“Stage 1.5 Knickers”

I’m taking a bit of a step back in time for this post as I wasn’t quick enough to type it up at the time and have been a bit lazy in regards to my blog posts. So this post is about my most recent trip back down south in February this year. I want to continue to write these posts because I’ve found them quite useful when remembering events from years ago to quickly look through a post and confirm in my memory what happened. Plus, i figure why not.

 

So, on the 14th of February, Lesley picked Kieran and I up and took us to the airport. This time our special assistance was good and the flight was on time.  When we landed, Dad and Michelle met us in arrivals. We decided to pop in and see Nan. While we were there, I gave Nan her pillow made out of Grandad’s clothes, which predictably made her a bit teary. After she’d put together a bundle of his clothes in December, I’d sent them off to a small business who make handmade items out of loved ones clothing. I got a special blanket made for myself using lots of different pieces of his clothes plus the fluffy fleece blanket I’d bought for his last birthday, which was on his bed. The blanket turned out perfect, more like a patchwork quilt than just a blanket. When Nan saw it over FaceTime, she was able to recognise every single patch. Since then, Dad has also said he’d like a cushion made, which I’m going to get sorted very soon. After big hugs all round and saying we’d see Nan soon, Dad drove us down to Mum’s, where she had and chili out of the slow cooker and cheesy nachos waiting for us.

 

On Thursday, Mum made pancakes for lunch as it’d been pancake day on Tuesday. Pancakes are a proper treat for me because I wouldn’t attempt making them myself and don’t like eating them when I’m out. Mum’s were lovely. Afterwards, Harley and I went into town to do Mother’s Day and early birthday shopping for our May birthday relatives: Mum, Dad and Imi. Later on, Mum, Simon and Kieran met us in town so Kieran and I could spend the voucher Kieran had bought for my birthday the year before at Zizi’s. I had aranccini, mushroom risotto and a honeycomb cheesecake. Kieran had calamari, sausage lasagne and trillionaires fudge cake. We both very much enjoyed the food. I was especially happy to have arancini again. It was made even nicer because the staff were so helpful, even guiding Kieran to the loo. Meanwhile, Mum, Simon and Harley decided to have Pizza Hut, where they shared a two pizzas, two sides and two desserts deal. They all said it was very nice and were very full. I was glad that they’d enjoyed theirs but even more that Kieran and I had finally been able to spend my voucher and have a date night. These days, if we have a date night it’s usually a takeaway in front of the telly, which is still nice but not as good as physically going to a restaurant.

 

The next day, Dad picked us up around half past 3 and took us to Nan’s where Nan, Auntie Clare, Sam and Michelle were. At just after 5, Auntie Clare rang through our order to the fish and chips shop: large battered sausage for Michelle; fish for Kieran, Auntie Clare herself and Nan; an egg and bacon burger for Dad; a chicken burger for Harley; a cheese burger for Sam; two pineapple fritters for me; two large chips and two curry sauces to share. Auntie Clare and I collected the food and everyone seemed to enjoy what they had. After Auntie Clare and Teddy went home. we watched West Brom vs Saints, which ended in a 2-0 win for Saints.

The next day, it was Mum’s time to be in the spotlight as we took her wedding dress shopping. In the morning, Simon drove Mum, Harley and I into town before going to pick up his youngest to join us. Then, the four of us met up with Mum’s maid of honour and headed for the bridal shop. Kieran had already decided to spend the day listening to as many football matches as he could. In the end, the dress Mum chose as the one was the fifth one she tried on. Thankfully, she loved the whole experience of trying on different styles of dress and showing them off to us. Mum can be funny about what she wears and has always been self-conscious, even more so since cancer has changed her body. But she was really confident and pleased with how she looked. Afterwards, we went to TGI Fridays to celebrate the success. Mum and her maid of honour shared nachos, potato skins and cocktails; Simon’s youngest enjoyed chicken tenders and fries; Harley had Jack Daniels chicken strips and potato skins; I had Jack Daniels chicken strips, fries and mozzarella dippers. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the treat. I felt a bit guilty that Kieran wasn’t there because I know he likes TGIs a lot too. However, when we got home he seemed to have had a good enough day listening to lots of football as he’d planned. As well as that, in the evening he and Simon ordered curry and we watched Pointless Celebrities, Casualty and the Jonathan Ross show.

 

The following afternoon, Kieran and I caught the bus into town and went to The Giddy Bridge Wetherspoons with Sam. She chose a burger and chips, Kieran had sausage and mash and I went for a bbq chicken and bacon panini with chips and a side of haloumi fries. We stayed in the pub for a few hours, having more drinks and a cookie dough sandwich pudding for me. Later on, we went to The Mayflower Theatre to see Romesh Rangernathan perform his Hussle tour. Romesh was very funny and it was quite a different atmosphere to our usual stand up shows because he was supported by DJ Martin Too Smooth who played at the start and during the interval.  They were both very good. Some potential quotes for blog post titles included “I’ll bag you off” and “I’m cooking mushrooms”.

 

On Monday, Dad picked us up around half 12, after picking Nan up on his way, and we went to The Malvern green king pub. It’s only a short walk from their flat so Sam and Michelle were waiting when we arrived. For dinner, I had scampi, chips and mushy peas with a side of haloumi fries; Harley had lasagne with garlic bread; Nan had macaroni cheese; Dad had a big brunch; Michelle had a steak and cheese ciabatta; Sam had a chicken and bacon ciabatta. Sadly, the food wasn’t very nice and most of us came away a bit disappointed. Afterwards, we spent the rest of the day at Dad’s, chatting, with Sam’s music playlist in the background, which provided many conversation topics. A possible blog title quote came when Dad quite casually asked “does anyone want my nuts?” which, because we’re all very childish, we found funny. Later on, back at Mum’s, we watched some Catch Phrase and Limitless Win before putting on the film Whitney: I Want To Dance With Somebody.

 

The next day, we went into town around 9:30 and had a McDonalds breakfast: breakfast wraps for Kieran and I, McMuffins for Mum and Harley. Afterwards, we went into a few shops. Back at Mum’s, we spent the afternoon and evening watching quiz shows including Lingo, Catch Phrase, Tipping Point, The Chase, Bridge Of Lies, Beat The Chasers and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Mum is very good at quiz shows. For dinner, Mum cooked roast gammon, which was very tasty.

 

As always, the final day of our visit had come around too fast. We spent the daytime watching Judge Judy, Come Dine With Me, Lingo and Pointless. Mum cooked us belly pork with cheesy mash and carrots so that we’d had a proper meal before our flight. Around 3:30, I started to see news on Facebook that there had been a big crash on the motorway that was causing a lot of disruption and delays. For a while, we didn’t think much of it, thinking it’d be cleared by the time Dad picked us up around 6:15. But as time went on the news reports only seemed to get worse. Dad and Michelle headed out anyway, hoping they’d be able to make it through to get us so we could all head for the airport as planned. Sam was flying up with us to stay for a few nights so we could all go and see Sarah Millican live that weekend. But the time kept dragging on and we received more panicked messages from Sam. Eventually, I called Auntie Clare and asked if Uncle Dave was available to try and get us to the airport, the idea being that Dad and Michelle met us there with Sam rather than trying to get all the way to pick us up. Thankfully, Uncle Dave was available and set off straight away to get us. Although we didn’t think we were going to make the flight, we knew we had to try. Kieran checked us in online and I emptied the essentials out of our suitcase into our hand luggage. We’d already agreed we’d leave the suitcase behind because there was no way we were going to be there by the cut off point of baggage being checked in. As soon as Uncle Dave arrived, we rushed to get in his car, not really having time to say goodbye to Mum and Harley. To be honest, we were all expecting to see each other again that night. Uncle Dave drove as fast as the heavy and at times stand-still traffic would allow. We kept checking Google Maps ETA and willing the cars to somehow go faster. At the same time, I could see Dad just wasn’t moving. We had a rather big decision to make. Of course, the plan was for the three of us to travel to Newcastle that night. But as we approached the airport, it was clear Sam was nowhere near being close to joining us. Uncle Dave dashed us into the terminal building and up to the check in desk. Kieran rushed to explain what was happening and before we’d really had time to thank Uncle Dave, we were being hurried away. Somehow, we got through security in super quick time and although we’d held it up, we were boarding the plane, in our seats, taking off! When I think back to that evening, even now I don’t know how we made that flight. But the biggest thing was that we’d gone without Sam. We both felt very conflicted about it. Of course, never did we want to leave without her and it was a really awkward situation to be in. But we needed to go home. I was scheduled to work the following day and didn’t have my manager’s contact details on me to tell her what was happening. Even more importantly, I didn’t have any more Epilepsy medication. As we flew away, we felt absolutely awful for Sam and guilty that we’d left without her. Friendship and loyalty should have meant if one didn’t make the plane none of us should have gone. But reality doesn’t work like that. If we had the chance, however tight it was in the end, to be on that plane and flying home as planned then we had to take it. Sam was understandably very upset and angry with us, which I totally expected. But ultimately there was nothing we could have done about the situation and in the grand scheme of things our situation was nothing to that of the man who lost his life in that crash or the ripple effects for his friends and family.

 

Although the end of our trip had been pretty horrific, the visit overall was great and it was lovely to spend time with everyone as always. Plus, it all worked out in the end for us. Unfortunately, this meant Sam spent the Thursday on a train rather than already being with us as per the original plan. But she arrived with us around 5 o’clock and Kieran cooked meatballs with pasta and garlic bread and mac n cheese bites on the side for dinner. We spent the evening watching Kevin Bridges new DVD The Overdue Catch Up. This provoked some rather rude quote suggestions of blog post titles from Sam and Kieran, such as “your dog’s a c**t” or “remember the night we googled cats dicks”.

 

After I’d finished work early on Friday, we caught the bus into Newcastle and went to The Five Swans Wetherspoons. After being badgered by Kieran and I to try something different, Sam went for the chicken bites basket, which she said she enjoyed. Kieran had a mixed grill and I had fish and chips with a cookie dough sandwich for dessert. Later, we went to the O2 City Hall and watched Sarah Millican perform her Late Bloomer show. She was very funny and definitely one of my favourites we’ve seen live. One of the best parts was when she had a lady, who was sat in the front row with us, removed because she had talked through the first 20 minutes of the show. The cheer after she did it was quite something. There were so many quotes from the show that I could have chosen for this post’s title but I settled on “stage 1.5 knickers” because it made us laugh a lot and was one of the tamer options. Sarah’s comedy has definitely become more filthy over the years. Other offerings included: “snap flaps”, “your pubes are the bouncers to your fanny” and “if your fanny was clean and tidy it would be on your forehead”.

 

The next morning, Kieran cooked sausage, bacon and hash browns for breakfast. We spent the day watching football: Eastleigh vs Bromley 2-0; Arsenal vs Newcastle 4-1. Later, we watched Sean Lock’s DVD Lockipedia while enjoying a Dominoes takeaway.

 

We walked to Sambuca’s for lunch on Sunday. Sam had potato skins, roast chicken and ice cream; Kieran chose mushroom soup, roast lamb and ice cream; I had cheesy garlic bread with chicken and mushroom risotto. As always, we all thoroughly enjoyed the food. Back at the flat, we listened to Liverpool vs Chelsea in the Carabao cup final; Liverpool won 1-0 in the 118th minute.

 

Since Sam’s stay in February, the three of us plus Harley spent the first weekend of this month in London so that we could see Michael MacIntyre live at the O2. Apart from Harley really not liking the height of our seats, it was a great show and a really lovely weekend overall. We enjoyed a lot of nice food, including yet another Wetherspoons at the O2, a meal at Pizza Express and a Premier Inn buffet breakfast. We spent the Saturday at Westfields and laughed at the fact that the only shopping we did was in Primark. We even had 100% success transport-wise, using the trains to their full advantage. So the last few months have been packed full of comedy shows, nice food and good times with family. I already have 5 more trips home scheduled and so many comedy shows I’ve lost count. I’m very lucky that I’m able to spend so much time with everyone and go to so many good shows. Next up, a concert at the Royal Albert Hall with Mum to see Train for the second time.

“It’s whatsit time” … “leave my bowl alone!”

At the end of December last year, it was time for another trip down south, this time so that Kieran and I could spend Christmas with my side of the family. Last year, we spent Christmas with his side before I flew down to spend new year with mine. Rotating between the two seems like the best solution so that we both spend Christmas with both families.

 

So on 20^th December, John and Lesley took Kieran and I to the airport, where we waited quite a while for assistance to collect us and escort us through security onto the plane. It was soon clear why. There were several passengers requiring special assistance and they didn’t have enough staff to deal with all of us. Eventually, we were onboard, after a delay due to a fault with the plane. Originally, I thought I heard someone saying it was something to do with the engine, which wasn’t very reassuring. But at the end of the flight, while we waited for Southampton assistance staff to come and get us, Kieran overheard the flight crew saying that it had been an issue with the oxygen masks. Obviously, they’d made sure everything was working correctly before we flew. But they mentioned that there was a point where they were considering abandoning the flight for the evening. I was very grateful they hadn’t, although of course I wouldn’t want to travel if it wasn’t safe.

 

Southampton were quite slow in assisting us, too. As the flight had landed later than scheduled, they were assisting another plane when we landed. Then, they didn’t have that many staff to help such a high number of assistance passengers. This really showed when the man helping us was guiding Kieran and I whilst pushing another passenger in their wheelchair. This was complicated further by the two suitcases Kieran and I collected, which we wheeled through to arrivals ourselves. Thankfully, Dad, Sam and Harley were waiting in arrivals so there were enough people to guide and pull cases. Even better, when we arrived at Mum’s, she had chicken stew straight out of the slow cooker for our dinner. It was very nice and definitely much needed after the craziness of the journey.

 

The following morning, Mum and I took a trip on the bus into town to finish the last-minute bits of Christmas shopping I needed to do. We took Greggs home for lunch: sausage rolls for Mum and I, a festive bake for Kieran and a chicken bake for Harley. That evening, we watched Notting Hill  while eating Papa Johns pizza which Kieran had ordered for everyone. Mum and Harley had recommended it as they’d really enjoyed it recently so we decided to go for it as it’d been ages since Kieran and I had tried it. It was very nice, especially the garlic bread.

 

Friday was a quiet day at Mum’s. In the morning, Jenny popped over so we could exchange Christmas gifts. Usually, she’d pop in for a coffee and a catch up but she’d caught a bit of a cold and didn’t want to pass it on. Hopefully, we’ll be able to catch up properly next time I’m down. That night, Mum cooked a big picky bits dinner for everyone which included mini duck spring rolls, TGI Fridays Jack Daniels sesame chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, jalapeno bites, mini kiev balls, chicken skewers, cheese and pineapple sticks, potato salad, coleslaw and other bits. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed it and it went down very nicely while we watched the festive movies Elf and Love Actually. Before I moved away, it used to be our Christmas Eve tradition to have a picky bits dinner after Mum had come home from work and watch Christmas films, although back then it used to be Polar Express and Love Actually. But everyone except me voted for Elf instead of Polar Express this year. We weren’t able to do the tradition on Christmas Eve itself because we were spending the day at Dad’s as an extra Christmas day with him. As it was Simon’s first night off and we were also all busy the following day, Friday night seemed the perfect night for it. It certainly made it feel much more like Christmas.

 

At half past 12 on Saturday, the three of us met Nan in Woolston and went for lunch at Subway. Since Grandad passed away in November, Nan has been trying to get out and about and spend as much time with people as possible. Although she says she’s fine, she’s also admitted it is very lonely in their bungalow by herself. When Grandad first passed away, Nan immediately leapt into productive mode, getting everything organised and sorted out. I think it took until after his funeral for her to really start coming to terms with the fact that he was really gone. I think keeping herself busy had been her way of coping to begin with but she had to face it at some point. 60 years is a long time to spend loving one person and they’d been so happy for so long. Even in his last year after his stroke, Nan was by his side through everything, looking after him the best she was able to. She did an amazing job, even though she’s honest and admits it was hard. But even though he was poorly, he was still there, still company for her even if conversation wasn’t really possible. I think adjusting to being by herself in the bungalow has been the toughest thing for Nan since losing him. She says the hardest part is when she’s spent all day having a nice time with people but then has to return to the empty bungalow by herself. That’s why I wanted to make sure we spent the extra time with her. I hate the thought of her being lonely and want to make sure I make the effort to spend as much time with her as possible. I always used to make sure I saw her and Grandad as much as I could before but I think it’s even more important now she’s on her own.

 

We had a nice lunch in Subway and just sat chatting for a while before it was time to catch the bus to Nan’s house. It feels very strange being in the bungalow without Grandad there. Although he spent the last 10 months in his bed in one room, it almost feels like he’s going to wander down the hallway and say hello at any moment. Of course, that will never happen. Thankfully, Auntie Clare joined us with Teddy, filling up the emptiness a little bit more. Teddy certainly kept the spirits up with his mad dashing around. Auntie Clare helped Nan hang some of her Christmas cards up on the strings pinned to the wall the way Grandad always used to before his stroke. Again, it was another reminder that he wasn’t there to do it anymore but at the same time it brought back fond memories of all the years he had. In 2022, Nan hadn’t had the strings up at all because Grandad had been too wobbly on his feet to do it and definitely couldn’t have after the stroke. Thankfully, Nan had spent that Christmas staying at Dad’s so hadn’t been alone and was closer to the hospital to see Grandad.

 

Later on, Dad and Michelle popped in to collect their Christmas meats which they’d been storing in Nan’s freezer. Also, Michelle presented Nan with the memory book she and Harley had made for Nan with loads of photos of Grandad. I think Nan was a bit overwhelmed but it was a really thoughtful gesture and Michelle had made it really beautiful, with funny little comments captioning the photos and little craft decorations filling the blank space. I know when Nan feels ready she’ll treasure it. There’s some blank pages left at the back so hopefully she’ll choose some of her own favourite photos of Grandad’s life to add. Nan had also put together a bag of his clothes for me because I want to get a patchwork memory blanket made so that I have something to properly remember him with. The bag includes Southampton FC shirts, some polo shirts and jumpers as well as a pair of Grandad’s trademark grey trousers and a “best Grandad” hankie I’d bought him a few years earlier. I’m hoping the blanket will be very special and something I can have near me when I’m missing him most.

 

After the Liverpool vs Arsenal game ended in a 1-1 draw and Dad and Michelle had left, we ordered a Chinese takeaway for everyone to share. We watched some of Paddington and Gavin & Stacey while we ate. The food was very Nice and even Teddy cheekily enjoyed the chicken out of a chicken ball.

 

The next day was Christmas Eve and our first Christmas day really, spent with Dad, Michelle, Nan and Sam. Michelle was working Christmas Day night so didn’t feel like cooking a full Christmas dinner that day. As well as this, Nan was spending Christmas Day with Auntie Clare and we’d be with Mum. So Christmas Eve was the perfect opportunity to get everyone together to celebrate. Before that, though, Dad picked Nan then the three of us up and we went to Lidl to pick some flowers. Then, we headed to the crematorium to wish Grandad a merry Christmas. There were loads of flowers people had bought for loved ones and strangely it felt very festive adding ours. We walked to where they’d scattered Grandad’s ashes, near the plaques Nan and her brother had paid to have put up for Nanny Olive, Grandad Ken, Auntie Gwen and Uncle Harry. At some point we’re going to get one added for Grandad as well as possibly having a bench put down Weston shore in his memory. That was one of his favourite places and where him and Nan had spent a lot of their time when they were first together; some of his ashes are also scattered there. It felt good that we’d wished Grandad a merry Christmas, like we were including him in our festive celebrations for the day.

 

When we got to Dad’s, we all found somewhere to sit before exchanging presents. As usual, everyone got very spoilt. Sam had made a festive playlist which helped the festive atmosphere. Later, we very much enjoyed Michelle’s roast dinner and it was lovely to just sit and relax, all of us talking about all sorts. We all giggled about how Dad had been wearing his Grinch pyjamas all day, even when he’d picked us up and we’d gone to the crematorium. We all agreed Grandad would have thought it was very funny.

 

On Christmas morning, we got up around 8 and went downstairs to open presents from Mum. As always, she’d bought far too much. But we’d been able to do the same for her. A little later, Simon’s daughters arrived to open theirs. During the day, we watched Sing 2, the king’s Christmas broadcast and Toy Story 4. We enjoyed our second very tasty Christmas dinner around 4. In the evening, we watched Christmas specials of The Hit List, Masked Singer and The Wheel whilst enjoying Christmas chocolates and goodies from the big selection Mum had bought. Just like the day before, it had been a lovely day celebrating Christmas.

 

Boxing Day was a very relaxed day, except for Kieran’s fury at Newcastle losing to Nottingham Forest. I think Mum was a bit surprised about how much he shouted at the commentary. In the afternoon, while Beauty And The Beast (2017) was on, Mum gave us cold turkey, pork and gammon  with sausage meat, pigs in blankets, pickles beetroot and mash potato. It was very nice. I listened to Burnley vs Liverpool, which finished 2-0 to Liverpool, while Mum and Simon dozed watching The Lion King (2019) and Harley set up their new IPad. We had jelly and whip as a late pudding. Afterwards, Harley and I did face masks, which were among our presents from Mum and a lot of fun as Harley’s didn’t fit properly and mine made my face look silly.

 

The next morning, Mum and I went into town so I could buy the new Pandora bracelet I wanted as well as exchange a few items. Once we were home, Uncle Dave came to collect the four of us. We were extending the celebrations with him, Auntie Clare, Adam, Nan, Dad and Michelle at Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave’s. Originally, we’d thought Sam couldn’t come because she was working but she’d realised she finished around the time Dad and Michelle were planning to join us so they picked her up on their way. Again, we received some lovely gifts from Auntie Clare and Nan. Auntie Clare had made a spread including cold meats, garlic bread, crisps and puddings for us to enjoy. The funniest part was the addition of roast potatoes, although we all agreed it was a very good idea. The chocolate fudge cake made by Uncle Dave’s sister was delicious, too, but I felt like I might go into some kind of sugar coma afterwards, it was so sweet. Later on, Uncle Dave got their karaoke machine out and Nan, Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave, Dad and Harley thoroughly enjoyed singing along using the microphones. In between each song, Auntie Clare kept eating whatsits, which is where the first half of this blog title comes from. She kept announcing “it’s whatsit time”. The second half comes from Adam, who kept exclaiming “leave my bowl alone!” when Auntie Clare questioned whose it was and whether she could tidy it up. He explained how she’d kept doing this since he’d been home from uni. The funniest time he shouted this was from the downstairs loo when he somehow heard Auntie Clare mentioning the bowl he’d been using.

 

The last day of our visit had arrived. In the afternoon, we went for a meal with Simon’s family at Casa Brasil, where they serve your meats and side dishes at the table. There was some lovely food and I especially liked the cinnamon pineapple. Kieran and I agreed that although it was nice it’s probably not somewhere we’d return to as the menu is always the same so we’ve tried everything they have. Sadly, at just gone 6 Dad arrived to take us to the airport for our flight home. It’s always sad saying goodbye to everyone but we’d had such a nice time it didn’t seem quite as hard somehow. Our next visit is In February so not so far away. By then, Mum will be halfway through her course of chemotherapy and fingers crossed won’t be suffering too much with the side effects. As I write this, we’re already a week into 2024 and there’s a lot to look forward to this year. Hopefully, the chemo will be Mum’s last treatment for cancer and she’ll be able to start properly living her life again, including getting married at the end of June. If they’re lucky, hopefully Harley will find their first job and get their working life started. If I’m lucky, maybe that long awaited Guide Dog match will arrive. More than anything, I hope this year is a good one for everyone I care about. We had a really great time in Southampton spending Christmas with everyone. I’m so glad I managed to split my time quite well between everyone and especially that, despite everything, Nan seemed to enjoy Christmas. She was a little quiet at times but that’s understandable. It did feel sad without Grandad there. He used to sit in a corner and observe, joining in with comments in conversations when he felt he had something to contribute. It was his presence that was missing most, just having him there. But I’m sure he’d be glad Nan seemed to enjoy herself and is doing her best to make each day positive. Hopefully, as she adjusts to living without him this year, she’ll be able to continue enjoying herself and making the most of her time with her family. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone in February and finding out what this year brings for us all. Please, world, make it a good year.

You are “Always On My Mind”: a difficult visit down south with one final farewell

On the 7^th of November, it was time to head back down south again for another visit. Sadly, like last time, it wasn’t for good reasons. Firstly, as we’d found out in September, Mum’s cancer had returned and she required an operation to remove the mass and any infected tissue. Obviously, we were all pretty worried about this and upset at the fact that the cancer was back. Over the last two years, Mum has already had two operations and 6 sessions of chemotherapy. Of course, that’s already far too much. If it was possible, I’d make it so she never had cancer at all. But I can’t do that. For some reason, Mum’s body turned against her despite the fact that she’s never smoked and only has the occasional drink. She has a pretty good diet and is otherwise healthy. I guess her good luck just ran out. Having cancer for the third time in two years certainly isn’t lucky. However, there was a second sad reason I was going home. The flights and visit had originally been arranged so I’d be there when Mum had the operation so I could stay with Harley while Mum was in hospital and be there afterwards to help wherever I could while she recovered. But early on Sunday 5 November, I woke to my phone ringing. The caller ID said Dad. That could only mean one thing. At a few minutes to 7 in the morning, Dad was calling to break the news that my beloved Grandad John had passed away in his sleep only an hour or so before, Nan thinks. Grandad had a stroke in December 2022, which took away the last of his independence. At first, we’d been told it was only a minor stroke and that with time he should recover well. But after tests and scans, they found he’d had small bleeds on the brain and they think three mini strokes in total. He never did recover much. Initially, in hospital they had him feeding himself and were encouraging him to use his bad arm. But the support gradually declined until all Nan had, once Grandad came home in February, was carers four times a day and occasional physiotherapy sessions. Quite quickly, they decided he’d never regain use of his leg and they couldn’t do much for his arm, which had deteriorated. Eventually, he lost full use of his arm and Nan was doing everything for him, something he in his younger days wouldn’t have liked at all. He was a respectable gentleman who could look after himself, even if he did have a wife who helped him as much as she was able. Over these last nine months, Nan has done an incredible job of caring for Grandad. Other than giving him a full wash and change, she’s done everything else with very limited support. More than anything, she really appreciated that Michelle was a nurse with loads of helpful advice and suggestions she tried to make life easier for them both. By the end, Grandad slept most of the day, only managing a few mouthfuls of food and not speaking at all. Nan says he still had his own ways of communicating non-verbally and I know that reassured her a lot that he was still there. But things gradually got worse and worse, until Nan was told that they thought he was nearing the end. We’d been told 3 months maximum, which is what they say. We got a month from then to 5^th November. That day, I just felt numb. It was weird, we’d been expecting it for so long; but that didn’t make any difference. I just kept thinking “god, I’m never going to see him again”. I was due to fly to Southampton two days later and had been hoping he’d still be there, that Dad could take me straight from the airport so I could see him, really say goodbye even if it was only in my own head. But that wasn’t to be. 5 November 2023 was his time, apparently. I think that’s why, in my mind, I was more upset than I’d expected to be that day. We’d ran out of time. There were no more chances to see him; talk random nonsense to him hoping he was listening; hold his hand and feel him squeeze back even if only a little; just sit there in his room with the telly on, knowing that was all I could give him and hoping he knew I was there trying my best. Nan and Grandad fill my memories throughout my whole life. They’ve both been there at every stage, part of every big event in some way. But they’re there for all the little memories too: feeding the fish in the pond in their back garden; walking to visit grandad’s sister who lived a few roads away; bike rides around their garden and the car park next-door; Grandad sorting out his slides for ship’s society in the evening before we watched tv; going on holiday to Canada to visit Grandad’s family with them in 2014; playing down the shore on sunny days; them taking and picking me up from school; walks into Woolston, going to the charity shops and chip shop, looking at the Lillywhite memorial stone; bus trips to Shirley; them helping me learn routes for Guide Dogs; mornings in Bitterne doing their weekly shop and getting a Greggs; Nan’s knitting; crispy bacon sandwiches and almost burnt sausages on a barbecue; the word insubordination; him and Dad jokingly calling people bastards in funny voices; the 6 o’clock news being on the tv no matter what; tea in bed on a Saturday or Sunday morning if we’d stayed over; Grandad pottering about in his shed or his little room with books; when they moved from the big house to their bungalow; their 50^th wedding anniversary surprise party; trips to Stoke to pick Grant up and Grandad spoiling the surprise that Grant was visiting for Nan’s 60^th; all the many wooden things he made, like the bird tables; him feeding the birds and shouting at pigeons; all the holidays abroad they came on with us; him and his camera; their trips to Belgium; just them, there always. The idea that it was just Nan now was the hardest thing to get my head around. Although he may have been poorly and slowly deteriorating this last year, he was still there. But now he wasn’t. There was no more Grandad, healthy or otherwise. We’d all said our last words, had our last smiles. Selfishly, I wished we hadn’t, I wanted more time. But as it slowly settled over me, that it really had happened, I knew this was the way it was meant to be, kinder for everyone really. For the family, who’d watched him decline and become less like the man they knew. For Nan, who’d spent 9 months devotedly caring for the husband she’d loved for 60 years. But most of all, for Grandad himself. There was no more suffering. No tears of frustration because he couldn’t do or say the things he was trying so hard to. No more pain when the carers moved him about. No more indignity of having to be washed and changed and fed. I’d give anything for just one more hug. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to suffer any longer.

 

So, with a heavy heart, on the 7^th I flew down to Southampton to meet everyone and begin what was going to be a tough time home. John and Kieran dropped me off at Newcastle airport just before 5 and when assistance eventually came to help, I was guided through the airport and onto the plane no problem. In fact, the flight took off and landed early. Dad, Harley and Sam were waiting for me in arrivals and there were big hugs all round. As we were walking to the car, Sam said how we had a bit of a problem because Grandad’s funeral clashed with Imi’s graduation, which was happening on the 17^th. For a while, I was a little taken aback. Although I’d known the family were going to the funeral directors to discuss plans that day, I didn’t realise a date was going to be set and felt a little hurt that I’d found out like this. But of course Dad and Harley hadn’t had time to tell me any other way. I’d been on the plane. Still, it took me a few minutes to recover. That was that, then, there was a funeral in 10 days when we’d have to say our final goodbyes. At that very moment, I didn’t have the headspace to worry that the timing clashed with Imi’s graduation, which we’d all been planning to watch via the live stream. Obviously, a little while later I felt sad about that. I wanted to be able to support her and share in her special occasion.

 

On the way to Mum’s, we popped into see nan for 20 or so minutes. This was when I’d previously hoped, if he’d still been here, that I’d have been able to see Grandad one last time. It was weird being in their bungalow knowing he wasn’t there. I didn’t go into his room but still it felt strange, suddenly too big for Nan to be rattling around in by herself. But she was pretty calm and composed given the circumstances. Afterwards, we stopped at Dominoes on Mum’s estate so I could pick up something to eat. We spent the evening talking about Grandad and Mum’s operation scheduled for the following day. I felt a bit guilty that at a time when we needed to give Mum 100% of our support our minds were elsewhere. But of course she didn’t see it that way. It was just my anxious and emotional brain overthinking things.

 

On Wednesday morning, we were all awake early to say goodbye to Mum when Simon took her to the hospital at 6:45.I decided to get up and showered, have breakfast and then start work early. I’d recently been given flexi time and was enjoying seeing my plus column go up. I knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep anyway. My manager had been really generous and allowed me to work from Mum’s for two weeks while she had and was recovering from her operation. I was very grateful as I’ve been there for both of the other operations and couldn’t imagine not being there for this one. Mum text at around 20 to 9 to say she was going down to theatre. Thankfully, I had work to keep me occupied, which meant I didn’t worry as much. However, when nobody had heard from Mum by about 3 o’clock, Harley and I started to get nervous. The surgeon had said that they’d try keyhole surgery first but if they weren’t able to remove the cancer safely they’d have to go for full surgery. As he’d said keyhole should only take 2 hours, we knew by this point that it mustn’t of worked and felt sad for Mum, who hadn’t wanted another full scar. But whatever it took to get her cancer free. Finally, after Harley phone the hospital around half past 4, we heard that Mum came out of surgery an hour or so later and was now in recovery. A few hours later, she was on FaceTime, groggily talking to us and telling us what she knew about what had happened, which at this point wasn’t much. Either way, we were able to go to bed knowing she’d safely come round, although it had been much more complicated than they’d anticipated. She currently had feeding and oxygen tubes in and sounded pretty rough.

 

The following day, Mum was moved onto the ward around 1pm. After I’d finished work, Simon drove the three of us to see her. She was comfortable and not in much pain, which was a relief. She was able to describe in more detail the complexity of the operation and how well the surgeon had done. We wouldn’t know the true results of it until much later after she’d had time to recover. Disappointingly, Liverpool lost their Europa league match against Toulouse 3-2. That night, Harley and I ordered takeaway and watched some David Attenborough to keep our minds off Mum and away from feeling sad about Grandad, which was a constant emotion running in the background of everything else.

 

Again, after I’d finished work the following day, Simon took the three of us to see Mum in hospital. She was a lot brighter that day and had been told she might be able to start eating solid food, like jelly and ice cream, on Sunday. Later, Harley made us an easy tea of super noodles for themselves and a Bachelor’s packet pasta for me. We spent the evening watching the second Bridget Jones movie, as we’d started the trilogy when they’d come to stay with me and Kieran in October.

 

At 12:45 the following day, we caught the bus into town and met Nan who was waiting for us. Despite the reason for it, it was lovely to see her out and about again. Apart from Grandad’s suffering, the worst thing about him being poorly had been Nan not being able to go out much. She was frightened of leaving him, even if it was with people she trusted, and always in a hurry to get back when she rarely ventured out for essentials. However, today she was happy to be out and doing the kinds of things they used to before. We had Burger King for lunch, which I’m always a bit wary of because I’ve had some pretty unpleasant meals there. But it’s one of Nan’s favourites and actually turned out to be really nice. We did a little bit of wandering around the shops with Nan before she caught the bus home and we got one to the hospital to visit Mum, who again was feeling quite good. That evening, we cooked the M&Ms cookie dough pie pudding Mum had bought us as a treat from Iceland and ate it while watching some of the most recent Gogglebox and doing some Christmas wrapping.

 

Sunday was another trip to the hospital to see Mum. We took clean clothes and bought her some yoghurts from M&S to try. She’d successfully had some ice cream that morning and felt much brighter because of it. On his way home from work, Dad picked us up so we went back to his for a bit, where we chatted with Sam and Michelle, who showed us all the materials she’d bought for the scrapbook in memory of Grandad that she and Harley were going to make together as a surprise for Nan. Once were home, Harley cooked some breaded chicken strips and triple cooked steak chips so we could make wraps for tea. We did more wrapping and watched the rest of the episode of Gogglebox we’d started.

 

I spent the day working On Monday while Harley packed for their trip to Brighton the following day. In the afternoon, Dad picked us up and the three of us joined Nan for dinner. She’d cooked curry and made an apple crumble. It felt just like our old Wednesday dinners at Nan’s, except of course Grandad was missing. It felt very strange him not being there to put the 6 o’clock news on or lay the table. As always, Nan’s food was lovely and I was glad we’d made the effort to visit; although I felt a bit bad that we hadn’t been to see Mum that day. But if all went well overnight, she was due to come home the following day.

 

The next day, Harley caught the train with their friends to Brighton, where they thoroughly enjoyed the Louis Tomlinson concert they’d gone for. Later, Simon brought Mum home from hospital. The car ride had caused her a lot of pain and she was feeling very tired. Sadly, it wasn’t a very good first night home.

 

The next two days were quite quiet. Slowly, Mum started to feel more settled at home and was able to try eating a little more. Harley came home very happy from the concert, having had a great time and also enjoyed exploring Brighton. In true them-style, they’d taken loads of photos which they were very proud to show Mum. The thing they were happiest about was their Louis hoodie, which I’m not sure whether they’ve taken off, even now. We popped into town for our final Christmas shopping mission and enjoyed a McDonalds. The city centre Christmas market was opening up, which really created a festive atmosphere. It was scary how close Christmas really was.

 

However, the jolly feeling of Christmas was eclipsed the following day as Harley and I dressed in smart clothes and took a taxi to Nan’s to join everyone for the funeral procession. The time to say one final goodbye to Grandad had come at last. Strangely, there was one happy thing in all of it, which I think Grandad would have been pleased to know he’d made happen, in that my big brother Grant was here at last. It’s been nearly 6 years since any of us last saw him. Then, we were celebrating the birth of his little girl, my lovely niece Olivia-Grace. I’d been so excited to become an auntie, so pleased to start spending more time with my brother and his little family. But it hadn’t lasted. Things had changed for Grant and he’d moved area. For some reason, we’d slowly lost touch. I hadn’t been the part of the baby’s life I’d hoped to be and communication pretty much stopped. I only knew how they were doing from social media posts and it hurt a lot. I built up a lot of resentment towards Grant, fuelled when he was unable to come for our great-nanny Olive’s funeral last year. So I thought seeing him again was going to be difficult. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel. It had taken me a very long time to get used to the fact that we weren’t part of his life any more and didn’t know his daughter, that she didn’t know us. On every birthday I thought about her, couldn’t believe how time was passing and how grown up she must be. I didn’t want to get emotionally attached again, let myself get caught up in fantasies of us being proper family like I’d once thought we were. But then there he was, in Nan’s lounge, like it’d only been last week we’d saw him. It felt a bit awkward to begin with. What do you say to the brother you haven’t seen in nearly 6 years whilst waiting to go to your Grandad’s funeral? We just made small chat for a while, although slowly the jokes started squeezing in, especially when Nan started muddling up our names like she always used to. Once Dad had arrived with Michelle and Sam and Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave and Adam had joined us, it was time to go. The funeral cars drew up and we were all climbing in. Nan, Dad, Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave and Michelle in the first car, behind Grandad, with Grant, Adam, Sam, Harley and I in the car behind. Nan had decided all the grandchildren should be together and had wanted Mum to be in the car with us. Mum was absolutely gutted not to be able to attend but just wasn’t feeling strong enough yet after the surgery. She was his daughter-in-law a very long time and, like everyone else who ever met him, thought a lot of John Lillywhite. Plus, she was very touched that Nan wanted her in the family cars. I felt sad that she wasn’t with us; it didn’t feel quite right to begin with. But Nan had paid for a live stream of the service, mainly so our relatives abroad could watch, so Mum was going to be there virtually. Another person who couldn’t come was Kieran. He’d never been coming on this trip in the first place and plane tickets to come at the last minute were ridiculously expensive. Although I’d have absolutely loved him to be there, I didn’t want him spending that much money; Nan agreed. Again, he was there virtually, watching via the live stream.

 

The funeral itself was beautiful. I’m not sure that’s an appropriate way to describe the occasion but that’s what it was. It was full to the brim with people who’d known Grandad and wanted to pay their respects to a very special man. At first, I felt weird being sat next to Grant on the front row. I’d expected to sit beside Harley but they sat me next to him. In the end, it felt right. The service itself was lovely. Nan had picked the perfect music. Abba’s Fernando had us all a bit choked up as we walked in and of course Elvis’s American Trilogy, Grandad’s favourite, had to be played too. They’d put together a lovely photo montage showing Grandad’s life and Nan had picked Simon & Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water to play as it was shown. Grant described some of the pictures to me, which was very sweet of him and reminded me so much of how it used to be when he lived with us. It was lovely but hurt at the same time, especially as I was trying to sort through all the emotions about Grandad. The wake afterwards was just right too, everyone talking about their memories of Grandad. As the cliché goes, Grandad wouldn’t have wanted us all to sit around crying. He loved a big family gathering and would have been so happy to see everyone together. Afterwards, we went back to Auntie Clare’s for a little while. Then, it was time to say goodbye. I hugged Nan very tight. Through all of this, she’d managed to be incredibly strong. She’d spent 60 years of her life loving Grandad and the last 9 months giving him amazing care so he didn’t have to go into a care home, something neither of them wanted. Now it was just her and I was worried about her being on her own, however sure she was that she’d be fine. After that, it was time to say goodbye to Grant. He was only staying until Sunday so we wouldn’t be seeing him again. I hugged him tight too. However hard I tried I couldn’t stop myself from feeling. I was absolutely gutted to be saying goodbye again. Who knows when we’ll see him again. He’s very busy working and looking after his three kids. We live at complete opposite ends of the country now and one day doesn’t mean everything is fixed, even if I wish it was. But having everyone together gave Grandad the perfect farewell, I think. Nan even got her customary grandkids photo, which she always used to make Grandad take any time the four of us were in the same place. He’d have been chuffed to know that tradition has carried on, even if he’s not here to be the photographer.

 

Saturday was a quiet day, just wrapping Christmas presents. On Sunday, Harley and I went to Dad’s for the afternoon. Michelle and Harley started work on their memory scrapbook. Meanwhile, Dad watched a James Bond film and Sam worked on her lego Christmas tree. Later on, Michelle cooked spag bol for us all, which was really tasty. After we’d dropped Michelle off at work and treated ourselves to a Costa, we popped into see Nan on our way home because she was feeling a bit low. It was hardly surprising after the fortnight she’d had and Grant leaving that morning. We all gave her big hugs and she reassured us she was fine, which obviously we didn’t believe. She also gave me Grandad’s Southampton FC coaster, which I’d asked if I could have. I remember him getting it as a 70^th birthday present and it’s always sat on the coffee table beside his chair. The Saints crest is raised so I can feel the lettering. It’s just a really nice momento for me to have as well as something that says Southampton in my up north home. Later on, we watched the first episode of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, which is when I always feel like Christmas is really on its way.

 

Monday and Tuesday were full of me working. We watched I’m A Celeb each night and ate lovely loaded potato skins cooked by Harley on Monday and a delicious chicken stew cooked in the slow cooker on Tuesday; it made the whole house smell lovely and Mum was able to eat a small portion. On Wednesday, Mum went to the dddoctors and had her staples taken out. She was really pleased about how well the wound is healing and having staples instead of stitches means there should be less of a scar. Around lunchtime, I received an audio message from Uncle Dave. He’d managed to record the clip of Grandad doing his father of the bride speech at Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave’s wedding from their wedding video onto his phone so that I could listen to it whenever I wanted. Over the last year or so, since Grandad hadn’t been able to speak very well, I’d realised I didn’t actually have any recordings of him talking before his voice started to change. This makes me very sad. Of course, everyone else has tons of photos to look through to remember him by. But hearing his voice is what I need to remember the man I knew. In the wedding video, he sounds younger than I remember him to be, even though I was present there at 8 years old. Either way, it means I have something to listen back to when I’m missing him most. I have a couple of audio recordings of him talking after his stroke and they make me smile fondly to remember how strong he continued to be, how he never stopped being Grandad. But the wedding video reminds me of the man he really was. A little later, Auntie Clare phoned Harley to tell us Grandad’s ashes were ready to collect. They’d also taken prints of his hands as I’d requested. I’m hoping to get a piece of jewellery made with his fingerprints. Due to the way it’s made, it’ll be tactile. That evening, Mum treated us all to a Dominoes for dinner and we watched the third Bridget Jones film, meaning Harley has finally seen the story in order.

 

The following day, it was time for me to head home. I’d been in Southampton for 16 days, the longest time I’d spent back down south since I’d lived there. It’s strange how in some ways you can just slot back in as if you’ve never been away but at the same time absolutely everything has changed. Either way, as always I’d loved being down, despite the reasons for it. Grandad’s  funeral had been the perfect send off and Mum’s recovery was going well. Of course, she was already doing too much and not resting enough but sometimes she just won’t be told. I’m so glad I was able to be there to help her in her first week home from hospital and to visit her with Harley most days. Whatever had happened, I would have always been down for Grandad’s funeral. Nan did arrange it so it was within my pre-planned visit but I wouldn’t have cared how much it would have cost me in flights to be there for it. As I write this, it’s only 3 days from me flying down again as Kieran and I are going to spend Christmas with my lot this year. I’m looking forward to it a lot, but it is going to be very different without Grandad there too. This time last year, he was 6 days into his stroke recovery and things had started to look worse than they’d originally made us think. He spent last Christmas in hospital and at the time I remember hoping he’d be home with Nan for his next one. Sadly that wasn’t to be and we will miss him being there. But hopefully he’s in a good place now. Mum is doing well. The surgeons and consultants are very happy with her recovery and managed to remove all the cancer. There wasn’t any more infected areas than we already knew about, which is a massive relief. But she does have to start further preventative treatment in the new year. It’s hard for her but if it means she remains cancer-free then it’ll be worth it. Hopefully, 2024 can be the year she kicks cancer’s backside for the final time.

 

Rest in peace, Grandad John. I will miss you, always, and I wish I told you more just how important and loved you were. I hope you knew without us needing to say it. You were one of the most important figures in my childhood and I’ll never forget how much of an impact you had on my life. You will always be the best man I’ll ever know and I’ll always be so proud to be your granddaughter. Fly high with the birds or sail far on the sea, Grandad, you are always on my mind.

 

 

 

“It’s not an issue…”: a much needed visit to Southampton

On the 20^th of last month, I headed to Southampton for another visit. This time, Kieran stayed behind at home in Blyth so that he didn’t have to take any time off work to come with me. I wasn’t going for any particular reason, except that I’d booked Mum tickets to the Greatest Days Take That Musical at the Mayflower Theatre and had said if I was able I’d go down to go with her and Harley. We’d seen the musical several years ago when it was called The Band and although I couldn’t remember much of it at this point, I did remember us really enjoying it. I’d also booked this trip while I’d been on special leave from work, during the time they were trying to find me a suitable accessible role, so hadn’t thought about the amount of time I was going for. I’d booked 12 days, which is a bit longer than my usual week or so. But at the time I hadn’t cared because I didn’t know if I’d even be returning to work. If they hadn’t been able to find me an accessible role then I’d have been dismissed. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case and I’ve just started my third full month of employment with HMRC supported by a lovely manager. However, this did mean that when I returned I’d booked rather a lot of leave with all the trips I’d taken to Southampton since February. At one point during my extended period of special leave, I was told that none of the time off I took during the leave would count towards my balance of annual leave if/when I returned to work. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the opinion HR took when my annual leave was calculated on my return. Kindly, a manager argued on my behalf and was able to get one of my week’s worth of days down in Southampton returned to me. Somehow, I’ve still managed to book all the days I need during this next year of leave off so I’m very relieved. Even if that hadn’t been the case, I wouldn’t have regretted taking this time off to go down, especially after the news we’d received the previous day. A few weeks earlier, Mum had to go back to the hospital for a scan after something in her blood levels checked from her latest checkup blood test were a bit high. They’d decided to give her a scan as a precaution to ensure everything was ok. Sadly, that isn’t the case. While at work on Tuesday the 19^th, the day before I flew down to visit everyone, I was gutted to receive a text message from Mum just after the time of her appointment asking if I was free to talk. As soon as I saw the message I knew it wasn’t good news. I’d already explained the situation to my manager who, very kindly, had said to take any call from Mum as soon as I needed to. So I took myself out of the team meeting we were all in on Microsoft Teams and rang Mum. She told me the cancer is back. It’s by her right hip and in the lymphnodes there. Shaking, I called across the desk to a colleague and asked if I could be taken to one of the quiet rooms I knew we had if we needed them. I knew my manager would realise it was bad news as I’d taken myself out of the team meeting. My colleague walked me to the quiet room and went to inform my manager while I phoned Mum back. There wasn’t much else she could tell me really, except that the mass was small and they couldn’t decide on a treatment plan until they’d seen the results of a PET scan, which they were trying to book as soon as possible. I was gutted and this time Mum sounded upset too. The last two times we’ve had this news she’s seemed quite calm, except when she’s seen us cry. This time, though, I think I’d convinced myself the cancer wouldn’t come back again, not after she’d been through chemotherapy. It’s silly, really, because I know chemo isn’t a guaranteed cure. But I guess I just didn’t want her to have to go through it all again. Once was bad enough. Twice, well, that just wasn’t fair. But three times, we’d thought surely that wouldn’t happen. But then when the blood tests came back abnormal, even by a fraction, and she told me she’d started to get an ache in her hip, I’d started to really worry. It seemed unlikely to be a coincidence. But I’d tried to stay positive, convince myself coincidence was all it was. Apparently not. It was exactly what I’d worried it would be. All I could hold onto at that point was that she was strong, had got through this before and I was going to visit the following day so could be with her and Harley. I spent that afternoon at home instead of working, as everyone told me I should. Kieran gave me lots of hugs and was waiting on the doorstep with the kettle ready when I arrived, even though I hadn’t actually told him I was on my way.

 

Around 4:30 the following day, Lesley arrived and took me to the airport for my flight. Before we left, she insisted on sending me £20 so I could buy flowers for Mum from her. It was weird saying goodbye to Kieran at the airport. It felt like he should be coming with me and I hadn’t flown on my own since the beginning of this year. But I just wanted to be in Southampton, to give Mum a huge hug. It was heavily raining when we landed and all the passengers waited on the plane for a few minutes until it had eased a bit. Dad and Sam were waiting for me in arrivals and it was great to see them. On our way to Dad’s car, the rain returned and we all got absolutely soaked. Despite my waterproof coat, my sweatshirt was still soggy. We went for food at McDonalds: Sam had a burger meal, I had a nuggets meal plus a portion of mozzarella dippers and Dad had his usual toffee latte. Afterwards, we stopped at Tesco on our way to Mum’s so I could buy the flowers Lesley had asked for. I spent £15 on two big bunches. By the time I reached Mum’s front door, I was even more soaking wet. I gave her the flowers and explained that they were from Lesley. She was very grateful and there were a few tears. The rest of the evening was spent talking, mostly about Mum’s news and what we thought might happen next. Obviously, it was all speculation; we wouldn’t know for sure until after the PET scan. But somehow it seemed to help to talk about it.

 

While Harley did their volunteering befriending telephone calls and Simon slept after his night shift, on Thursday morning Mum and I caught the bus into town to start my very early Christmas shopping. As Mum enjoys shopping and it gives us a reason to get out of the house, we thought we might as well get started. Plus, it’s a lot easier doing my shopping there as quite a lot of the recipients live down south anyway so doing it up north then posting it down would be impractical. We went to quite a few shops before stopping at a bakery and getting ourselves some lunch, which Mum spent the remaining £5 of Lesley’s flower money on a posh baguette and cake. That evening, Mum made cornbeef hash for dinner, one of our regulars when I was living at home; it was as nice as it always had been.

 

On Friday, while Simon’s car was in the garage having a new chip fitted, we wandered around Matalan and Home Bargains, picking up some nice bits and pieces. Then, we sat outside Costa for a while. When the car was eventually ready, we went to B&M bargains and did some more shopping before going to the nearby Ship Inn pub for dinner. Harley and I had a portion of loaded potato skins each and shared what was meant to be my macaroni cheese, which was huge and I wasn’t enjoying that much. Luckily, the potato skins were also huge and very nice. Mum and Simon shared creamy mushrooms, calamari and loaded potato skins for starters. Simon also had macaroni cheese but Mum just had the starters as they were enough for her. We just got everything to come out together as it made it easier for everyone. Overall, it was a nice meal; I’d just pick something different for a main meal if we go again.

 

The following morning around 11, Dad and Sam picked us up for a day of shopping in town. Beforehand, we popped into see Nan and Grandad. Sadly, Grandad still isn’t doing very well. He doesn’t talk much these days but still looks and smiles at you. He’s definitely still listening because Harley says he responds visually. Apparently, when I spoke to him and held his hand I got a huge smile and he squeezed my hand back. We had a good afternoon shopping in town. We went to Poppins for lunch: Dad had his usual brunch with beans; Sam had a cheese and bacon burger and chips; Harley went for chicken strips and chips; I had a tuna and cheese panini and chips. Although we used to complain about how often we went for food at Poppins with Dad, their menu does have a huge variety and the food was absolutely lovely that day.

 

That evening, while Mum and Simon were out, Harley baked cookies with a cookie dough mix we’d bought the previous day at B&M. It made very tasty cookies that were a lot like the ones you get from Dominoes. We watched the rest of Hebburn that we’d started during my last visit. My day had been made even better around 5pm when the tune of the Disney boat could be clearly heard from my room at Mum’s. It’s only coincidence but it always seems to be in dock when I visit. I love hearing it and shouting to Mum and Harley when it plays its tune, just like we always used to when I lived there.

 

The next day, Mum cooked a roast dinner for the four of us plus Simon’s mum and her partner. There was gammon and chicken with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, stuffing, cauliflower cheese, broccoli, carrot & swede mash and obviously lots of gravy. We had strawberry cheesecake for pudding. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the meal. During and after we ate, I was listening to the Liverpool vs West Ham match, which Liverpool won 3-1, and afterwards Sheffield United vs Newcastle. Amazingly, Newcastle won the match 8-0, setting some new Premier League records. Kieran was texting me the lyrics to some of the Newcastle players’ songs and I could imagine him singing them at the top of his voice in the flat. Later, we watched Paul Ogrady For The Love Of Dogs, Gogglebox, Pitch Perfect 2 and Match Of The Day.

 

Harley and I spent Monday with Dad and Nan doing Nan’s weekly shop. We went to Portswood and ended up in the Poppins there for lunch. As she doesn’t get to go out for dinner nowadays due to needing to be with Grandad, we insisted Nan treat herself to a proper meal; she chose ham, egg and chips which has always been a favourite of hers. Of course, Dad had his brunch with beans. I went for another panini, this time bacon, mushroom and cheese, which was also very nice. Harley had a jacket potato with cheese and beans and was very pleased to find they’d put enough butter on, usually an annoyance of theirs with Poppins. Afterwards, we stayed a little while at Nan’s to see Grandad and chat with Auntie Clare who’d been sitting with him. Later, Mum cooked some homemade chips to go with the leftover meat from the roast dinner. She and Harley added coleslaw and I had some beetroot with mine; it made a very nice meal. While we ate, we watched Pointless, Catch Phrase and Strictly.

 

By the time Harley and I got up on Tuesday morning, Mum had already caught the bus to the hospital for her PET scan, which had been arranged quickly as promised. We were able to see her briefly when she got home, just before Auntie Clare picked us up at 12:15 and took us to Nan and Grandad’s. We spent the afternoon with them and our cousin Lou and her 2-month-old baby daughter Fleur, who is absolutely gorgeous. Lou and her husband have been waiting a long time for a baby and Fleur is the miracle result of IVF. Lou is completely smitten with little Fleur and a great mummy already. I never miss an opportunity for a baby cuddle and it was great to catch up with Lou. Obviously, it was a great chance to spend more time with Nan, Grandad and Auntie Clare too. Grandad was asleep most of the day but Lou took a lovely picture of him smiling with Fleur laid next to him on his bed. Also, Nan made a little spread of food for lunch including sandwiches, warm sausage rolls, crisps, pasta and some little cakes. Harley had brought some of their homemade cornflake cakes which everyone enjoyed. All in all, it was a rather lovely afternoon. That evening, we watched some women’s football and Mum ordered Dominoes for herself and I. She had some chicken wings and I had a bacon and chicken wrap with some potato wedges.

 

Wednesday was a working from home day for me. I’d agreed with my manager that I’d work a couple of days during my visit so that I didn’t use up so many of the few annual leave days I have left. I worked my usual home working hours of 9 til 5. At lunchtime, Harley ordered Subway for themselves and me while Simon took Mum to the doctors for an emergency appointment about her chest. She’d been feeling a bit rough with a blocked nose and sore throat but it seemed to be getting worse and at times she was struggling to catch her breath. She returned with antibiotics for a chest infection and instructions to go to the acute ward, where she went if she was worried about chemo side effects, if it got any worse. After I’d finished work, Mum cooked lasagne, some sliced potatoes with bacon and a cheesy garlic bread for dinner; again, another of our regulars when I was living there. As always, it was lovely. I listened to Liverpool vs Leicester, which Liverpool won 3-1.

 

I spent Thursday morning with Jenny, who picked me up and took me to her house to meet her new Bedlington terrier Digbie. Digbie is very fluffy and cute. We spent the time chatting and I enjoyed the salted caramel milkshake she’d bought me. I also met her husband Simon for the first time, which was nice because she’s talked about him lots over the years. Later on, Mum’s Simon drove Mum, Harley and I into town so that we could go for a meal before the musical at the Mayflower. He’d decided not to join us as he had work that night. We went to the Italian restaurant L’Osteria. Which we’d never tried before. Mum had a mushroom risotto, Harley spaghetti Bolognese and me a pizza with salami, ham, mushrooms and pineapple. We shared some garlic dough balls for a starter. The food was really nice, although the portions were far too big. Even so, Mum enjoyed hers so much she ate it all, which is rare for her these days as the original operation she had means she can’t eat as much because it’s too much for her stomach. Afterwards, we popped into a couple of shops before catching the bus that took us a couple of stops to the train station, from which we only had a short walk to the Mayflower. We bought some merchandise, a program and two fridge magnets, then headed to our seats. The musical was brilliant. The storyline was lovely and reminded me, not that I need it right now, that you never know what’s around the corner. I’m so glad I got Mum the tickets because we all thoroughly enjoyed the show.

 

Friday was my second working from home day. In the morning, I took a break to try and get tickets to Take That’s concert at ST Mary’s stadium in Southampton next year. Originally, I’d planned to get them for just Mum and Harley to go together. But Mum then said Simon would quite like to go as well. Then, after the show the night before and seeing how much Mum enjoyed it, I knew I wanted to be at the concert to see her enjoy that too. Until now, Mum and I have gone to Take That together. The first time was at the O2 in London in June 2017. Then, in May 2019 they played St Mary’s. To begin with, Mum acted as if she wasn’t bothered about going. Again, after seeing her reaction to the musical the night before I knew that wasn’t true. Annoyingly, my app had logged me out, despite me making sure it was ready. I messaged Sam, who I knew was also trying to get tickets, to see if she was having similar problems with her app or the website. But she said it was fine. Eventually, she joined the queue for me, in the hope that one of us would be successful. But by the time we got there, all of the tickets for the St Mary’s show were sold out. There was some expensive standing tickets still available but I knew standing wouldn’t be any good to Mum or Harley. Desperately, I asked Sam to try queues for the shows at the O2 in London, thinking somehow we’d be able to make it work. While we were waiting, Mum shouted up that they’d announced a second date at St Mary’s. I told Sam straight away and she got in the queue. By now, Mum realised I was trying to get tickets and had joined the St Mary’s queue. But she didn’t press the right button for cheapest tickets so when quite pricy ones came up we assumed the cheaper ones had sold out. But then Sam phoned, saying she had four of the lowest priced tickets but actually in good seats if I wanted her to go ahead. At this point, Mum also said she had them. As Sam was already further forward, I asked her to buy them for me and I’d transfer her the money. So she did. We have four tickets to the second date of the Take That concert at St Mary’s next June. Mum was very pleased. I’d decided that I’d buy a fourth ticket provisionally for myself and if I couldn’t get time off work for it someone else could have it. After all the drama of securing the tickets, I actually managed to get quite a bit of work done for the rest of the day. Later on, Mum and Simon went to the kebab van we’ve always loved and Simon bought everyone dinner. Sadly, the food wasn’t as nice as it usually is; the chips were a bit soggy when they’re usually crispy. We spent the evening watching Brassic.

 

The following afternoon, Dad picked us up at 1:30 and we went to Bitterne where I did a bit more Christmas shopping before Dad and I had our hair cut. Afterwards, we went to Nan’s and everyone decided what they wanted from the chip shop so Harley could phone through the order. While Nan and Harley sorted the plates out, Dad and I went to collect the food. All together we had: an OAP’s fish and chips for Nan; two battered sausages (even though we only asked for one); two fish cakes; a portion of chicken nuggets; a pot of curry sauce; and a medium chips. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the food, even Grandad managed a few chips, a bit of fish, a piece of fish cake and a little bit of sausage. Nan said that was the most he’d eaten in quite a while, which made me very happy. While we ate, we watched the Tottenham vs Liverpool match which ended 2-1. It was a really lovely afternoon with Dad, Harley, Nan and Grandad, thanks to Kieran having the idea before I left. I’m so glad we did it and had that time to spend together. Harley even managed to get Grandad to say a couple of words, although his voice is very raspy now and it clearly takes a lot of effort. But it was good to just be there and make some good memories, especially after Grandad being poorly last time I was down. I squeezed his hand extra tight and gave Nan a big hug when it was time to say goodbye.

 

To begin with, on Sunday morning we were all going to go out somewhere for dinner. But by this point none of us were feeling that well. Although you can’t catch chest infections, it seemed like we’d all caught Mum’s cough and cold. However, Mum hadn’t done anything the previous day so was a bit fed up of being in the house and I always take any opportunity to go out I get so the two of us decided to go into town for lunch. Neither Harley nor Simon really wanted to come and said they weren’t hungry. During the bus ride, Mum had the idea of doing jacket potatoes for them that night so text with the suggestion. They both seemed keen. We decided to go to Pizza Hut. It was really nice having lunch with just Mum. Being with either Mum or Dad these days is rare but actually going out for a meal with them on their own is pretty much impossible. We had a really nice time and Mum really enjoyed her chicken delight flatbread and salad bowl. I had a meal deal which included a pizza and a side. I chose a create your own pizza with ham, mushrooms, sweet corn, pineapple and a stuffed crust with a portion of fries. I don’t get fries from Pizza Hut often and had forgotten how nice they were. I also had a salad bowl and unlike when we’d visited on my birthday, the salad bar was stocked really well. Afterwards, we popped to Asda to buy the baking potatoes for Harley and Simon’s tea plus some other bits and pieces, which included treats of snowy chocolate fingers, crispy cakes and gingerbread men. Later, we watched a few more episodes of Brassic and the Netflix documentary Biggie: I Got A Story To Tell.

 

Monday meant my last day of this visit had arrived. I was feeling particularly sad about it this time due to Mum’s news. At the same time, I was looking forward to seeing Kieran again. It felt weird being away this long and knowing he was by himself, except for Coco the cat of course, at home in the flat. But mostly I felt sad. I didn’t want to leave. It’s always hard going, even when I have another visit booked, but even more so when we have bad news. Mum had been told the results of her PET scan and decision on a treatment plan would be on the 6^th of October which was only four days later. It felt weird that I would be miles away back up north when she told me them. But that’s just the way it is. I have my life in Blyth now and I love it. But that doesn’t make it any easier being so far away from them all or saying goodbye when I have to. Before the goodbyes, though, I spent the day with Mum and Harley in town so that Harley could get their glasses fixed – the arm had fallen off – and Mum could exchange some items. Once we’d finished in the shops, we decided to sit in Costa for a little while. I had a gingerbread hot chocolate, smoky bacon roll and mini caramel shortbread; Harley went for a pot of macaroni cheese and a hot chocolate; and Mum had her usual white hot chocolate with a slice of salted caramel cake. Since she’s been going to hospital regularly, Mum’s been having a lot of Costa drinks and it’s usually a white hot chocolate. That afternoon, Mum cooked dinner around 5 so that I could eat before I flew. She made omelettes with homemade chips at my request. I’m not brave enough to try and make my own yet. Mine was very nice and I was feeling very full when Dad arrived at 6:15 to take me to the airport. It was very hard saying goodbye to Mum and Harley and it took me a few minutes to feel ok again. Dad drove me to the airport and waited with me for quite a while until assistance came to collect me. I gave him a big hug too. It’s hard saying goodbye to any of them, just a bit harder right now. Although my flight was pretty smooth, at some point my ear popped and became very painful. I was already feeling pretty rubbish with Mum’s cough and cold but by the time I reached Kieran and Lesley in arrivals I couldn’t hear out of my right ear. When we arrived home, I had a hot bath, a cup of tea then led in bed with a heat pad straight from the microwave on my ear. I’m very pleased to say that now, nearly two weeks later, it’s mostly better. It still pops occasionally but I can hear again and it’s not painful anymore. Also, since then Mum has had her results. Thankfully, there was no evidence that the cancer has spread beyond what they already knew from the first scan. They’ll be performing an operation at the beginning of November and will decide on further treatment after that. Really, out of all the potential scenarios she could have received from these results, that was the best possible option. We just have to pray the operation goes well and whatever follows is positive. We need some positive and Mum needs a break longer than a couple of months. I’ve already spoken with my manager and she’s agreed I can work from Southampton for a little while around Mum’s operation so I can be there to support her and Harley. I couldn’t be more thankful or grateful to my manager for this. The idea of not being able to be there for them after Mum comes home from hospital is unbearable. I’ve been there the previous times so need to be there this time too. Whatever else has happened since I was given the job at HMRC, I couldn’t be more thankful for the work flexibility we get and the lovely manager I now have. Working those two days I did down there in September showed me I can work quite effectively there so it shouldn’t be an issue when I need to do it again.

 

The title of this post is a phrase Mum says repeatedly, especially in situations when it really is an issue. It’s funny because I hadn’t noticed it much until Kieran mentioned it but she always says it when there is an issue with something she’s got to do but doesn’t want to. It makes me giggle every time she says it now and I thought it was pretty appropriate for this post because it is a really fucking big issue!

Happy 18th birthday… with your child’s priced meal

In mid July, Kieran and I went down to Southampton for a special event, my teeny tiny sister turned 18. Although I can’t visit Southampton for everyone’s birthdays, this was a special one so we just had to be there. On the 17^th, Lesley picked us up at 4pm and took us to the airport. The assistance was good and it was lovely to see cabin crew member June, who’s 70^th birthday we’d celebrated on our flight down in March. We landed on time and Dad and Sam were there to meet us. We all went to McDonalds. Dad had already had dinner so just had some chips and a latte; Kieran had a big mac with chips and a  biscoff McFlurry; Sam had a cheese burger and chips with a galaxy McFlurry; I tried the new veggie dippers and mozzarella balls with a portion of chips and a biscoff McFlurry. I’m not sure what I expected from the veggie dippers but even now I haven’t made up my mind whether I like them or not. The mozzarella balls were lovely. Kieran and I always try anything biscoff-related given the chance but were a bit disappointed with McDonalds offering. Although it had biscoff crumbs sprinkled over the top, that was the only biscoff part about it. It had some sort of caramel sauce on but just a generic one. I’d expected them to use biscoff spread and make the ice cream lovely and thick. Sadly not. Apart from that, the meal was lovely. I definitely enjoy it much more now I only have it on rare occasions. After we’d finished, Dad drove us to Mum’s where it was big hugs all round for her and Harley.

 

After I’d had breakfast on Tuesday morning – a slice of toast with Lidl’s version of biscoff spread, which is amazing! – Mum and I popped to Lidl for some essentials. Later, Kieran ordered Dominoes for our tea. Harley had been out with their friends so didn’t want any and Simon had eaten before he’d left for work. Mum had some bbq chicken wings and cheesy wedges. Kieran and I had a half and half pizza each and shared some wedges. I also had a chicken and bacon wrap because they’re only available down south for some reason. There were some cookies for everyone to share. The food was really nice and somehow I managed to eat all of it. I couldn’t regret it though because it was so nice, all got eaten and the wrap was well worth the extra calories.

 

On Wednesday, Mum and I went to town so Mum could buy last-minute bits for Harley’s birthday. She was very disappointed because she’d wanted to get a personalised photo cake from Asda but the machine was broken. She managed to get everything else she wanted, including a huge purple 18^{th birthday balloon, which we carried home on the bus. That evening, Mum cooked roast pork with roast potatoes, swede & carrot, green beans, broccoli, cauliflower and Yorkshire puddings. Kieran and I were very full afterwards and feeling like we hadn’t had so much veg in a long time, especially after only having a roast dinner at Lesley’s the previous Sunday. We do cook our own roasts but they’re never that great and not cooked properly how our mums do.}

 

Thursday meant Harleys big birthday had arrived. I still can’t believe they’re 18! A genuine legal adult, my little sister! Everyone always says a person’s birthday makes them feel old and usually it’s just one of those funny things you join in with. But this year I really felt it. My baby sister, who I remember Mum and Dad announcing they were pregnant with, is an adult. I think they’ll always be a child in my mind. Harley started their day by opening their presents from Mum, Imi, Kieran and I. We had a 2005s song playlist on the tv in the background. Unfortunately, Kieran’s almost endless knowledge of music meant he kept telling us that all the songs were from other years. Around half 12, Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave arrived and took us to the Harvester in Whiteley where we were joined by Nan, Dad, Michelle and Sam to celebrate Harley’s day with a meal. They’d arrived before us and decorated the table with banners and balloons. The food was fantastic and everyone enjoyed. I had a sweet chili haloumi burger with chips and a salad bowl. Harley decided to have two starters instead of a main course so that they could have plenty from the salad bar. They chose chicken goujons and potato skins. Nan loved her scampi and chips but wasn’t happy that her mushy peas weren’t proper mushy peas. Dad had gammon and Michelle a chicken salad. Kieran was sat on the other table with Sam, Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave. The four of them shared cheesy garlic bread, nachos and chicken goujons for starters. Kieran had a bbq chicken stack and Sam a chicken burger. Afterwards, we all sang happy birthday when Harley was presented with the pride themed chocolate 18^th birthday cake Dad had had made for them. Although I’m not a big fan of chocolate cake, this one was very nice and huge… after everyone at the table had eaten a slice there was still half a cake left. Once everyone had finished, we went back to Nan’s for the rest of the afternoon so that we could spend more time with everyone and see Grandad. Sadly, he wasn’t quite as I’ve seen him since he had his stroke last December. So far when I’ve visited, I’ve been quite fortunate that Grandad had been having one of his better days. Sadly, those better days seem to be a thing of the past nowadays as his condition seems to have worsened. That day, he really struggled to speak and got really upset when he couldn’t wish Harley a happy birthday. We got some nice photos of the two of them together though. It was just so very sad to see him that way.

 

That evening, Mum took Harley, Kieran and I to a new dessert place in town. It’s called Heavenly Desserts and definitely lived up to it’s title. Mum and Harley decided to share a platter of five mini desserts, Kieran had a strawberries & cream cheesecake with a cookie milkshake and I quite predictably chose a banana and toffee milkshake plus a white and biscoff cookie dough. Originally, I’d been worried that I wouldn’t be able to finish both and had been considering having a lighter pudding. But I’m very glad I didn’t as both were delicious. Everyone else thoroughly enjoyed theirs, too, which was especially good for Harley as it was their birthday treat and they’d been wanting to go there for ages.

 

I spent most of the day reading Lucy Spraggan’s new autobiography on Friday. In the evening, once Mum and Simon had gone out, the three of us ordered a takeaway and settled in to introduce Harley to Hebburn. Harley and I both had chicken burgers with cheese and cheesy chips, Kieran had a kebab wrap with chips and we shared a cheesy garlic bread. It was all very nice. Harley really liked Hebburn and we spent the rest of the night watching it.

 

Saturday was spent setting up Simon’s new phone for him. Later, we all went into town and to Cosmo for an extra celebration of Harley’s birthday from Kieran and I. Cosmo is great because it’s a buffet of all different countries foods. You can try pretty much anything and it’s all included in the £20 per person price. By the end of our hour and a half time slot, we were all very full and had tried loads of different things. That evening, we watched Elton John’s set from Glastonbury, which was amazing.

 

The next day, Dad and Michelle picked the three of us up around half past two and we went to collect KFC to take to Nan and Grandad’s, where Sam was also waiting, for everyone to share. Sadly, the afternoon didn’t go as planned. Grandad was very poorly. He was sick and not well at all. Nan called 111 and by the time we left a few hours later he was no better and they were waiting for someone to come out and look at him. Seeing him this way these last couple of times has really brought home to me that Grandad really isn’t going to be around forever and, if I’m being truthful, isn’t going to get better. For a while, everyone hoped physio and other medical help might mean his condition would improve a bit. But that’s not going to happen. His dementia is definitely getting worse and physio hasn’t improved the use of his bad arm. It’s horrible for us all to admit this and to see him that way. But most of all it’s hard for Nan. She’s caring for him 24/7 and struggles. But none of us, least of all her, want him to go into a nursing home. The most I can hope is that he’s comfortable and happy in his lucid moments. I gave Nan a big hug when it was time to say goodbye and made sure we waited until Grandad’s carers had left so I could go and say goodbye to him. It’s hard but more and more these days I wonder if I’ll see him again. Luckily, I’m visiting again in a few weeks and although not doing very well, he’s still here at the moment. Despite everything, it was good to be able to spend time with everyone for the afternoon.

 

Monday meant it was time to head home again. In the morning, Mum and I popped to Lidl and came back to watch some of the women’s world cup football, Dinner Date and Come Dine With Me. That afternoon, Mum made us nachos with meatballs and cheesy garlic bread. It makes a pretty good pre-flight meal and we really enjoyed it. Dad arrived around 6 to take us to the airport. Big hugs again for Mum and Harley then Dad himself when we said goodbye at the airport. I’m so glad I was able to visit for Harley’s 18^th. Although I feel a bit sad every time I miss someone’s birthday down there, not being there to celebrate Harley’s big one with them would have been hard. Since then, they’ve further celebrated by going to a Banksy exhibition in Bristol and London zoo. I think they enjoyed every part of their birthday and I’m pleased they did some really memorable things to mark it. As always, it was great to see everyone again, although slightly less so with Grandad being so different. I knew it would come but seeing it for real is tough. I think it’s rubbish how people work so hard for the majority of their lives and end up stuck in a bed in one room needing to be fed and washed because they can’t do it for themselves any more. Nan and Grandad are lucky to have had 57 good years of marriage before he had his stroke but in some ways I think that makes it harder for her. To witness the man she’s known and loved for the majority of her life turned into what he is now must be painful. But he’s still Grandad. Although it’s becoming less and less these days, every now and then he’ll manage a couple of words that sound just like the man he was. Harley says you can see in his face that he’s still there, still taking things in, just not able to get the replies he’s got in his head to come out of his mouth any more. Until he’s not with us, I’ll carry on trying to think of him and treat him like the Grandad I had for 25 years of my life. I’m so blessed to have had both him and Nan. You couldn’t get better grandparents anywhere and I’m so lucky to have so many amazing memories of them over the years; I hold onto them very fondly now. When I visit again, I hope to spend more time with them, even if it’s not so nice any more. Nan needs our support and company more than ever and I want Grandad to still know we’re there to visit him. I treasure every visit I get, good or bad. Now I’m working, I have to be more careful in the trips I book down south. Unfortunately, I wasn’t given back the leave I took during the period of six months special health leave I was put on. Originally, I’d been told that I’d get those trips back as I was already on leave so they wouldn’t count. But because I wasn’t actually nearby and able to go in the following day if they’d asked, I can’t count it as special health leave. I can’t regret taking so much because I had great times visiting everyone in Southampton. But if I’d known I wouldn’t get any of it back I probably wouldn’t have booked such long trips, like the one around my birthday, as it’s taken quite a few days off next year’s annual leave allowance. With all the plans I’ve already made to visit this month, at Christmas and in February, I only have a few days annual leave left for next year plus minus hours I need to build back up when I’m allowed to work flexi hours. But it’s done now and I’m glad I visited as much as I have while I could and that I already have more trips arranged. I’m very much looking forward to them all.

“Don’t tickle my smelly armpit”: another visit down south

On the 24^th of May, it was time for another trip down south, mainly so I could see everyone down there again but also to celebrate my birthday. Unlike most of the times before, this time it was John who picked us up around 4:30 and took us to the airport because Lesley had tested positive for covid. We arrived at the airport quite early but still checked in fine. Assistance came quickly but sadly weren’t quite up to the usual excellent standard we’ve come to expect at Newcastle airport. Even so, we just about got through security and boarded the plane on time. It was late taking off due to staffing issues. However, it was a smooth flight and we landed in Southampton at around ten to eight. After we’d retrieved our suitcase, assistance guided us into arrivals where Dad and Harley were waiting. On the way home, we stopped off at Tesco so I could buy Mum some flowers to celebrate the all clear scan and blood results she’d received the previous day. After 6 chemotherapy sessions and an operation before that after her second cancer diagnosis, she definitely deserves some good news at last. I don’t for one second take for granted how damn lucky we are that she’s still here. A shop-bought bunch of flowers was nowhere near good enough to tell her how happy I was for this good news and how proud of her I am for going through it like a champion. I cringe at all the well-worn things people say to/about cancer patients, like they’re survivors and heroes and fighters. But I guess she is. As an extra treat, I also bought everyone a Krispy Kreme doughnut: Biscoff for Kieran and I, lemon for Mum, hazelnut for Dad and brownie for Harley. Somehow, Dad managed to eat his as he drove us to Mum’s, shoving the whole thing in his mouth. After all the hugs and hellos, Mum served us slow cooked garlic chicken with new potatoes. It was very nice. We spent the rest of the evening watching the finale of Hell’s Kitchen.

 

After breakfast the following morning, Mum and I went into town so I could buy birthday presents for Harley’s upcoming 18^th and Father’s Day gifts for Dad. On our way to catch the bus home, we popped into Asda for a bit of shopping and bought a French stick so everyone could have rolls for lunch. I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in the sunshine in Mum’s back garden with Kieran, who quickly got sunburnt. That evening, Mum cooked burgers and homemade chips for dinner. She’d bought a selection of burgers so we all chose what we fancied from beef with cheese and bacon, chicken or lamb. They were very tasty. We watched Top Gun Maverick and a Tina Turner concert one of the channels was showing because it’d been announced she’d passed away.

 

Friday was another boiling hot day so Kieran and I spent it soaking up the sun in Mum’s garden. She covered us both in strong sun cream after seeing how quickly Kieran burns. That night, while Harley was out celebrating a friend’s 18^th birthday and Simon had his daughter visiting, Mum cooked a picky bits buffet-style tea. It suited the warm weather very well. It included mini sausage rolls, cocktail sausages, little duck spring rolls, chicken strips, chicken dippers, spicy chicken bits, BBQ chicken wings, pepperoni pizza and new potatoes. We had chocolate bar ice creams afterwards. We watched Catch Phrase while we ate and Travels With My Father after Simon had taken his daughter home.

 

On Saturday, we went to Go Outdoors, B&M and a healthy food pet shop before dropping everything home and going to The Red Lion Wetherspoons for some food. I had quorn nuggets, haloumi fries and curry chips; Simon and Kieran both had fish and chips; Harley had sausage and mash; and Mum went for the chicken bites basket. It wasn’t the best Wetherspoons meal I’ve had but it was nice to go out somewhere for food and to try something new there. Turns out I quite like their quorn nuggets. Just after we got home, a boat horn started blaring and I smiled a lot when I recognised that it was the Disney boat. It used to be at Southampton docks playing its tune often when I lived at Mum’s and we’d always shouted to each other when we’d heard it. It had been there this time last year, too, and it made me happy to hear it again. Kieran listened to the Coventry vs Luton championship play off match, which Luton won on penalties, meaning they got promoted. Later on, we watched Britain’s Got Talent and some boxing with Mum and Simon.

 

Around a quarter past one the next day, after Mum and Simon had left for a day out in town, Dad picked the three of us up and drove to KFC so we could buy food for everyone to take to Nan and Grandad’s. When we arrived, there was big hugs all round. It’s always great to see them but even more so since Grandad had a stroke in December. He’s changed a lot and it always makes me sad to see him as he is now. But that good old Grandad spirit is definitely still there. While we enjoyed the KFC, Nan had 60s music playing and Grandad kept naming the artists, getting the majority of them spot on; Elvis, Bill Haley and Roy Orbison had always been some of his favourites. I was very pleased that Grandad enjoyed the KFC. He managed a chicken strip, some mash potato, a couple of popcorn chicken balls, beans and some gravy. Afterwards, Nan surprised me with her lovely homemade apple crumble, which has always been my favourite thing she cooks since I was little. For years, going to Nan and Grandad’s for a meal on Wednesday afternoon was a tradition. Since Dad moved to live slightly further away and Nan became Grandad’s full-time carer, which is very draining for her, Wednesday dinners have become a thing of the past. They are some of my fondest memories of times with Nan and Grandad. Once we’d finished all the food, also including a bowl of sweets Nan had put on the table for everyone to share, Harley and I walked to the little shop around the corner to get Nan some milk. As we arrived back, Grandad’s carers had turned up for their third visit of the day. Nan and Grandad like to call them “his boys” because he doesn’t like them referred to as carers. Not long after they left, it was time for the football to start. It was the final day of the premier league season and a fixture I look forward to every year… Southampton vs Liverpool. It was a Southampton home match and although I’d looked, I hadn’t been able to purchase tickets to go. It felt weird being back in my hometown to listen to them play my team. Sadly, Southampton had already been relegated from the premier league by this point and Liverpool were unable to claim a champion’s league place. It was a great game, which we listened to on BBC Radio Solent via grandad’s little radio, and ended 4-4. Meanwhile, Kieran was listening to Chelsea vs Newcastle which also finished a draw at 1-1. During the game, Grandad took me completely by surprise when he asked where one of the Liverpool players, who they’d recently announced was leaving the club at the end of the season, was going. It made me so happy because it just shows that he is still aware of what’s happening and taking onboard some new information, even if it doesn’t stay in his memory for long. Another thing I was pleased about was that, after my suggestion, Nan tried Grandad drinking from a Greggs reusable cup and it was a success. She’d told me that he’d been struggling drinking from the straws we’d bought him to try last time and I’d wondered if the opening on a travel cup might be more suitable. Seems it worked. Around half past six, Dad decided it was time to head home. Just like last time, I have some funny quotes from Grandad to make me smile when I need it. First of all, Nan told us how, when he’d first woken up that morning, he’d turned to her and said, very seriously, “I’ve got some news… Martin’s lost his job again”. This had us all laughing, although hoping it wasn’t a premonition. The second was much more personal to Nan and Grandad, involving him casually asking her “well did you enjoy it?” and when she asked him what he was talking about he replied, “the sex”. If nothing else, it’s good amusement, bless him. The actual blog title for this post came after we were home, while Harley, Kieran and I were messing around and making each other laugh. I said “don’t tickle my smelly armpit” and it seemed to stick.

 

The following day brought my 26th birthday. I’m officially feeling very old. After we’d showered, we went downstairs where Mum had put up a balloon, banners and sprinkled confetti on the table in the front room. She always enjoys making a big fuss on our birthday, hence the crazy amount of presents she always buys. This year was no different. Amongst other things, she’d bought me a birthstone Pandora charm; lots of body shop products; some wax melts; essential oils; a microwaveable heat pack; Lush bath bombs, conditioner bar and shampoo bar; a funny Harry Potter shower cap; a Harry Potter luggage tag; a Liverpool mug. Harley gave me a cool pineapple window sign and a fidget ring; a bottle of coconut Body Shop perfume from Simon; Vouchers and money from Kieran’s family; a cool sisters Pandora charm from Imi which splits into two halves so we have one each. The only sadness was that nobody put the Stevie Wonder birthday song on, which has been a tradition in that house for as long as I can remember. Around one o’clock, we went into town and to a few shops before going up to Pizza Hut in West Quay to meet Dad, Michelle, Nan and Auntie Clare for my birthday meal. The best part about the whole thing was that Nan was able to join us. Since Grandad came home from hospital, she’s barely been out anywhere, not having many people to sit with him if she wanted to go out and not feeling it’s right to ask them. But together Auntie Clare and I had insisted this time. It was weird enough not having Grandad there with us, I didn’t want Nan to miss out too. Once everyone was there, I opened the gifts they’d given me. First, from Dad and Michelle, I got  the new 23-24 Liverpool women’s home shirt with Paige 26 printed on the back, some body shop goodies and a personalised Liverpool birthday card. Then, a card and money from Nan. Next, a big bag of body shop products from my good pal Sam (Josh, who has chosen the name Sam and she/her pronouns for herself as she identifies as a transgender woman). Finally, a dog Pandora charm from Auntie Clare. By this point, I was feeling thoroughly spoilt as I’d also received presents from Kieran in the form of gift vouchers for Pandora and Zizi that arrived by email overnight. The food was lovely. I had a salad bowl containing grated carrot, beetroot, sweet corn, peppers, crispy bacon bits and garlic mayo; a stuffed crust Hawaiian pizza with added mushrooms; and a white chocolate salted caramel cookie dough for pudding. Kieran had a stuffed crust spicy meat feast pizza and shared some of the new cheesy melts with Harley. Harley themselves had a bowl of salad and a create your own pizza with a BBQ base, chicken and ham and a chocolate chip cookie dough for pudding. Both Dad and Michelle had salad bowls and shared a portion of cheesy melts, some corn on the cob and a meat feast pizza with added peppers and mushrooms. Again, Mum and Simon had salad bowls and shared a meat feast pizza with added mushrooms. Auntie Clare and Nan also decided to share a pizza, going for half and half so they could both have what they wanted; they both had salad bowls and shared a portion of onion rings. The only complaint was that the choice at the salad bar was very limited. Just before our puddings arrived, everyone began singing happy birthday to me and a millionaire’s shortbread cake arrived, arranged by Mum. After the bill had been paid, I said goodbye to Dad and Michelle and the rest of us went downstairs to Pandora. I wanted Nan to help me choose a charm to represent herself on my bracelet. She chose a lovely sun, moon and stars dangling charm because she often puts moon and stars emojis at the end of her goodnight text messages. Lovely staff member Debbie was great at describing all of the charms with me and guiding my hands over them to show me the smaller details. She was also very intrigued by my Pandora necklace, which I’ve been adding to since 2016 and is now full. She seemed really happy to see some of the old charms they no longer sell. Later that evening, we watched more Britain’s Got Talent and I had a slice of my birthday cake, which was very nice but incredibly sweet; Mum knows my taste well. Overall, it was a pretty great birthday. I was thoroughly spoilt by everyone, was able to see most of my family and enjoyed a really lovely meal out.

 

After the busy day before, we enjoyed a few hours chilling in Mum’s back garden the next day. I ate my leftover pizza for breakfast and it was just as nice cold. Around 5 o’clock, we caught the bus into town so that I could claim my free Costa slice of cake, which is a reward you get on the Costa Club app when it’s your birthday, and use a body shop voucher. Primarily, though, we’d gone into town to meet my friend Tiny, his wife Nicky and gorgeous guide dog Millsey for dinner. We’d agreed on TGI Fridays and it turned out to be a good choice. Kindly, Tiny and Nicky had bought me a cool sequin birthday card of a football that changed colour if you moved the sequins up and down and a posh pizza slicer; this was because when they came to visit Kieran and I in December we’d had a conversation about how hard it is to cut up pizza without losing all your toppings. For the meal, I had the starter, fries and refill drink for £10 deal, choosing the Jack Daniels glazed sesame chicken strips. Mum and Harley also chose this deal, sharing two of them between them, having the loaded potato skins and Jack Daniels glazed sesame chicken strips. Kieran, Tiny and Nicky all went for the other good deal on, a starter and main course for £20. Kieran had sticky wings and the Fridays burger; Tiny chose the loaded potato skins and Fridays burger; Nicky went for Jack Daniels glazed sesame chicken strips and the quesadilla. Everyone seemed to agree the food was excellent. Even Millsey received good customer service as he was offered a bowl of water, a huge floor space to stretch out on and was left alone by the staff and other diners. It was so nice to see Tiny and Nicky again and I hope we can meet up again when I’m visiting or they have to come up north for work-related things at Guide Dogs. Once we were home, it was more Britain’s Got Talent. Mum got the song One More Time by Daft Punk stuck in her head after it was used in one of the act’s performances and kept singing it as we got ready for bed. I couldn’t stop laughing and she kept singing it every time she heard me giggle. I commented that she’d end up singing it in her sleep.

 

Auntie Clare picked Kieran, Harley and I up around half past ten the following morning and took us to Nan and Grandad’s. Nan needed to go out to do her weekly shopping so we’d arranged for the three of us to stay with Grandad while Auntie Clare took Nan out. It was nice to be able to help Nan out and even better that I was able to spend a bit more time with the three of them while I was visiting. Grandad was in good spirits again. I did my best to make conversation with him, asking him what he’d had for breakfast and whether he’d watched Britain’s Got Talent as I knew Nan sometimes did. Even though I listed as many options as I could think of, he couldn’t recall what he’d had for breakfast. But he did remember watching Britain’s Got Talent and the crazy guy who’d put a sword down his throat. Also, at one point he asked Kieran whether there was any sport on and they were able to have a little conversation about that. Around two o’clock, after Grandad’s “boys” had been for their lunchtime visit, Nan and Auntie Clare arrived with Greggs for lunch. We had sausage rolls and Yum Yums which were very nice. Just after three, Auntie Clare took Kieran, Harley and I back to hers for the rest of the afternoon. I gave Nan and Grandad big hugs before I left, trying to explain to Grandad that I’d see him next time I was visiting. I always feel that extra bit of sadness saying goodbye to them these days. I’m very aware that they’re both getting older and Grandad especially isn’t in the best of health any more. While Kieran and I lounged on the comfy sofa in Auntie Clare’s conservatory with crazy pup Teddy, Harley and Auntie Clare made cookie dough for our pudding. When Uncle Dave arrived, we all decided what we wanted from the Chinese takeaway and Auntie Clare phoned through to order. Uncle Dave went to collect it and we all enjoyed sharing curry chips, special fried rice, sweet & sour chicken balls, mini vegetable spring rolls and chicken chow mein. The food was very tasty and made a great combination for everyone. The homemade cookie dough pudding was also very nice and we were all very full afterwards. Later on, at home with Mum we watched more Britain’s Got Talent.

 

The following morning, Jenny popped round for a coffee and a catch up. She bought me some very cute birthday gifts of a handmade birthday card, dog patterned oven glove and little Labrador key ring. It was really good to see her again and nice to catch up. In the afternoon, Mum, Harley and I caught the bus into town, grabbed some snacks and drinks from the little Tesco Express nearby and went to the Mayflower to see the Disney’s Winnie the Pooh production I’d bought tickets to for Mum’s birthday. It was a kids show really but Mum loves Winnie the Pooh and it sounded like it’d be fun, which it was. We were definitely the oldest people without little children there by a mile but I didn’t care; Mum enjoyed it so it had the intended affect. That evening, Mum cooked chicken and chips with warm bread for dinner. It felt like a very summery meal. Afterwards, we had fudge cake and watched yet more Britain’s Got Talent.

 

Friday was spent in and out of the garden. The weather was still hot and Kieran was adding to his tan. I read two books: Sandi Lewis’s Living with Max, her first-hand experience of having a child with Down’s Syndrome, and foster carer Louise Allen’s Billy’s Story, which is her memoir of the sickening state little Billy was in when he was placed in her care and the horrors that emerged about what he’d been through. Although these fostering memoirs sound quite bleak, I really enjoy reading them to get a better understanding of what being a foster carer is like and the circumstances some children come from leading to them having to go into care. It’s strange because I feel like saying I enjoy those kinds of books is offensive to the children they’re written about considering the hardships they’ve been through. I guess “find them interesting” sounds just as bad but I don’t know how else to describe it. That night, Simon and Mum drove to the kebab van we’ve always loved and bought food back for everyone. Kieran and I shared a large mixed kebab with large chips. Mum and Simon did the same; Harley had chicken nuggets and chips. The food was lovely as always. We’d dithered between a Chinese takeaway or kebab and I was very glad kebab won. Yet more Britain’s Got Talent on the TV.

 

Around midday on Saturday, Simon drove the five of us to the nearby Mayfield Nurseries, a volunteer run small garden centre and café. Technically, it is within walking distance but is a bit too far for Mum, who’s still recovering from the after effects of surgery and chemo; plus, it was pretty hot out. We enjoyed a nice lunch: ham and cheese sandwich, triple chocolate brownie and a strawberry milkshake for Harley; a biscoff blondie and biscoff milkshake for me; an apple and cinnamon cake with a biscoff milkshake for Kieran; a raspberry & white chocolate cake and a coke for Mum; tuna mayo sandwich, slice of carrot cake and a chocolate milkshake for Simon. It’s a lovely little place and the food and drinks are all very fresh, being handmade by the volunteer staff. Later on, Mum and Simon went out to meet some friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. The three of us decided to order takeaway: cheesy chips and breaded garlic mushrooms for me; cheese burger with BBQ sauce for Harley, who had a few of my cheesy chips; Kieran had a burger with cheese, bacon and chilis and some chips; we shared a garlic bread. We watched an episode of Gogglebox and a documentary about Ed Sheeran. When they’d come home from their night out, Mum and Simon ordered a curry. Two more potential blog titles came that evening, one thanks to Suggs “he keeps getting his willy out” because he kept rubbing it across Mum’s fluffy mat in the front room and “I want my curry” said continuously by Mum who was staring out of the bedroom window waiting for the delivery driver to arrive.

 

At a quarter to one on Sunday, Kieran and I walked to the nearby bus stop so we could catch the bus into town to meet Sam. However, there was delays on the busses so Mum, Simon and Harley picked us up and took us into town on their way to Tesco. Once with Sam, we caught the 14:03 train to Bournemouth. After that, we got on the bus that dropped us off near The Moon In The Square Wetherspoons. We’d decided it’d be a good idea to have a meal there and sit there as long as we could before going to the Bournemouth International Centre (BIC) to see Russell Howard perform his latest stand-up tour. I had scampi and chips with mushy peas and some haloumi fries; I did order some curry sauce but it never came. Kieran and Sam had chicken burgers and chips and Kieran ordered some extra onion rings, not realising his meal already had some included. While Kieran and Sam had more drinks, I had the cookie dough sandwich, which was lovely although not warm like the description claims. At a quarter past six, we left the pub and went for a wander along Bournemouth beach. Another potential blog title came here when, as we walked, I kept saying “doughnuts” then “weed” repeatedly as the smells wafted. Russell Howard’s show had us all crying with laughter. It’s definitely the funniest live show we’ve been to in a while. Also, the reason the tour name hadn’t been found when we searched for was revealed… because he’d named the show “lucky jizz”. Dad and Michelle picked us up after the show. Sam, Kieran and Dad all enjoyed singing along to his rather diverse playlist on the way home.

 

As usual, the last day of our visit had arrived too soon. At first, this trip seemed to go nice and slowly, because it was longer than it normally is, but towards the end it flew by. We spent most of the day sat in Mum’s garden soaking up the warm weather. The forecast said Blyth was a whole 10 degrees cooler. At 4pm, Mum cooked us meatballs and nachos with garlic bread. We’d wanted to have a meal before we left because it would be late by the time we got home and there was no way we were going to cook or order something by then. Plus, I always enjoy it when Mum makes nachos with meatballs. Again,, it didn’t disappoint. By the time Dad, with Michelle and Sam, picked us up around a quarter past six to go to the airport, I was still feeling very nicely full. Big hugs all round for Mum and Harley. As always, it felt horrible saying goodbye again. My next trip to Southampton is scheduled for July to celebrate Harleys’ 18^th birthday. I still can’t quite believe they’re going to be a legal adult. If me turning 26 didn’t manage to make me feel old, Harley reaching 18 certainly does.

 

So another great visit home has come and gone. It was really great that I managed to spend so much time with all my family. But it’s never long enough. I was treated to a really excellent birthday and am so glad I managed to spend it with everyone, although it was sad Grandad and Sam weren’t there. It’s amazing to see Mum recovering from her chemotherapy. She did really well throughout the treatment, only having relatively minor side effects. The fact that she lost all her hair was the hardest thing she had to deal with. But it’s growing back lovely now; she’s certainly grumpy that she has to shave her legs again! Getting extra time with Dad was nice too, due to his new work schedule that gives him more days off each week. It was especially great to spend a couple of lovely days with Nan and Grandad. I miss them a lot and FaceTime isn’t quite as good as being there in person. Of course, takeaway with Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave plus the meal out with Tiny and catch up with Jenny were great bonuses. I can’t wait to be able to see everyone again in just over a month. Hopefully, we’ll be lucky with some more nice weather so we can enjoy Mum’s garden again. Although it’s heated up considerably up here now, the temperature really was 10 degrees cooler when we landed and it was quite a shock to the system.

“She just wants to see my willy”: another week visiting Southampton

On the 9^th of this month, it was time for another flight down south for another week’s visit to Southampton and everyone down there. Since I visited last, over the new year, quite a lot has happened. The biggest event has been my Grandad John being discharged from hospital and allowed to return home for the first time since his stroke in early December. Sadly, the impact of his stroke has been much worse than the doctors originally predicted and for quite a while nobody thought he’d be coming home. To begin with, the doctors diagnosed him as having had three minor strokes. His whole right-hand side was affected, including his face falling and being unable to use his leg or arm. Thankfully, not long after the strokes, his face returned to normal again. I think that was comfort for Nan because it was hard to see the man she’s been married to almost 60 years look so different. But of course that was insignificant as long as he was ok eventually. At first, Grandad was given physio for his arm and leg. He seemed to be making slow progress. But then things seemed to get worse. A scan was done and they found he’d had bleeding on his brain. Due to this plus his age and the three minor strokes, the doctors said the impact on him was like having a full major stroke. It was a big blow to our hopes of him returning to normal. Now, we know that’s never going to happen. They continued physio on his arm for a while but quickly decided there was nothing they could do for his leg; he wasn’t going to walk again. I know this upset Nan. It’s totally life changing for him. Although in recent years he’s become more and more unstable on his feet, he still used to go to the local shop and buy the newspaper every morning. They used to go out for their weekly shop every Thursday and sometimes out with Dad and Harley on Saturday for a wander around town and lunch out. Not the most active lifestyle or anywhere near as much as five years ago when he could still drive, but enough to keep them busy. His speech was somewhat affected, with him taking longer to respond and his words being slightly slurred. In time, his speech became clearer but he still takes a while to reply and doesn’t really start conversations. But he’d been like that a bit before the stroke. We’d all been certain he has dementia and Nan was trying to get him tested. But it didn’t happen. Now, they’re just taking it as a side effect of the stroke. But we’re still sure it’s dementia too, which has obviously made the impact of the stroke worse. Since he’s been home, he seems to have improved a bit. Nan is finding it tiring looking after him but the help of carers four times a day, when they’re competent, is making a big of difference. Before I travelled, everyone warned me not to expect too much from Grandad, that he’s changed a lot and isn’t really him any more. But I didn’t have expectations; just to see him home would be enough. But I was a little sceptical of everyone’s negativity. Over the phone, he’d seemed quite chirpy and as I’d expect someone who’s had a stroke to be. But I understood I wasn’t seeing him daily so didn’t see the good and the bad.

 

Other big things include Mum continuing to progress well with her chemotherapy and Dad starting his new job as a driver’s mate for Currys. We’ve all been pleasantly surprised how well Mum has coped with chemo. When you hear about people having it or read about it online, you always get the worst case scenarios. But, touch wood, Mum has been quite fortunate with the side effects. Of course, she’s very much looking forward to it being over and, as of last Friday, had her fifth out of six sessions. Netflix has been her main ally through it all, giving her something to focus on during the long hours of treatment. Hopefully, after her sixth session in three weeks time, only monitoring scans and physio will be a reminder of everything she’s been through. She’s looking forward to finding a new job and joining a gym to get her fitness and strength back up. Her immune system, which was notoriously rubbish before this, has coped amazingly with chemo and the doctors are really pleased with how things are going. Dad has settled into his new job quite well. Although, in usual Dad fashion, he’s not 100% happy there. Driver’s mate is always a role he’s enjoyed but he’s finding the long hours and distance driving from home to the warehouse difficult. I’m hoping that with a bit more time he’ll get used to it and start to enjoy it properly. He definitely enjoys the rota which includes three days off. This is a lot in comparison to his one day a week before. He’s able to visit Nan and Grandad a lot more, which is great given their new situation, and gets more time to spend with Harley and Michelle.

 

So, on 9 March at around 4pm, Lesley collected us from the flat and took us to the airport. We were checked in and through security quickly but the flight was delayed due to it being cabin crew member June’s 70^th birthday. According to a tweet the company put out later, June is one of their longest serving members of staff and it was a lovely gesture for the company to put on a little surprise onboard the flight she was working on her birthday itself. The CEO of the company was on the flight and had arranged personalised cupcakes for her, which were handed out to each passenger on the flight. Everyone wished June a happy birthday as they boarded and left the plane. We could tell she was really touched from the kind gestures and a little moved when she did her speech before landing. The cupcakes were lovely: plain sponge with a massive swirl of vanilla buttercream and a big icing decoration on top, which I assume was personalised with a message to June. The special celebrations were clearly totally deserved and it was really nice that the company made the effort for her. Kieran and I said we thought she was crazy working on her 70^th and hoped she would have some free time to celebrate personally with friends and family. It made for a pretty special and unique flight.

 

Dad, Harley and Michelle were waiting to meet us in the arrivals hall and there were big hugs all round. The member of special assistance staff helped us get our suitcase no problem. Dad drove us to Mum’s where she cooked lamb, beef, chicken and double beef with cheese in the middle burgers with homemade chips for dinner. We watched the films Live And Let Die and Crank, which were showing on TV channels.

 

The following morning, Dad and Michelle picked Kieran and I up around 11. We went and had a drink in Costa: a black Americano for Kieran, a decaf coconut latte for Michelle, his usual hazelnut latte for Dad and a rolo hot chocolate with a slice of lotus biscoff rocky road for me. Afterwards, we went next door and bought food from Greggs to take to Nan and Grandad’s for everyone for lunch. I bought a pack of four sausage rolls to cover myself, Nan and Grandad, Kieran had a steak bake, Michelle a chicken and bacon baguette and Dad a cheese and bacon twist; I also bought a few doughnuts in case anyone wanted one. It was so lovely to see Nan and Grandad again. I always miss them now I’m living far away but even more so since Grandad had his stroke. I just always feel like they’ll always be here, even though rationally I know they’re getting older, and Grandad’s stroke was a cruel reminder that they aren’t going to be. Nan was very pleased with the Greggs lunch. When they used to go out to do their shopping on a Thursday, they’d always sit in Greggs for their lunch and a coffee. Of course, that’s another thing they’re unable to do now. We’d been unsure whether Grandad would be able to eat a sausage roll so were all pleased when he managed quite a lot of it. Nan decided to save his doughnut for later. Despite everyone’s warnings, Grandad was on top form, chatting and making jokes. His speech is still a bit slower than it used to be and he definitely takes longer to process what’s being said and respond but he’s definitely still there, still Grandad.

 

After he’d eaten his lunch, Dad did some painting in the bathroom and kitchen for Nan. He also showed Grandad a video on his phone of his new car. A sad moment came when Grandad wriggled around in his chair, clearly trying to get up. When Nan asked him what he was doing, he said he was going to see Dad’s new car. She reminded him he couldn’t and when he questioned why not, she had to explain about the stroke and that he can’t walk. I think we were all a little choked up. Strangely, he didn’t argue, just accepted it and sat still.

 

A little later, we left Nan and Grandad’s to visit Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave for a little while. It’s always a juggling act to try and get to see everyone each time I’m down and even more so now Dad’s days off don’t fall on the same day every week. Auntie Clare’s hips are really bad now, to the point where she doesn’t move out of her chair unless she needs to because it hurts so much. Thankfully, her first hip replacement operation is scheduled for a few weeks time so we hope she’ll be in a lot less pain and more mobile very soon. Currently, Uncle Dave is taking special leave from work to be home to look after her. He worries about her being alone because she’s fallen over and been unable to get back up a couple of times. Of course, now Nan has to be with Grandad, unless someone else can sit with him, she can’t go to be with Auntie Clare. Uncle Dave was very busy while we were there, sorting things out around the house, and jokes that he’s slave Dave on minimum wage. Teddy, who’s now 9 months old, has grown loads since I saw him at Christmas and loved Kieran, as most dogs do. Harley arrived not long after 3, walking from college, which is only around the corner from Clare and Dave’s house.

 

An hour or so later, we left and went to a nearby fish and chip shop to buy dinner for us plus Nan and Grandad. Again, I wanted to treat Nan because she’s working so hard looking after Grandad. We were also curious to see what Grandad would be able to eat. Since his stroke, his swallow reflex has been affected and he struggles to eat quite a lot of food he used to enjoy. Nan asked for a small plain sausage for him and a pea fritter for herself; Kieran and I shared a large battered cod; Harley had chicken nuggets; Dad had a chicken and mushroom pie; Michelle had a cheese and mushroom burger; and I forgot to order the curry sauce Kieran and I were going to share. The food was quite nice but didn’t really have a lot of flavour to it. Happily, Grandad managed to eat quite a lot of his meal and Nan seemed to enjoy her pea fritter. A little after we’d finished eating, Nan and Michelle realised Grandad was uncomfortable. It turned out his afternoon carers hadn’t done a very good job of changing him. To start with, they’d changed him while he was still sat in his chair, which meant they hadn’t put his pad on correctly. This meant he’d wet through his pyjamas and was fidgeting to try and sort himself out. As Michelle is a nurse on the stroke ward, she offered to sort him out. As she said, we couldn’t just leave him like that. This is when the quote that forms the title of this blog was said. When Michelle explained to Grandad what she needed to do, in a really calm voice so he’d understand but without being patronising, Grandad responded straight away, quick as a flash, “she just wants to see my willy”. Without hesitation, as we all burst out laughing, Michelle responded “well I’m going to get your son to help so you can compare”. This joke, more than anything else he said that day, makes me know Grandad is still in there. After everyone was satisfied Grandad was clean and comfortable, we said goodbye. Another little sad moment came then when, as we said our goodbyes, Grandad said he’d come and walk us out. I just told him to sit and relax. He didn’t protest. That evening, we watched Jonathan Ross and Police Academy 4.

 

Saturday meant another day out with Dad. I needed to do Mother’s Day shopping as well as early birthday shopping for Mum and Dad because I wouldn’t be visiting again until after all three events. This meant a trip into town where Harley and I shopped in as many places as fast as we could to get everything we wanted for them. Seeing as we were shopping for three times the amount of presents, this wasn’t an easy task. Before we went into town, we quickly popped into see Nan and Grandad so Dad could check his handywork now the paint had dried; he was very pleased. We sat with Nan and Grandad for a little while and Nan told us the carers had been good that morning. Grandad seemed quite content and chatted a bit. I felt strange saying goodbye. It’s always hard but since Grandad’s had his stroke the distance seems that little bit further. Grandad made it sadder by trying to wriggle out of his chair, holding out his hand for Kieran to shake. Whenever Grandad used to greet or say goodbye to Kieran he’d shake his hand. Of course, Kieran couldn’t see what Grandad was trying to do and it took a few seconds for everyone else to realise. Again, he also said he’d come to see us out. I was a bit choked up because Grandad would always show us out and wave us off from the pavement. It’s a weird thing knowing he’ll never be able to do that again.

 

Once we were in town, the five of us went for lunch in Dad’s favourite café, Poppins. I had a cheese and mushroom panini, Harley a cheese toasty, Kieran a sausage and bacon baguette and Dad his usual brunch with beans. Afterwards, Harley and I headed off to do our shopping. Meanwhile, Dad took Kieran with him to HMV, CEX and the vape shop. Then, they had a coffee before sitting in the car to wait for us. Once we were finished shopping, Dad drove us home; I gave him a big hug goodbye as I wouldn’t be seeing him again until my next visit because he was working for the rest of this week.

 

That evening, while Mum and Simon were still out at their all-day music event, the three of us ordered takeaway while watching Gogglebox. We shared a mixed kebab, large cheesy chips and a cheesy garlic bread.

 

The next day was a quiet one until Kieran and I caught the bus into town to meet Josh for dinner and our comedy show that evening. The only notable thing that happened during the day was when I was playing fetch with Suggs and his ball upstairs and the ball bounced into the toilet. We disinfected it in a jug of boiling water with some washing up liquid so Suggs forgave me. Later, Kieran, Josh and I went to the Giddy Bridge Wetherspoons for our food. Josh had a chicken burger with cheese and bacon and chips; I had the chicken strip basket which came with chips and a cookie dough sandwich for pudding; Kieran had a mixed grill and shared onion rings with me. We sat chatting for a couple of hours until it was close enough to the start of our show to head to the theatre. We were seeing Chris McCausland perform his Speaky Blinder show at the Mast Mayflower Studios theatre. The show was absolutely excellent! Of course, the fact that the three of us totally understood the blind jokes he made was even funnier. I also found it quite strange because Chris described how he pictures scenes around him in his head since he lost his sight and I’ve never heard anyone else explain it like that, just how I picture things too. Josh wanted me to use a quote from the show, “Fanny Gravie”, for the title of this post but Grandad’s line is even better.

 

While Harley was at college, on Monday morning Mum and I popped to Lidl. The boiler stopped working so it was pretty chilly in the house, especially as the weather temperature had dropped too. During the afternoon, we watched game shows on telly, including Lingo, Bridge Of Lies and The Chase. As Mum enjoyed Lingo, Kieran introduced her to Wordle. Mum did meatballs and nachos with garlic bread for dinner, while Harley was out having Nando’s with their friends. Later, we watched a documentary on Paula Yates and the film Gone In 60 Seconds.

 

While Harley was at college and Kieran watched the Cheltenham festival on the telly, Mum and Simon took me into town so I could buy some new trainers and jogging bottoms to use when I play goalball. Later on, Mum cooked roast gammon for dinner and we watched The Chase, Masked Singer US and Star Struck.

 

As I wasn’t happy with them, on Wednesday Mum and Simon took me back into town to exchange my trainers. Meanwhile, Kieran watched more horse racing. On our way home from town, we picked Harley up from college and went to Lidl so I could buy Mum early Mother’s Day flowers. That evening, we went out for a meal at the Harvester restaurant in the Swan Centre shopping centre in Eastleigh. Harley had chicken goujons and loaded potato skins with lots of bowls from the salad bar; I had breaded garlic mushrooms, a big bowl from the salad bar and battered haloumi with chips and mushy peas; Kieran had jalapeno poppers followed by a chicken ribs combo with chips; Simon had a chicken burger, Mum had chicken skewers and they shared calamari and breaded garlic mushrooms. The service was good and food delicious so it was a great evening out; we were all very full by the end of it. When we got home, we chatted to Dad, Michelle and Josh on FaceTime before watching Masked Singer US with Mum and Simon while listening to the Real Madrid vs Liverpool second leg Champions League match, which Liverpool lost 1-0 (6-2 on aggregate) and exited the cup.

 

Thursday meant the day I always dread had arrived, it was time to say goodbye to everyone again and head home. Before we left, Kieran ordered Dominoes for himself, Harley and I; Mum and Simon didn’t want any when offered. Harley had chicken strips and potato wedges; Kieran had a meat feast pizza with extra chillies; I had a small create your own Italian-style crust pizza with tuna, sweet corn, mushrooms and garlic spread and a Texas BBQ wrap. The food was lovely. We watched more game shows during the afternoon before making sure everything was packed and ready to go. Dad arrived with Michelle and Josh to take us to the airport around 6. On Saturday, I’d thought we wouldn’t see Dad again but his work schedule had changed so he was able to drive us to the airport. Kieran and I gave Mum and Harley big hugs; it never gets easier saying goodbye. However, it’s only just over 2 months until I’ll be back visiting. By then, Mum will have had her check up scan after chemo is finished, so hopefully everything will be clear, and Harley will have nearly finished college. We arrived at the airport far too early and after sitting in the car a little while, all headed in. We checked in quickly and after briefly sitting down in the waiting area, a member of special assistance staff arrived to guide us through. More goodbye hugs were exchanged and then we headed through security to the departure lounge, where we sat for quite a while because we were so early. The flight home went smoothly and Rebecca and Dave were waiting to meet us at Newcastle airport.

 

So, another great visit has come and gone. I was glad I managed to see everyone, especially spending time with Nan and Grandad. Thank you to Lesley for taking us to the airport and Rebecca & Dave for picking us up. Thanks, Josh, for a great afternoon/evening out with great food and comedy. Thanks, Dad, for putting up with my endless shopping sprees, but you’ll benefit when your birthday comes. Thanks, Kieran, for keeping Dad company haha. Thanks, Harley, for all your help with the shopping and gift organising; I think we make a good team. Thanks, Mum, for having us to stay again and all the lovely food; the amount of time I’m down there is never enough but I’m glad I get to spend so much of it with you. Looking forward to when I see you all again in May.

 

PS: other potential blog titles for this post included “Fanny Gravie” from Chris McCausland’s show and Harley’s random line of “there’s been no sunsets and it’s making me depressed” as they tried to take photos from their bedroom window on Friday evening.

“What the f**k are you doing here?!”

Due to the week this post is written about being never meant to happen, this post was never meant to happen either. But after a spur of the moment decision on my behalf, here it is. On 30 November, my Mum had her second operation of the year to remove a cancerous mass, this time from her groin rather than stomach. We were told the cancer had returned on the 14^th October while I was visiting Southampton. In a weird way, I’m so glad I was there when Mum had to break the news to us. Of course, she would have done it anyway, just over the phone. But these kinds of thing are much better said in person. I had time just to sit and figure it all out in my head. We were able to have a cry together and discuss it as much as we needed to. That just isn’t the same miles away. Mum had a PET scan to confirm the size of the mass and enable the consultants and surgeons to decide on a treatment plan. They decided to operate first and then follow up with chemotherapy just to be sure everything is gone and give Mum the best chance of it not recurring again. Her operation date was set for 7 December and we all just waited for it to come. Then, a cancellation slot became available and they offered it to Mum who, although hesitant, agreed for it to be moved forward to 30 November. She began frantically making sure everything was ready for Christmas, worrying that not everything would get done to her standards if she left it until afterwards. Before her surgery date, the decorations were put up, majority of the presents wrapped and cards sent out to everyone. She packed her case, did all the laundry, separated out the correct amount of dog food portions into containers for how long she anticipated being in hospital. Every eventuality was covered. Harley packed a bag of essentials to stay at Auntie Clare’s for a few nights. Everything was ready. But on the day before the operation I just felt wrong. Mum and Harley had been messaging me with varying degrees of worry and optimism. I just felt like I needed to be there. So, thanks to my good pal Josh’s organisation skills and Lesley’s help, I made it so I could be. On the Tuesday morning, I messaged Josh and asked how horrendously expensive would train tickets to Southampton for the following day be. I fully expected him to give me some ridiculous price or tell me it just wasn’t possible at all. But he came back with a very reasonable amount, especially considering I was booking less than 24 hours in advance. Of course, he said I could make it even cheaper if I had a rail card. Mine had expired years ago and as I usually only travel accompanied by either Josh or Kieran, who both use trains more frequently than me and have valid rail cards themselves, I never really saw the point of renewing. Obviously, right at that moment I wished I had bothered. Quickly, I went onto the website to purchase a new one. I got halfway through the process before finding the website was experiencing technical difficulties. Both Kieran and Josh tried on several different devices for me just in case they had better luck. But nothing changed. So I just went ahead and booked without a rail card. Really, I wouldn’t have actually made any savings on what I spent that day as the cost of the rail card brought the total amount spent up to the original price of the ticket without the rail card. It would have only made me savings for the return trip. Once Josh had told me train times, I messaged Lesley and asked if there was any way she could take me to Morpeth station the following morning for an 8:55 train. I knew she was going to work, which is in Morpeth, that day so hoped it would be ok. She responded immediately, knowing it was Mum’s surgery date, and just asked if I was going to Southampton. She said it was no problem, although I needed to be ready early because traffic is usually heavy. I didn’t care about that. I just wanted to be down there with Harley, to be there for them and to be able to see Mum as soon as I could after her operation. I felt like if I was physically down there I could do things around the house, like hoovering or tidying, that Mum just wouldn’t be able or allowed to do once she came home. Simon works during the week and Harley is at college so I thought could help by being there during the day the first few days Mum was home. Being sat up here only being able to offer a chat over FaceTime didn’t feel like enough. Once everything was booked, I thanked Josh and Lesley over text message then went to give Kieran a big hug. I wouldn’t have been able to put my idea into action without any of their support and I really appreciated it.

 

I decided not to tell Mum, Harley, Dad or my grandparents I was coming down. I thought it would be nicer as a surprise. Plus, the journey that we’d booked meant I was travelling on the London underground by myself, something I’d never attempted before. My family are well-known for panicking so I thought it’d be easier not to worry them, especially as Harley would be worried enough as it was while Mum was having her operation. Another helpful thing about me travelling that day was that I had something to focus on during Mum’s surgery. I knew I’d never have been able to relax sitting reading a book during the day while waiting for news like I usually do most days. But I did need to tell someone because I needed someone to meet me at Southampton Central station and take me to Nan and Grandad’s where Harley and Dad would be having dinner. As Dad would be at work at the time I was due to arrive and Grandad doesn’t drive any more, I asked Auntie Clare. Josh said he’d have helped but he was working. Auntie Clare agreed almost immediately, after offering to pay the price of a plane ticket to get me there instead as that would be easier. The plane price was twice the price I spent on the train ticket and meant I wouldn’t reach Southampton until the evening. The train meant I’d be there before teatime. If we were lucky, I’d be able to visit Mum in hospital that evening. I packed a bag and Josh booked passenger assistance so that I’d be met at each station and helped onto my next train. My journey went from Morpeth, change at Newcastle, change at London King’s cross onto the underground, get off the underground at Victoria and onto the train from Victoria down to Southampton. I was mainly nervous about the change at Newcastle. Although the underground might be more scary, I’ve never had any issues with assistance on the underground before. Once, when Josh and I were travelling home from a visit up here, passenger assistance didn’t meet us off our train at Newcastle and it took a while to find someone else to help us onto our connecting train. Those moments worrying you might not find anyone to help you so you could miss your train are pretty daunting and that’s even with Josh, who is probably one of the most capable visually impaired travllers I know, by my side. The idea of nobody meeting me to help at Newcastle on an early morning by myself worried me. I only had a short amount of time to catch my connecting train, too, so couldn’t afford errors. Plus, as Josh had reassured me, the underground is always busy and someone, whether that be member of staff or public, always passes by and asks if you need any help if you’re standing looking lost.

 

As it turned out, I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I got up at 6am the following morning, showered and had breakfast. After adding the last essentials to my rucksack and hugging Kieran goodbye, I went with Lesley at 8am to the train station. As she’d predicted, we got stuck in some traffic but arrived in plenty of time for my train. As the train arrived, Lesley took me to the guard and explained that they needed to make sure assistance met me at Newcastle to help me onto my next train. The guard was excellent, helping me to a seat and then guiding me off the train at Newcastle and handing me over to another member of staff who took me straight to the platform of my next train. Ten minutes after I’d settled on the train from Newcastle to King’s Cross, I had a text from Mum to say she was going down to theatre. It’s a weird moment, knowing this is it and she’s in the hands of the surgeons now. Although they’re of course incredibly well qualified and amazing at what they do, you still can’t help feeling wobbly. Luckily, I had the excitement of going down to surprise everyone to keep me occupied. I put my earphones in and played all my favourite songs. About an hour into the journey, I realised I really needed the loo. I wasn’t really sure what to do so messaged both Kieran and Josh asking if they knew any way I could contact a member of the train crew to help me. Other than wait for one to pass and call out to them, neither had any suggestions. As I really needed to go, I leant across the aisle and asked a random member of the public if he could help me find someone. Straight away, he got up and went to get someone for me. That’s when I met train crew staff member Paul, who was great at helping me. He guided me to and from the toilet and once I’d sat back down told me to stay in my seat when we arrived in London and he’d come and help me onto the platform and to a member of assistance staff; and he did just that. The assistance continued to work flawlessly at King’s Cross. Someone guided me to the entrance to the underground, where I was handed over to another member of staff who helped me onto the tube. While I was on the tube I felt a little bit nervous. Luckily, it had really clear instructive announcements that meant I knew exactly when to get off. As I was getting up to make my way off, a random member of the public offered to help me. Although I’d have been fine doing it myself, I accepted and let them guide me off. I do this because I always think that by me accepting their support it might mean they offer help to someone else in the future who really needs it. Plus, it means I’m that little bit safer. As soon as I stepped off, another member of underground staff was there and took me to meet a member of the overground staff at Victoria. He took me to the assistance seating area, where I had about half an hour to wait. Just as he was guiding me towards my 1:35 train, my phone started to ring. Quickly, I stopped and checked. It was Mum, FaceTiming to tell me she was in recovery. Of course, as my visit was still a secret, I couldn’t answer a video call. I wouldn’t have been able to hear her anyway and needed to board my train. I sent her a rushed text saying I’d call her back in a few minutes. As soon as I was settled in my seat on the train to Southampton, I phoned her back. Still very drowsy, she didn’t really say much. But she was able to tell me she was ok and that was more than enough. It made my journey that little bit more exciting. I was so relieved she was all right. I think the scariest part was while she was in surgery unable to contact us. Although she was groggy now and the onward recovery is going to be long, at least she was able to talk to us again, tell us what was going on. I couldn’t wait for her reaction when she realised I was going down to see her. I’d wiped a few tears away and was smiling like an idiot; can’t imagine what my fellow passengers thought… But I just relaxed and enjoyed the rest of my journey. Mum was out of surgery, it seemed to have gone well, she was awake and talking fine and I’d done the scary part of my journey. Assistance had been amazing and the underground hadn’t been bad at all.

 

I arrived into Southampton Central right on time at 16:03. Again, a member of staff had told me to stay in my seat and assisted me off the train, where Uncle Dave was waiting to meet me. He took me to the car where Auntie Clare and puppy Teddy were waiting. We went and had McDonald’s for dinner nearby before driving to Nan and Grandad’s to surprise everyone. The reactions were definitely the best part. While Uncle Dave helped Auntie Clare get out of the car, I knocked on Nan’s front door. Quietly, Uncle Dave told me it was Harley coming to open it. “What the hell!” they exclaimed, giving me a massive hug. Nan, who was cooking at the stove, came in shock. Then, Harley shouted to Dad who did his trademark grumpy “what do you want?” to which I walked into the front room where he was sitting and said “who do you think you’re what the hell-ing?”. We had big hugs all round and then Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave came in. I explained what I’d done and how it’d been planned while they ate their dinner. Then, Harley messaged Mum to find out if she could have visitors that evening. But she hadn’t been moved from her recovery bay across the road to the hospital and her permanent ward so had been told no visitors. Obviously, I was quite disappointed; being able to wander onto her ward and surprise her that way the night of her surgery was the ultimate. But doing it via FaceTime while sat in my old bedroom was a close second. To begin with, she thought Harley and I were doing some sort of split screen FaceTime call. But then she recognised the wall behind me and that we were sitting next to each other. She swoere at me, like everyone else seemed to be. Harley said she cried a bit. It was just so good to be there. Again, I told her the story of how it had all happened. Like everyone else, she couldn’t believe I’d managed to keep it a secret and that I’d gone on the underground by myself. Nan’s reaction to that was the best; she said I wasn’t allowed to surprise them like this again or she might have a heart attack, she couldn’t stop shaking. Obviously, they were all pleased really. It was so good to surprise them, especially Mum. She spent the rest of the evening messaging me thanking me for coming. While we were on FaceTime, she told us she was still in recovery and hadn’t seen her surgeon for the report on how her operation had gone and for him to check on everything. That needed to happen before she could move. She said she wasn’t in any pain and hoped to have something to eat soon. After we’d said goodbye, Simon arrived. We thought we’d play a little prank on him. Of course, Harley was supposed to be staying at Auntie Clare’s so the house should have been dark and empty so he was already surprised when he came in to see Harley on the stairs. Harley said, “I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you…” and then I walked around the corner on the landing so he could see me too. “What the fuck are you doing here?!” was his exact response, but in a good way; I did check with Harley and he was definitely smiling. We went downstairs and chatted a bit and then he got Mum on the phone. In amongst talking about how she was doing and how the surgery had gone, they kept saying about how much of a sod I was for surprising everyone. I could tell Mum was pleased though. A little later, we were told that the surgeons had successfully removed the mass showing on the PET scan, which had multiplied from a few millimetres to the size of a ping pong ball, but had also taken away another two lumps, each the size of a ten pence piece. Although it was reassuring to hear they’d got everything, it was scary to know there had been more cancer in there than we’d realised. The amount the original mass had grown and the new lumps were worrying. But we focused on they’d got everything. The surgeons were pleased with how it had gone.

 

The following morning, we woke with the news that Mum had eaten a couple of sandwiches and a yoghurt and had a good night’s sleep; she still wasn’t in pain. We celebrated by listening to Christmas songs because it was the 1^st of December. We also had a laugh about how Mum had posted me an advent calendar and now I’d be a week late in starting it. After Harley had finished their volunteering phone calls, we caught a bus into Southampton town centre and went for lunch at Pizza Hut while we waited to see when we could visit Mum. She’d checked with the nurses and we were allowed to visit in her current recovery ward but she was going to be moved across to her permanent ward in the hospital opposite very soon. Originally, Harley and I were just going to grab a quick lunch at the Subway in the hospital. But I decided it would be a good idea to get a bigger meal so we didn’t have to worry about getting dinner that night, as we also didn’t know what time we’d get home after visiting Mum. It was also a nice chance for us to spend some time together just us. We both had unlimited refill drinks and unlimited salad bar. Harley had a stuffed crust margarita pizza and I had a stuffed crust Hawaiian pizza. We had cookie dough for dessert, Harley’s chocolate chip and mine white chocolate with salted caramel sauce. The food was excellent and we felt very full on our bus ride to the hospital. As we arrived, Mum messaged to say she’d been moved at last. Harley phoned the number of the ward and asked if we could visit. We were allowed in straight away. Mum was in the corner by the window in a little ward of four occupied beds. Just like when she was in the Royal Marsden for her last operation, she was the youngest patient by several years. The nurses and ward sisters were all very nice and we managed to stay with Mum for about an hour and a half. While we were there, her evening meal was brought round. It consisted of macaroni cheese, some veg and a weird sponge pudding in a pot. She said it was worse than school dinners but tried to eat as much as she could manage. Towards the end of our visit, she messaged Simon and asked him to pick us up on his way home from work. Unfortunately, we’d used up Mum’s allowance of two visitors per day so Simon wasn’t able to see her. Mum said he didn’t mind too much and he’d be able to see her the following day as, all going according to plan, after the surgeon had seen her she was allowed to come home. We were all so pleased.

 

On Friday morning, Mum confirmed she’d definitely be coming home that day, although she didn’t know what time yet. So Harley went to college as usual and we said we’d update them as soon as we knew. It also made sense for Harley to go to college for the day because they were scheduled to look after Auntie Clare’s puppy Teddy that evening while Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave went to a birthday party; their house is just around the corner from Harley’s college. Obviously, before I’d disrupted everyone’s plans, Harley was meant to be staying at their hourse so would have just been there to look after him. After they’d left for college, I hoovered the house and did some cleaning. Mum arrived home around 2pm and it was so good to see her. I think visiting her the day before had been the first time I’d seen her in hospital since Harley was born. Ironically, Mum’s never ill. By now, she was in a bit of pain but still managing to stay cheery and positive. She came home with a drain in, which is in until the 16^th when she’ll go back for a scan and to have it and the staples on the surgery site removed. While Mum had a nap on the sofa, I went upstairs where, via FaceTime, Josh helped me book my return train tickets for the following Wednesday. Kieran had already told me to stay longer if I wanted to but I needed to go back at some point and had always had a week’s stay in mind; prolonging it only makes it harder. Plus, I’d only packed enough medication for a week. My original Christmas visit is booked for the 27^th anyway so it won’t be long until I’m there again.

 

When she’d arrived home, one of Mum’s first questions had been what were we going to have for dinner. None of us had any suggestions. I’d thought that between us Simon and I would find something out of the freezer to cook. But Mum really wanted to order a Chinese. We were all pretty hungry so as soon as it opened we placed an order. Mum had a mushroom curry with fried rice; Simon ordered hot and sour soup and a chicken, gravy, chips, peas and mushroom dish; I chose sweet and sour chicken and special fried rice; we shared prawn crackers and a platter which had veggie spring rolls, curry samosas, seaweed and crab claws. Unfortunately, the food quality was pretty poor and Simon’s meal was so cold he had to go and collect another portion as well as getting some chips because they’d missed those off the order. We spent the evening watching the Cameroon vs Brazil world cup match (1-0) until Harley returned from looking after Teddy.

 

Saturday meant Harley’s usual day to spend with Dad. As Simon was home and Mum just needed to rest, we thought we might as well go out with Dad for a few hours as planned. Dad and Michelle picked us up a little after midday and we drove to Eastleigh where we met Nan and Grandad, who’d caught the bus. We went to say hello to Josh, who was working. While we were there, Josh offered to come on the train to London with me on Wednesday. This would mean I could do the quicker route on the underground, which includes one change, and have time to get some lunch at King’s Cross; so of course I accepted. It was a nice opportunity for Josh and I to catch up and obviously company is always welcome, especially as travelling from Southampton to Newcastle, or vice versa, makes a long day. Once we’d said goodbye to Josh, we headed to Poppins for some lunch: Dad and Grandad had cooked breakfasts; Nan enjoyed ham, egg and chips; Harley had a cheese burger with a jacket potato and beans; Michelle had a loaded burger with chips; and I went for a tuna and cheese panini with chips. After we’d finished eating, we went to a few shops before saying goodbye to Nan and Grandad, who were ready to head home on the bus. On our way home, we popped into see Auntie Clare to give her our Christmas cards and a Guide Dogs 2023 calendar I’d been given for free in my new sponsor a puppy pack. Later, we spent the evening watching Catch Phrase, Dirty Dancing and Love Actually.

 

I spent Sunday helping Mum with laundry and online Christmas shopping. Simon cooked roast chicken with roast potatoes, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and sprouts. Not that I joined in with the sprout eating. Later on, Simon took Mum to the hospital because her drain was leaking fluid. The nurses decided to put a dressing over the operation site to protect from infection, even though the surgeon had originally said it was better left uncovered because it would heal better. While they were gone, Harley and I did the washing up and tidying in the kitchen. Then, Harley attempted to slice up the pineapple I’d bought to have while I was staying. It turned into quite a challenge for them as they’d never cut a pineapple before so used a YouTube video as guidance. This gave the other possible title for this post: “how to butcher a pineapple: my surprise trip home”. When Mum arrived home, we watched the England vs Senegal match, which ended 3-0, putting England into the world cup quarter finals.

 

On Monday morning, Mum had to go to the hospital again because the drain was still leaking quite a lot. They adjusted the drain and replaced part of it that wasn’t working properly. When Harley finished college at lunchtime, the two of us went into town to get last-minute Christmas presents. I treated myself to a cinnamon pretzel from a stand in West Quay. We browsed the Christmas market on the high street and I decided to buy some of the homemade fudge from one of the stalls. I bought some for myself, Mum, Dad and Kieran; Harley said they didn’t like fudge. There were loads of different flavours and we went through them all several times picking each person all the ones we thought they’d enjoy. I ended up spending quite a lot of money on fudge but it was worth it just by Mum being so pleased with hers. She’s always said she’ll get herself some when the Christmas market has been there in previous years but never did. It was nice to buy her an extra treat and I enjoyed mine. That evening, Simon bought food from the chippy home to go with the leftover cold chicken from Sunday’s roast. I got a piece of battered cod to go with mine and it was delicious.

 

I spent most of Tuesday reading a book in the lounge while Mum dozed and watched Celebs Go Dating and other reality TV shows. At 6pm, we watched the Royal Marsden Celebrate A Life Christmas carol service live stream from the Sutton hospital. This is the hospital Mum’s gone to for all her aftercare since the first operation. Before the recent cancer recurrence diagnosis, Mum and Simon with maybe Harley were going to travel to Sutton to be there in person for the service. There’s a special Christmas tree where you can pay to name a star after someone special affected by cancer. Mum paid for a star for herself to be on the tree and also got stars to put on our own Christmas trees. She was quite disappointed that she couldn’t travel to be there but being able to watch the live stream was good. We had jacket potatoes for dinner. We spent the evening watching more world cup football, 24 Hours In A&E, All Right On The Night and Royal Family.

 

Wednesday meant it was time for me to head back up north and home to Kieran. In a way, it felt far too soon. But I knew it was time to go and I needed to get back at some point. Mainly, I had no more medication passed Wednesday night’s dose and my friend Tiny, his wife Nicky and lovely Guide Dog Millsey were due to visit me the following day. Although goodbyes are always the hardest, even more so with Mum being poorly and needing as much help and support as she can get, it felt a little less difficult this time because I’m flying back down on the 27^th for a post Christmas stay. When Harley left for college that morning, I gave them a big hug and said I’d be back soon. Then, at around twenty past eleven, Uncle Dave arrived with Auntie Clare and Teddy to drive me to the train station to meet Josh. I gave Mum an even bigger hug; saying goodbye to her is always the worst, even though we message and usually phone each other every day. Josh was waiting for me at the station and after saying goodbye to everyone we headed straight through the barriers onto our platform. We boarded our train and chatted all the way to Waterloo. Josh effortlessly got us on and off the tube to King’s Cross and we got some lunch at Leon, Josh having a chicken burger with chips and a halloumi wrap with waffle fries for me. After we’d finished, Josh guided me to the assistance desk where a member of staff then helped me board my train to Morpeth. It was really nice having Josh join me for the first part of my journey. It was good to have someone to chat to and an extra bonus that we could get some lunch. I don’t really like eating while travelling and it isn’t in the special assistance staff’s duties to help passengers get food. Plus, Josh made going on the underground easy. I arrived back in Morpeth at 6:03, helped off the train by the man who’d been sitting beside me, where Rebecca was waiting to meet me. Having Josh join me for the first part of my journey made the day go much faster so it didn’t feel draining like the trip down had. Although flying is definitely the best way to travel between Southampton and Newcastle because of it’s convenience of only taking an hour, getting the train really isn’t that bad. It’s much cheaper. But going by train means you have to factor two days worth of travel into your visit and I’d much prefer spending that time with the people I’m going to see. But for last-minute trips like this one and times when I have extra days I can use for travelling, it’s well worth it.

 

I’m looking forward to a lovely Christmas with Kieran and family before flying back to Southampton for a week and am so glad I took the risk of travelling last-minute to be there with everyone after Mum’s operation. I know it’s not possible for me to be there for every big event nowadays but it feels good when I can. Hopefully, once Mum has had however much chemo they decide she needs, cancer will be out of her life and I’ll only have good things to visit for. It’s about time she has some good fortune. Cancer has done enough damage now and it’s time she got a break. It’s the worst thing seeing her go through the operations and pain she’s suffered due to cancer. Yes, we know we’re incredibly lucky that, touch wood, everything is going to turn out for the better after chemo has blasted her cells. But I wish she’d never had to go through it at all. It’s strange, I always watch Stand Up To Cancer and similar shows raising awareness and asking for donations but you never expect it to be someone you love those donations and charities will be helping. Naïve really given the statistics. I guess it’s just wishful thinking hoping it’ll never hurt those you care about. I remember watching the Stand Up To Cancer show in 2020 and feeling so grateful we were all well, that Grandad who’d had prostate cancer in 2015 was fully recovered and cancer free. It’s just crazy how things can change so much. My hope for 2023 is that it brings good things for Mum, that chemo isn’t too invasive and she doesn’t experience the horrible side effects you hear about – or if she does, she doesn’t get many and it’s over quickly. I hope by this time next year she’ll be cancer free with only her three-monthly check ups as a nasty reminder. And then I hope that’s it. No more cancer. Once is bad enough, twice is more than enough, she doesn’t need any more. So please, cancer, fuck off now.

 

Biggest thanks to Josh, Lesley, Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave who made it possible for me to travel down and surprise everyone. I wish it could have been for a better reason but it was great to be able to do it just for the reactions I received.

“Harley up” and “ show us your legs Colin”

After 4 months of not seeing them, it was time for a southern family reunion. As arranged, once they were ready – Dad insisted on a haircut and some lunch in a less than nice local café before leaving – Dad, Michelle, Harley (Tamsin) and Josh sat in Dad’s car for 7 hours and headed north, arriving at our flat at around 10:30. Of course, after that length of time spent in a car plus multiple stops – Josh claims only 2 of them were his fault – everyone was pretty tired. But it was so great to see them. They took advantage of our facilities, Dad going for the crisps and coffee and Michelle opting for some of Kieran’s beer. While we chatted, Dad gave Kieran and I the little presents they’d bought back from their recent holiday to Tenerife. Kieran and I had a football magnet each, obviously his Newcastle and mine Liverpool, a tea towel and another magnet that said Tenerife. I immediately put the magnets up on the front of the fridge, which is now pretty full. After they’d finished their refreshments – and Dad had fully slated Kieran’s music selection playing on the multi-room system – they headed off for the night to their hotel. Josh, Kieran, Harley and I stayed up another hour and a half just chatting.

 

On Saturday morning, Kieran cooked himself and Josh sausage sandwiches for breakfast. Harley and I decided not to join them because we thought Dad and Michelle would soon arrive for our shopping spree to the Metrocentre. We soon realised we were mistaken when they didn’t arrive until 12:30, after indulging in the hotel breakfast. By this time, Harley and I were pretty hungry and a bit annoyed. However, we were soon on our way. I’ve never been to the Metrocentre before and after being repeatedly warned by Kieran it was rubbish, I was quite pleased to find I enjoyed our day out shopping. Back down south, we usually spent most weekends at a city centre of some kind, not always Southampton itself. It was just a thing. It seems that isn’t normal for many families but it was our routine. The Metrocentre is huge and had loads of shops we browsed. I particularly liked a stall selling all things smelling lovely. I bought some wax melts to use in my electric burner. They’ve become something I love. I’ve always liked smelly candles but am always worried about lighting them. Mum sent me a battery operated lighter thing but I’m still nervous about the flame. Wax melts in my electric burner are a great alternative and smell just as good, without the safety risk. The melts I bought smelt like some of my favourite scents: Lush product Snow Fairy and Dove soap. I’ve since tried the soap one and it’s lovely. Harley and I also browsed Primark, with Harley treating themselves to a scarf and cardigan and me some fleecy Garfield pyjamas and a fluffy thing that’s a mix between a dressing gown and a hoodie. It probably has some trendy name or something but I have no clue. The dressing gown hoodie thing was patterned with mushrooms, something Harley chose because mushroom used to be my nickname at secondary school. Thankfully, it never stuck, although strangely Dad still uses it sometimes. We finally got our much needed food when we stopped at KFC. We were pretty greedy, ordering quite a lot for two people, and ended up taking the remainder of our popcorn chicken home in Harley’s rucksack. Back at the flat, Josh and Kieran were having “a lovely afternoon chilling out and watching sport”. As I was a bit lazy, Josh has helped me out by writing his own blog notes, which I’m relying on heavily for this first week. Kieran was very pleased with Newcastle’s match, where “they battered 10 man Fulham 4-1 at the cottage”. Unfortunately, Josh was less impressed with Southampton who, despite taking the lead early in the second half, were beaten 2-1 by Everton, who scored those goals in as many minutes. This was made worse as Josh “went to the kitchen to grab a celebratory Pepsi” and by the time he returned Saints were losing. Due to the excitement, both boys had a nap during half time. Josh claims that’s “cos we’re old lol”.

 

Our mammoth shopping trip meant we didn’t arrive back until 8:30, by which time Kieran had ordered our takeaway tea, which we went halves on as a treat for everyone. Apparently, cheesy chips were a popular option as everyone except Harley, who had chips with Bolognese instead, ordered them. Dad and Michelle shared a donner meat, Josh had a margarita pizza and Kieran had a meat feast pizza; Kieran also bought some mozzarella sticks to share and we were given a garlic bread free with our order. The food was lovely. Dad and Michelle headed back to their hotel around 10. The four of us spent the rest of the night watching Friday Night Dinner.

 

As Dad had requested, on Sunday we went for lunch out at Sambuca’s. On the weekend I’d moved in, Dad had thoroughly enjoyed his chicken kiev, even if he didn’t eat it all because he’d splurged on a cooked breakfast beforehand, and was looking forward to having another. Instead of having my usual tuna and garlic pizza, I decided to try the kiev as well. Michelle and Kieran chose roast dinners, Josh had a chicken Voldostano – I’ve relied on his spelling for this – and Harley had a spaghetti bolognese. As always, it was a lovely meal. After we arrived home, in Josh’s words: “M&M pissed off to the hotel for the rest of the afternoon so we just chilled out”. M&M is the nickname Josh and I came up for Martin and Michelle when they first got together and we couldn’t stand the idea of it. We watched Manchester City batter Manchester United 6-3 while Josh watched “a chaotic Singapore GP which featured crashes a plenty in the wet weather”. Afterwards, We watched Leeds vs Aston Villa, which was “god awful” and ended 0-0. To brighten the mood, we watched more Friday Night Dinner and finally convinced Harley to join Facebook. Kieran and I had been wanting them to join for ages, mainly because when we check in at places out it feels weird tagging everyone else and leaving Harley out. Sometime during the afternoon, Lesley turned up with Gill and jack russel Bailey. She’d bought us a homemade Victoria sponge cake, which we quickly tucked into after they’d left. Around 8:30, Dad and Michelle finally reappeared, Michelle bringing beer and chocolate cake. We decided to play some quiz shows and had a go at The Hit List, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and Jimmy Carr’s I Literally Just Told You. Josh and Michelle particularly enjoyed the last one. Kieran was as always good at The Hit List and when he joined in, so was Dad.

 

Sadly, on Monday morning it was time for Dad, Michelle and Harley to head back down south. It was so great to have them up to visit and although it’s always hard saying goodbye, this time I wouldn’t have long to wait as I was headed down to Southampton the following weekend. After they’d left around 11, during Kieran’s team meeting, Josh and I chilled out in the living room watching Four In A Bed. For some reason, I wasn’t feeling too well. I was putting it down to so much social interaction and the mad shopping trip. During the afternoon, Josh had the genius idea of asking Imi if she was free either Tuesday or Wednesday for us to pop down and visit. We weren’t actually expecting a yes response but she replied saying she was free Tuesday. So Josh started planning and eventually we found trains that suited us both. To begin with, I wasn’t too enthusiastic. Of course, I loved the idea of seeing Imi but I’m not very good with impromptu plans. I think I cheered up quite quickly after everything was arranged and started looking forward to travels with Josh and seeing Imi. The only sadness was that Kieran couldn’t come with us. He had meetings he had to be in and it was too last minute for him to take a random day off. After Kieran finished work, he cooked our tea, “some rather delicious burgers” with chips. Again, we spent the evening watching more Friday Night Dinner.

 

In preparation for our long day, we were up bright and early Tuesday morning so we didn’t have to rush too much to get ourselves ready. Josh and I caught the 8:48 bus into Heymarket bus station in Newcastle. We then hopped on the metro to take us to central station. Josh says this is “cos we’re lazy bastards” but it just made sense rather than walking. After we’d got off the metro and navigated up to the main level of the station, I asked Josh if we could head to Costa and Greggs so I could grab some refreshments. I got a bacon roll from Greggs and a caramel shortbread and caramel hazelnut white hot chocolate from Costa, earning myself some nice Costa beans points in the process. Special assistance staff helped us onto our 10:35 train to York and I ate my food. The bacon roll from Greggs was stone cold so I didn’t bother but the Costa stuff was great as always. We arrived into York “bang on time” at 11:34 where a member of special assistance staff guided us to the taxi rank. We got into a taxi straight away and headed for Imi’s student accommodation. As we pulled into the car park, she and gorgeous Sam were there waiting for us. We had the biggest hug. It was so great to see them again. Sadly, our day wasn’t the happy reunion we’d planned. Just after we’d settled in, Imi had some rather crushing news about the support she receives. I’m just glad we were there to support her and, although it wasn’t the day we’d imagined, it’s always great to see her. I got some lovely cuddles from Sam and Lucy the cat and we were able to lend shoulders and ears of support when she needed us most. Regrettably, we did have to leave that evening. Josh had a bit of a panic when it came to booking a taxi back to the train station. At first, we didn’t think we were going to get one. He tried all the companies we could think of, even the random ones found on a Google search that Imi had never heard of. Eventually, Uber was our saviour. We boarded the 17:08 service to Newcastle. We arrived about 15 minutes late “after sitting on the King Edward bridge waiting for a platform for what felt like an eternity”. We were soon on the metro back to Heymarket and although we missed our intended bus, another one arrived 10 minutes later and we headed back to Blyth. We arrived home in time for the Liverpool vs Rangers Champions League match, which ended 2-0 making me very happy. Kieran cooked us cod, new potatoes and peas, which was, to use one of Josh’s favourite expressions, lush.

 

Wednesday was another chilled out day which Josh and I spent in the living room while Kieran worked. That evening, I made wraps with curly fries and onion rings for dinner.

 

Kieran had booked Thursday off work so we all got a bit of a lie in. We spent most of the day watching Friday Night Dinner. As an early birthday treat for Josh, we ordered Dominoes in the afternoon. Josh had a stuffed crust margarita pizza, Kieran had a meat feast pizza and I had a Hawaiian with added mushrooms. We shared dough balls, garlic bread, chicken strips, potato wedges and cookies. Safe to say we were all rather stuffed afterwards. We also got a bottle of coke in our meal deal but we just put that in the fridge. Later, Lesley and John picked us up and took us to The Stand Comedy Club in Newcastle to see Maisie Adam perform her Buzzed tour live. Josh “wimped out” of sitting in the front row so chose the second row instead. His thinking was that we were less likely to be targeted by not sitting right at the front. However, we certainly were. Many hilarious comments were made, including Kieran being yet again accused of being something rather unpleasant. Of course, Maisie made it quite clear she was joking.

 

Friday brought an end to Josh’s little holiday with us. It had been a lot of fun having him to stay and nice for us all to get so much time together. Parts of it almost felt like old times at college, especially when Josh was sprawled out on the floor. We had several seating options but he was much happier, through choice I must stress, laying down there. By the time we were up, the second half of my family were already well on there way, already in Rotherham. Lesley took me to my doctors appointment and we popped into Morrisons on our way back. Just as we were pulling up outside the flat, another car drew up. Mum, Harley and simon had arrived. I can’t tell you how good it was to see Mum again. After her big operation, cancer diagnosis and then thankfully all clear earlier this year, it was especially hard to leave Southampton when I did, only 6 weeks after her surgery. But Mum is the strongest person I know and soldiered on. While they unloaded the car of stuff they’d bought for us, Josh told me he’d successfully booked tickets for the three of us to see Russell Howard’s new tour next June at the BIC (Bournemouth International Centre). We’d looked at the tour dates the previous night and agreed that if the ticket prices weren’t extortionate, we’d definitely go again. I voted to go down south for it, especially when we saw the date for the show was a few days after my birthday. Once Mum and Simon were ready, the four of us headed out for the Metrocentre. I said a big goodbye to Josh, who was pretty sad because he wasn’t sure when we’d see each other next. Little did he know I was going to his birthday meal the following Monday.

 

Again, the Metrocentre was great fun. We browsed quite a few shops, finding a football memorabilia shop called The Back Page which was pretty cool. We also had KFC again, which was very nice; we were a little more sensible with how much we ordered this time. As Mum gets tired quickly these days – a lasting effect of her operation – we didn’t stay nearly as long as last time. That evening, Mum, Harley, Simon, Kieran and I went to the Wetherspoons in Blyth where, a little later, Lesley joined us and showed us the way to the nearby restaurant La Casa where John and Kieran’s auntie Gill were waiting. Everyone enjoyed their food, I think, and we had a nice evening out.

 

On Saturday, John came and picked Kieran up so they could go to watch the Newcastle vs Brentford match, which made them very happy when it ended 5-1. Not long later, Mum and Simon arrived and we headed to Cramlington to do some more shopping and have some lunch. We went to B&m, Dunelm, Pets At Home and another Wetherspoons. Once we were finished, Mum and Simon dropped Harley and I back at the flat and went back to their hotel so that we could all get ready for the Shine Night Walk, a 10k walk raising money for Cancer Research UK. The walk itself was excellent. Before we started, Mum kitted us out with glow sticks in the form of bracelets, headband ears, glasses, necklaces and loops around our ankles; Harley attached one to the elastic on my cane. When you sign up, you’re given a glow in the dark t-shirt and a piece of paper to write who you’re walking for on and pin onto the t-shirt. Of course, the main person I was walking for was Mum. But I also walked for Imi’s lovely dad, Mike, who died from a rare kind of cancer earlier this year. Also, I walked for Mrs Matthews, a lovely lady who supported me in class at secondary school, who sadly passed away in 2019. Mrs Matthews was one of those incredible people who always seemed to brighten up your day. Although I only really knew her as a member of staff, I know outside school she was a lovely person too. She always used to sing or hum along to her favourite songs during art class, which was the main lesson she supported me in. She always wore lovely perfumes, too, and there was one I liked best so she always made sure she wore it on days she worked with me. She just had such an amazing spirit and it was cruel how cancer took her too, when she was only 56, leaving behind a son and two granddaughters she adored. I recently got in touch with her mum via Facebook and it was lovely to talk to her about Mrs Matthews and be able to pass on my condolences properly, even if it is nearly 3 years later. I think of her a lot, especially on sunny days when I know she’d be cheery or on down days when I know she’d know the right thing to say. I think of her whenever I see anything with butterflies on it because they were her favourite. I did this walk in the hope that one day good people like Mum won’t have to suffer and people like Mike and Mrs Matthews won’t be so cruelly taken from their families. I walked with sometimes Mum and sometimes Harley guiding me. The only time we stopped was quite near the end when I needed the toilet and Simon nipped into a shop to grab a drink. Harley took photos of all the landmarks we passed as well as each kilometre milestone marker. There were lots of lovely wardens encouraging and praising you along the way. Walking back over the bridge and across the finish line was a pretty great feeling. It was an achievement for us all but especially for Mum. We completed the walk in two and a half hours.

 

I’d expected to feel really tired and ache all over so when I woke up feeling pretty much fine on Sunday morning I was quite surprised. Mum and Simon arrived around 11 and around midday we headed for lunch at Sambuca’s. Like Dad had, Mum and Simon enjoyed our visit there in March very much and had been adamant that we go again. This time, I decided to try something different again. After Simon recommended it as being lovely from last time, I went for the belly pork roast dinner with potato skins to start. Kieran, Mum and Simon all had roast dinners as well and Harley went for pizza with Bolognese on. Simon had soup to start and Mum and Kieran went for potato skins. I enjoyed my starter but disappointingly wasn’t that keen on the roast. However, dessert made up for it. The toffee cheesecake was amazing! Although, my teeth did feel like they would rot afterwards. After we arrived back at the flat, Lesley popped in to say goodbye to everyone and we left around 3. As it was Rebecca’s birthday, Kieran celebrated with a Chinese takeaway with her that evening.

 

On our way down, I listened to music on my I’pod and then the Arsenal vs Liverpool match which ended 3-2. We stopped at Watford Gap services at about 6:40 and arrived at Mum’s at 9:30. It always feels odd going back to Southampton. There’s so many parts that still feel like home but really it’s not home at all any more. Either way, it was great to be back and staffy Suggs seemed quite excited to see me.

 

I got up early on Monday morning and lovely My Guide volunteer Jenny arrived so we could go out for a catch up walk. Since we’ve stopped working together and I moved away, Jenny and I have kept in touch by sending regular emails about what’s happening in our lives. We tried to walk our old route from Mum’s along the shore and into Woolston to Piggies café where we used to stop for a drink and sometimes a snack for me. But there were road works going on along the shore and part of the path was closed so Jenny took us a different way. We still made it to Piggies where I had my old favourite of a salted caramel milkshake and Jenny her signature small Americano with hot milk on the side; I added a bowl of chips which we shared while we chatted. We got the bus home because I was feeling a bit lazy. It was really lovely to see Jenny and I hope we can meet up again during future visits. That evening, Harley and I caught the bus into town where we met up with Nan and Grandad before catching another bus into Portswood. It was great to see Nan and Grandad again. In Portswood, we met up with Dad, Josh and Michelle and went for a meal at Trago Lounge to celebrate Josh’s birthday. Michelle had bought a chocolate cake which we all enjoyed.

 

While Harley was at college on Tuesday afternoon, Mum and I went into Woolston to get some essentials from Lidl and then decided to get some chips to share for our lunch. We got them from my old favourite fish and chips shop, Tasty Place, and discovered it has new owners as the old ones sold up after 25 years running it. Thankfully, the food was just as nice. We sat in the sunshine at the feathers, a sort of memorial garden opposite the main shopping street of Woolston. There’s bricks that people have had names engraved into making up the floor. Grandad’s family had a Lillywhite one laid and we always stop to find it any time we go there. Back at home, we watched Love Actually together. We decided to have a movie afternoon and Mum chose Love Actually because I won’t be there to watch it with her for our usual Christmas Eve tradition. I will never get bored of Love Actually. I just love the storylines and all the characters. That evening, Mum cooked the lasagne, sliced potatoes with bacon and garlic bread we’d bought from Lidl earlier. This used to be one of my favourite meals living down there. It didn’t disappoint. Harley and I watched Friday Night Dinner while we ate.

 

The next day, Uncle Dave picked me up and took me back to his house to spend the day with Auntie Clare and new puppy Teddy. Teddy is about 15 weeks old and a cross between a shih tzu and a poodle. He is a crazy, cute, energetic bundle of fur and I enjoyed having lots of cuddles throughout the day. It was lovely spending time with Auntie Clare too. Her arthritis has gotten really bad now, to the point where she only walks when she has to because it hurts so bad. The consultants have said she’ll be having a double hip replacement in the next few months. She’s relieved more than anything. Harley arrived a little after 3 and stayed for a little while. Auntie Clare drove us to Nan’s for tea and Grandad showed me their new front door with its old-fashioned knocker, decking with rails and steps, patio and garage doors. Nan cooked my favourites for dinner: mince stew and dumplings with apple crumble for pudding. It was a staple of my childhood when we went for dinner at Nan’s. Later on, I listened to Rangers vs Liverpool which was a great match where Liverpool won 7-1. Meanwhile, Mum sat on the other sofa playing games on her phone, including Talking Tom and a Disney quiz game; both had funny sound effects.

 

During the morning on Thursday Harley did their volunteering for Communicare. They are a volunteer for the Hello Southampton project where they phone clients for 10-minute chats to make sure they’re getting on ok. They have to write notes about their conversations and report any concerns. They seem to enjoy it a lot. Once they were finished, the three of us headed into town for lunch and some shopping. I treated them to Pizza Hut where Harley had the buffet, some chicken bites and a salad bowl, Mum had the chicken delight flatbread and a salad bowl and I had a Hawaiian stuffed crust pizza with added mushrooms and a salad bowl; we all had unlimited refill drinks. As always, the food was lovely. I ate so much that for the first time in ages I decided not to have a cookie dough pudding. That’s pretty much unheard of for me. Once we all felt ready, we headed for the shops so I could start early Christmas shopping. I figured if I did most of the shopping for the people in Southampton while I was visiting, I wouldn’t have to post it down to them. Once we were home, it took quite a while to sort the shopping out. I like to give each person a separate bag so I can check what I’ve got for them easier. Later, Mum and I watched some of the National Television Awards.

 

Unfortunately, Friday didn’t turn out to be quite the day we’d imagined. In the morning, Harley went out with their friend and Mum to a hospital appointment. We thought it was for tests relating to her iron deficiency. Meanwhile, I stayed at home and did some hoovering and cleaning for Mum to try and help her out a bit. Harley came home first and we both started to wonder if everything was going ok with Mum’s appointment. It was scheduled for 11 and she’d been gone for quite a while now. We put it down to delays with appointments at the hospital, which seems to be happening a lot nowadays with the extreme pressure the NHS are under. However, when Mum arrived back and Simon was with her, I started to get a bad feeling. They came into the front room and Mum just told us. Her cancer is back. She had a biopsy done a couple of weeks ago because something had shown up on her scan. She hadn’t told us because they were hoping it wasn’t anything serious. But she has a tumour in her groin. We think they’ve caught it early. But she will still need to have an operation and chemotherapy. That was the one she was hoping to avoid. Somehow, she’d coped so well with having the operation but had always dreaded the possibility of needing chemo. We don’t know in what order things are going to happen. Mum said they are moving things as fast as they can. The next step is a PET scan to check that is the only recurrence of cancer or only point of concern. Then they’ll decide on a treatment plan. I felt like the world was collapsing. When someone you love so much gets cancer, the fear is always of the worst outcome. But after Mum had the operation and eventually got the all clear, we hoped that was it. It had already been scary enough. But the idea that it might come back is a nagging thought at the back of your mind. For some reason, I’d felt something wasn’t right. I’d been texting Imi about it on Wednesday night and of course we put it down to the usual paranoia about cancer returning. Now it wasn’t just paranoia any more, it was actually happening. The worst part for me, except from my mind imagining the most horrible scenarios, was knowing I wasn’t going to be able to be there for Mum during whatever treatment she has. Last time, I was there before, whilst and after the operation. I think I helped in some way at least. But whatever physical help I did offer last time is completely out of the question now. It was a weird feeling, after all the tears had stopped, because I knew the following Monday I’d return to Blyth, Kieran and our life there, leaving all of this behind but knowing what’s to come for Mum. I want to be there to support Mum with Harley, so that Harley feels they’ve got someone there for them too. Having a parent who has cancer is so difficult to get your head around. It really does make your whole world unstable. I didn’t want to go home and for everything to go back to normal when everything has changed again for Mum. But I knew that’s what would happen.

 

I spent the rest of the afternoon led on my bed with my mind spinning while Harley was doing the same next-door and Mum was phoning the important people to tell them what was happening. It was like an out-of-body experience listening to her calmly telling people the news, listening to her talk so positively about how “it is what it is” and we just have “to take it day by day”. I felt like we should be saying those things to her, reassuring her, not the other way around. She wasn’t crying and falling apart. It makes you feel selfish and guilty for feeling that way yourself. After a few hours, we went back to trying to have a normal evening. Mum and Simon drove to our old favourite kebab van and bought us all mixed kebabs and chips to share. It’s one of the only things southern takeaways do better than up north … serving fries rather than chunky chips with kebabs. The food was lovely and we watched the rest of the NTAs and an old episode of Gogglebox.

 

By Saturday morning, everything had pretty much gone back to normal again, except it felt like there was a shadow hanging over everything. Dad picked Harley and I up at 10:45 and we went with him, Michelle and Josh into town for yet more Christmas shopping. Josh and I met up with two of our old teaching assistants who supported us in class in secondary school. It was very nice to catch up with them over a Costa. After all of the shopping was done, we went back to Dad and Michelle’s new flat because I hadn’t seen it yet. A little later, Dad drove us all to a fish and chips shop where I bought dinner for us all plus Nan, Grandad and Auntie Clare. We joined them, and Uncle Dave who was heading out for a snooker match with a friend, at Auntie Clare’s and enjoyed a very nice evening eating, chatting and fussing over fluffy Teddy. As always, it was weird saying goodbye to Nan, Grandad, Auntie Clare and Josh at the end of the night. I’ll see them all again just after Christmas, which is much sooner than the gap between my birthday and seeing them this time. But I don’t like saying goodbye at the best of times and things still felt a bit raw after Mum’s news the day before. Back at Mum’s, Harley and I listened to music while unpacking the shopping until Mum and Simon arrived home from their evening out seeing a local band perform.

 

On Sunday, Mum cooked us all, plus Simon’s daughter who was round for the day, a lovely roast chicken with roast potatoes, mash potato, cauliflower cheese, cabbage, carrots, peas and Yorkshire puddings. We had a lovely millionaire’s cheesecake for pudding. During the meal, I listened to Liverpool vs Manchester City (1-0). Later, Mum and I watched Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and Emma Willis: Delivering Babies.

 

Monday meant my last day down south again for a little while. In the morning, Harley went to college while Mum and I popped to town. Once we’d dropped our shopping off, we walked to meet Harley at the Mayfield Nurseries Sunflower Café. They’d gone there with their friend on Friday and wanted Mum and I to see what it’s like. It is very nice. Quite a chilled out atmosphere with tables inside the café and some outside under a shelter. There’s flowers, plants and fresh fruit & veg you can buy and lots of homemade food and drinks at the café. It all raises funds for a local mental health charity and all the staff at the café are volunteers. It was a lovely way to spend our afternoon, especially as the weather was nice. When we got back to Mum’s, Harley went upstairs and did some college work while Mum and I watched Master Chef Australia, The Voice, First Dates Hotel and Pointless. But then it was time for me to check I’d packed everything and bring my bag down to wait for Dad to pick me up for the airport run. Traffic was bad and he was quite late. It was a bit of a rushed goodbye to Mum and Harley, who had decided to stay behind and be with Mum. I gave them big hugs. But then I was in the car and we were rushing away so that we could get McDonald’s before I needed to be at the airport. We only just squeezed it in. We had to eat in the car and Dad started driving to the airport before I’d finished. It’s not the kind of ending I like to have. Saying goodbye to Dad at the airport was sad too. I FaceTime Mum and Harley most days up here but only speak to Dad on the phone every now and then. We message every day but it’s not quite the same. I’ve had a great couple of weeks seeing everyone. It was great to have them all come up and visit. It was strange doing the reverse journey down to Southampton in a car. The only time I’ve driven that trip was on moving day up here. I loved being able to spend so much time with everyone, with the added bonus of the spur of the moment meet-up with Imi and catch up with Jenny. Of course, Mum’s cancer recurrence does put a big cloud over the whole thing and the worry is constantly with me. She had her PET scan yesterday so now we have to wait for the results. I’m hoping with everything I have that the tumour they’ve found is the only evidence of cancer. I don’t want her to have to go through this at all but as it’s already happening please can it be as low-risk as possible. I need her. As I knew I would, I’ve fallen back into my life up here and our routines straight away. It is great to be home, back living independently with Kieran. We have a really lovely home here and I don’t ever take it for granted. Right now, though, I only wish it wasn’t so far away from Southampton, from Mum and Harley and all the appointments, treatment, tears and difficulty that’s to come. As many have said, though, I’m thankful to have all the modern technology that means I’m only a message or call away from knowing how they are. In a weird kind of way, I am glad I was there the day Mum got her news. I think, on a selfish level for me at least, it would have been a lot harder hearing it over the phone. I will be there whenever and however much I can for them all and will give them as much support as I’m able from 300 miles away. It was one of the best fortnight’s I’ve had in a long time, just containing one of the worst days I’ve had. The comedy gig with the boys, visiting Imi with Josh, all the meals out with everyone, watching Love Actually with Mum, a chilled evening with Harley and meeting up with Jenny are all highlights. I’m going to hold onto those.

 

Mum, Dad, Michelle, Simon, Harley and Josh, thank you for coming to visit us. It was great to see you again and I love my southern life connecting with my northern one.

Kieran, thanks for having all our crazy family descending on the place. I think we managed to be quite good hosts. Well, they’ve all said they’d come back, at least.

Lesley and John, for the ferrying to and from places, for Lesley’s super cleaning skills, and for just being great. You reassure my parents that I’m well looked after (their words) so I guess that’s the biggest thank you of all.

Mum, you’re the strongest person I know. I wish this wasn’t happening to you, again. For some reason, bad things always seem to happen to good people, and you’re the best. Just like last time, you’ll get through this. We are all here for you. I wish more than anything that I could be down there for you but I’m always at the other end of the phone and will be down in a heartbeat if anything happens. Which it won’t because, as Lesley so perfectly said, you can kick it’s ass again.

 

PS: thanks to Josh for the awesome notes on the first week of the reunion. I was enjoying myself too much to write things down. We had many other blog titles thought up for this one – although I forgot all of them of course – but the one I chose is a muddle of two. “Harley up” comes from when they were in the loo and I really needed to go. As not everyone knows about their chosen name, we’d been having to alternate between Harley and Tamsin all weekend. In my attempt to say “hurry up” it came out as “Harley up”. The irony being that nobody noticed when we were calling them Harley anyway. The second part comes from the Maisie Adam gig and a joke about doing online comedy gigs during lockdown.

“The pink polo shirt man and the never-ending stairs” our Sunderland experience of Ed Sheeran

Continuing from where I finished in my last post… On Thursday 2 June, after a great week visiting everyone in Southampton for the first time since I moved away in March, Mum and Simon had dropped Kieran, Harley and I off at the train station, after a cheeky McDonald’s breakfast, and we’d met up with Josh ready for our long trip up North. We caught the 10:13 southern service to London Victoria, where we managed to get a table so we could all sit together during the journey. Before I go any further, I just want to point out that some of this post is written by my good pal Josh and the fact that I’m writing this post at all is thanks to his excellent blog notes he’s written for me, even if they were 3 pages long… In the end, I never noted anything down over the Ed weekend like I usually do when we’re together; there wasn’t any particular reason for this, just that I didn’t get round to it. But Josh very kindly wrote some notes for me from what he can remember from the weekend, supplemented by Kieran and Harley’s memories too. Obviously, my memory can’t be relied on for accuracy so I haven’t even tried. So, if there’s a lot of official train-related jargon in here it’s thanks to Josh.

We had our first change in the journey at East Croydon onto the 12:31 Thameslink service to Cambridge. At 1 o’clock, we arrived at ST Pancras, right on time, and the lovely assistance staff, who were dressed up in union flags and crowns for the Jubilee, guided us to Greggs, where we’d previously agreed to grab lunch because it was the most convenient option and everyone loves a Greggs. While we were walking, the assistance lady was convinced she’d met Kieran before, helping him a week earlier. Even though we explained several times that was actually impossible as he’d been in Southampton with me and nowhere near a train, she was still certain. Seems Kieran has a twin we never knew about roaming the London railway confusing poor assistance staff.

When we reached Greggs, we were all surprised how quiet it was. Due to the Jubilee and bank holiday weekend, Josh had warned us countless times how he predicted the trains and stations to be absolutely rammed and that as well as struggling to get around, we might not find seats on the train. So far, his theory was surprisingly untrue. Josh guided Kieran and Harley took me; Josh bought a 4 pack of sausage rolls and a 4 pack of jam doughnuts; Kieran bought 2 steak bakes; Harley bought a baguette and I got a sausage roll and a pack of 4 caramel shortbreads. Once we’d bought our lunch, we headed across the road to King’s Cross, passing a percussionist and an opera singer performing to celebrate the Jubilee. Then, we split up at Platform 9&¾ where Kieran and Josh joined the long queue for the platform, trolley and sign while Harley and I went into the busy merchandise shop; the plan being that Josh expected to be stood in the queue quite a while so would save time standing in line while we browsed the shop. Surprisingly, Harley and I only spent £25 between us. They chose 2 key rings, a pen and a pencil and I got a pencil, bus pass cover and fridge magnet. As we were wandering around the shop, which was quite crowded, Josh phoned to ask how long we were going to be as they’d already got near the front of the queue. Harley and I tried to hurry as we didn’t want them to lose their place and have to start right from the back again. As we emerged from the shop, quite pleased with ourselves for only spending a small amount, a member of staff came over to us and hurried us to the front of the line and in before the other people who were waiting. It was clearly a disabled perk or “speedy borders” as Kieran’s sister Rebecca would call it and I did feel a bit bad for the people who’d been patiently waiting their turn. Harley and I posed with the prop scarves and wands they gave us and Josh took photos of us holding onto the trolley handle and pointing our wands up to the platform sign.

Afterwards, we found a bench to sit on and ate our Greggs lunch. Harley managed to splatter themselves with their fizzy drink so I held mine away from me when opening it, but it was totally normal. Harley helped Josh find the assistance desk and the assistance staff guided us onto the 14:48 Lumo service to Edinburgh Waverley. As Harley and I settled into our seats, getting comfy in preparation for the 3 hour journey, some rather irritated passengers informed us we were in their seats. We explained that they must be mistaken because assistance staff had sat us in these seats. However, when they told us which seats we were in, it turned out they were right; the assistance staff had sat us in the wrong place. Thankfully, they decided to just sit in our seats in the row ahead. Josh and Kieran were sat a few rows behind so we couldn’t chat. But by Darlington we’d all got bored and all started texting each other funny messages, laughing out loud when we heard each other’s text tones going off.

We arrived into Morpeth right on schedule and Rebecca was there to collect us as arranged. She drove us back to our flat and not long after we’d got in, Imi text to say they were on their way. Her carer, Lauren, was doing the driving for her and assistance dog Sam. We were all very excited to see them. It had been 2 and a half years since Josh and I last saw her, 4 years for Kieran and 7 for Harley so a reunion really was overdue. When she arrived, there were big hugs all round, including Sam. When we’d been arranging the weekend, I’d assumed that Coco, my lovely cat who’s now getting on in age a bit, would be ok with Sam’s presence in the flat for a few days. However, it was soon clear this wasn’t the case. She hid under the coffee table in the corner of the living room and hissed menacingly at Sam, who just wanted to make friends. As Imi has Lucy the cat, Sam is very good around cats and everything would have been fine if Coco wasn’t such a grumpy cow. Sadly, her experience with dogs hasn’t been particularly pleasant. When we first brought her home, we had Tolly, the lovely little fluffy dog who Coco became friends with instantly. They used to share a bed and happily cuddle up together. After she died in 2012, Coco had a break but was then hassled by Marley, who bounded into everyone’s lives in 2015. Marley was a handful and terrible with cats. Sadly, he wasn’t with us long and from mid 2016 to early 2017, Coco was given another break. My Zena came next. Thankfully, she was pretty chilled out around cats but Coco had lost trust in dogs in general by that point and actively ignored her. Again, Zena wasn’t with us very long either. After that, I think Coco thought we wouldn’t subject her to any more canine residents. Unfortunately, she didn’t bet on Suggs, who came crashing into the household in October 2021. Suggs was worse than Marley and actively terrorised Coco. Before Suggs arrived, my plan was to leave Coco with Mum when I moved. She’d lived in that house her whole life and was happily settled there. Harley gave her a lot of attention so I didn’t think she’d miss me that much, even though she was primarily my cat. But then Suggs made her life pretty miserable and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her behind with him there. Thankfully, she’s settled pretty well in the flat and despite always being an outdoor cat before, doesn’t seem bothered that she can’t go outside now. However, despite Sam’s best efforts to make friends, Coco’s hostility remained for Imi’s entire stay, escalating to growling both at Sam and Imi herself. I’d never heard a cat growl like that before and hope I don’t again. I hoped that as Sam was in the flat a couple of days, Coco would soon realise she wasn’t a threat. But it wasn’t to be. As I said to Imi, I think if they’d stayed longer or visited regularly, Coco would relax with time.

Once all the greetings were exchanged, Imi and Kieran decided they wanted to give me the belated birthday presents they had for me. As we’d been down in Southampton for my birthday, I hadnt seen any point in Kieran taking his presents down with him or Imi posting hers just for us to bring them back up again. It was something extra to look forward to as well. Kieran was very naughty and bought me the Colorino colour detector from the RNIB, which is very expensive but very good at differentiating colours. I’d had one whilst at college and it’d helped me massively when sorting my washing into lights and darks. It had broken a few years ago and I couldn’t justify the price of buying a replacement so had bought a cheaper less reliable version that hadnt been doing a very good job since I moved up here and needed to sort laundry regularly. Safe to say, now I’ve used it several times, the Colorino is still much more accurate. Kieran also bought me a soup maker as I’d said several times how I’d like to be able to make soups and smoothies. I’m yet to try that as some of the controls aren’t physical buttons. Kieran also had a gift bag of presents from his parents, containing a pair of slippers — because I’d desperately needed a pair to leave at theirs for when we visit instead of trying to remember to take some with me — and some lovely bath products, as while our shower had been broken I’d discovered how much I do like a bath, even if I’m not really supposed to have one due to my epilepsy. Kieran asked Lesley to get me some for when I have my sneaky illegal baths every now and then. Imi’s presents were lovely too. She added to my collection of fidget toys with a wiggly slug called Howard, who Harley had lots of fun fiddling with for the rest of the weekend; some lovely wax melts to go in my electric wax burner as I’ve become a bit obsessed with it; and a very fluffy Build A Bear niffler. Recently, Build A Bear have released cuddly toys from the Fantastic Beasts movies and the best one has to be the niffler. Now named Edward by Imi, my big fluffy niffler sits by my pillow on our bed, holding onto both his golden galleon coins, with mini niffler Teddy, who was my birthday gift from Harley, sat beside him. After I’d finished admiring my lovely presents and thanked them both lots for buying such thoughtful things, we all agreed we were quite hungry so decided to order food; Dominoes was chosen. Josh and Imi were “basic bitches” – his words, not mine – and had margarita each; I had a Hawaiian; Harley had a create your own with chicken, meatballs and garlic spread; Kieran had a meat feast. We took advantage of the Jubilee deal Dominoes had on, which gave you 2 medium pizzas, 2 sides and a portion of cookies for less than £25, so all we had to order extra was a 5th pizza. We agreed on potato wedges, 2 portions of cheesy garlic dough balls and garlic dippers. The food was as always lovely, although I thought my pizza base had lost some of its sauce along the way. In the end, we were up talking until 2am, eating leftover sides and cookies as we chatted.

The following morning, we got up around 10. In preparation for the concert that night, we listened to Masie Peters – one of the acts supporting Ed Sheeran on tour – 2021 debut album You Signed Up For This. I’d only heard it once before and had vague recollections of thinking it was good. Some of the songs were quite catchy and I was hopeful I’d enjoy her live. We agreed on McDonald’s for lunch/dinner that day. We were eating before the concert because it would be far too late afterwards and we didn’t want to be hungry during. Josh had a cheese burger and chips and was disappointed they didn’t have milkshakes on the delivery menu; Imi had a fillet of fish and chips; Harley had a cheese burger, 9 nuggets and chips; Kieran had a double cheese burger with added bacon and chips; I had a cheese burger, 6 nuggets and chips; we got a sharing box of the new cheesy garlic dippers between us. The food was very nice, especially as the app gave you the option to customise your burger, like you can at the self-service machines when you eat in, which pleased Harley and I very much because we’re always quite fussy with ours.

As arranged, Lauren, Rebecca and her boyfriend Dave arrived around 4pm and we were on our way to Sunderland by 4:15, Josh and Kieran in Rebecca’s car and Harley and I with Imi. Rebecca and Lauren parked in different car parks so they arrived at the Stadium of Light around 5:30 and us 15 minutes later. When we met up with them, we encountered the rudest steward I’ve ever met. We requested assistance to help us get to our seats, which we’re more than entitled to, and were at first told he had no staff available to help us. There was plenty of staff around. He then tried to tell us that in order to have someone guide us to our seats we should have booked a carer’s ticket so someone could take us. This, again, is untrue. Eventually, after many heated debates, with Rebecca being our quite forceful disabled advocate backed up by Lauren, the man eventually allowed Rebecca to take us all in. Lauren left with Sam because Imi was worried she’d get crushed as the stadium started to fill with people. The fact that he let Rebecca take us to our seats was almost as ridiculous as him suggesting that as disabled people we had to have a paid carer’s ticket in order to attend the show. Nobody came to check whether Rebecca had left the stadium after helping us so she could have quite easily stayed for free. Because of his arrogance and ignorance, we weren’t actually safely sat in our seats until after Dylan, the first support act, had started her set. Personally, I didn’t really enjoy either Dylan or Maisie Peters. As I’d quite liked her album earlier, I’d been hopeful I’d enjoy Maisie live. I don’t know if it’s just how she sounds live, the sound equipment she used or the fact that the stadium was still pretty empty while she was performing, but I just didn’t think she sounded good. Thankfully, the boys enjoyed both support acts. Of course, the main act lived up to and massively exceeded expectations. Josh, Kieran and I had been worried beforehand that because he’d been so great at St James’s when we saw him live 4 years ago, we could be disappointed if this time wasn’t as great. But I’d go as far as to say it was better!. At the start, we all said the songs we’d most love to hear him play and somehow we all got at least one of our choices. The whole set list was just incredible and I think we did a pretty good job of making Harley’s first ever concert a great one. We were all singing along at the tops of our voices and Harley got plenty of photos and videos so we have physical evidence to support our memories. The cost of the tickets was yet again well worth it.

Of course, we could have sat there all night singing along if he’d played that long, but when Ed’s performance did sadly come to an end, we sat where we were for quite a while, letting the stadium empty out so that hopefully it wouldn’t be quite so crowded as we tried to leave. Once we were with Rebecca, Dave and Lauren, the boys went with them while Harley and I followed Laure, who’d reunited a very relieved Sam with Imi. On our way out, Imi felt quite ill so we stopped for a while. A very interfering drunk woman, who claimed she was a nurse, wouldn’t take our word for it that Imi would be ok in a few minutes and to let Lauren do her job and look after her. She repeatedly asked Lauren if she was medically trained and wouldn’t take Lauren’s assurance that she was. In the end, the three of us had to be quite forceful in telling her to get lost because she was really upsetting Imi. Eventually, she buggered off and once Imi was sure she felt well enough to move, we slowly made our way back to her car.

Once we were all back at the flat, we talked for a little while before heading to bed. Coco had hidden under the coffee table in the living room again but somehow Kieran and Harley managed to herd her into the kitchen while Imi used the bathroom.

On Saturday morning, despite saying we’d get up at 9 and possibly go for a walk on the beach, we dragged ourselves out of bed around 9:30 and were completely exhausted; going for a walk anywhere wasn’t an option. Kieran cooked breakfast of sausage, bacon and hash browns for himself and Imi; Josh decided to eat his jam doughnuts from Thursday’s train journey for his; Harley made pasta with garlic mayo, ham and cheese in for the two of us. It was pretty nice. Far too soon, at around 12:30 Lauren arrived to collect Imi and Sam to drive them home. We all hugged very tight and vowed we wouldn’t let it be so long until we saw each other next time. After Imi left, Josh and Harley took a little wander to the nearby Tesco Express to buy themselves snacks and drinks for their train trip home the following day. Unlike ours on Thursday, they wouldn’t have time to stop and get a meal at the station. Once they were back, we just chilled in the living room for the rest of the afternoon. We put the England vs Hungary football match on but it was rubbish (0-1). Then, we introduced Josh to Naked Attraction with audio description on. I have to add here, as Naked Attraction was also watched in my last post, that we only watch it because the audio description is funny, not because we’re interested in the show. After we’d had a bit of fun watching that, we watched Russell Howard’s Right Here Right Now live show; he always manages to make me laugh loads. When we all decided we were hungry, we chose yet another takeaway option for our tea. Well why not? It was a treat weekend. Anyway, I don’t think Kieran or I are quite up to cooking at the standard that’s required for guests yet. Josh had a jumbo sausage and chips; Kieran had a mixed wrap, chips and Smokey sausage; I had a cheesy chips wrap with curry sauce and a jumbo sausage; Harley had chicken nuggets and chips. Trying a wrap full of cheesy chips and curry sauce was a first for me. When I’d chosen the wrap and it’d asked for choice of sauce, as usual we hadn’t been sure whether that meant the sauce would come in a pot on the side or in the wrap itself. At first, I was a bit dubious on finding the sauce in the wrap whether it’d be nice or not. Turns out it’s lovely and definitely something I’d like to have again. Although, the strangest thing about that takeaway’s menu is that when you order a cheesy chips wrap, you have to have it with either salad or chips; there’s no option to have none. As someone who isn’t a salad fan, I had to pick chips. I think it’s a shame they don’t just have a none option. Obviously, it’s necessary for other wraps that don’t contain chips but was a bit of a waste of food with mine. We then watched the Jubilee Platinum Party, which wasn’t that great.

Since we’d first started talking about me moving to live with Kieran, something Harley was hoping to have if they came to visit was a takeaway pudding. Kieran introduced me to a takeaway pudding place, Buzz Bar, that has now closed down on one of my many stays at Lesley and John’s. It instantly became something I loved. I’ve always been a pudding person and discovering there were places that just delivered puddings was quite a revelation. After Buzz Bar shut down, we tried a different pudding place, Movie Foods, and found it was also lovely. When the Ed tickets were booked and we knew everyone would be staying at the flat with us, I promised Harley we’d get a takeaway pudding one of the nights they were here. So we did. Josh had the Cadbury’s collection cookie dough; Kieran had a lotus biscoff milkshake with extra biscoff, a chocolate fudge cake and a slice of school cake for later; Harley had a reese’s pieces peanut butter milkshake with added kitkat, oreo loaded doughnuts and a kinder cookie dough box with added aero bubbles, Cadbury whispa, oreo crumbs and white chocolate sauce (they saved the doughnuts for later); I had a reese’s pieces peanut milkshake plus extra reese’s, a create your own cookie dough that had Belgian white chocolate, caramel sauce, marshmallows and oreo crumbs on it and a milky bar button cheesecake for the following day. Safe to say after that we were all very full. It was worth it though.

As Harley and Josh needed to be at the station for their train which was scheduled to leave at 12:03, we decided to get up at 8 on Sunday morning. Kieran cooked Harley sausage, hash browns and beans but Josh didn’t want anything. Josh checked on their train just before 11 and found it hadn’t departed yet and then there was a long delay. For quite some time, Josh and Kieran were looking into options to get them home. At one point, we were seriously considering the possibility that they’d have to stay an extra night because all the other available trains were full. Thankfully, their original train eventually departed Edinburgh so Rebecca and David came to take them to the station. In the end, their train departed Morpeth at 14:17 with them stressed but safely onboard. Two hours later than planned, Harley and Josh arrived into Southampton Central, a relief for us all.

Apart from the assistance staff putting Harley and I in the wrong seats on our journey up, the idiotic steward at the stadium being completely out of order, Imi sadly being poorly after the concert and the stressful couple of hours when we weren’t sure whether Harley and Josh were going to be able to get home, we really did have an amazing few days. Getting the 4 of us together doesn’t happen very often and it was made even better by having Harley with us. I miss my tiny sister a lot and every time I see them I’m reminded that they really aren’t little any more, even if they will always be a small person to me. They’re turning into an adult and that is so strange for me. It won’t be long before it’s them in their own car collecting Kieran and I from the airport when we go down to visit. It only seems like yesterday that they were starting school in Nan’s knitted jumpers with the school badge sewn on because even the smallest size school uniform was far too big. Yet they’re about to finish their first year at college and considering finding a summer job. I really don’t know where time goes. But it was so great to take them to their first ever concert. Having a few days with us all together was just so nice and I really hope we keep our promise of not letting it be so long until we do it again.

Big thanks for all your help to Rebecca, Dave and Lauren, especially when that steward was being a proper twat; I think you should go into disabled advocacy, Rebecca, because I don’t think anyone would dare discriminate against anyone after you’d finished with them. Lots of thanks to Josh, who booked the concert tickets and as always took control of the train journeys and made them a success, but especially for making sure Harley got home safe. Thank you, Imi, for being brave and coming to see us. You’ve had the toughest year this year and I’m so glad you felt you were able to come. It wouldn’t have been the same without you and it was so good to spend time with you at last, and of course have lots of cuddles with lovely Sam. But most of all, to all 4 of you for the best weekend I think any of us have had in a long time. I’m so glad we decided to book tickets to Ed and that you 3 could come and stay at the flat with Kieran and I. Come back soon! Although that’s not an invite to come every weekend, Josh…

PS: Imi suggested the blog title this time. When I eventually got around to thinking about writing a post for this weekend, I couldn’t remember a single line we’d said, except “Fucking Ed Sheeran” in memory of Imi’s lovely dad Mike, who sadly passed away far too soon at the beginning of this year. As much as I would have liked to use that, I thought it was going a little too far. As well as the one I’ve chosen, Imi had these suggestions: “4 blind people and a them take on the stadium of shite”, “my bad habits lead to maccies”, “Edding out”, “who the fuck is Dylan”, “Josh who could pass as a butch woman”, “scoffing the Queen’s Dominoes meal deal”, “Sam v Coco and the unresolved conflict”, “shivers me timbers” and “the pyro was so good I could see it”. However, I went for “pink polo shirt man and the never-ending stairs” to represent the crazy drunk man who was sat nearby us during the show. Several times he fell over, perhaps in his excitement for the show. Each time we went to the loo or when we entered and left the show, those stairs really did feel never-ending. My favourite was definitely “4 blind people and a them take on the stadium of shite” but although my only readers are the women in Kieran’s family Kieran himself, Josh and Harley, I didn’t want some random person to stumble across it and complain because they thought I was being ableist, homophobic or swearing. But it definitely was the funniest and pretty much sums up the weekend perfectly.