“It’s whatsit time” … “leave my bowl alone!”

At the end of December last year, it was time for another trip down south, this time so that Kieran and I could spend Christmas with my side of the family. Last year, we spent Christmas with his side before I flew down to spend new year with mine. Rotating between the two seems like the best solution so that we both spend Christmas with both families.

 

So on 20^th December, John and Lesley took Kieran and I to the airport, where we waited quite a while for assistance to collect us and escort us through security onto the plane. It was soon clear why. There were several passengers requiring special assistance and they didn’t have enough staff to deal with all of us. Eventually, we were onboard, after a delay due to a fault with the plane. Originally, I thought I heard someone saying it was something to do with the engine, which wasn’t very reassuring. But at the end of the flight, while we waited for Southampton assistance staff to come and get us, Kieran overheard the flight crew saying that it had been an issue with the oxygen masks. Obviously, they’d made sure everything was working correctly before we flew. But they mentioned that there was a point where they were considering abandoning the flight for the evening. I was very grateful they hadn’t, although of course I wouldn’t want to travel if it wasn’t safe.

 

Southampton were quite slow in assisting us, too. As the flight had landed later than scheduled, they were assisting another plane when we landed. Then, they didn’t have that many staff to help such a high number of assistance passengers. This really showed when the man helping us was guiding Kieran and I whilst pushing another passenger in their wheelchair. This was complicated further by the two suitcases Kieran and I collected, which we wheeled through to arrivals ourselves. Thankfully, Dad, Sam and Harley were waiting in arrivals so there were enough people to guide and pull cases. Even better, when we arrived at Mum’s, she had chicken stew straight out of the slow cooker for our dinner. It was very nice and definitely much needed after the craziness of the journey.

 

The following morning, Mum and I took a trip on the bus into town to finish the last-minute bits of Christmas shopping I needed to do. We took Greggs home for lunch: sausage rolls for Mum and I, a festive bake for Kieran and a chicken bake for Harley. That evening, we watched Notting Hill  while eating Papa Johns pizza which Kieran had ordered for everyone. Mum and Harley had recommended it as they’d really enjoyed it recently so we decided to go for it as it’d been ages since Kieran and I had tried it. It was very nice, especially the garlic bread.

 

Friday was a quiet day at Mum’s. In the morning, Jenny popped over so we could exchange Christmas gifts. Usually, she’d pop in for a coffee and a catch up but she’d caught a bit of a cold and didn’t want to pass it on. Hopefully, we’ll be able to catch up properly next time I’m down. That night, Mum cooked a big picky bits dinner for everyone which included mini duck spring rolls, TGI Fridays Jack Daniels sesame chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, jalapeno bites, mini kiev balls, chicken skewers, cheese and pineapple sticks, potato salad, coleslaw and other bits. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed it and it went down very nicely while we watched the festive movies Elf and Love Actually. Before I moved away, it used to be our Christmas Eve tradition to have a picky bits dinner after Mum had come home from work and watch Christmas films, although back then it used to be Polar Express and Love Actually. But everyone except me voted for Elf instead of Polar Express this year. We weren’t able to do the tradition on Christmas Eve itself because we were spending the day at Dad’s as an extra Christmas day with him. As it was Simon’s first night off and we were also all busy the following day, Friday night seemed the perfect night for it. It certainly made it feel much more like Christmas.

 

At half past 12 on Saturday, the three of us met Nan in Woolston and went for lunch at Subway. Since Grandad passed away in November, Nan has been trying to get out and about and spend as much time with people as possible. Although she says she’s fine, she’s also admitted it is very lonely in their bungalow by herself. When Grandad first passed away, Nan immediately leapt into productive mode, getting everything organised and sorted out. I think it took until after his funeral for her to really start coming to terms with the fact that he was really gone. I think keeping herself busy had been her way of coping to begin with but she had to face it at some point. 60 years is a long time to spend loving one person and they’d been so happy for so long. Even in his last year after his stroke, Nan was by his side through everything, looking after him the best she was able to. She did an amazing job, even though she’s honest and admits it was hard. But even though he was poorly, he was still there, still company for her even if conversation wasn’t really possible. I think adjusting to being by herself in the bungalow has been the toughest thing for Nan since losing him. She says the hardest part is when she’s spent all day having a nice time with people but then has to return to the empty bungalow by herself. That’s why I wanted to make sure we spent the extra time with her. I hate the thought of her being lonely and want to make sure I make the effort to spend as much time with her as possible. I always used to make sure I saw her and Grandad as much as I could before but I think it’s even more important now she’s on her own.

 

We had a nice lunch in Subway and just sat chatting for a while before it was time to catch the bus to Nan’s house. It feels very strange being in the bungalow without Grandad there. Although he spent the last 10 months in his bed in one room, it almost feels like he’s going to wander down the hallway and say hello at any moment. Of course, that will never happen. Thankfully, Auntie Clare joined us with Teddy, filling up the emptiness a little bit more. Teddy certainly kept the spirits up with his mad dashing around. Auntie Clare helped Nan hang some of her Christmas cards up on the strings pinned to the wall the way Grandad always used to before his stroke. Again, it was another reminder that he wasn’t there to do it anymore but at the same time it brought back fond memories of all the years he had. In 2022, Nan hadn’t had the strings up at all because Grandad had been too wobbly on his feet to do it and definitely couldn’t have after the stroke. Thankfully, Nan had spent that Christmas staying at Dad’s so hadn’t been alone and was closer to the hospital to see Grandad.

 

Later on, Dad and Michelle popped in to collect their Christmas meats which they’d been storing in Nan’s freezer. Also, Michelle presented Nan with the memory book she and Harley had made for Nan with loads of photos of Grandad. I think Nan was a bit overwhelmed but it was a really thoughtful gesture and Michelle had made it really beautiful, with funny little comments captioning the photos and little craft decorations filling the blank space. I know when Nan feels ready she’ll treasure it. There’s some blank pages left at the back so hopefully she’ll choose some of her own favourite photos of Grandad’s life to add. Nan had also put together a bag of his clothes for me because I want to get a patchwork memory blanket made so that I have something to properly remember him with. The bag includes Southampton FC shirts, some polo shirts and jumpers as well as a pair of Grandad’s trademark grey trousers and a “best Grandad” hankie I’d bought him a few years earlier. I’m hoping the blanket will be very special and something I can have near me when I’m missing him most.

 

After the Liverpool vs Arsenal game ended in a 1-1 draw and Dad and Michelle had left, we ordered a Chinese takeaway for everyone to share. We watched some of Paddington and Gavin & Stacey while we ate. The food was very Nice and even Teddy cheekily enjoyed the chicken out of a chicken ball.

 

The next day was Christmas Eve and our first Christmas day really, spent with Dad, Michelle, Nan and Sam. Michelle was working Christmas Day night so didn’t feel like cooking a full Christmas dinner that day. As well as this, Nan was spending Christmas Day with Auntie Clare and we’d be with Mum. So Christmas Eve was the perfect opportunity to get everyone together to celebrate. Before that, though, Dad picked Nan then the three of us up and we went to Lidl to pick some flowers. Then, we headed to the crematorium to wish Grandad a merry Christmas. There were loads of flowers people had bought for loved ones and strangely it felt very festive adding ours. We walked to where they’d scattered Grandad’s ashes, near the plaques Nan and her brother had paid to have put up for Nanny Olive, Grandad Ken, Auntie Gwen and Uncle Harry. At some point we’re going to get one added for Grandad as well as possibly having a bench put down Weston shore in his memory. That was one of his favourite places and where him and Nan had spent a lot of their time when they were first together; some of his ashes are also scattered there. It felt good that we’d wished Grandad a merry Christmas, like we were including him in our festive celebrations for the day.

 

When we got to Dad’s, we all found somewhere to sit before exchanging presents. As usual, everyone got very spoilt. Sam had made a festive playlist which helped the festive atmosphere. Later, we very much enjoyed Michelle’s roast dinner and it was lovely to just sit and relax, all of us talking about all sorts. We all giggled about how Dad had been wearing his Grinch pyjamas all day, even when he’d picked us up and we’d gone to the crematorium. We all agreed Grandad would have thought it was very funny.

 

On Christmas morning, we got up around 8 and went downstairs to open presents from Mum. As always, she’d bought far too much. But we’d been able to do the same for her. A little later, Simon’s daughters arrived to open theirs. During the day, we watched Sing 2, the king’s Christmas broadcast and Toy Story 4. We enjoyed our second very tasty Christmas dinner around 4. In the evening, we watched Christmas specials of The Hit List, Masked Singer and The Wheel whilst enjoying Christmas chocolates and goodies from the big selection Mum had bought. Just like the day before, it had been a lovely day celebrating Christmas.

 

Boxing Day was a very relaxed day, except for Kieran’s fury at Newcastle losing to Nottingham Forest. I think Mum was a bit surprised about how much he shouted at the commentary. In the afternoon, while Beauty And The Beast (2017) was on, Mum gave us cold turkey, pork and gammon  with sausage meat, pigs in blankets, pickles beetroot and mash potato. It was very nice. I listened to Burnley vs Liverpool, which finished 2-0 to Liverpool, while Mum and Simon dozed watching The Lion King (2019) and Harley set up their new IPad. We had jelly and whip as a late pudding. Afterwards, Harley and I did face masks, which were among our presents from Mum and a lot of fun as Harley’s didn’t fit properly and mine made my face look silly.

 

The next morning, Mum and I went into town so I could buy the new Pandora bracelet I wanted as well as exchange a few items. Once we were home, Uncle Dave came to collect the four of us. We were extending the celebrations with him, Auntie Clare, Adam, Nan, Dad and Michelle at Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave’s. Originally, we’d thought Sam couldn’t come because she was working but she’d realised she finished around the time Dad and Michelle were planning to join us so they picked her up on their way. Again, we received some lovely gifts from Auntie Clare and Nan. Auntie Clare had made a spread including cold meats, garlic bread, crisps and puddings for us to enjoy. The funniest part was the addition of roast potatoes, although we all agreed it was a very good idea. The chocolate fudge cake made by Uncle Dave’s sister was delicious, too, but I felt like I might go into some kind of sugar coma afterwards, it was so sweet. Later on, Uncle Dave got their karaoke machine out and Nan, Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave, Dad and Harley thoroughly enjoyed singing along using the microphones. In between each song, Auntie Clare kept eating whatsits, which is where the first half of this blog title comes from. She kept announcing “it’s whatsit time”. The second half comes from Adam, who kept exclaiming “leave my bowl alone!” when Auntie Clare questioned whose it was and whether she could tidy it up. He explained how she’d kept doing this since he’d been home from uni. The funniest time he shouted this was from the downstairs loo when he somehow heard Auntie Clare mentioning the bowl he’d been using.

 

The last day of our visit had arrived. In the afternoon, we went for a meal with Simon’s family at Casa Brasil, where they serve your meats and side dishes at the table. There was some lovely food and I especially liked the cinnamon pineapple. Kieran and I agreed that although it was nice it’s probably not somewhere we’d return to as the menu is always the same so we’ve tried everything they have. Sadly, at just gone 6 Dad arrived to take us to the airport for our flight home. It’s always sad saying goodbye to everyone but we’d had such a nice time it didn’t seem quite as hard somehow. Our next visit is In February so not so far away. By then, Mum will be halfway through her course of chemotherapy and fingers crossed won’t be suffering too much with the side effects. As I write this, we’re already a week into 2024 and there’s a lot to look forward to this year. Hopefully, the chemo will be Mum’s last treatment for cancer and she’ll be able to start properly living her life again, including getting married at the end of June. If they’re lucky, hopefully Harley will find their first job and get their working life started. If I’m lucky, maybe that long awaited Guide Dog match will arrive. More than anything, I hope this year is a good one for everyone I care about. We had a really great time in Southampton spending Christmas with everyone. I’m so glad I managed to split my time quite well between everyone and especially that, despite everything, Nan seemed to enjoy Christmas. She was a little quiet at times but that’s understandable. It did feel sad without Grandad there. He used to sit in a corner and observe, joining in with comments in conversations when he felt he had something to contribute. It was his presence that was missing most, just having him there. But I’m sure he’d be glad Nan seemed to enjoy herself and is doing her best to make each day positive. Hopefully, as she adjusts to living without him this year, she’ll be able to continue enjoying herself and making the most of her time with her family. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone in February and finding out what this year brings for us all. Please, world, make it a good year.

You are “Always On My Mind”: a difficult visit down south with one final farewell

On the 7^th of November, it was time to head back down south again for another visit. Sadly, like last time, it wasn’t for good reasons. Firstly, as we’d found out in September, Mum’s cancer had returned and she required an operation to remove the mass and any infected tissue. Obviously, we were all pretty worried about this and upset at the fact that the cancer was back. Over the last two years, Mum has already had two operations and 6 sessions of chemotherapy. Of course, that’s already far too much. If it was possible, I’d make it so she never had cancer at all. But I can’t do that. For some reason, Mum’s body turned against her despite the fact that she’s never smoked and only has the occasional drink. She has a pretty good diet and is otherwise healthy. I guess her good luck just ran out. Having cancer for the third time in two years certainly isn’t lucky. However, there was a second sad reason I was going home. The flights and visit had originally been arranged so I’d be there when Mum had the operation so I could stay with Harley while Mum was in hospital and be there afterwards to help wherever I could while she recovered. But early on Sunday 5 November, I woke to my phone ringing. The caller ID said Dad. That could only mean one thing. At a few minutes to 7 in the morning, Dad was calling to break the news that my beloved Grandad John had passed away in his sleep only an hour or so before, Nan thinks. Grandad had a stroke in December 2022, which took away the last of his independence. At first, we’d been told it was only a minor stroke and that with time he should recover well. But after tests and scans, they found he’d had small bleeds on the brain and they think three mini strokes in total. He never did recover much. Initially, in hospital they had him feeding himself and were encouraging him to use his bad arm. But the support gradually declined until all Nan had, once Grandad came home in February, was carers four times a day and occasional physiotherapy sessions. Quite quickly, they decided he’d never regain use of his leg and they couldn’t do much for his arm, which had deteriorated. Eventually, he lost full use of his arm and Nan was doing everything for him, something he in his younger days wouldn’t have liked at all. He was a respectable gentleman who could look after himself, even if he did have a wife who helped him as much as she was able. Over these last nine months, Nan has done an incredible job of caring for Grandad. Other than giving him a full wash and change, she’s done everything else with very limited support. More than anything, she really appreciated that Michelle was a nurse with loads of helpful advice and suggestions she tried to make life easier for them both. By the end, Grandad slept most of the day, only managing a few mouthfuls of food and not speaking at all. Nan says he still had his own ways of communicating non-verbally and I know that reassured her a lot that he was still there. But things gradually got worse and worse, until Nan was told that they thought he was nearing the end. We’d been told 3 months maximum, which is what they say. We got a month from then to 5^th November. That day, I just felt numb. It was weird, we’d been expecting it for so long; but that didn’t make any difference. I just kept thinking “god, I’m never going to see him again”. I was due to fly to Southampton two days later and had been hoping he’d still be there, that Dad could take me straight from the airport so I could see him, really say goodbye even if it was only in my own head. But that wasn’t to be. 5 November 2023 was his time, apparently. I think that’s why, in my mind, I was more upset than I’d expected to be that day. We’d ran out of time. There were no more chances to see him; talk random nonsense to him hoping he was listening; hold his hand and feel him squeeze back even if only a little; just sit there in his room with the telly on, knowing that was all I could give him and hoping he knew I was there trying my best. Nan and Grandad fill my memories throughout my whole life. They’ve both been there at every stage, part of every big event in some way. But they’re there for all the little memories too: feeding the fish in the pond in their back garden; walking to visit grandad’s sister who lived a few roads away; bike rides around their garden and the car park next-door; Grandad sorting out his slides for ship’s society in the evening before we watched tv; going on holiday to Canada to visit Grandad’s family with them in 2014; playing down the shore on sunny days; them taking and picking me up from school; walks into Woolston, going to the charity shops and chip shop, looking at the Lillywhite memorial stone; bus trips to Shirley; them helping me learn routes for Guide Dogs; mornings in Bitterne doing their weekly shop and getting a Greggs; Nan’s knitting; crispy bacon sandwiches and almost burnt sausages on a barbecue; the word insubordination; him and Dad jokingly calling people bastards in funny voices; the 6 o’clock news being on the tv no matter what; tea in bed on a Saturday or Sunday morning if we’d stayed over; Grandad pottering about in his shed or his little room with books; when they moved from the big house to their bungalow; their 50^th wedding anniversary surprise party; trips to Stoke to pick Grant up and Grandad spoiling the surprise that Grant was visiting for Nan’s 60^th; all the many wooden things he made, like the bird tables; him feeding the birds and shouting at pigeons; all the holidays abroad they came on with us; him and his camera; their trips to Belgium; just them, there always. The idea that it was just Nan now was the hardest thing to get my head around. Although he may have been poorly and slowly deteriorating this last year, he was still there. But now he wasn’t. There was no more Grandad, healthy or otherwise. We’d all said our last words, had our last smiles. Selfishly, I wished we hadn’t, I wanted more time. But as it slowly settled over me, that it really had happened, I knew this was the way it was meant to be, kinder for everyone really. For the family, who’d watched him decline and become less like the man they knew. For Nan, who’d spent 9 months devotedly caring for the husband she’d loved for 60 years. But most of all, for Grandad himself. There was no more suffering. No tears of frustration because he couldn’t do or say the things he was trying so hard to. No more pain when the carers moved him about. No more indignity of having to be washed and changed and fed. I’d give anything for just one more hug. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to suffer any longer.

 

So, with a heavy heart, on the 7^th I flew down to Southampton to meet everyone and begin what was going to be a tough time home. John and Kieran dropped me off at Newcastle airport just before 5 and when assistance eventually came to help, I was guided through the airport and onto the plane no problem. In fact, the flight took off and landed early. Dad, Harley and Sam were waiting for me in arrivals and there were big hugs all round. As we were walking to the car, Sam said how we had a bit of a problem because Grandad’s funeral clashed with Imi’s graduation, which was happening on the 17^th. For a while, I was a little taken aback. Although I’d known the family were going to the funeral directors to discuss plans that day, I didn’t realise a date was going to be set and felt a little hurt that I’d found out like this. But of course Dad and Harley hadn’t had time to tell me any other way. I’d been on the plane. Still, it took me a few minutes to recover. That was that, then, there was a funeral in 10 days when we’d have to say our final goodbyes. At that very moment, I didn’t have the headspace to worry that the timing clashed with Imi’s graduation, which we’d all been planning to watch via the live stream. Obviously, a little while later I felt sad about that. I wanted to be able to support her and share in her special occasion.

 

On the way to Mum’s, we popped into see nan for 20 or so minutes. This was when I’d previously hoped, if he’d still been here, that I’d have been able to see Grandad one last time. It was weird being in their bungalow knowing he wasn’t there. I didn’t go into his room but still it felt strange, suddenly too big for Nan to be rattling around in by herself. But she was pretty calm and composed given the circumstances. Afterwards, we stopped at Dominoes on Mum’s estate so I could pick up something to eat. We spent the evening talking about Grandad and Mum’s operation scheduled for the following day. I felt a bit guilty that at a time when we needed to give Mum 100% of our support our minds were elsewhere. But of course she didn’t see it that way. It was just my anxious and emotional brain overthinking things.

 

On Wednesday morning, we were all awake early to say goodbye to Mum when Simon took her to the hospital at 6:45.I decided to get up and showered, have breakfast and then start work early. I’d recently been given flexi time and was enjoying seeing my plus column go up. I knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep anyway. My manager had been really generous and allowed me to work from Mum’s for two weeks while she had and was recovering from her operation. I was very grateful as I’ve been there for both of the other operations and couldn’t imagine not being there for this one. Mum text at around 20 to 9 to say she was going down to theatre. Thankfully, I had work to keep me occupied, which meant I didn’t worry as much. However, when nobody had heard from Mum by about 3 o’clock, Harley and I started to get nervous. The surgeon had said that they’d try keyhole surgery first but if they weren’t able to remove the cancer safely they’d have to go for full surgery. As he’d said keyhole should only take 2 hours, we knew by this point that it mustn’t of worked and felt sad for Mum, who hadn’t wanted another full scar. But whatever it took to get her cancer free. Finally, after Harley phone the hospital around half past 4, we heard that Mum came out of surgery an hour or so later and was now in recovery. A few hours later, she was on FaceTime, groggily talking to us and telling us what she knew about what had happened, which at this point wasn’t much. Either way, we were able to go to bed knowing she’d safely come round, although it had been much more complicated than they’d anticipated. She currently had feeding and oxygen tubes in and sounded pretty rough.

 

The following day, Mum was moved onto the ward around 1pm. After I’d finished work, Simon drove the three of us to see her. She was comfortable and not in much pain, which was a relief. She was able to describe in more detail the complexity of the operation and how well the surgeon had done. We wouldn’t know the true results of it until much later after she’d had time to recover. Disappointingly, Liverpool lost their Europa league match against Toulouse 3-2. That night, Harley and I ordered takeaway and watched some David Attenborough to keep our minds off Mum and away from feeling sad about Grandad, which was a constant emotion running in the background of everything else.

 

Again, after I’d finished work the following day, Simon took the three of us to see Mum in hospital. She was a lot brighter that day and had been told she might be able to start eating solid food, like jelly and ice cream, on Sunday. Later, Harley made us an easy tea of super noodles for themselves and a Bachelor’s packet pasta for me. We spent the evening watching the second Bridget Jones movie, as we’d started the trilogy when they’d come to stay with me and Kieran in October.

 

At 12:45 the following day, we caught the bus into town and met Nan who was waiting for us. Despite the reason for it, it was lovely to see her out and about again. Apart from Grandad’s suffering, the worst thing about him being poorly had been Nan not being able to go out much. She was frightened of leaving him, even if it was with people she trusted, and always in a hurry to get back when she rarely ventured out for essentials. However, today she was happy to be out and doing the kinds of things they used to before. We had Burger King for lunch, which I’m always a bit wary of because I’ve had some pretty unpleasant meals there. But it’s one of Nan’s favourites and actually turned out to be really nice. We did a little bit of wandering around the shops with Nan before she caught the bus home and we got one to the hospital to visit Mum, who again was feeling quite good. That evening, we cooked the M&Ms cookie dough pie pudding Mum had bought us as a treat from Iceland and ate it while watching some of the most recent Gogglebox and doing some Christmas wrapping.

 

Sunday was another trip to the hospital to see Mum. We took clean clothes and bought her some yoghurts from M&S to try. She’d successfully had some ice cream that morning and felt much brighter because of it. On his way home from work, Dad picked us up so we went back to his for a bit, where we chatted with Sam and Michelle, who showed us all the materials she’d bought for the scrapbook in memory of Grandad that she and Harley were going to make together as a surprise for Nan. Once were home, Harley cooked some breaded chicken strips and triple cooked steak chips so we could make wraps for tea. We did more wrapping and watched the rest of the episode of Gogglebox we’d started.

 

I spent the day working On Monday while Harley packed for their trip to Brighton the following day. In the afternoon, Dad picked us up and the three of us joined Nan for dinner. She’d cooked curry and made an apple crumble. It felt just like our old Wednesday dinners at Nan’s, except of course Grandad was missing. It felt very strange him not being there to put the 6 o’clock news on or lay the table. As always, Nan’s food was lovely and I was glad we’d made the effort to visit; although I felt a bit bad that we hadn’t been to see Mum that day. But if all went well overnight, she was due to come home the following day.

 

The next day, Harley caught the train with their friends to Brighton, where they thoroughly enjoyed the Louis Tomlinson concert they’d gone for. Later, Simon brought Mum home from hospital. The car ride had caused her a lot of pain and she was feeling very tired. Sadly, it wasn’t a very good first night home.

 

The next two days were quite quiet. Slowly, Mum started to feel more settled at home and was able to try eating a little more. Harley came home very happy from the concert, having had a great time and also enjoyed exploring Brighton. In true them-style, they’d taken loads of photos which they were very proud to show Mum. The thing they were happiest about was their Louis hoodie, which I’m not sure whether they’ve taken off, even now. We popped into town for our final Christmas shopping mission and enjoyed a McDonalds. The city centre Christmas market was opening up, which really created a festive atmosphere. It was scary how close Christmas really was.

 

However, the jolly feeling of Christmas was eclipsed the following day as Harley and I dressed in smart clothes and took a taxi to Nan’s to join everyone for the funeral procession. The time to say one final goodbye to Grandad had come at last. Strangely, there was one happy thing in all of it, which I think Grandad would have been pleased to know he’d made happen, in that my big brother Grant was here at last. It’s been nearly 6 years since any of us last saw him. Then, we were celebrating the birth of his little girl, my lovely niece Olivia-Grace. I’d been so excited to become an auntie, so pleased to start spending more time with my brother and his little family. But it hadn’t lasted. Things had changed for Grant and he’d moved area. For some reason, we’d slowly lost touch. I hadn’t been the part of the baby’s life I’d hoped to be and communication pretty much stopped. I only knew how they were doing from social media posts and it hurt a lot. I built up a lot of resentment towards Grant, fuelled when he was unable to come for our great-nanny Olive’s funeral last year. So I thought seeing him again was going to be difficult. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel. It had taken me a very long time to get used to the fact that we weren’t part of his life any more and didn’t know his daughter, that she didn’t know us. On every birthday I thought about her, couldn’t believe how time was passing and how grown up she must be. I didn’t want to get emotionally attached again, let myself get caught up in fantasies of us being proper family like I’d once thought we were. But then there he was, in Nan’s lounge, like it’d only been last week we’d saw him. It felt a bit awkward to begin with. What do you say to the brother you haven’t seen in nearly 6 years whilst waiting to go to your Grandad’s funeral? We just made small chat for a while, although slowly the jokes started squeezing in, especially when Nan started muddling up our names like she always used to. Once Dad had arrived with Michelle and Sam and Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave and Adam had joined us, it was time to go. The funeral cars drew up and we were all climbing in. Nan, Dad, Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave and Michelle in the first car, behind Grandad, with Grant, Adam, Sam, Harley and I in the car behind. Nan had decided all the grandchildren should be together and had wanted Mum to be in the car with us. Mum was absolutely gutted not to be able to attend but just wasn’t feeling strong enough yet after the surgery. She was his daughter-in-law a very long time and, like everyone else who ever met him, thought a lot of John Lillywhite. Plus, she was very touched that Nan wanted her in the family cars. I felt sad that she wasn’t with us; it didn’t feel quite right to begin with. But Nan had paid for a live stream of the service, mainly so our relatives abroad could watch, so Mum was going to be there virtually. Another person who couldn’t come was Kieran. He’d never been coming on this trip in the first place and plane tickets to come at the last minute were ridiculously expensive. Although I’d have absolutely loved him to be there, I didn’t want him spending that much money; Nan agreed. Again, he was there virtually, watching via the live stream.

 

The funeral itself was beautiful. I’m not sure that’s an appropriate way to describe the occasion but that’s what it was. It was full to the brim with people who’d known Grandad and wanted to pay their respects to a very special man. At first, I felt weird being sat next to Grant on the front row. I’d expected to sit beside Harley but they sat me next to him. In the end, it felt right. The service itself was lovely. Nan had picked the perfect music. Abba’s Fernando had us all a bit choked up as we walked in and of course Elvis’s American Trilogy, Grandad’s favourite, had to be played too. They’d put together a lovely photo montage showing Grandad’s life and Nan had picked Simon & Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water to play as it was shown. Grant described some of the pictures to me, which was very sweet of him and reminded me so much of how it used to be when he lived with us. It was lovely but hurt at the same time, especially as I was trying to sort through all the emotions about Grandad. The wake afterwards was just right too, everyone talking about their memories of Grandad. As the cliché goes, Grandad wouldn’t have wanted us all to sit around crying. He loved a big family gathering and would have been so happy to see everyone together. Afterwards, we went back to Auntie Clare’s for a little while. Then, it was time to say goodbye. I hugged Nan very tight. Through all of this, she’d managed to be incredibly strong. She’d spent 60 years of her life loving Grandad and the last 9 months giving him amazing care so he didn’t have to go into a care home, something neither of them wanted. Now it was just her and I was worried about her being on her own, however sure she was that she’d be fine. After that, it was time to say goodbye to Grant. He was only staying until Sunday so we wouldn’t be seeing him again. I hugged him tight too. However hard I tried I couldn’t stop myself from feeling. I was absolutely gutted to be saying goodbye again. Who knows when we’ll see him again. He’s very busy working and looking after his three kids. We live at complete opposite ends of the country now and one day doesn’t mean everything is fixed, even if I wish it was. But having everyone together gave Grandad the perfect farewell, I think. Nan even got her customary grandkids photo, which she always used to make Grandad take any time the four of us were in the same place. He’d have been chuffed to know that tradition has carried on, even if he’s not here to be the photographer.

 

Saturday was a quiet day, just wrapping Christmas presents. On Sunday, Harley and I went to Dad’s for the afternoon. Michelle and Harley started work on their memory scrapbook. Meanwhile, Dad watched a James Bond film and Sam worked on her lego Christmas tree. Later on, Michelle cooked spag bol for us all, which was really tasty. After we’d dropped Michelle off at work and treated ourselves to a Costa, we popped into see Nan on our way home because she was feeling a bit low. It was hardly surprising after the fortnight she’d had and Grant leaving that morning. We all gave her big hugs and she reassured us she was fine, which obviously we didn’t believe. She also gave me Grandad’s Southampton FC coaster, which I’d asked if I could have. I remember him getting it as a 70^th birthday present and it’s always sat on the coffee table beside his chair. The Saints crest is raised so I can feel the lettering. It’s just a really nice momento for me to have as well as something that says Southampton in my up north home. Later on, we watched the first episode of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, which is when I always feel like Christmas is really on its way.

 

Monday and Tuesday were full of me working. We watched I’m A Celeb each night and ate lovely loaded potato skins cooked by Harley on Monday and a delicious chicken stew cooked in the slow cooker on Tuesday; it made the whole house smell lovely and Mum was able to eat a small portion. On Wednesday, Mum went to the dddoctors and had her staples taken out. She was really pleased about how well the wound is healing and having staples instead of stitches means there should be less of a scar. Around lunchtime, I received an audio message from Uncle Dave. He’d managed to record the clip of Grandad doing his father of the bride speech at Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave’s wedding from their wedding video onto his phone so that I could listen to it whenever I wanted. Over the last year or so, since Grandad hadn’t been able to speak very well, I’d realised I didn’t actually have any recordings of him talking before his voice started to change. This makes me very sad. Of course, everyone else has tons of photos to look through to remember him by. But hearing his voice is what I need to remember the man I knew. In the wedding video, he sounds younger than I remember him to be, even though I was present there at 8 years old. Either way, it means I have something to listen back to when I’m missing him most. I have a couple of audio recordings of him talking after his stroke and they make me smile fondly to remember how strong he continued to be, how he never stopped being Grandad. But the wedding video reminds me of the man he really was. A little later, Auntie Clare phoned Harley to tell us Grandad’s ashes were ready to collect. They’d also taken prints of his hands as I’d requested. I’m hoping to get a piece of jewellery made with his fingerprints. Due to the way it’s made, it’ll be tactile. That evening, Mum treated us all to a Dominoes for dinner and we watched the third Bridget Jones film, meaning Harley has finally seen the story in order.

 

The following day, it was time for me to head home. I’d been in Southampton for 16 days, the longest time I’d spent back down south since I’d lived there. It’s strange how in some ways you can just slot back in as if you’ve never been away but at the same time absolutely everything has changed. Either way, as always I’d loved being down, despite the reasons for it. Grandad’s  funeral had been the perfect send off and Mum’s recovery was going well. Of course, she was already doing too much and not resting enough but sometimes she just won’t be told. I’m so glad I was able to be there to help her in her first week home from hospital and to visit her with Harley most days. Whatever had happened, I would have always been down for Grandad’s funeral. Nan did arrange it so it was within my pre-planned visit but I wouldn’t have cared how much it would have cost me in flights to be there for it. As I write this, it’s only 3 days from me flying down again as Kieran and I are going to spend Christmas with my lot this year. I’m looking forward to it a lot, but it is going to be very different without Grandad there too. This time last year, he was 6 days into his stroke recovery and things had started to look worse than they’d originally made us think. He spent last Christmas in hospital and at the time I remember hoping he’d be home with Nan for his next one. Sadly that wasn’t to be and we will miss him being there. But hopefully he’s in a good place now. Mum is doing well. The surgeons and consultants are very happy with her recovery and managed to remove all the cancer. There wasn’t any more infected areas than we already knew about, which is a massive relief. But she does have to start further preventative treatment in the new year. It’s hard for her but if it means she remains cancer-free then it’ll be worth it. Hopefully, 2024 can be the year she kicks cancer’s backside for the final time.

 

Rest in peace, Grandad John. I will miss you, always, and I wish I told you more just how important and loved you were. I hope you knew without us needing to say it. You were one of the most important figures in my childhood and I’ll never forget how much of an impact you had on my life. You will always be the best man I’ll ever know and I’ll always be so proud to be your granddaughter. Fly high with the birds or sail far on the sea, Grandad, you are always on my mind.