“She just wants to see my willy”: another week visiting Southampton

On the 9^th of this month, it was time for another flight down south for another week’s visit to Southampton and everyone down there. Since I visited last, over the new year, quite a lot has happened. The biggest event has been my Grandad John being discharged from hospital and allowed to return home for the first time since his stroke in early December. Sadly, the impact of his stroke has been much worse than the doctors originally predicted and for quite a while nobody thought he’d be coming home. To begin with, the doctors diagnosed him as having had three minor strokes. His whole right-hand side was affected, including his face falling and being unable to use his leg or arm. Thankfully, not long after the strokes, his face returned to normal again. I think that was comfort for Nan because it was hard to see the man she’s been married to almost 60 years look so different. But of course that was insignificant as long as he was ok eventually. At first, Grandad was given physio for his arm and leg. He seemed to be making slow progress. But then things seemed to get worse. A scan was done and they found he’d had bleeding on his brain. Due to this plus his age and the three minor strokes, the doctors said the impact on him was like having a full major stroke. It was a big blow to our hopes of him returning to normal. Now, we know that’s never going to happen. They continued physio on his arm for a while but quickly decided there was nothing they could do for his leg; he wasn’t going to walk again. I know this upset Nan. It’s totally life changing for him. Although in recent years he’s become more and more unstable on his feet, he still used to go to the local shop and buy the newspaper every morning. They used to go out for their weekly shop every Thursday and sometimes out with Dad and Harley on Saturday for a wander around town and lunch out. Not the most active lifestyle or anywhere near as much as five years ago when he could still drive, but enough to keep them busy. His speech was somewhat affected, with him taking longer to respond and his words being slightly slurred. In time, his speech became clearer but he still takes a while to reply and doesn’t really start conversations. But he’d been like that a bit before the stroke. We’d all been certain he has dementia and Nan was trying to get him tested. But it didn’t happen. Now, they’re just taking it as a side effect of the stroke. But we’re still sure it’s dementia too, which has obviously made the impact of the stroke worse. Since he’s been home, he seems to have improved a bit. Nan is finding it tiring looking after him but the help of carers four times a day, when they’re competent, is making a big of difference. Before I travelled, everyone warned me not to expect too much from Grandad, that he’s changed a lot and isn’t really him any more. But I didn’t have expectations; just to see him home would be enough. But I was a little sceptical of everyone’s negativity. Over the phone, he’d seemed quite chirpy and as I’d expect someone who’s had a stroke to be. But I understood I wasn’t seeing him daily so didn’t see the good and the bad.

 

Other big things include Mum continuing to progress well with her chemotherapy and Dad starting his new job as a driver’s mate for Currys. We’ve all been pleasantly surprised how well Mum has coped with chemo. When you hear about people having it or read about it online, you always get the worst case scenarios. But, touch wood, Mum has been quite fortunate with the side effects. Of course, she’s very much looking forward to it being over and, as of last Friday, had her fifth out of six sessions. Netflix has been her main ally through it all, giving her something to focus on during the long hours of treatment. Hopefully, after her sixth session in three weeks time, only monitoring scans and physio will be a reminder of everything she’s been through. She’s looking forward to finding a new job and joining a gym to get her fitness and strength back up. Her immune system, which was notoriously rubbish before this, has coped amazingly with chemo and the doctors are really pleased with how things are going. Dad has settled into his new job quite well. Although, in usual Dad fashion, he’s not 100% happy there. Driver’s mate is always a role he’s enjoyed but he’s finding the long hours and distance driving from home to the warehouse difficult. I’m hoping that with a bit more time he’ll get used to it and start to enjoy it properly. He definitely enjoys the rota which includes three days off. This is a lot in comparison to his one day a week before. He’s able to visit Nan and Grandad a lot more, which is great given their new situation, and gets more time to spend with Harley and Michelle.

 

So, on 9 March at around 4pm, Lesley collected us from the flat and took us to the airport. We were checked in and through security quickly but the flight was delayed due to it being cabin crew member June’s 70^th birthday. According to a tweet the company put out later, June is one of their longest serving members of staff and it was a lovely gesture for the company to put on a little surprise onboard the flight she was working on her birthday itself. The CEO of the company was on the flight and had arranged personalised cupcakes for her, which were handed out to each passenger on the flight. Everyone wished June a happy birthday as they boarded and left the plane. We could tell she was really touched from the kind gestures and a little moved when she did her speech before landing. The cupcakes were lovely: plain sponge with a massive swirl of vanilla buttercream and a big icing decoration on top, which I assume was personalised with a message to June. The special celebrations were clearly totally deserved and it was really nice that the company made the effort for her. Kieran and I said we thought she was crazy working on her 70^th and hoped she would have some free time to celebrate personally with friends and family. It made for a pretty special and unique flight.

 

Dad, Harley and Michelle were waiting to meet us in the arrivals hall and there were big hugs all round. The member of special assistance staff helped us get our suitcase no problem. Dad drove us to Mum’s where she cooked lamb, beef, chicken and double beef with cheese in the middle burgers with homemade chips for dinner. We watched the films Live And Let Die and Crank, which were showing on TV channels.

 

The following morning, Dad and Michelle picked Kieran and I up around 11. We went and had a drink in Costa: a black Americano for Kieran, a decaf coconut latte for Michelle, his usual hazelnut latte for Dad and a rolo hot chocolate with a slice of lotus biscoff rocky road for me. Afterwards, we went next door and bought food from Greggs to take to Nan and Grandad’s for everyone for lunch. I bought a pack of four sausage rolls to cover myself, Nan and Grandad, Kieran had a steak bake, Michelle a chicken and bacon baguette and Dad a cheese and bacon twist; I also bought a few doughnuts in case anyone wanted one. It was so lovely to see Nan and Grandad again. I always miss them now I’m living far away but even more so since Grandad had his stroke. I just always feel like they’ll always be here, even though rationally I know they’re getting older, and Grandad’s stroke was a cruel reminder that they aren’t going to be. Nan was very pleased with the Greggs lunch. When they used to go out to do their shopping on a Thursday, they’d always sit in Greggs for their lunch and a coffee. Of course, that’s another thing they’re unable to do now. We’d been unsure whether Grandad would be able to eat a sausage roll so were all pleased when he managed quite a lot of it. Nan decided to save his doughnut for later. Despite everyone’s warnings, Grandad was on top form, chatting and making jokes. His speech is still a bit slower than it used to be and he definitely takes longer to process what’s being said and respond but he’s definitely still there, still Grandad.

 

After he’d eaten his lunch, Dad did some painting in the bathroom and kitchen for Nan. He also showed Grandad a video on his phone of his new car. A sad moment came when Grandad wriggled around in his chair, clearly trying to get up. When Nan asked him what he was doing, he said he was going to see Dad’s new car. She reminded him he couldn’t and when he questioned why not, she had to explain about the stroke and that he can’t walk. I think we were all a little choked up. Strangely, he didn’t argue, just accepted it and sat still.

 

A little later, we left Nan and Grandad’s to visit Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave for a little while. It’s always a juggling act to try and get to see everyone each time I’m down and even more so now Dad’s days off don’t fall on the same day every week. Auntie Clare’s hips are really bad now, to the point where she doesn’t move out of her chair unless she needs to because it hurts so much. Thankfully, her first hip replacement operation is scheduled for a few weeks time so we hope she’ll be in a lot less pain and more mobile very soon. Currently, Uncle Dave is taking special leave from work to be home to look after her. He worries about her being alone because she’s fallen over and been unable to get back up a couple of times. Of course, now Nan has to be with Grandad, unless someone else can sit with him, she can’t go to be with Auntie Clare. Uncle Dave was very busy while we were there, sorting things out around the house, and jokes that he’s slave Dave on minimum wage. Teddy, who’s now 9 months old, has grown loads since I saw him at Christmas and loved Kieran, as most dogs do. Harley arrived not long after 3, walking from college, which is only around the corner from Clare and Dave’s house.

 

An hour or so later, we left and went to a nearby fish and chip shop to buy dinner for us plus Nan and Grandad. Again, I wanted to treat Nan because she’s working so hard looking after Grandad. We were also curious to see what Grandad would be able to eat. Since his stroke, his swallow reflex has been affected and he struggles to eat quite a lot of food he used to enjoy. Nan asked for a small plain sausage for him and a pea fritter for herself; Kieran and I shared a large battered cod; Harley had chicken nuggets; Dad had a chicken and mushroom pie; Michelle had a cheese and mushroom burger; and I forgot to order the curry sauce Kieran and I were going to share. The food was quite nice but didn’t really have a lot of flavour to it. Happily, Grandad managed to eat quite a lot of his meal and Nan seemed to enjoy her pea fritter. A little after we’d finished eating, Nan and Michelle realised Grandad was uncomfortable. It turned out his afternoon carers hadn’t done a very good job of changing him. To start with, they’d changed him while he was still sat in his chair, which meant they hadn’t put his pad on correctly. This meant he’d wet through his pyjamas and was fidgeting to try and sort himself out. As Michelle is a nurse on the stroke ward, she offered to sort him out. As she said, we couldn’t just leave him like that. This is when the quote that forms the title of this blog was said. When Michelle explained to Grandad what she needed to do, in a really calm voice so he’d understand but without being patronising, Grandad responded straight away, quick as a flash, “she just wants to see my willy”. Without hesitation, as we all burst out laughing, Michelle responded “well I’m going to get your son to help so you can compare”. This joke, more than anything else he said that day, makes me know Grandad is still in there. After everyone was satisfied Grandad was clean and comfortable, we said goodbye. Another little sad moment came then when, as we said our goodbyes, Grandad said he’d come and walk us out. I just told him to sit and relax. He didn’t protest. That evening, we watched Jonathan Ross and Police Academy 4.

 

Saturday meant another day out with Dad. I needed to do Mother’s Day shopping as well as early birthday shopping for Mum and Dad because I wouldn’t be visiting again until after all three events. This meant a trip into town where Harley and I shopped in as many places as fast as we could to get everything we wanted for them. Seeing as we were shopping for three times the amount of presents, this wasn’t an easy task. Before we went into town, we quickly popped into see Nan and Grandad so Dad could check his handywork now the paint had dried; he was very pleased. We sat with Nan and Grandad for a little while and Nan told us the carers had been good that morning. Grandad seemed quite content and chatted a bit. I felt strange saying goodbye. It’s always hard but since Grandad’s had his stroke the distance seems that little bit further. Grandad made it sadder by trying to wriggle out of his chair, holding out his hand for Kieran to shake. Whenever Grandad used to greet or say goodbye to Kieran he’d shake his hand. Of course, Kieran couldn’t see what Grandad was trying to do and it took a few seconds for everyone else to realise. Again, he also said he’d come to see us out. I was a bit choked up because Grandad would always show us out and wave us off from the pavement. It’s a weird thing knowing he’ll never be able to do that again.

 

Once we were in town, the five of us went for lunch in Dad’s favourite café, Poppins. I had a cheese and mushroom panini, Harley a cheese toasty, Kieran a sausage and bacon baguette and Dad his usual brunch with beans. Afterwards, Harley and I headed off to do our shopping. Meanwhile, Dad took Kieran with him to HMV, CEX and the vape shop. Then, they had a coffee before sitting in the car to wait for us. Once we were finished shopping, Dad drove us home; I gave him a big hug goodbye as I wouldn’t be seeing him again until my next visit because he was working for the rest of this week.

 

That evening, while Mum and Simon were still out at their all-day music event, the three of us ordered takeaway while watching Gogglebox. We shared a mixed kebab, large cheesy chips and a cheesy garlic bread.

 

The next day was a quiet one until Kieran and I caught the bus into town to meet Josh for dinner and our comedy show that evening. The only notable thing that happened during the day was when I was playing fetch with Suggs and his ball upstairs and the ball bounced into the toilet. We disinfected it in a jug of boiling water with some washing up liquid so Suggs forgave me. Later, Kieran, Josh and I went to the Giddy Bridge Wetherspoons for our food. Josh had a chicken burger with cheese and bacon and chips; I had the chicken strip basket which came with chips and a cookie dough sandwich for pudding; Kieran had a mixed grill and shared onion rings with me. We sat chatting for a couple of hours until it was close enough to the start of our show to head to the theatre. We were seeing Chris McCausland perform his Speaky Blinder show at the Mast Mayflower Studios theatre. The show was absolutely excellent! Of course, the fact that the three of us totally understood the blind jokes he made was even funnier. I also found it quite strange because Chris described how he pictures scenes around him in his head since he lost his sight and I’ve never heard anyone else explain it like that, just how I picture things too. Josh wanted me to use a quote from the show, “Fanny Gravie”, for the title of this post but Grandad’s line is even better.

 

While Harley was at college, on Monday morning Mum and I popped to Lidl. The boiler stopped working so it was pretty chilly in the house, especially as the weather temperature had dropped too. During the afternoon, we watched game shows on telly, including Lingo, Bridge Of Lies and The Chase. As Mum enjoyed Lingo, Kieran introduced her to Wordle. Mum did meatballs and nachos with garlic bread for dinner, while Harley was out having Nando’s with their friends. Later, we watched a documentary on Paula Yates and the film Gone In 60 Seconds.

 

While Harley was at college and Kieran watched the Cheltenham festival on the telly, Mum and Simon took me into town so I could buy some new trainers and jogging bottoms to use when I play goalball. Later on, Mum cooked roast gammon for dinner and we watched The Chase, Masked Singer US and Star Struck.

 

As I wasn’t happy with them, on Wednesday Mum and Simon took me back into town to exchange my trainers. Meanwhile, Kieran watched more horse racing. On our way home from town, we picked Harley up from college and went to Lidl so I could buy Mum early Mother’s Day flowers. That evening, we went out for a meal at the Harvester restaurant in the Swan Centre shopping centre in Eastleigh. Harley had chicken goujons and loaded potato skins with lots of bowls from the salad bar; I had breaded garlic mushrooms, a big bowl from the salad bar and battered haloumi with chips and mushy peas; Kieran had jalapeno poppers followed by a chicken ribs combo with chips; Simon had a chicken burger, Mum had chicken skewers and they shared calamari and breaded garlic mushrooms. The service was good and food delicious so it was a great evening out; we were all very full by the end of it. When we got home, we chatted to Dad, Michelle and Josh on FaceTime before watching Masked Singer US with Mum and Simon while listening to the Real Madrid vs Liverpool second leg Champions League match, which Liverpool lost 1-0 (6-2 on aggregate) and exited the cup.

 

Thursday meant the day I always dread had arrived, it was time to say goodbye to everyone again and head home. Before we left, Kieran ordered Dominoes for himself, Harley and I; Mum and Simon didn’t want any when offered. Harley had chicken strips and potato wedges; Kieran had a meat feast pizza with extra chillies; I had a small create your own Italian-style crust pizza with tuna, sweet corn, mushrooms and garlic spread and a Texas BBQ wrap. The food was lovely. We watched more game shows during the afternoon before making sure everything was packed and ready to go. Dad arrived with Michelle and Josh to take us to the airport around 6. On Saturday, I’d thought we wouldn’t see Dad again but his work schedule had changed so he was able to drive us to the airport. Kieran and I gave Mum and Harley big hugs; it never gets easier saying goodbye. However, it’s only just over 2 months until I’ll be back visiting. By then, Mum will have had her check up scan after chemo is finished, so hopefully everything will be clear, and Harley will have nearly finished college. We arrived at the airport far too early and after sitting in the car a little while, all headed in. We checked in quickly and after briefly sitting down in the waiting area, a member of special assistance staff arrived to guide us through. More goodbye hugs were exchanged and then we headed through security to the departure lounge, where we sat for quite a while because we were so early. The flight home went smoothly and Rebecca and Dave were waiting to meet us at Newcastle airport.

 

So, another great visit has come and gone. I was glad I managed to see everyone, especially spending time with Nan and Grandad. Thank you to Lesley for taking us to the airport and Rebecca & Dave for picking us up. Thanks, Josh, for a great afternoon/evening out with great food and comedy. Thanks, Dad, for putting up with my endless shopping sprees, but you’ll benefit when your birthday comes. Thanks, Kieran, for keeping Dad company haha. Thanks, Harley, for all your help with the shopping and gift organising; I think we make a good team. Thanks, Mum, for having us to stay again and all the lovely food; the amount of time I’m down there is never enough but I’m glad I get to spend so much of it with you. Looking forward to when I see you all again in May.

 

PS: other potential blog titles for this post included “Fanny Gravie” from Chris McCausland’s show and Harley’s random line of “there’s been no sunsets and it’s making me depressed” as they tried to take photos from their bedroom window on Friday evening.

“Well you’ll definitely get that, Greggs take anyone”

In March, I moved from Southampton to Blyth to live with Kieran. He and his parents had been renovating the flat left in their family after his great-grandma passed away a few years ago. At the time, it had a wet room for a bathroom and they decided needed a lot of work doing to it. John did the majority of it and everyone has agreed it looks lovely. It’s definitely very nice to live in and I feel I’ve mostly adjusted well to living up here. It’s definitely been strange living so far away from all my family. Before I left, Grandad John’s health had started to go rapidly down hill. He’s 83 today and has done incredibly well to stay quite healthy in his senior years, especially considering he had prostate cancer in 2015. Grandad has always been the head of the family, loved and admired by us all. He’s just such a great man. But age is slowly taking away the Grandad we know him as. We think dementia is taking hold, his hearing is deteriorating and he doesn’t interact much any more. These days, if you want a good conversation with Grandad, you have to start and keep it going. He still loves talking to us and you can tell is so happy when someone starts chatting to him, but he just doesn’t get involved any more. At family gatherings, he used to be centre of the conversation, chatting to everyone. Nowadays, he just sits in a corner, observing and taking it all in, with the odd comment every now and then. That made leaving that little bit harder. It’s a horribly clear reminder that he is getting older and isn’t going to be around for ever. Nan Marg and Grandad John, Dad’s parents, played a massive role in my childhood — they pretty much helped raise me. While Mum and Dad were out working, unable to do the childcare, Nan and Grandad took it on gladly. Nan has told me so many times how she’s so happy that she’s been so involved in her grandchildren’s lives. So am I. They’ve been the best grandparents. But they’re not getting any younger and things are difficult for them at the moment, for Grandad because he can see Hes changing and for Nan because she’s having to look after him more and more. I used to spend every Wednesday with them and I miss those days. But I know I am really lucky to have had so many with them. Saying goodbye in March was hard; we all went out for a meal the evening before we travelled up here and I was so glad we spent it all together. Even before I moved, we’d already agreed my first visit back. I was to travel down sometime at the end of May to spend my birthday with them. It was nice, as we drove away that Saturday morning, to know I had a fixed point when I’d be seeing everyone again. I think it was a comfort, especially for my first few weeks up here while I settled.

So, 2 weeks ago, it was time to make that planned trip back down south. Kieran and I had booked our plane tickets some time before, trying to get the best price we could. Like everything else, flight prices have increased a lot. On Wednesday 25th May around 4pm, after Kieran had finished work for the day, Lesley arrived to take us to the airport for our flight down. Once there, we had to wait a little while for assistance to arrive but they soon came and took us through security, where I even had to take off my shoes to walk through the security scanner, because boots aren’t allowed. We sat in departures a while and then, when we boarded, we found they’d boarded the rest of the passengers before the special assistance passengers, which explained our wait. This meant that the plane was dlayed taking off. It was a smooth flight and somehow we landed 2 minutes early in Southampton. During the flight, I’d listened to my music, only pausing to accept the complimentary water, shortbread and caramel wafer, feeling suddenly strange about going down. It was weird that it was finally happening. After so long of looking forward to seeing everyone again, I was actually on my way to doing just that. In reality, 11 weeks isnt long at all. but it had seemed long. In another way, though, the time seemed to have flown by.

as we departed the plane, the lovely assistance lady, Alison, whos helped us on many occasions before was there to greet us. she remembered me well, even knowing to ask if I was coming back to visit as I’d told i was planning to move to live with Kieran earlier in the year. in arrivals, my tiny little sister — obviously not tiny at all any more — was waiting excitedly to meet us. i hugged them so tight. note: T is now using they/them pronouns and going by the name Harley. they’ve explained this to Mum but shes not quite ready to call them Harley yet. Kieran and I are doing our best to support their wishes. harley had been the name Mum and Dad had chosen for them before they were born, when I thought I was having a little brother. strangely, it kinda suits them. My brain still thinks Tamsin sometimes and it’s strange calling them Harley between ourselves and to them but Tamsin to people they haven’t explained to. all in good time, hopefully. Harley guided us out of the airport to the car where Dad was waiting. it was so good to see them both again. as Kieran and I hadnt eaten and Dad had time, we headed to the mcdonalds in Eastleigh for some dinner. Harley and I ordered at the self-service machine while Dad and Kieran found a table. Kieran had the McSpicy vmeal with a coke; I had a double cheese burger and fries; Dad had a large fries and a large latte; Harley had a flake McFlurrie and a coke 0; Harley and I shared 6 chicken nuggets and bought a portion of the new cheesy garlic bites which we all shared and agreed were lovely. Afterwards, we headed to the hospital to pick Dad’s girlfriend Michelle up from work. Dad dropped the 3 of us back at Mum’s house before they went home themselves.

when I’d originally planned this trip, it had obviously been with the intention of going back to Southampton how it normally was and seeing everyone as I usually would. however, Mum’ partner Simon had surprised her with a holiday away to Benidorm with his brother and sister-in-law. It was a treat for her after the year she’s had, including all the worry as she had tests to see what the problem was, the complex operation, finding out it was cancer and then the recovery that has followed. when he’d booked it, he hadn’t realised he’d not only booked it during my visit but over my birthday too. Mum was very excited about going on holiday — it was her first since going to Greece in 2019 with Harley and Dad — but was disappointed and apologetic about missing my birthday. To begin with, I’d been pretty gutted; it’s quite childish but I haven’t spent a birthday without Mum yet. To get to 25 and manage that is quite unusual, I think, and not really a big deal. To be honest, I think I was more disappointed that Mum wasn’t going to be there for my whole visit, instead only 2 days out of the week I was down. So arriving back to what had been my home since I was a toddler for the first time after moving away was bittersweet. It felt very strange to be there, even with staffy dog Suggs enthusiastic welcome. It was very nice to discover that although he is still 100% bonkers, Suggs behaviour has improved a lot. He was instantly besotted in Kieran, who had found himself a new shadow who was very excited to have someone to play with. he brought Kieran his favourite ball and they spent some time playing out in the back garden, Kieran doing his best to tire Suggs out, something nobody has yet achieved.

everyone had a long lie in on Thursday morning before Harley had to go to their afternoon class. Kieran spent the afternoon going through Mum & Dad’s CD collection, some of which Dad had left behind when he’d moved out, and copying the ones he wanted onto his laptop. At around 4pm, Harley arrived back from college, driven by Auntie Clare who’d come to see me with Nan and Grandad. It was so good to see them all and lots of hugs were exchanged. While we were all chatting, Harley answered a knock to the door which turned out to be the lovely Jenny who’d popped by to say hello and drop off a birhtday card for me. It was such a nice surprise to see her and next time I go down I’ll try and set aside some time so we can go for a coffee and a catch up. Jenny and I email regularly and I enjoy keeping in touch with her. She helped me so much in Southampton and I wishe I could transport her to Blyth to do the same.

after everyone left, the three of us got ready and got the bus into town to meet up with Josh. We’d arranged to meet for dinner at Pizza Hut. We’d agreed we’d meet up anyway but Josh had a 5 years of service meal offer from work and Kieran had the meerkat meals discount to use. Therefore, as it was on the list of options for the discount and always somewhere we love, we’d agreed on Pizza Hut. Josh had up to the value of £50 to spend that work would reimburse if he kept his receipt. As Kieran’s meerkat meals offer is 2 for 1 on everything except deals and sharing dishes, we pretty much had the pick of anything and didn’t need to worry about the price, which obviously meant we took full advantage.when we were seated and the waitress took our order, she said she recognised me and Kieran. It turns out she was the waitress in the Hedge End branch of Pizza Hut, now closed down, that served Kieran and I on our very first date night. Kieran and I remember her too because her service was excellent, especially as she adapted to our needs effortlessly, to the point where you wouldn’t even notice the difference. At the time, we’d nicknamed her Clare, not actually knowing her real name but deciding she suits a Clare. I spent the whole evening trying to pluck up the courage to ask what her actual name is but didn’t manage it. If she ever serves us again, I’ll make sure to find out. Yet again though, Clare, thank you for being amazing. Your service was faultless and it was lovely to have you again. She made funny little comments to Harley; like when we ordered refill drinks and salad bowls, she teasingly said to them: “I suppose that’s up to you to sort out then”. Sometimes, people are so afraid to make jokes about disability because they’re worried of the response. Some people are very defensive about their condition and wouldn’t appreciate a funny comment, however innocent the intention, because they see it as the person making fun of and being offensive about them. To be honest, if the joke is lighthearted and made without malice I don’t really see the problem. I’d even go as far to say that sometimes it makes the occasion more enjoyable. Because *Clare knew it was ok to joke around with us it made our experience more relaxed. We knew we didn’t need to worry about any discrimination or accessibility for this outing. It’s really nice to have that feeling and lovely that she remembered Kieran and I so well too and seemed genuinely interested to hear how we were. In keeping with our plan to take full advantage of the discount, I think we all ordered as much as we could. Harley and I had salad bowls; everyone except Kieran, who had beer, had refill drinks; we shared chips and cheesy garlic bread; Kieran had a stuffed crust spicy meat feast pizza with chicken wings; Josh had a pepperoni stuffed crust pizza; Harley had macaroni cheese, chicken bites and a chocolate cookie dough; I went for a Hawaiian pizza with added mushrooms and a white chocolate salted caramel cookie dough. Safe to say we were all absolutely stuffed and the bill exceeded Josh’s £50 gift. If we hadn’t had Kieran’s meerkat deal it would have been double. I’d like to say we would have been less greedy if we hadn’t had both of these but I’m not sure.

Feeling very full, we headed for the bus stop. Wehn our bus came, we said goodbye to Josh, who’d let it slip that he was coming to my birthday meal on Sunday. As we got on and I tried to pay, I struggled to find the contactless pad to first use my buspass and then my bank card. Not only did the driver not try to help me, she then let another woman boarding the bus after us barge past and pay while I was still floundering. We were stood in a line of three — Harley then me then Kieran — so the other passenger had to push passed all of us to get by. It was really disrespectful of the driver and rude of the other woman. Harley was absolutely seething about it and we discussed it for quite a while after we arrived home.

After Harley returned home from their morning lesson at college on Friday, the three of us went on the bus into Woolston. I wanted to get a few bits and pieces for the house and we were going to Nan and Grandad’s later for dinner. I suggested to Harley and Kieran that we go to Woolston a bit earlier than planned and I’d treat them to a Subway. It was a gorgeous hot day and just right for a Subway; plus, it’d been ages since I’d had one. Everyone agreed. Once in Woolston, we went into Lidl first and got the bits we needed. Then, we headed for Subway. Kieran had a hearty Italian meatball marinara with jalapeños, a chocolate chip cookie and a Mountain Dew; Harley had a hearty Italian with chicken, ham, crispy onions and sweet onion sauce, a chocolate chip cookie and pepsi; i had nachos with meatballs, a peach iced tea and a lemon cookie, which was new; I got a portion of hash browns and potato wedges for us to share. The food was lovely. While we’d been ordering our food, my phone had rang but I’d ignored it. I realised I had a voicemail and found it was from the recruitment team at Greggs, offering me an interview for the role I’d applied for a week or so earlier. No, the role isn’t serving customers in the bakeries, obviously. It’s working in their head office answering complaints and queries via telephone, email, web chat and social media. When I’d applied, it had actually been one of the few I hoped I’d get an interview for. Unusually, it didn’t ask for experience I don’t have and I thought I’d actually be able to complete all the necessary tasks. I decided not to phone them back in Subway but told Harley and Kieran what the call was for. They were both pleased but Harley’s response is the reason for this post’s title. In their attempt to congratulate me on getting an interview and refering to previous interviews I’ve been unsuccessful in, they said: “Well you’ll definitely get this one, Greggs take anyone”. As soon as they realised what they’d said, we all laughed about it. Obviously, they didn’t mean it how it sounded and were just trying to be positive for me. But as phrases for possible blog titles go, it’s a pretty good one.

Once we’d finished our food, we caught the bus up to Nan and Grandad’s where they were just arriving back with Auntie Clare from Grandad’s hair cut and Nan’s 4th covid vaccination. While Kieran sat out in the lovely sunny garden chatting to everyone, Harley and I popped round to the nearby convenience shop so I could buy the items Lidl hadn’t had that we needed. Then, we all sat out in the garden enjoying the sunny weather. A little while later, Dad arrived from work and Auntie Clare was persuaded to stay for dinner too. We all had curry with naan bread. As requested, Nan had made her amazing apple crumble for pudding. I’d joked that I wouldn’t come for dinner when I visited if she didn’t make it. It didn’t disappoint. In fact, I think I could have eaten the whole lot had she let me. We spent the rest of the evening at home watching Gogglebox.

We spent Saturday with Dad and Michelle in town. We went into West Quay where Dad, Michelle and Kieran got Costa. Meanwhile, Harley and I went to see the Eastleigh Guide Dogs fundraising group who were set up trying to attract donations. David, who I’ve met several times before, had messaged the night before to say they’d be there if I wanted to pop by and say hello. It was lovely to see him again and make a big fuss of Winston, his curly coat retriever withdrawn guide dog who helps catch people’s attention. Afterwards, we all went to Apple as one of Kieran’s airpods wasn’t working properly. As there was going to be quite a wait, Harley and I headed off to do some of the shopping: Lush, Primark, Savers two crystal shops and Shoe Zone. While we were doing that, the other three went to Asda and then Hinds jeweller’s where Kieran was able to get his engagement ring reshaped. It hadn’t been round for quite some time. We all met up and went to Poppins, Dad’s favourite place, for lunch. Dad had his usual brunch with beans, Michelle had a salad and Kieran, Harley and I made up our own breakfasts. After, Dad and Kieran went to HMV while Michelle, Harley and I went to Pound Land. While Harley and I were in Card Factory, Michelle bought Dad a vape. Before I’d moved away, he’d decided to quit smoking and had been doing quite well for a while. In a bid to save him money and stop him smoking actual cigarettes, Michelle decided he should try a vape. It was certainly a funny novelty that afternoon, especially because he was calling it his “puff puff”, but he seems to have stuck with it since, maybe because of the cola, caramel latte and cappuccino liquids he chose for it or maybe because it’s saving him money. Either way, it’s better for him than the amount of cigarettes he was smoking each day.

Dad dropped us home and Harley spent the rest of the afternoon tidying their room while Kieran and I listened to music and I sorted out my shopping. At around 5 o’clock, while Kieran was out in the garden playing with Suggs, the Disney boat’s horn went off. I’d first heard it a couple of years ago when it had first come to Southampton. I looked forward to hearing it from my room whenever it was in because it could always make you smile. It had been around a few days before I’d left and I remember thinking that I’d miss it’s little tune. Mum and I used to call to each other from whichever room we were in that we could hear it. It made me smile to hear it again and I’ve since found a video of it someone has posted on YouTube.

At around 6:45, Dad and Michelle picked us up and we all went to Nan and Grandad’s so we could watch the Champion’s League final between Liverpool vs Real Madrid together. Nan did a little buffet of crisps and dip, cheesy savouries, marshmallows & maltesers, egg or ham sandwiches, chicken goujons, duck spring rolls, Greggs sausage rolls and breaded cheesy bites. The food was lovely and it was nice for us all to spend the evening together. Unfortunately, the football wasn’t so good; kickoff was delayed by half an hour because of problems outside the ground when fans were trying to get in and it wasn’t being handled very well. Liverpool lost 1-0.

As Mum wasn’t there to uphold our usual traditions of everyone gets up at a sensible time on their birthday, on Sunday morning we got up around 10. Kieran went downstairs and put the Stevie Wonder birthday song on the CD player, so that tradition continued. Once we were all showered, we FaceTimed Mum so that I could open her presents. I was as always very spoilt by her and Harley. I also opened the other cards there for me, including those from Kieran’s family we’d bought down with us, and found that I had a Costa voucher in my email InBox from Jenny.

At 1:15, Dad and Michelle arrived to take us out for my sort of surprise birthday meal. It had meant to be a complete surprise — all I was supposed to know was that I was seeing everyone on my birthday — but Dad had let slip that we were all going for a meal. Luckily, he hadn’t told me where we were going and nobody else had either. It was The Hut, our nearby Beefeater, which I’d enjoyed going to many times before. There to meet us were Josh, Nan, Grandad, Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave. Once we’d sat down, I opened more gifts from everyone else and was again very spoilt. Unfortunately, the service and quality of The Hut wasn’t at the standard we’d been expecting. There were quite a few things missing from the menu, which meant people had to find alternatives to what they’d actually fancied, and some of the meals weren’t particularly enjoyable. The service itself was also very slow. Kieran had calamari as a starter, the chicken melt for his main and a sticky toffee pudding; I had potato dippers, the chicken melt and a peanut butter and banana sundae; Harley had potato dippers, lasagne and a mini sundae; Josh had lasagne and a triple chocolate brownie; Dad had potato dippers and the chicken melt; Michelle had a prawn cocktail and lasagne; Uncle Dave had chicken goujons and a mixed grill; Auntie Clare had a prawn cocktail and a lasagne; Nan had roast lamb; Grandad had a prawn cocktail and a small steak & mash. Originally, Grandad had wanted roast chicken, Kieran chose fish & chips and chicken wings and Nan ordered steak & ale pie but these were all unavailable. Kieran, Dad and I agreed there wasn’t enough of the toppings and sauce on our chicken melts; Harley and Michelle said there lasagne was watery. So overall, a pretty disappointing meal. Despite that, it was lovely to be with everyone. Auntie Clare had also brought a birthday cake, a slice of which I somehow managed to squeeze in. The worst part of it all, of course, was saying goodbye to everyone. As we left the restaurant, I had to say goodbye to Nan, Grandad, Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave, who I wouldn’t be seeing any more while I was down. Then, when he dropped us home, I had to say a big goodbye to Dad as I wouldn’t see him again until next time. As time passes, I hope the goodbyes will get easier.

I spent the rest of my birthday watching The Chase and Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone, which was obviously a very good ending to the day in my opinion.

For breakfast the following morning, Harley showed me how to use my new bagel slicer, a requested birthday present from Mum as I’d been struggling to cut in half the bagels I’d bought at home. Turns out it is of course simple. While I ate my first self-sliced bagel, Kieran had a crumpet. Harley and I spent the day tidying and cleaning so that the house was presentable ready for Mum coming home in the early hours of the morning. Once everything was done, the three of us headed into town on the bus as Kieran had promised to buy Harley dinner at Ed’s, somewhere they love going. On the way, I had a quick look in Schuh to see if I could find any nice Converses to buy with Mum’s birthday voucher, but didn’t get any. At Ed’s, Kieran had hot wings, a Coney Island hot dog, chips and beer; Harley had chicken tenders, cheese & bacon loaded fries and a banana milkshake; I had chicken tenders, halloumi fries, waffle fries and the Go Bananas (peanut butter, banana and caramel sauce) milkshake. We enjoyed our meals, and the milkshakes were of course faultless, but Harley and I agreed that the chicken tenders weren’t as nice as they used to be. Also, we’d had to complain about Harley’s loaded fries as they’d arrived stone cold. As we were sitting there, we discovered they’d ran out of gravy, gherkins and nachos and by the time we left there was a 30 minute wait for a table because the chef had gone home ill.

On the way back to the bus stop to go home, we stopped at Costa so I could use Jenny’s birthday gift voucher and also take advantage of the free cake because it was my birthday Costa Club offer. Unfortunately, when I tried to pay, the till wouldn’t accept either voucher, meaning I paid in full for the lot. To add to my annoyance, my white hot chocolate with coconut milk seemed to be missing the chocolate part and was just hot coconut milk. Thankfully, Kieran enjoyed his iced Frappuccino and Harley their berry cooler. I’d also bought Kieran and I biscoff rocky roads, which we enjoyed later.

That evening, when she arrived at the airport, Mum phoned Harley to say her flight had been delayed. We’d all been a bit nervous this would happen given all the delays and cancellations on flights over the last few days. Mum promised to keep us up-to-date and Kieran kept an eye on the departure board online. Once they’d finally departed, Kieran checked their plane every now and then on his flight tracker app. We watched Hebburn for the rest of the evening and every now and then Kieran would freak me out with a little fact about Mum’s flight, like how many thousand feet they were flying at.

Eventually, Mum got home around 5am on Tuesday morning. I’d somehow fell asleep despite worrying about the flight and woke to the sound of car doors outside the house. On her way up to bed, Mum came in and had a little chat with us; she sounded absolutely knackered. That morning, Kieran and I stayed in bed until 10 and even then I tried to be quiet, not wanting to wake them. But Mum was already awake and got up just as we did. Mum made us cups of tea and toasted me another bagel, obviously not needing to use my bagel slicer but using a knife like any other normal person. The majority of that day was spent sitting in the front room listening to Mum, and Simon when he joined us, tell us all about their holiday. They’d bought us little souvenir gifts home, including a fridge magnet for our flat. That evening, Kieran ordered a Chinese takeaway for dinner for everyone. I ordered chicken with cashew nuts & crunchy veg and special fried rice; Mum chose mushroom chow mein and smoked shredded chicken; Simon asked for king prawns in peking fruity sauce and Thai special fried rice; Harley chicken balls with sweet & sour sauce, chips and curry sauce; Kieran had a house special curry with chips. With the place we used, you can request free dishes with certain prices when you’ve spent over different set amounts. Mum said, using her last order as reference, that the platter of mixed sides we were going to order — including prawn on toast, spring rolls and seaweed — had come free. We also asked for free prawn crackers as they’re free over a very low spend. When the meal arrived, we hadn’t been given our platter so assume the offer has changed. However, the meal was lovely regardless. We shared some of it; for example, I had some of Harley’s sweet & sour sauce and chips and they had some of Mum’s shredded chicken. Usually, whenever we used to order there was always dishes everyone wanted some of so it just made sense to share things if more than one person wanted it, rather than buying far too much. For the first time in a long time, when everyone had finished, after a couple of us had second helpings, there was hardly any food left over. Mostly, there’s always some stored in the fridge for someone’s lunch the following day. Everyone thanked Kieran lots because it had been a lovely meal and nice of him to offer to pay. I think Mum was especially grateful; she was starting to feel the tiredness of the night before catching up on her and seemed relieved she didn’t have to cook. That evening, we watched Jools Holland, DIY SOS, Gavin & Stacey and Naked Attraction. Introducing Mum and Simon to the audio description on Naked Attraction was very amusing. When Kieran and I went up to bed, we watched some Friday Night Dinner outtakes on YouTube.

Wednesday meant the last full day of our visit. On Thursday morning, we were catching the train at just after 10 so wouldn’t have any time to do anything. Mum and Simon took Suggs to his grooming appointment while we got up and sorted ourselves out. When they got back, they said they were going into town to get some bits done so I decided to go with them. Both Harley and Kieran said they didn’t want to come. We went to the bank, Pound Land, Primark, Wilco and McDonalds. The last place was because we were feeling hungry. Kieran hasn’t yet let it go, feeling he was cheated out of lunch. As I’ve pointed out, we couldn’t exactly bring them McDonalds home. From town, it would be freezing by the time we got it there. I had a double cheese burger, chips and a mango smoothie. When we got back and I told Kieran what we’d done, he assumed Harley would agree with his outrage. Disappointingly for him, Harley wasn’t that bothered.

Later on, Kieran cheered up quite a bit as we headed for the Harvester in Whiteley. He’d been browsing the menu for the last few days trying to decide what to have. In the end, he had jalapeño poppers for a starter and the dirty bird burger — a beef burger with a hash brown, bacon onion rings, lettuce gherkins and bbq sauce in it — for his main. I had a salad bowl from the unlimited salad bar, potato skins and the belly pork which came with mash and green beans. I changed my beans to peas. Mum had a salad bowl and chargrilled chicken skewers with bourbon sauce, chips and flatbread. Simon also had the belly pork but kept his greeen beans. The food was absolutely delicious! It’s the first time I’ve been completely impressed by a Harvester meal in quite a while. The fact that everyone else thoroughly enjoyed theirs proved my point. If I was choosing somewhere to go for a meal, I’d definitely go back there again soon as the service was great too, despite the fact that they were fully booked.

When we arrived back, we put Gavin & Stacey on Gold again but discovered they’d skipped to a completely diffferent part of the story from where we’d watched the previous night. So, as Mum has never watched it before, we decided to start watching from the beginning. I’m hoping she’s continued to watch.

The following morning, we got up early to make sure we had enough time to get ready and go to the train station. Originally, we were going to catch the bus straight there but then Mum said they’d give us a lift and squeeze in a McDonalds breakfast too. Obviously none of us were going to turn that down. The breakfast was lovely, especially the hash brown as always, and I was glad we were able to get a proper breakfast before the long trip ahead. But that’s a separate story… Mum and Simon drove us from McDonalds to the train station where of course Josh was waiting, as we were a few minutes later than our scheduled time. But there wasn’t a problem, we still had plenty of time to catch our train. Saying goodbye to Mum was hard. It didn’t feel like we’d had long together at all. But she’d had a great holiday and I was so glad; after the 18 months or so she’s been through she deserves it. Of course I wish we could have spent more time together. But hopefully next time we will. Giving her a big hug goodbye and walking away with Josh and Harley towards our awesome weekend ahead, I was so grateful to have come down for a visit, so glad I’d had such a great time and seen as many people as much as I could. It won’t be long, Southampton, and I’ll be back visiting again.

A whole month part 2: “Bath bombs and tampons” … “I need to eat to move my dinner”

So, here goes part 2 of my month-long marathon of blogging. As mentioned last in part 2, after we’d packed everything up and were ready to go, Dad came and collected us at 6:30 and took us to the airport. Together, he and T guided us to the special assistance desk where lovely special assistance man Jose was able to take us straight through to baggage control. I managed to stall our progress by forgetting to take my Braille display out of my bag and then finding the rules have changed and hairdryers now have to come out to be scanned separately too, apparently because the shape from the scanner looks suspicious. Kieran joked that I held up the plane because it was pretty much full by the time we boarded. However, the lady scanning and sorting all the bags seemed rather pleased about the braille display mishap because she used it as a training tool for her new employee, happy that they’d now recognise a similar item in the future.

Onboard my very first Logan Air flight we had lovely air hostess Deborah who showed us all the safety equipment and brought me a bottle of water when I explained I needed to take my medication. Also, we were treated to a mid flight drink and biscuit if we wanted; I didn’t have anything but Kieran went for a shortbread. It was a nice smooth flight to Newcastle and I enjoyed just sitting listening to music. When we arrived, landing at 9:06, Lesley was waiting for us and drove us back to theirs. Unfortunately, the lovely Wilson wasn’t to keen on my presence in the house… wasn’t happy about someone new intruding into his pack. I, on the other hand, was thrilled to discover we were having Lesley’s lovely jacket potatoes for dinner. This meal is where the second quote used for my blog title comes from: I meant to say, because Wilson barked at me, that I needed to move to eat my dinner. But as does sometimes happen these days, between my brain and mouth the words got jumbled and it came out muddled. The worst part being, I didn’t even realise I’d said it. It was only Kieran laughing and pointing out what I’d said that made me realise. While we ate dinner we watched Hell’s Kitchen.

Tuesday meant it was back to work for Kieran. Once I was up and showered, Kieran took me downstairs, which we thought was less likely to provoke Wilson, and made us tea. Unfortunately, Wilson was still miffed about my presence. I spent the majority of the day reading audiobooks while Lesley, Rebecca and kieran worked and John watched telly, being signed off sick from work after an operation. That evening, we had burger and chips for dinner before Lesley and Rebecca went out. Kieran, John and I watched The Hit List, Frankie Boyle’s New World Order, Joe Lycett vs the Big Oil Giant, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and Rangernation. When we went up to bed, we watched one of Gary Delaney’s stand up shows.

Wednesday was similar to Tuesday in that I read while everyone, except John of course, was busy working and we had sandwiches for lunch. I was enjoying just being able to sit and read my books nonstop, though. It always makes time pass quickly and usually I’m far too absorbed in the story to realise how much of the day has passed by already. Later, Rebecca and Lesley took Wilson out for a walk, joined by Kieran’s auntie Gill and her dog Bailey, who were also up visiting from the south coast. Wilson seemed to have thawed out a little towards me during the evening because he took a treat from my hand, brought me his ball to throw more after I’d done it a couple of times and kept wandering over to sniff at me. We had chicken curry, rice, chips, naan bread and poppadoms for dinner; it was very nice. I partly listened but then watched the Preston vs Liverpool EFL cup match, which Liverpool won 2-0. Afterwards, we watched Hell’s Kitchen and Young Sheldon.

I spent Thursday doing more reading. That day, Lesley was working in the office so Kieran made us ham sandwiches for lunch. Wilson continued to investigate me by taking more treats from me and sitting beside me a few times. Once Kieran had finished his work meeting, I went upstairs and we watched the Ed Sheeran Jumpers for Goalposts film. I particularly enjoyed the part where Elton John is talking about Ed and when he duets onstage with Ed during Ed’s 3 night run at Wembley in 2015. Afterwards, we watched The Chase and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, again being shown on ITV2, and agreed it was the “shitest film of the series”. We had spaghetti bolognese for dinner and spent the evening watching 24 hours In Police Custody and more Hell’s Kitchen.

Friday meant it was Lesley’s day off and Kieran’s grandparents weekly visit. It was lovely seeing them again. I spent the rest of the day finishing one book I’d been reading and starting another. We enjoyed Lesley’s homemade bacon and leak quiche for lunch. In the afternoon, after waiting for Kieran’s vinyl copy to arrive and being disappointed it hadn’t, we finally listened to Ed Sheeran’s new album Equals, which had been released at midnight. I wasn’t massively impressed, feeling a bit sad about how different it was to his other albums. I had liked the song First Times, though, and had loved Visiting Hours when it’d been released. Although Bad Habits and Shivers didn’t seem that good on first listen, they’d both grown on me a lot since; I was hoping the album would too after I’d heard it a few more times. After the album finished, Kieran put some Spotify playlists on shuffle to listen to. Later, Kieran’s auntie Gill and her husband Martin came round so we could all have takeaway Chinese together. It was great to see them after only meeting them a couple of times before. The food was lovely, even though my chicken balls were huge and I couldn’t eat them all. After Gill and Martin left, we watched Gogglebox and Hell’s Kitchen.

Saturday meant no work for Kieran so a lie in. Lesley cooked us sausage, chips and beans when we came down for lunch. The afternoon was full of football with Kieran listening to Newcastle vs Chelsea, which Chelsea won 3-0, and I listened to Liverpool vs Brighton which drew 2-2. Just after the football finished, Lesley, Rebecca, Kieran and I left for Chris Ramsey’s 2020 tour comedy show, picking Gill up on the way. Chris and his support act Carl Hutchinson were both hilarious and I don’t think any of us stopped laughing all evening. When we got home, Kieran ordered a takeaway because everyone was a little bit hungry. Kieran and Rebecca had pizzas, Lesley had a kebab and I had nuggets and chips.

We had another lie in on Sunday, before having the leftover doughnuts we’d ordered with the takeaway for our breakfast. We listened to Ed Sheeran’s Equals album again and I found I didn’t dislike it quite so much this time. Kieran did some DJing with the equipment set up on his desk. Afterwards, we watched the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part 1) before going downstairs and having roast pork with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, carrots, broccoli, cabbage and lovely crunchy crackling for dinner. Afterwards, while Kieran had a bath I watched Family Fortunes. Then, we decided to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (part 2) because it’d started just as we’d gone down for dinner.

On Monday morning, Rebecca bought Greggs sausage rolls for everyone for breakfast. While Wilson went to day school and Kieran and Lesley worked, I read more of my book. I had a pork sandwich and Kieran had leftover Chinese takeaway for lunch. Once Kieran had finished work, we watched Come Dine With Me, The Chase and Judge Judy. That night, we had chicken and chips for dinner and watched Rangernation, 2 episodes of The Last Leg and 24 Hours In Police Custody. The episode was focused on shaken baby syndrome cases, where one of the cases was never resolved and the other resulted in the father only being charged for grievous bodily harm with a 3 year prison sentence despite the baby being left needing 24 hour foster care for however long it lives. It just reminded me I can’t believe how cruel people can be and how little they get punished.

The next morning, I phoned Tamsin while they walked to their bus stop to catch the college bus. They had their first GCSE maths reset exam and I wanted to wish them luck. Afterwards, I continued reading my book while Kieran worked. He made us pork and bbq sauce sandwiches for lunch. Later, I chatted to Tamsin while they walked home from college. They seemed pretty pleased with how their exam had gone, saying they’d written answers to all the questions. Once Kieran had finished work, we watched more The Chase and Judge Judy. When Lesley came home from working late, we had fish cakes, new potatoes and peas for dinner. We watched Frankie Boyle’s New World Order and Have I Got News For You.

Another book was finished on Wednesday and I started reading Julie Walters autobiography, something I’d been looking forward to reading for quite a while. We ate the lovely leftover garlic bread from Saturday night’s takeaway warmed up for lunch. Once Kieran had finished work, we watched more of The Chase, Judge Judy and a Chase Celebrity Special before going downstairs for a dinner of garlic kievs, Lesley’s lovely jacket potatoes and more peas for dinner. Tasty as always. We watched Liverpool vs Atletico Madrid which Liverpool won 2-0, Young Sheldon and Rangernation.

Julie Walters autobiography was finished on Thursday so I started yet another book. That evening Lesley cooked southern fried chicken and pasta with sausage chunks in a tomato sauce. It was very nice. We watched Hell’s Kitchen, Never Mind The Buzzcocks and League Of Their Own.

Friday meant Kieran’s grandparents weekly visit, again lovely to see them. Lesley bought chicken bakes from Greggs for lunch, with Yumyum doughnuts for later. Later on, Lesley, John and Wilson went to spend the weekend at the caravan while Kieran and I stayed in. That evening, we watched The Chase and Southampton vs Aston Villa, which Saints won 1-0. Then, Kieran ordered takeaway from Sambuca’s, which I’d been looking forward to since he’d suggested it earlier in the week. I had my favourite tuna and garlic pizza, of course, and Kieran had a meat feast pizza with added Chilis. We decided to get sides, curly fries for me and chips for Kieran, and shared a garlic bread. As always, the food was delicious and I was so happy to have my favourite pizza again. It tasted just as nice having it as a takeaway but the atmosphere of having it in the restaurant probably makes it just a little nicer. While we ate, we watched some episodes of Friday Night Dinner series 6, as I think I’ve only watched that series once or twice. A little later, we ordered some pudding from a dessert place Kieran recommended, Movie Foods. I decided to be a bit of a pig, ordering treats to last me the rest of the weekend, and persuaded Kieran to do the same. Southampton doesn’t seem to have pudding takeaway places and the few I’ve found are crazily expensive. Obviously, like everything else up north, their dessert places have reasonable prices. Kieran chose chocolate fudge cake, school cake, a lotus biscoff milkshake and a can of Fanta fruit twist, something neither of us had seen for a long time. I went for a white chocolate buttons cheesecake; the crunchy cookie dough which had Nutella, white chocolate sauce, Cadbury’s crunchy pieces, maltesers and smarties; Reese’s peanut butter milkshake; and a Cadbury’s caramel milkshake. That evening, Kieran ate his fudge cake and drank his biscoff milkshake and I ate some of my cookie dough and drank my Reese’s milkshake, all delicious. We watched Gogglebox and Lee Evans XL tour.

On Saturday morning, we led in bed and watched a Ramsay’s 24 Hours To Hell And Back before getting up, having showers and eating breakfast, a Yumyum and cup of tea for me and sausage roll with a cup of tea for Kieran. Kieran’s vinyl copy of the Ed Sheeran Equals album finally arrived so we listened to that. Turns out I rather love it now. Then, we watched Manchester United vs Manchester City which City won 2-0. After that, we listened to Brighton vs Newcastle which ended in a draw. Once the football finished, Kieran ordered us takeaway fish and chips for dinner since I’d mentioned the other day how I rarely have fish and chips any more, the last time when we went with Josh to the fish and chip restaurant on the beach last time we visited. Kieran had a smoky sausage and mince pie with chips, I had a pineapple ring and chips and we shared a portion of chicken nuggets. We watched the rest of Friday Night Dinner series 6 and some horse racing while we ate. Afterwards, I ate the rest of my cookie dough from the night before and we watched The Last Leg. Upstairs, we watched Lee Mack’s Hit The Road Mack comedy DVD.

For breakfast on Sunday, Kieran cooked us bacon sandwiches on the George Forman. We also finished our takeaway puddings. We watched Have I Got News For You, The Simpsons and Road Wars. After that, it was the Arsenal vs Watford match which Arsenal won 1-0. Not long later, everyone arrived home. Lesley made turkey pineapple curry with rice and naan bread for dinner and I was in heaven. Not even Liverpool losing their first match this season to West Ham could spoil it. After watching an episode of Hell’s Kitchen, we went upstairs and watched The Chase, Jimmy Carr’s Making People Laugh comedy DVD and Ricky Gervais Politics comedy DVD.

Monday meant back to work for Kieran. Lesley was also working in the office. John and I made oat and raisin cookies together with the help of Kieran’s talking kitchen scales and John’s patience with my baking cluelessness. The cookie recipe comes from one of the Hairy Bikers cookery books and was very simple. This made me download free recipe books from the RNIB library. Later, I phoned Tamsin to see how Coco is doing now S’s new dog has moved in. Not great was the answer. When Kieran finished work for the day, we watched Come Dine With Me, The Chase and Judge Judy. John made non-spicy enchiladas for dinner, something I don’t remember trying before, and they were very nice and extremely filling. We watched new Master Chef and then a program called Ridley Road, focusing on a Jewish woman in 1960s Britain where the far right are still persecuting Jewish people. It seemed quite interesting but tricky to follow.

Tuesday saw me finish another book, this one a fiction about people living during the second World War (War Girls by Rosie James). Then, I moved on to read a whole book about a boy with autism from his mother’s perspective. Later, we all went over to see the flat. It’s moved forward a lot since I saw it in September. Kieran has floor down in his office, John has pretty much finished the painting and the hob now works. Lots of other bits have been done too. When we got back, Kieran and I went and watched The Chase and Judge Judy in his room before coming back down for dinner of sausage ragu, another new experience for me. We had it with Lesley’s jacket potato, safe to say I enjoyed both very much. After the meal, I went upstairs to speak to Mum and Dad on the phone so didn’t watch much TV that night.

I was looking for a new book to read on Wednesday morning and decided to start rereading Malorie Blackman’s Noughts and Crosses series, something I’d loved reading during school and college. She’s just released the final instalment of the series and when adding several new books to my library, I’d noticed it was in the new releases section. As it’s been so long since I read the series, I thought I might as well reread the whole thing before finishing with the final story. Again, after Kieran had finished work, we watched The Chase and Judge Judy upstairs. Then, we had pork stroganoff for dinner, which Kieran tells me I’ve tried before but I don’t remember having. Either way, it was very tasty and another meal to add to my liked dinners list. We watched The Hit List, another episode of Ridley Road and Young Sheldon.

Thursday meant my stay with Lesley and John had come to an end. During the day, I finished the first book in the Noughts and Crosses series, read the little World Book Day 1.5 edition and then started the second book. As our flight wasn’t until the evening but we’d miss dinner up there, Lesley cooked us a lunch of sausage, bacon, beans, chips and onion rings. Strangely, our usual pre-flight dinner of sausage, chips and beans was even nicer with the bacon and onion rings. Once Kieran had finished work, we made sure we had everything packed for our flight. At 4:30, we loaded our bags into the car and headed for the airport, off back down south again…

A whole month Part 1: “He died and went to heaven and then God punched him in the face”

So, a bit of a different post this time, in the sense that usually I post a complete story of the time Kieran and I have spent together. I’m still going to do that, although this time it’ll be split into 3 separate posts simply because there’s so much to write… until last Monday when he flew home for the final time, Kieran and I spent the longest time we’ve ever managed together. Since the beginning of our relationship in 2016, we’ve known we’d be grabbing any chance available to spend time together but more than likely that’d be fleeting weekends and a couple of weeks at a time if we were really lucky. Ive been very lucky that Kieran’s parents have let me stay at theirs for increasingly longer amounts of time every time I visit. Mum would also do the same for Kieran if work commitments allowed for him to stay that long. However, me staying at theirs means he doesn’t have to take so much time off. With working from home the new normal, I’ve been able to see him much more than I ever did anyway. But this time, all the way back in mid October which seems so long ago now, Kieran and I started our longest run of time together, exactly 1 month, when he flew down to Southampton on Monday 18 October. Originally, before the pandemic hit and lockdown came into being, along with Josh we’d booked some more comedy shows. These are usually an excuse for Kieran to come and stay. But, because of all the rearrangements due to lockdown preventing anything from happening, all our comedy shows were rescheduled to take place within weeks of each other. First, Kieran, Josh and I had Ed Byrne at Southampton Guildhall; then Kieran and I, with Lesley, Rebecca and Kieran’s auntie Gill, had Chris Ramsey at the Utilita arena in Newcastle; finally Josh, Kieran and I had John Bishop again at the Guildhall. This meant quite a lot of travelling, especially for Kieran. In this post, I’ll write about our time when Kieran came to stay for Ed Byrne. Then, in the following two posts, I’ll write about my time in Newcastle and then Kieran’s return trip to Southampton a few weeks later.

So, on Monday 18 October, after what seemed a very long 5 weeks since we’d last seen each other, Kieran boarded a plane from Newcastle to Southampton, where Dad, M, T and I met him at the airport. Because the parking charges are so high and my disabled parking badge hasn’t yet been renewed, Dad didn’t really want to park in the usual airport car park. So, while T and I went into the airport to wait for Kieran’s arrival, Dad drove around for a bit to see if he could find a cheaper spot. At exactly 14 minutes past 7, a special assistance member of staff walked Kieran through to us. As always, it was great to see him and we had a big hug.

When we arrived home, Mum and S were in from work and Mum had stew and dumplings all ready for dinner. It was very nice.

On Tuesday, in the spirit of Kieran being on holiday, we had a long lie in before dragging ourselves out of bed, showering and having our lunch, cheese sandwiches left by Mum with bbq pringles and halloween edition orange fondant fancies cakes. Afterwards, Kieran found Gavin & Stacey showing on TV so we watched that followed by Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Then, we listened to the champions league match between Club Brugge and Manchester City, which ended 5-1 to Manchester City. During the match, after promising there weren’t too many bugs and I wouldn’t be thrown by any of the new features, Kieran updated my iPad software to iOS 15. Thankfully, as he said, I mostly haven’t had any problems with the new features, except that the new Focus mode doesn’t work quite how I thought it should and somehow my Bluetooth keyboard doesn’t type any more… luckily, these are things I can work around. For dinner, Mum cooked lamb, chicken and beef burgers with toppings and skinny fries. Chicken and lamb burgers with cheese, pineapple and mushrooms for me; beef and lamb burgers with cheese and lettuce for Kieran; beef and lamb burgers with cheese, cucumber and a little bit of lettuce for T. We listened to Atletico Madrid vs Liverpool in the champions league, which finished 3-2 to Liverpool; this meant I was of course very happy with the score, especially as the match included almost all the craziness any match can have, including: a penalty, a penalty being ruled out by VAR, a red card, yellow cards and the Atletico Madrid manager leaving the pitch without shaking Liverpool manager Klopp’s hand at the end of the match. It was eventful to say the least and very entertaining. Upstairs, we listened to compilation videos of Friday Night Dinner best bits.

On Wednesday morning, we watched more Gavin & Stacey before having the ham sandwiches Mum had made for our lunch. At 3pm, Grandad arrived to take us to his house for the weekly Wednesday dinner with himself and Nan. Before dinner, we watched The Chase. Nan had made cottage and shepherds pie for dinner; as always, it was lovely. When we got home, Kieran listened to the Manchester United vs Atalanta champions league match, which Manchester United won 3-2. Afterwards, we watched even more Gavin & Stacey.

On Thursday morning, we had tea and biscuits for breakfast and finished watching Gavin & Stacey. It was good to see it again, it never gets old. That afternoon, we ordered takeaway from Southampton Grill so that we’d had a meal before our comedy show that night. Kieran had a mixed kebab and chips with a tango orange, I had donner meat and chips, we shared some mozzarella sticks and ordered T a cheese burger and chips which she had when she arrived home from college. At 6pm, we left home and caught the bus into town, where Josh was waiting for us. He guided us to the Guildhall, where we sat in the square chatting for a while because we were even early for doors opening. You can always rely on Josh to get you somewhere in plenty of time. Safe to say I don’t think I’ve ever been anywhere with Josh and been late. When doors opened and we headed inside, I had a bit of a muddle showing my covid pass. I thought they’d accept my vaccine card but they wanted the pass stored in the NHS app on my phone. For some reason, I couldn’t find it so, in the end, they allowed me through on seeing my card. Once we were sat in our seats, I found that I did indeed have the app as I’d known I did and the boys showed me how to add the pass to the wallet on my phone, which is really easy to get onscreen whenever I need it. Ed Byrne was very funny with his If I’m Honest show. I’d been a bit apprehensive before the show, wondering if I actually found him funny. As it’s quite a while since I’ve watched his comedy, definitely way before the lockdown probably with Kieran at some point, I couldn’t actually remember if I liked him or not; that’s another thing epilepsy has broken in my memory. But I was glad to find that the boys had been right and I enjoyed the show very much. A line from the show is what gave this post it’s title, probably the funniest line of the whole thing. Just like it had been for the Sarah Millican and Chris & Rosie Ramsey podcast shows, it was so great to be out seeing live comedy again with the boys. It’ll never get boring.

On Friday, we had another long lie in before having more tea and biscuits for breakfast. For the rest of the morning, Kieran sorted my laptop out, starting updates and checking settings. Later, T, Kieran and I headed into town for a date afternoon +1. As we didn’t think we’d be able to have a regular date night this time, we thought we’d go out for dinner and use T as our guide. Of course, we weren’t going to tell her to go away as soon as we got to the restaurant so she became our +1. We chose Ed’s Easy Diner in West Quay because Kieran had never been and T had glowing reviews after going with friends the previous week. On arrival, we were told they didn’t have any chicken, which was a bit of a disappointment as half of their menu was chicken-based. However, we soon found alternatives. Kieran chose hot wings, the smoky Joe burger (beef burger with bacon, cheese and bbq sauce), cheese & bacon loaded chips and a vanilla milkshake. T had macaroni cheese, cheese & bacon fries and a mud pie milkshake. Unfortunately, they didn’t realise the macaroni cheese was just a side rather than a full portion but the size of the loaded chips more than made up for it. I went for the smoky Joe burger as well but with ordinary chips and a Go Bananas milkshake. The milkshakes were delicious. And huge! Mine had peanut butter milkshake topped by salted caramel sauce and pieces of banana. We were going to have puddings but were absolutely stuffed after one course and the shakes. Kieran treated us to the meal.

That evening, we watched The Chase and part of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets which was on ITV2. Afterwards, T joined us to watch Gogglebox.

On Saturday morning, Mum made us tasty sausage sandwiches for breakfast. Then, the rest of the day was full of football matches which we listened to on Talksport: Chelsea vs Norwich 7-0, Crystal Palace vs Newcastle 1-1 and Brighton vs Manchester City which Man City won 4-1. Then, after some thought, we realised we could have a date night if we paid for Dad and T to have a meal out too. M was working so they couldn’t go together and we didn’t think it was fair for us to get Dad to take us out then go home to wait in his flat on his own for us to finish when he could then come and pick us up and take us home. Kieran and I had agreed on Nando’s after having such a good date night there in July and a lovely Nando’s in Newcastle with Josh in September. Meanwhile, T was very excited that she was finally going to have a Harvester, agreed by Dad. Unfortunately, when we arrived in Whiteley, Harvester wasn’t open. We weren’t sure whether it could be having an upgrade or if there was staff shortages due to covid but T and Dad definitely weren’t having it for their dinner. In the end, they settled on the burger restaurant Five Guys, somewhere neither of them had been before. So, armed with my bank card, they left us at a table in Nando’s and went to see if they liked it. This time, Kieran chose the double pitta, instead of his usual burger, with hot sauce and peri salted chips. I went for my classic double wrap with lemon and herb sauce and peri salted chips. After looking through the menu earlier and seeing you can add extras to your meal, I decided to add some pineapple to my wrap and made sure, when I was customising it with the waitress, that I left the chilli jam in after discovering how lovely it was in July. We also got a portion of halloumi sticks, something I’ve also discovered I like a lot, and an extra pot of chilli jam for my chips. Kieran had beer and I had coke 0. As the meal had been so lovely, we decided we’d finish it off with pudding. I had salted caramel brownie with coconut ice cream and Kieran went for vanilla frozen yoghurt. After we’d finished, Dad and T came to collect us. It turned out they’d had a great meal too, topped off by the fact that it’d been free due to it being their first time at Five Guys. So it really had been a lovely evening all round. Nando’s Whiteley always seems to cook the food just right and the service is always amazing.

After Dad dropped us off at home, with very full bellies and that feeling of contentment that comes after a delicious dinner, Kieran and I watched Chris Ramsey’s All Growed Up show in preparation for seeing him live the following week. It was very funny.

We had tea and toast for breakfast on Sunday and Kieran spent the day working on stuff on my laptop and iPad. We watched more of The Chase. Mum cooked roast pork with roast potatoes, mash potato, cauliflower, Yorkshire puddings, green beans, carrot & swede and sliced carrots for dinner. Again, another tasty meal. We listened to more football, Manchester United vs Liverpool on BBC Radio 5live, which Liverpool won 5-0, a very pleased me of course. Later, we watched Josh Widdicombe’s What Do I Do Now stand up DVD.

Monday meant we’d come to the end of our first week and the end of our first stint in Southampton. We had another lie in but once we were up, we ordered Dominoes for the three of us. It was half term for T and of course they were more than keen to partake in the afternoon treat. I thought it was a nice way to celebrate in a little way her getting through their first half term at college. They don’t agree but I think they’ve settled in really well and adjusted to the step up in education level. They’ve made new friends and travels independently to and from college campus, something they’ve always been very nervous to do. Our feast arrived and we tucked in. Kieran had the Meat Fielder pizza and T & I had Create Your Own: I chose a bbq Italian-style base with pineapple, sweet corn, sausage and hot dog slices; T had a bbq original base with chicken breast strips, meatballs and garlic spread. We bought garlic bread, chicken strippers, potato wedges, normal cookies and their limited edition After Eight mint cookies. While we were being greedy pigs, we watched The Chase and a little bit of Judge Judy. Annoyingly, I didn’t enjoy my pizza as much as I usually do. I’d been really keen to have a Dominoes as I usually love it. But I think my change in sauce and toppings disappointed me because it wasn’t as nice. Normally, I stick to a Create Your Own with tuna, sweet corn, mushrooms and garlic spread with Italian-style base. It’s a poor alternative to my favourite tuna and garlic pizza at Sambuca Blyth, my favourite restaurant up there, but was the best available option during lockdown when I was starved of my favourite. Turns out the Dominoes version is lovely, though, just nowhere near as much as the Sambuca option. Next time, I’ll remember to stick to what I like best.

After we’d finished our food, somehow managing to eat nearly all of it, it was time to head upstairs and check we had everything packed for our flight. Kieran was marvelling at how much he’d enjoyed the After Eight cookies, which T on the other hand had declared disgusting. While sorting our stuff, I received a call from a lady I didn’t know from Guide Dogs. She’s taken over the role of another member of staff and was calling in to check in with me. A few days earlier, I’d been talking to my friend Tiny and he’d advised once I returned from my trip up north it’d be the right time to inform Guide Dogs of my planned move to Blyth sometime in the new year. So getting the call from this lady seemed as good a time as any to let them know. I’d been dreading it, thinking maybe I’d be taken off the list in Southampton due to my imminent departure. However, I was very surprised to find I can stay active on the list and they’ll continue to look for a match until I leave. She said when I know my moving date to get back in touch with her and she’ll start the process of moving me to the Newcastle team so they can be looking for a match up there. I’m not 100% sure yet whether I’ll be suspended on the list in Newcastle until I have enough routes to meet the criteria for working a dog. This lady didn’t seem to think so. I’ve also more recently been told by the head of the My Guide program for Southampton that once I know when I’m moving she can get in touch with the head of My Guide for Newcastle so they can find me a My Guide volunteer asap to help with route learning up there. Of course, nobody will compare to the lovely Jenny. I was also informed that as I’ve been on the waiting list over 2 years — now actually 3 including the suspended period which seems to count as well — I’m in the priority 1 category which is reserved for those needing replacement dogs. So overall, a very positive call that left me feeling a little more reassured about the situation.

Once we were sure we were all set, it was time to wait for Dad to take us to the airport and head up north in the air…