Tag Archives: determination

Mobility Update: My Guide Session 9

As promised, Jenny arrived at mine yesterday morning at our agreed time of 9:30 so that we could have our 9th My Guide session. although we usually stick to our once weekly session on a Thursday morning, this week that wouldn’t have been possible as I’m flying up to Newcastle to stay with Kieran and family for a fortnight from tonight onwards. kindly, Jenny offered to rearrange what would have otherwise been a missed session into happening two days earlier. that way, I only miss one session while I’m away.

I’m really grateful that Jenny did offer this as we had a great session – at least, we did after I got myself together! I almost left the house without my Trekker Breeze and once I’d quickly grabbed that, I almost walked away down the path without locking up the house… Safe to say those weren’t the brightest five minutes of my day! But once everything was done, we were on our way and things were going well. I remembered a lot of the first part of the route, getting from my house down onto the shore, a lot better than I have in previous weeks. I remembered where to turn, where to cross and mostly which direction I should be walking in. Once walking along the shore path, it becomes simple for quite a stretch: walk straight forward. Literally, that is all you have to do for quite a while. Next time I walk it, I’m going to time the part that is just a straight path. It makes up about 70% of the walk though. After the really long straight stretch, we then had Jenny’s least favourite part of the route: the little bit where on my left hand side there is about a two foot drop… Jenny worries that my cane might not find the edge before my feet do and to be fair it’s not totally impossible, especially with the angles I usually walk towards it. I’m not too fazed; I haven’t fallen off it and broken both my ankles yet. Although if I did slip off the edge, I’m sure that would be the painful result. After we’ve passed that little worrying patch, we’re onto crossing roads and actually getting into the shopping highstreet of Woolston. It doesn’t take a lot but there are a couple of busy crossings where I have to concentrate and be patient a lot. After that, it’s just the straight path of the highstreet and walking until I find the obstacle of Coffee Mac’s outdoor seating. It’s a good landmark, actually, to tell me I’ve reached our destination. On the way to that, though, today I walked into some scaffolding. There’s work being done to one of the shops near Coffee Mac’s so its unavoidable. Jenny had to guide me around it as one of the poles was diagonal and there was no way for my cane to find it before my face. A hazard of being a blind person I suppose. In Coffee Mac’s, because it was just so cold and because I felt things were going really well, I decided to branch out on my usual apple juice and accessorise it with a slice of banana loaf, my favourite type of cake. Plus, its got bananas in it, hasn’t it? Surely that makes it a little healthier! Right there I felt so cold that I didn’t care. I wanted cake so I was having cake. It was a good decision. The banana loaf was super tasty. They put nuts, I think walnut, in their recipe which adds a little extra flavour and texture to the cake. Usually, banana loaf is quite moist and a bit sloppy. The nuts added a bit of crunch and solidity to it. They were definitely a good addition to the banana loaf I’m used to. The slice was pretty generous, too, but I couldn’t help scoffing the lot. It was just so nice! I’m just a sucker for anything sweet.

The return journey went well. Jenny didn’t have to steer me around the scaffolding on the way back because my cane hit an upright pole so I was able to swerve out towards the curb to avoid it. The rest of the walk went well. I felt I mostly remembered turnings/crossings/the general direction well. There’s definitely improvement each week even if it is only gradual. Any is good. Route learning isn’t simple for me. I wish my brain could just remember a route after a couple of tries like some people I know. But it just doesn’t have the capability. A few years ago, I’d have said it was me being stubborn. I hated using my cane. Still do. But now I want to learn routes. I want to be able to get out and about to differing destinations so that I have a valid workload for a dog. Plus, its always better the more places you know to get to independently.

As we walked back towards Jenny’s least favourite part of the route, the ankle breaking drop, she had an idea to alter the route a little to make it safer. Instead of walking towards the drop. I go in a different direction and cross a road. This means I completely avoid the drop part altogether. One more crossing on a route where there are few doesn’t make much difference. The last section of the route went fine; the long straight stretch along the shore and then the few road crossings to my house. Most of the crossings and turnings at this point I remembered well too. When we reached my front gate, Jenny and I agreed to meet in two weeks from this Thursday once I’m home from Newcastle. I’m hopeful that although its in two weeks time, I’ll still remember most of the route quite well. We’ve been learning it a few weeks now so it shouldn’t all be lost on me. As of yet, I haven’t heard a whisper from Guide Dogs about the case review meeting. There’s of course the strong possibility that it hasn’t even happened yet. Hopefully, I’ll have heard something really soon. Things are going so well route learning that I’m hopeful the good news will continue from Guide Dogs too. But who knows? All I know is that I’m off to Newcastle for two weeks and don’t intend to think about routes for a second while I’m away.

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Mobility Update: My Guide Session 8

Since writing only 2 days ago, I’ve had some exciting news! As I said last time, Jenny contacted the leader of Southampton’s My Guide service to inquire whether the route we’re currently doing and the ones I plan to learn in the future would make me eligible for a guide dog. Ever since I very first applied for a guide dog all those years ago in 2011, their response has been that I don’t have enough routes and don’t go out enough independently to make up a workload for a dog. When I was a naive 14 year old, I thought this was ridiculous! I went to school every day, didn’t I? I could walk to the bus-stop and corner shop, too, if I wanted. And I’d even learnt how to get to my Nan and Grandad’s, then living in Woolston themselves, via a bus journey and some walking. Why on earth would they say I didn’t have enough routes or a big enough workload? I’d spent my whole six-week school summer holiday working with a mobility officer from Southampton’s sensory services, aided by a member of the Guide Dogs team. How could they say these things? In comparison, now I can see I was the ridiculous one. Yes, I did try really hard that summer and honestly, at the time, that was massive progress for me, a kid who didn’t leave the house unless I was attached to a parent. But it wasn’t nearly enough. I’m still yet to learn what is, but I’m much better prepared now, much closer to that target than I’ve ever been before. Anyway, the exciting news… so the leader of My Guide replied to Jenny’s request properly yesterday, to both of us. When a text message came through from her, I thought maybe it was just a little checkup on how Jenny and I are getting on. But she doesn’t need to check up. Jenny has given her full details on how we’re doing, my progress and my ambitions. She passed Jenny’s message onto several members of staff at Southampton’s Guide Dogs team, including the GDMI who assessed and crushed my world in October. They’ve agreed to take my case to the case review sometime next week to see if they can take my application for a guide dog forward. I couldn’t have hoped for anything anywhere near this good so soon into my work with the My Guide service. I predicted that perhaps I’d ask the leader of My Guide for some kind of review around my birthday or something. Not get one 8 weeks after I started working with Jenny. The case review meeting will take place sometime next week according to the leader of My Guide’s text. That’s really exciting! There could be plenty of outcomes of the review, but the main two options I think are either they’ll say I’m doing well but not yet far enough for them to be able to reconsider my application for a dog, or, they’ll say yes, I’ve done really well and they can reconsider my application now. If they reconsider my application and plan to move it forward, I’m guessing that means that they’ll consider putting me on the waiting list for a dog. But I could be wrong. Both my guide dog know-alls, Imi and Tiny, have both seemed quite positive about the text messages and the possible outcomes I could get. Imi, in fact, said she hopes I’m being positive now. I am. As soon as the My Guide leader text, i was imagining having a Guide Dog, being put on the list, having the yes answer… but perhaps I’ve got it all wrong. I guess I’ll find out next week.

As for today, Jenny had our 8th My Guide session, doing the new route for the third time, the second time me trying to learn it. I felt, considering everything, that it went really well. I feel like I’m picking it up really well to say its only the second proper time I’ve walked it myself. Jenny and I agreed that she’d have as little input as possible, just let me get on with it and only telling me if I’d gone the wrong way. Mostly I did well. Jenny only had to correct me a couple of times. It took about an hour to get there. As always, we stopped off in Coffee Mac’s for our little break, me having my apple juice and Jenny her coffee. She’s started asking me to see if I can locate a table once we’re in the shop and its quite easy to find the one we always sit at. As long as every time I go in there its free ‘ll be ok… we popped into see Dad quickly afterward. That entails me crossing the road and walking along to Dad’s shop. He was ok and we didn’t stay long.

The return journey went just as well, with Jenny correcting me whenever necessary. It felt longer walking on the way home but according to Jenny’s watch it was actually shorter. I know I felt more tired when I reached my front door than I did on arriving at Coffee Mac’s. it shows just how lucky I am to have been matched with such a good volunteer that Jenny offered to meet me next Tuesday to do our ninth session. I’m flying up to Kieran’s next Wednesday so will be away for our usual Thursday session. I really didn’t expect Jenny to say she could meet me on an alternative day but feel really grateful that she is. Hopefully, we can continue the good run we’re on with learning this route. Also, hopefully next week I’ll have news from Guide Dogs. But whatever the outcome, I’m just going to carry on. Of course, if they do say i haven’t done enough yet and need to carry on learning, I’ll be a bit disappointed that it isn’t a straight away yes answer. But my plan was to learn routes until at least May so if they ask me to carry on I haven’t lost anything. If its a yes answer, I’m so much more lucky than I thought I was. Maybe by the next time I write my next My Guide update, I’ll have the outcome.

Mobility Update My Guide Session 7

Last week’s session was a positive one. After changing the route, I’d been really concerned that as it seemed a lot shorter and less complicated than the one we tried first, Guide Dogs might not be happy with it. However, it is so much simpler so a lot easier to learn. I haven’t got it anywhere near fully remembered yet, but this week was really our first session of learning it so that isn’t a concern. Last week, we just tested out the route, walking the way Jenny guessed would work. But we tried out a few different things, meaning that we hadn’t actually done the full route properly. But on thursday we did. With my Trekker Breeze on and recording, we headed out on the new route.

As I’d thought last week, it is so much simpler than the first route into Woolston we tried. Jenny counted an approximate 25 crossings in total for that route and there’s only got to be 5 or so in this new route. That’s not me saying I want to take the easy way out, because I don’t, but it just seems daft to persevere with a route I was struggling so much with when there’s an easier option that will get me to the same destination with less hassle. Plus, the walk along Weston shore is lovely; it’ll be really beautiful in the sunny summer, if we get one. It is pretty much one straight path all the way to Woolston. I don’t even have to swap to the opposite side of the road or anything like that. But it still takes about an hour each way, which of course is still a fair walking distance and good exercise for me. Yes, the other route was more challenging and gave me more to think about, but the simplicity of this one isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Again, we stopped for our usual break in Coffee Mac’s, feeling quite pleased with how the route was going so far. Because of that optimism, I decided to have a little extra in the shape of a cheese and bacon panini to go with my apple juice. I kind of got fed up of hot chocolate – I’ve never been the biggest fan, only liking it occasionally – and the apple juice is healthier. But I was hungry and things were going well so I felt a snack was deserved. Jenny clearly agreed because she went for a toasted tea cake to go with her coffee. Sadly, I was disappointed with my panini. There was just something about it that tasted funny. I think next time we have a great session I’ll stick to my reward of a slice of cake. Jenny said she enjoyed her tea cake, though, so that was good.

The return journey was good, too. There a couple of tricky patches along the route but there nothing in comparison to the difficulties in the other route to Woolston. I’m certain they’ll be easily ironed out after a few weeks’ practice of this route. Another thing that reassured me that this route is a good choice was by my friend Jemma. She lives in southampton also, actually in the same area as me, and has a gorgeous German SHepherd Guide Dog. It just so happened that as we were walking towards home, they were waiting to catch a bus at the bus-stop nearer to there place that I pass on my way home. We stopped so that I could say hello and I told Jemma that I was in the process of learning the route into Woolston. She asked which way we go and we explained. It turns out that the new route is the route Jemma uses if shes walking into Woolston. This gave me huge reassurance because if she uses that route with her Guide Dog then Guide Dogs can’t object to me sticking with it.

Jenny has passed on my concerns about this route to the leader of My Guide, who replied and said she’d forward these onto the GDMI to find out whether the route would be good enough and also if I’m doing enough. Hopefully, they’ll get back to Jenny soon and we’ll have an answer. I’m hoping it’ll be a positive one after all the hard work I’m putting into learning these routes. Sadly, Dad and I couldn’t go out on our walk last Wednesday to continue learning the route to my sister’s school because the weather was just too bad. To begin with, we’d thought it could be ok, but then the wind really picked up and there was just no point in trying. I’m just really hoping that the weather holds off tomorrow so that we can get out. It’s not an over complicated route, either, but its still going to take me a few tries to learn it so the more times were able to get out there practising it the better. Plus, I’m flying up to visit Kieran and family next Wednesday evening for a fortnight so I’m going to miss at least one My Guide opportunity and definitely two walks with Dad. It isn’t a big deal, really, because I feel like I’m making leaps and bounds in progress but I’m impatient so for me any sessions missed I’ll want to make up for, the more sessions I miss, the longer it’ll take in the long run for me to learn these routes and therefore be accepted fo a dog. Obviously, visiting Kieran is important to. He’s my other half, my fella, and we don’t get that much time together considering the almost 300 miles separating Weston from Blyth. So I’ll take any opportunity i can to see him, even if that does mean sacrificing precious route learning time. Ive waited this long for a Guide Dog, I’m sure a couple extra weeks in the long term shouldn’t make a massive difference. As long as I get there after all this effort, that’s all that really matters. As the new Woolston route and the route to my sister’s school are both going well, I don’t think I’ve got too much to worry about. Plus, next week I have my employment support session and the lady is just going to follow me to the library this time. Then, as long as shes happy that I’m familiar enough with the route, next time I’ll do it by myself and meet her there. The library route isn’t much in comparison to the Woolston route, but doing it completely independently for a purpose is definitely a step in the right direction.

So everything is going smoothly and I’m making progress in all areas of mobility. Plus, people have been contacted to make sure that this time it’ll be a positive response after all my hard work. I couldn’t have hoped for things to be going any better. Hopefully, tomorrow Dad and I will make more progress with the route to my sister’s school and on Thursday Jenny and I will continue the process of learning the new Woolston route. Fingers crossed I have more positivity to report on next time…

Mobility Update: My Guide Session 6

Yesterday’s My Guide session was different to say the least. At first, Jenny and I were a bit dubious about how it would go as the ground was quite frosty and Jenny was worried it’d be too slippery underfoot. Thankfully, it wasn’t and we were able to continue with the session as normal. Except, it wasn’t a normal session. We changed the whole arrangement of things from what we have been doing to something SO MUCH BETTER!

If you’re up-to-date with my My Guide session post – which, if you aren’t, I don’t blame you, I just waffle on and this is more for my entertainment and satisfaction than anything else! – then you’ll know that since Jenny and I started working together we’ve been working on a route from my home into Woolston, the nearest little shopping street. Well the route Jenny picked out, we tested and I agreed on was quite complicated to say the least. Ive never been good at learning routes; I don’t know why, its just not one of my strong points. So this new complex route was definitely a challenge. A month into walking it by myself and we both felt I was making progress considering how much there was to learn and remember. But today Jenny suggested something else, something I wish we’d thought of before I stressed over the complicated route. There’s a much more straightforward and easy route into Woolston. Instead of approximately 25 crossings (Jenny counted), this is one straight road that leads into Woolston. It takes about an hour each way, we’re going to time it next week to get a definite time frame, and is so straightforward I’m hopeful I could have it memorised fairly soon. After last week’s horrible session, this was such a relief. Maybe its me taking the easy way out. But it shouldn’t matter. It’s still a lengthy route, although less complicated, and still leads me to the intended destination. Also, it means I get to walk for longer beside the shore, which will be glorious in summer. Jenny also spotted that there’s a stretch of green that could make a great short free run spot parallel to the route I’m walking.

It worried me a little, though. As its so simple, it takes less time to get to Woolston. Jenny suggested that some of this was probably due to the amount of time I spent judging if roads were safe to cross on the other route; its complexities made it naturally longer. I decided that I’d check the results of my Fitbit, which tracks steps, floors climbed, distance walked and active minutes, that night against previous weeks’ totals for our sessions. The results were quite different. Where usually its at least 14000 steps and well over 4 miles, nearly 6 sometimes, those results showed just over 12000 steps and less than 4 miles. I don’t know if its just because the route is less complicated; it must be because technically I’m still going from the same starting point to the same destination. I’m just concerned this could be a problem. Should I be focusing on the more complicated route because it presents a challenge and is definitely longer? Or is the fact that the other route is easier and more of a convenience, sadly making it shorter, more worthwhile to pursue? I talked this over with Jenny while we sat in Coffee Mac’s again, she with her coffee and me my apple juice. She tried to reassure me that, even if it was a bit shorter, the principle of the route was the walking thing and as I had the outward and return route it still took quite a long time so would provide a lengthy working time for any future guide dog. Looking at my Fitbit results, though, it looks as if the easier route cuts out quite a lot of mileage. I just can’t work out if that’s a bad thing or whether it shouldn’t be a problem. If someone who knows about these things could shed some light for me, I’d be greatly appreciated.

It was a lovely route though, especially as the weather was quite nice. On the return journey it did get a bit windy but mostly it was nice. Before we headed home, Jenny and i popped across the road to say hello to Dad in his carpet shop. I’d told Jenny all about the progress Dad and I had been making with our Wednesday walks and she seemed pleased. While we’d been sat in the coffee shop, she had written down a list of all my known and potential routes. It’s becoming quite a list. For known routes we currently have:

Short routes:

1. Walk to local bus-stop, barely 3 minutes;

2. 2. Walk to nearby Co-op, about 10 minutes each way.

3. 3. Bus route to Woolston. Although of course this doesn’t involve much walking, only onto the bus from home (shown above) and off the other end to wherever I want to go e.g. coffee shop, Co-op or see Dad, I consider it as a route as before now I wouldn’t be considering things like that.

4. 4. Bus route into town centre/shops: again, dozens involve much walking but opens up lots of opportunities e.g. meeting a friend, going to a coffee shop, getting myself lunch;

5. 5. Route from home to library = about 25 minutes each way, I’ll time it properly when I do it next week;

6. 6. Home to Mayfield Park = about 25-ish minutes each way with a free run in the middle;

7. 7. Route from home to the gym/leisure centre = about 30 minutes each way, I’ll time it properly when I go next;

8. 8. Route from home to news agents = about 35 minutes each way. I’ll time it properly when Dad and I do our next walk;

9. Routes I’m learning:

10. 1. Route from home to sister’s school = about 45-50 minutes each way. Dad and I will time it properly next time we do our walk as last week was the first time.

11. 2. Route from home to Woolston (now changed to newer less complicated route) = 55 minutes to an hour each way. We only did a test run of this yesterday so wil record it to my Trekker Breeze and time it properly after that.

12. 3. Home to Nan’s = no idea how long, Dad estimates at least an hour each way. We’re going to learn this after we’ve learnt the school.

13. 4. Home to Victoria Country Park = no idea how long. Jenny suggested it yesterday and as it was Zena’s favourite free run spot and would create another probably long route I thought why not.

14. 5. Home to archery’s park = I’m not sure. We’ve started to learn it via the long and complicate route we were using but Jenny says there are several different ways to get there. There’s a possibility of eventually learning them all for variation.

15. 6. Home to Dominoes Pizza/Co-op = probably as long as the library route as they’re an extension of it, although I’m considering learning how to get there using part of the complicated route we were using.

16. 7. Home to train station to airport = no idea. It would be mostly transport but I think it’d be a handy one to have under my belt. I’d have to get my usual bus from home into Woolston, then another bus from Woolston to opposite outside southampton central statin. Then get inside the station, find a member of staff and be put on the train to southampton airport parkway station. From there, disembark and get assistance to take me the exit. Then learn from the exit, along the road and across into airport arrivals hall. This idea was planted by John nearly a year ago when I was training with Zena. Although it sounds complicated with all those steps it should actually be quite straightforward.

So there’s quite a lot to be getting on with. I’m sure I’ve probably forgotten some in that list. We discussed loads esterday and I wish I had an in-built notebook to record all thoughts. Jenny was taking notes in a book herself so if I’ve forgotten anything she’ll have it written down. I’m still going with the idea that I’ll inform Guide Dogs once I’ve learnt the route to Woolston and ask to be put on the waiting list for a dog and in the meantime, while I’m waiting, continue to work through that list of routes with Jenny that we’ve compiled. I feel that’s a reasonable request, especially considering how long the waiting list can be and my insistence that Jenny and I will continue working on more routes. By the time I hopefully get matched with a guide dog, I should have so many routes we’ll be too busy! I should at least have a much wider choice than I did with Zena. Really, I already do. And if that isn’t seen as progress and dedication, I don’t know what could be.

So next Thursday Jenny and I have our seventh session. We’re going to be working on the new and improved route into Woolston. As it is so simple, I’m feeling very optimistic about it. I just hope its simplicity won’t reflect badly on me. I still intend to use fractions of that old route, just not the whole thing to get to Woolston. In time, with learning fractions of it for other destinations I might even crack the whole thing into Woolston. It would be a good walking alternative to get there in the winter because our new and improved one would be quite chilly in the winter where its mostly open spaces. I’m really thrilled with these massive leaps we’ve suddenly made today. Its like one of those breakthrough moments and it couldn’t have come at a better time after last week’s disaster. But as Jenny said, its all learning and I will still be using parts of that complicated route so nothing was wasted. Hopefully next week will be even more positive…

Mobility Update: My Guide Session 5

My fifth My Guide session took place last Thursday. As always, Jenny and I set out on the route optimistically because things had gone so well previously. But this session was different. I don’t know if I wasn’t in the right mindset or if other things were on my mind too much but things just felt different. And they went from bad to worse with cars parking on pavements, my cane getting caught in bushes/behind poles and posts. I even misjudged a couple of crossings and slipped off the curb. I quickly corrected myself but that wasn’t the point; I don’t do these things. Even though I’m still having mobility sessions, they’re primarily so I can learn routes. By almost everyone who has ever assessed my mobility, I’ve always been complimented on having good long cane skills. It was always the lack of wanting to use them that was frowned upon. So these little niggles annoyed me. They’re nothing massive and its no big deal in the grand scheme really but its irritating to be making these mistakes when I feel so close to achieving what I’ve been working towards for so long.

The outbound walk was the worst. My cane just got caught behind and on so much. It was frustrating beyond belief. Add to that the cars parked on pavements and it made the whole thing pretty unpleasant. I admire Jenny’s patience and calmness. I’d have got fed up with me if I was someone trying to help. I was fed up of me being me! The cars parked on the pavements weren’t major ones. They didn’t block the whole path, they just made an inconvenience along my journey I could have done without. If there’s an obstacle on the pavement, be it bin, parked car or uncovered man hole or whatever it is, it makes you have to slow down and reassess everything. You have to work out which angles to carry on, whether the gap is actually safe enough for you to pass through and then how to manoeuvre yourself through the situation. Usually, there’s more than enough room but if not, you’ve then got to work out if its safe for you to venture out into the road, carefully skirt closely around the car and then get back onto the path. And if this is a main road then this can become horrendous and extremely dangerous. Thankfully, there was none of the worst case scenario situations for me on Thursday. That would have really topped off my bad mood nicely.

By the time we reached our little coffee shop in Woolston, I was thoroughly frustrated with the whole event. I just wanted to be indoors somewhere not having to think about routes or possibilities or progress. Because it felt like, even though I’d remembered a lot of the crossings, landmarks and turnings on the route correctly, we’d actually taken two steps backward in terms of progress. In hindsight, perhaps that feeling was over-exaggerated at the time. I feel better about the whole thing now we’re nearly a week on from it than I did at the time. It made me question everything, especially when the fact that Guide Dogs still hold all the power of my dream came to mind. Although I’m putting all this effort in and wholeheartedly intend to continue to do so, when I approach Guide Dogs again and tell them I feel I’m ready to continue with my application, that I’d like to be reconsidered as now ready and enough for one of their dogs they could so easily say no, I’m not ready yet, I still don’t have enough routes, the workload isn’t big enough, am I sure this is what I want? It’s crushing. The thought that I could make all this massive progress – because, for me, it really is huge in comparison to what I’m used to – and they could still say no… Most of the time I really have to put that thought out of my mind otherwise it gets me really down. The idea that it could be years until I get accepted for a dog hurts and makes all this seem pointless.

Jenny tried to boost my spirits by saying how good things were looking with the route. I just wasn’t feeling it. It was nice to still have someone else having faith in me, though, and the feeling that even if it felt rubbish to me, it still looked like progress to Jenny was good news. This is all thought of in hindsight, mind. By the time I reached the sanctuary of my bedroom on Thursday afternoon, I was wholeheartedly deflated and down about the whole situation. The return trip was better. Although, not long into it the wired Aftershokz headphones I have to use with my Trekker Breeze died completely. I never carry the extra external little clip on speaker with me because the headphones never fully lose charge. So I was caught out. I tried clipping the Breeze’s belt clip onto the collar of my coat and positioning the in-built speaker next to my ear. But it just made everything clumsy and awkward and I couldn’t hear the announcements the Breeze was speaking even then. Reluctantly admitting defeat, I switched it off and put it in my pocket, cursing myself for not charging the headphones. Unfortunately, with them there’s no way of knowing when their battery is low so its always risky taking them out. But their battery lasts such a long time that I always forget it must need charging at some point. Strangely, from then onward the route seemed to go quite well. I remembered crossings, landmarks and turnings well and Jenny seemed quite impressed, drawing on how I must be retaining most of the route well now as I wasn’t asking her for too many hints and the Breeze was unavailable to give me reminders. It felt quite good doing some of the route without my Breeze. But I wouldn’t want to be out often without it. The reassurance it gives is so comforting and having it there as backup should anything disastrous happen is such a support. Maybe I should be able to do it without the Breeze. But I don’t see why having that extra safety net should be an issue. I always make sure the Breeze has enough charge and only on stupid occasions like this do things like the headphones battery dying happen. The GPS signal is always clear enough for the Breeze to get an accurate enough reading and that’s enough for me. I don’t rely on it. I intend to have this route fully memorised before I even consider approaching Guide Dogs again. But having it as support and guidance if I need it is nice and I wouldn’t give that up for anything. I wish I’d discovered Trekker Breeze sooner. Maybe then I’d have been further in this journey than I am currently. Maybe it’d have given me the confidence to learn routes and get out of the house years ago like I should have. Who knows? It didn’t happen.

Now looking back on the day in hindsight I can see it wasn’t as bad as I felt at the time. It is pretty disheartening though when things go wrong. Coincidentally, the night before it happened, I was talking to my ex cricket captain and constant adviser Tiny about my plans of making progress with this whole thing and he mentioned that I shouldn’t get too down if a bad session came along. I’m so glad he said that before it happened because it helped me get the resolve of “oh well, next session will be better and this isn’t the end of everything”. On Thursday night, I messaged Tiny, and Imi too, voicing my fears about Guide Dogs still saying no even after I put all this effort in and the feeling of knowing it might all be nothing despite my progress. Tiny’s response was the best. Although I struggled to agree with him on Thursday night I understand what he meant. He said that basically I needed to see the smaller goals and achievements in the whole thing as well as aiming toward my end goal of a guide dog. He had a point even if I couldn’t see it at the time through my disappointment at the way the day had gone. It made me think though. If I hadn’t been out learning a new route, what would I have been doing? Sat at home at my desk studying, most likely, just how I do every weekday. I wouldn’t have been in the company of a nice person, inhaling all the fresh air, being outside or having a drink in a nice little coffee shop with friendly staff. Those are the small blessings in this situation. But on Thursday it was hard to see how those things mattered in the grand scheme of things. And that point is still valid. The only reason I’m doing all this is so that Guide Dogs finally accept me as adequate and eligible for one of their dogs. It’s so I can have the independence I got a glimpse of when I had zena and none of the other positives matter. In the long run, if Guide Dogs were to decline my application again, I wouldn’t be looking back thinking “wow how lucky was I to be spending all that time outside learning a new really long route”. I’d be thinking “what a waste of time!”. I’ll forever be grateful that Jenny agreed to be my volunteer, that shes spending so much of her own personal time each week helping me towards my goal. But if that goal is never achieved, I won’t be glad I spent all this time trying to reach it. I’ll be gutted. Mainly because I spent so much time working so damn hard doing what they told me I needed to do for it then to be said not to be enough. How they could do that, I don’t know. But anything is possible and the fact I’ve not had a yes yet makes me cynical. Hopefully that cynicism will be wiped away after all this hard work and they’ll say yes straight away, acknowledging the effort I’ve put in which clearly shows how much I want a dog, how dedicated I will be to the partnership if only they give me a chance. I was dedicated to Zena. I was, just not many other people seem to see that. I tried 1000% my best with her. The whole thing just fell apart. The fact shes now living as a pet is testament to the fact I definitely made the right decision for both of us. She was miserable, I wasn’t safe in her care and eventually we’re both going to have our rightful places, she as a pet and I with a new dog who loves guiding and keeps me safe always. I just have to be positive, I guess. That’s always been one of my big problems. Always too miserable and cynical. Why shouldn’t Guide Dogs accept me onto the waiting list after this long route is accomplished? I’ll have done everything they asked of me. That’s how I need to think. A quiet confidence that this time, after all this work, it’ll all pay off.

Jenny and I have another session on Friday. I’m glad I waited until today to write this so I was in a better frame of mind to put things into words. It would have been a very angry post if I’d written it on Thursday afternoon like I’d planned. Luckily, other things have been going well. Last Wednesday, Dad and I walked the route up to the news agents he’s been teaching me. I didn’t need any prompting or guidance. So that route is done. On the way back, we walked via Mayfield Park, the spot I’d predicted would be great for a free run. I wasn’t wrong. It was perfect. I think, once the dog and I had a solid partnership, I’d even be able to take it for a run by myself. The park is enclosed and I’d be able to walk in a straight line along the perimeter of the park while the dog was off lead and get to the exit safely. Ive tried it with dad. So I’m really happy with that route and its been completed a lot quicker than I expected. In addition to that, today Dad and I tried a new route. It was to my sister’s secondary school. We’ve already tried one way, that takes you up and over a train bridge. But, although this way was longer, it was so much easier. It’s an extension of the gym/news agents route, which is great, and the new additional part isn’t complicated at all. After a few tries, I’m positive I’ll have it figured out and memorised. It means that, if I wanted to, I could meet my sister from school. More than that, its another at least 45 minute each way route that I know. This one even has a decent destination. Its a win win all round. While doing that route, I realised, as an extension of that, I’d be able to learn how to walk from my house to my grandparents’ house. I was planning to learn the bus route there with Jenny after we’ve finished the Woolston route but Dad says he can show me the route on foot. If I can memorise that, I think I’d learn the bus route as a backup. More and more possibilities of routes seem to be opening up and its such a nice feeling, especially as the more routes i have the happier Guide Dogs should be about my eligibility and commitment for a dog. It’ll all take time, I know, but progress is more than steady even with the blips in my fifth My Guide session. There’s the chance that my sixth could be the best yet. I guess I’ll find out Friday. For now, though, I’m going to stay positive. After the progress I have been making with the Woolston route and the leaps and bounds Dad and I are making with our routes, I can’t be disappointed. In fact, things are going better than I hoped. Fingers crossed everything stays positive.

PS: I’ve fixed the glove issue. Ive discovered that I can wear the fingerless gloves I have with the flap pulled over making them into mittens and its still almost as safe using my cane. I don’t lose much sensitivity at all and, best of all, my hands keep toasty. See, silver lining in every rain cloud…

Mobility Update  13 July 

Since Zena left, I have been struggling to get back into a normal routine, adjusting to life without a guide dog. as I spent all my time with Zena — she even slept in my room — I’ve found it quite difficult to keep busy without her. the main thing I’ve struggled with is adapting to using a cane as my primary mobility aid. as I relied on Zena as my guide for five months, it is very strange to transition back to using a cane. the first thing I noticed was all the things I hadn’t had to think about when Zena was guiding me. Swinging a cane and finding every little detail along a route is a lot different than walking in the direction you know your route follows with a dog avoiding all the unnecessary details. The one thing Zena has taught me is that a guide dog is definitely my preferred mobility aid. Using a cane feels tedious and long-winded. Some people say that a long cane feels like an extension of their arm when it comes to being mobile. I feel that way about a dog. Some people have said that I criticised Seeing Dogs, their training and Zena herself. I have not. I quite clearly recognised how vital Zena has been in my journey to being independent. I will forever be grateful to John and the charity for giving me the chance of being Zena’s partner and for Zena for showing me that a guide dog is definitely what I want. However, when I signed my Seeing Dogs Ownership Agreement, I did so with the knowledge that Zena was going to be my guide and that if ever I felt she wasn’t fulfilling that purpose, I’d be able to contact Seeing Dogs and something would be arranged that was in the interest of both Zena and I. I felt that I tried every option available to me to make sure mine and Zena’s partnership worked and when I ran out of options, I did the last thing available to me. Some may feel that I wasted the charity’s time, effort and money. A lot of money, resources and time is put into every partnership they produce. But I feel that Seeing Dogs give people the chance of matching with their dogs with the full understanding that maybe the match won’t be successful, that some matches do fail. Therefore, I don’t feel that handing Zena back was a waste of the charity’s money. They gave me the opportunity that nobody else ever has, to learn that a guide dog is exactly the mobility aid I need. Having Zena taught me many valuable lessons, including how to look after a dog and how to function with a guide dog. Those things are invaluable. Anyway, even if the charity’s money was wasted on me, Zena was well looked after, loved a lot and will hopefully be matched to someone who she can help more than she could me. Moving on, this post wasn’t supposed to be a rewrite of my last post where I explained my decision to have Zena withdrawn. This post was to explain the plans I’m putting in place for future independence.
Last Thursday, I reapplied to Guide Dogs for the Blind. I wrote an email in which I explained that I’d like to apply for a Guide Dog again and also use the My Guide service to its full potential. The My Guide service is where a volunteer is matched to a blind person to help them get out and about more. As my way to learn routes is with a sighted person helping out, the My Guide service could certainly help me. I have been rejected from being put on the Guide Dogs waiting list for a dog twice before because it was felt that I didn’t have enough routes to form a good enough workload for a dog. Before I had Zena, I didn’t go out anywhere on my own. The only time I used my cane independently was while I was learning new routes and that was always with a sighted person following behind. Now that I’ve had Zena and she is gone, I will go out by myself with just my cane. Having the additional aid of the Trekker Breeze has so far been invaluable. It makes me feel safer in the knowledge that I can rely on it to tell me what street i’m on if I feel lost. Unfortunately, the overlap of Trekker and Zena wasn’t big and I wasn’t able to log all of the routes and locations I went to with Zena on to it before she went. I did manage to go to the local Co-op with Zena and Trekker, recording the route as i walked. The local Co-op is literally a couple of side road crossings and a corner turn away. It only takes me about 10 minutes to walk there with a cane. But that Co-op is incredibly useful and a very valuable little route to have in the bank. I’ve been lucky in that Guide Dogs have responded fairly quickly. I received a phone call from the Southampton office on Tuesday and went through the Guide Dog application form there and then. The lady on the phone said she’d send out the medical forms they need and forward my email to the mobility officers so that they could arrange a mobility assessment for me. Usually the first step is to attend one of their information mornings in branch but the lady on the phone suggested that was probably unnecessary for me as I’ve been to one before and been through the application process twice before. I agreed to this suggestion as I didn’t really see the need to attend another information session, especially as I’ve had Zena and now know what it is to look after a guide dog. Guide Dogs themselves have the added benefit that they cover food and medical costs. So in a way I’ve already had a bigger responsibility than I’d have if I was matched with a Guide Dogs dog; I wouldn’t have to add cost as a contributing factor to whether a guide dog is right for me. THe next step is to fill out the medical forms that came in the post today and get them posted off to Guide Dogs. I’m hoping i’ll hear back from them relatively quickly regarding a mobility assessment , My hope from there is that they will see that I have a need for a dog, offer me more help to learn routes with My Guide and find me a match., This time, I don’t intend to take no for an answer. I need a guide dog to be comfortably mobile and all i need to do is prove that to them.
I think I’ve dealt with Zena’s absence quite well mobility wise. I haven’t just sat at home every day feeling sorry for myself because my partnership failed. I’ve gone into Woolston twice to meet grandparents for lunch and taken myself into town on the bus to meet friends three times. I’ve also wandered up to the local Co-op by myself twice. The first time was just to get me out of the house but the second time Mum had given me the electric key and some money to put on it. It was good to have a reason to go out again. But that’s definitely the scariest walk I’ve done alone without Zena. I’m not really sure why it was so terrifying because if anything the Co-op route is the one I know the best. But it was horrible. I was sweating loads when I got home even though I was only wearing three-quarter length trousers and a t-shirt and it wasn’t even hot. I just felt so nervous. That’s where walking with a cane is so different for me. At times I felt nervous walking with Zena but those nerves don’t even compare to what I feel with a cane. That’s another thing that makes me know a guide dog is the right thing for me. The confidence I had with Zena despite our flaws as a partnership were incredible so the confidence I should have if I’m fortunate enough to be matched with a Guide Dogs dog who meets the requirements I have should make the confidence I had with Zena pale in comparison. I’ll be flying, I know it.
And that is exactly why I have to convince Guide Dogs. I and others around me saw the massive impact Zena had on my life so we can only imagine the changes a well-matche dog could have on my life. I don’t mean in the fairytale way of everything will be perfect and I’ll be able to go wherever I desire. I’m not that clueless. Zena has taught me that its hard work to have a guide dog and maintain a partnership. But if the dog and I were to work well together in a way Zena and I never managed, I know I would benefit hugely. Of course, if I’m exceedingly lucky and am offered both Guide Dog waiting list and My Guide opportunities, I’ll be able to build up my knowledge of routes while I wait for a dog, making the likelihood of a stronger more successsful partnership more promising. Obviously, I’m just dreaming there; I very much doubt that I’ll be offered both. If anything, I’ll be told I still don’t have enough routes, even though I’ll have proved to the best of my ability, and given a My Guide volunteer to help me learn more routes. But I’m trying to be positive. A lot has changed since they last told me to learn more routes. I’ve had an assistance dog, I’ve learnt new routes and it had massive benefits on my life. I’ve discovered truthfully that a guide dog is the right mobility aid for me and I have plenty of experience to use for a future partnership. I’m going to be stubborn about this. I know for certain it’s what I need and I know I can make a success of it if I’m given a chance. I just need that chance.
While I wait hopefully and impatiently, I’m going to do all I can to get as many solid routes under my belt as I can. I still have all the routes I could use with Zena and there’s always potential for more, especially as Southampton has the talking bus service. I’ve been logging all the routes I’ve been doing on to my Trekker Breeze and adding landmarks to its memory every time I go somewhere. All these little things will be helpful and build up to the bigger end picture that I’m hoping for. In thes next blogs focused on mobility, i’m going to write about every little detail of my journey with Guide Dogs, whether that be being lucky and being put on the waiting list for a dog or progressing with new routes with a My Guide volunteer. I want it all written down, i want to be able to look back in a few years and know I made good decisions regarding my independence. I feel like currently I’m making all the right decisions and doing my best to make myself independent. Zena and Seeing Dogs have been a great catalyst for my desperation to be independent again. I was desperate when I applied to Seeing Dogs but now I’m desperate in a whole new way; I’m desperate for something that I know exists, for something I know I can have given the opportunity. Somehow, I’m going to make this work.