Like most, 2023 has been a year of ups and downs for me. Undoubtedly the worst thing that has happened this year has been my lovely Grandad John passing away in November aged 84. However, he lived a long and mostly happy life but towards the end hadn’t been in good health. In some ways, it was a bit of a relief despite the sadness because he wasn’t suffering any more. Of course, I’d do anything for him to still be here but not if he was in pain or unhappy. Hopefully, he’s now in a better place, back to full health sailing on the ships he loved so much. Also, despite six sessions of chemotherapy starting on 30 December last year and lasting until the end of April this year, Mum’s cancer came back for a third time and she had another operation to remove it. So far, we think the operation was a success; all the cancer was removed and there wasn’t any more found that we weren’t already aware of. Obviously, another complex operation has left its mark on Mum. She now can’t eat big portions or several meals a day like she used to. Christmas dinner was made a little sad by the fact that Mum wasn’t able to fully enjoy it because she wasn’t able to eat that much. Sadly, the consultants have said that will never go back to normal. In time, her stomach may gradually improve, meaning she can eat more again, but nothing like a fully functioning stomach can hold. During her chemotherapy, Mum lost her hair, which was somehow one of the hardest parts of the whole thing. Thankfully, it has grown back quite quickly and is surprisingly thick, although very curly instead of it’s previous straight. To be honest, Mum is just happy to have hair back. More than anything else for 2024, I hope that the next four sessions of a different type of chemotherapy she now has to have mean the end of cancer for her. She has already been through far too much and it has seriously weakened her body; I do worry about how much more it could cope with if the cancer came back again. This has to be it now. She needs to be able to start living her life properly again, especially as she has her wedding in six months time, something which she is of course looking forward to very much.
Despite the sadness of this year with everything that’s happened with Mum and Grandad’s passing, there has also been some great times. Firstly, Kieran and I have continued to live in the little flat we moved into last year. It’s nearly two years since I moved to Blyth now and I’ve definitely settled in. We have our little routines now and have worked out things in the house that we both do. Kieran’s in charge of curries, Bolognese and jacket potatoes amongst other things and I do stir fry, carbonara and weekend pizza/picky bits meals.
One of the biggest changes for me in 2023 has been finally getting into work. This time last year, I was preparing to start my first job, working for HMRC in a customer service role. I’d been expecting to start in February and on the 13th got a taxi to the HMRC building for the first time. Unfortunately, they weren’t as ready for me as I’d thought they’d be. None of the accessibility requirements had been put in place and in the end I was on special health leave for 6 months while they tried to find a role that was suitable for me. Eventually, at the beginning of August I went in for my first proper day at work. I have a lovely manager and team who have all been really welcoming and supportive. The role I do currently definitely wasn’t what I applied for but is full-time employment that pays well and has excellent benefits. One of the best things about working for HMRC, except for finally earning my own wage, is the flexible working policies they have. Thanks to those, I was able to work in Southampton for a fortnight while Mum had her operation and so I could attend Grandad’s funeral. Plenty of companies just don’t offer that as an option and I’m very grateful that it’s available to me. I also like having a hybrid role, which means I work three days in the office and two at home. This splits my week up nicely as I work Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays in the office and Wednesdays and Fridays from home. I especially like Fridays at home because it ends the week nicely. At first, I was worried how well I’d adapt to full-time work after being sat around doing nothing for so long. But I got used to it quite quickly, I think. The biggest thing that I hadn’t done much before I started work was regularly using taxis to get to places. But Uber haven’t let me down yet, especially now the reserve feature is in our area. Touch wood, all the drivers I’ve had have been friendly and always willing to help. The job itself isn’t thrilling or particularly challenging but it’s taken me so long to find work I’m mostly still just happy with the fact that I’m finally employed. I’ve now passed probation too so am officially permanently employed by HMRC. Satisfied with that!
Sadly, my second biggest hope, after Mum being free of cancer, hasn’t come true this year. Although I came very close in June, I still haven’t been matched with my first Guide Dog from Guide Dogs for the Blind and the wait continues for that phone call. Currently, I’ve been on the Newcastle waiting list (now known as the ready to train list) 15 months and it’s been 5 years since Southampton finally called to say I’d been accepted onto the waiting list after years of trying to be suitable. Never in my worst imaginings did I expect to wait this long. You’re always told to expect a bit of a wait but when I got that call in 2018 I never thought I’d still be here hoping for next year to be the year I get the magical furry match. Of course, in June I thought crazy little Bree was going to be the one. But after an unsuccessful matching visit, it was very clear she wasn’t the right dog for me. I still follow the northeast social media page and ask my mobility officer for info on any of the current trainees. I like finding out the names of the dogs who are currently in training with the Newcastle team and deciding which ones I like the sound of. Obviously, in the end I don’t care what the dog’s name is if it’s a good guide. But there’s no harm in hoping it isn’t something totally ridiculous, which some of them really are. I’m not able to have as many mobility sessions to practice my routes as I used to because of work. But the Newcastle team agreed to me having a session once a month or so just so I can reassure myself I still know my routes well enough. My mobility officer has even started to walk them with me as a short handle walk, where I hold the handle of the harness and she holds the other end, mimicking how I’d walk with a dog. I was surprised to find I can still navigate the routes correctly walking this way. It’s a very different experience to walking with a cane and I was worried not having that same tactile feedback from the cane would confuse me; apparently not. So fingers crossed 2024 really is the year I get that successful Guide Dog match. It’s been a very long time coming.
Other than that, there haven’t been many big events of this year. My teeny tiny sis Harley celebrated their 18th birthday in July, making me feel very old indeed. Sam, Kieran and I have been to a couple of comedy shows, which have been great fun as always. It’s been great to be able to visit Imi a few times this year, something that wasn’t so easy to do when I lived down south. I’ve loved being able to spend more time with her and Guide Dog Sam, as well as meeting super cute kitten Pablo. I’m hoping we’ll be able to continue visiting more regularly next year. As well as this, I’ve been very lucky to be able to visit Southampton several times to see everyone, made even more important now because I managed to spend quite a bit of time with Grandad before he passed away. At Grandad’s funeral, I was reunited with my big brother Grant, who I hadn’t seen in nearly six years. Since then, we’ve been texting more regularly than we had over the last few years and I’m hoping we’ll continue to keep in touch much more in the future. After all, life is far too short and you don’t get this time back to do things differently.
I’m looking forward to what 2024 brings. There are already several things planned to look forward to, including seeing Train and Take That in concert and live comedy from Sarah Millican, Romesh Rangernathan, Reginald D Hunter, Michael McIntyre, Chris McCausland and Jason Manford. Mum is getting married in June, which Kieran and I are visiting Southampton for. Hopefully, she’ll be very clear of cancer by then and starting to get her life back on track. Maybe I’ll even have my Guide Dog at the ceremony. Who knows! Whatever happens, I hope it will be a good year.
On the 7th of November, it was time to head back down south again for another visit. Sadly, like last time, it wasn’t for good reasons. Firstly, as we’d found out in September, Mum’s cancer had returned and she required an operation to remove the mass and any infected tissue. Obviously, we were all pretty worried about this and upset at the fact that the cancer was back. Over the last two years, Mum has already had two operations and 6 sessions of chemotherapy. Of course, that’s already far too much. If it was possible, I’d make it so she never had cancer at all. But I can’t do that. For some reason, Mum’s body turned against her despite the fact that she’s never smoked and only has the occasional drink. She has a pretty good diet and is otherwise healthy. I guess her good luck just ran out. Having cancer for the third time in two years certainly isn’t lucky. However, there was a second sad reason I was going home. The flights and visit had originally been arranged so I’d be there when Mum had the operation so I could stay with Harley while Mum was in hospital and be there afterwards to help wherever I could while she recovered. But early on Sunday 5 November, I woke to my phone ringing. The caller ID said Dad. That could only mean one thing. At a few minutes to 7 in the morning, Dad was calling to break the news that my beloved Grandad John had passed away in his sleep only an hour or so before, Nan thinks. Grandad had a stroke in December 2022, which took away the last of his independence. At first, we’d been told it was only a minor stroke and that with time he should recover well. But after tests and scans, they found he’d had small bleeds on the brain and they think three mini strokes in total. He never did recover much. Initially, in hospital they had him feeding himself and were encouraging him to use his bad arm. But the support gradually declined until all Nan had, once Grandad came home in February, was carers four times a day and occasional physiotherapy sessions. Quite quickly, they decided he’d never regain use of his leg and they couldn’t do much for his arm, which had deteriorated. Eventually, he lost full use of his arm and Nan was doing everything for him, something he in his younger days wouldn’t have liked at all. He was a respectable gentleman who could look after himself, even if he did have a wife who helped him as much as she was able. Over these last nine months, Nan has done an incredible job of caring for Grandad. Other than giving him a full wash and change, she’s done everything else with very limited support. More than anything, she really appreciated that Michelle was a nurse with loads of helpful advice and suggestions she tried to make life easier for them both. By the end, Grandad slept most of the day, only managing a few mouthfuls of food and not speaking at all. Nan says he still had his own ways of communicating non-verbally and I know that reassured her a lot that he was still there. But things gradually got worse and worse, until Nan was told that they thought he was nearing the end. We’d been told 3 months maximum, which is what they say. We got a month from then to 5th November. That day, I just felt numb. It was weird, we’d been expecting it for so long; but that didn’t make any difference. I just kept thinking “god, I’m never going to see him again”. I was due to fly to Southampton two days later and had been hoping he’d still be there, that Dad could take me straight from the airport so I could see him, really say goodbye even if it was only in my own head. But that wasn’t to be. 5 November 2023 was his time, apparently. I think that’s why, in my mind, I was more upset than I’d expected to be that day. We’d ran out of time. There were no more chances to see him; talk random nonsense to him hoping he was listening; hold his hand and feel him squeeze back even if only a little; just sit there in his room with the telly on, knowing that was all I could give him and hoping he knew I was there trying my best. Nan and Grandad fill my memories throughout my whole life. They’ve both been there at every stage, part of every big event in some way. But they’re there for all the little memories too: feeding the fish in the pond in their back garden; walking to visit grandad’s sister who lived a few roads away; bike rides around their garden and the car park next-door; Grandad sorting out his slides for ship’s society in the evening before we watched tv; going on holiday to Canada to visit Grandad’s family with them in 2014; playing down the shore on sunny days; them taking and picking me up from school; walks into Woolston, going to the charity shops and chip shop, looking at the Lillywhite memorial stone; bus trips to Shirley; them helping me learn routes for Guide Dogs; mornings in Bitterne doing their weekly shop and getting a Greggs; Nan’s knitting; crispy bacon sandwiches and almost burnt sausages on a barbecue; the word insubordination; him and Dad jokingly calling people bastards in funny voices; the 6 o’clock news being on the tv no matter what; tea in bed on a Saturday or Sunday morning if we’d stayed over; Grandad pottering about in his shed or his little room with books; when they moved from the big house to their bungalow; their 50th wedding anniversary surprise party; trips to Stoke to pick Grant up and Grandad spoiling the surprise that Grant was visiting for Nan’s 60th; all the many wooden things he made, like the bird tables; him feeding the birds and shouting at pigeons; all the holidays abroad they came on with us; him and his camera; their trips to Belgium; just them, there always. The idea that it was just Nan now was the hardest thing to get my head around. Although he may have been poorly and slowly deteriorating this last year, he was still there. But now he wasn’t. There was no more Grandad, healthy or otherwise. We’d all said our last words, had our last smiles. Selfishly, I wished we hadn’t, I wanted more time. But as it slowly settled over me, that it really had happened, I knew this was the way it was meant to be, kinder for everyone really. For the family, who’d watched him decline and become less like the man they knew. For Nan, who’d spent 9 months devotedly caring for the husband she’d loved for 60 years. But most of all, for Grandad himself. There was no more suffering. No tears of frustration because he couldn’t do or say the things he was trying so hard to. No more pain when the carers moved him about. No more indignity of having to be washed and changed and fed. I’d give anything for just one more hug. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to suffer any longer.
So, with a heavy heart, on the 7th I flew down to Southampton to meet everyone and begin what was going to be a tough time home. John and Kieran dropped me off at Newcastle airport just before 5 and when assistance eventually came to help, I was guided through the airport and onto the plane no problem. In fact, the flight took off and landed early. Dad, Harley and Sam were waiting for me in arrivals and there were big hugs all round. As we were walking to the car, Sam said how we had a bit of a problem because Grandad’s funeral clashed with Imi’s graduation, which was happening on the 17th. For a while, I was a little taken aback. Although I’d known the family were going to the funeral directors to discuss plans that day, I didn’t realise a date was going to be set and felt a little hurt that I’d found out like this. But of course Dad and Harley hadn’t had time to tell me any other way. I’d been on the plane. Still, it took me a few minutes to recover. That was that, then, there was a funeral in 10 days when we’d have to say our final goodbyes. At that very moment, I didn’t have the headspace to worry that the timing clashed with Imi’s graduation, which we’d all been planning to watch via the live stream. Obviously, a little while later I felt sad about that. I wanted to be able to support her and share in her special occasion.
On the way to Mum’s, we popped into see nan for 20 or so minutes. This was when I’d previously hoped, if he’d still been here, that I’d have been able to see Grandad one last time. It was weird being in their bungalow knowing he wasn’t there. I didn’t go into his room but still it felt strange, suddenly too big for Nan to be rattling around in by herself. But she was pretty calm and composed given the circumstances. Afterwards, we stopped at Dominoes on Mum’s estate so I could pick up something to eat. We spent the evening talking about Grandad and Mum’s operation scheduled for the following day. I felt a bit guilty that at a time when we needed to give Mum 100% of our support our minds were elsewhere. But of course she didn’t see it that way. It was just my anxious and emotional brain overthinking things.
On Wednesday morning, we were all awake early to say goodbye to Mum when Simon took her to the hospital at 6:45.I decided to get up and showered, have breakfast and then start work early. I’d recently been given flexi time and was enjoying seeing my plus column go up. I knew I wouldn’t get back to sleep anyway. My manager had been really generous and allowed me to work from Mum’s for two weeks while she had and was recovering from her operation. I was very grateful as I’ve been there for both of the other operations and couldn’t imagine not being there for this one. Mum text at around 20 to 9 to say she was going down to theatre. Thankfully, I had work to keep me occupied, which meant I didn’t worry as much. However, when nobody had heard from Mum by about 3 o’clock, Harley and I started to get nervous. The surgeon had said that they’d try keyhole surgery first but if they weren’t able to remove the cancer safely they’d have to go for full surgery. As he’d said keyhole should only take 2 hours, we knew by this point that it mustn’t of worked and felt sad for Mum, who hadn’t wanted another full scar. But whatever it took to get her cancer free. Finally, after Harley phone the hospital around half past 4, we heard that Mum came out of surgery an hour or so later and was now in recovery. A few hours later, she was on FaceTime, groggily talking to us and telling us what she knew about what had happened, which at this point wasn’t much. Either way, we were able to go to bed knowing she’d safely come round, although it had been much more complicated than they’d anticipated. She currently had feeding and oxygen tubes in and sounded pretty rough.
The following day, Mum was moved onto the ward around 1pm. After I’d finished work, Simon drove the three of us to see her. She was comfortable and not in much pain, which was a relief. She was able to describe in more detail the complexity of the operation and how well the surgeon had done. We wouldn’t know the true results of it until much later after she’d had time to recover. Disappointingly, Liverpool lost their Europa league match against Toulouse 3-2. That night, Harley and I ordered takeaway and watched some David Attenborough to keep our minds off Mum and away from feeling sad about Grandad, which was a constant emotion running in the background of everything else.
Again, after I’d finished work the following day, Simon took the three of us to see Mum in hospital. She was a lot brighter that day and had been told she might be able to start eating solid food, like jelly and ice cream, on Sunday. Later, Harley made us an easy tea of super noodles for themselves and a Bachelor’s packet pasta for me. We spent the evening watching the second Bridget Jones movie, as we’d started the trilogy when they’d come to stay with me and Kieran in October.
At 12:45 the following day, we caught the bus into town and met Nan who was waiting for us. Despite the reason for it, it was lovely to see her out and about again. Apart from Grandad’s suffering, the worst thing about him being poorly had been Nan not being able to go out much. She was frightened of leaving him, even if it was with people she trusted, and always in a hurry to get back when she rarely ventured out for essentials. However, today she was happy to be out and doing the kinds of things they used to before. We had Burger King for lunch, which I’m always a bit wary of because I’ve had some pretty unpleasant meals there. But it’s one of Nan’s favourites and actually turned out to be really nice. We did a little bit of wandering around the shops with Nan before she caught the bus home and we got one to the hospital to visit Mum, who again was feeling quite good. That evening, we cooked the M&Ms cookie dough pie pudding Mum had bought us as a treat from Iceland and ate it while watching some of the most recent Gogglebox and doing some Christmas wrapping.
Sunday was another trip to the hospital to see Mum. We took clean clothes and bought her some yoghurts from M&S to try. She’d successfully had some ice cream that morning and felt much brighter because of it. On his way home from work, Dad picked us up so we went back to his for a bit, where we chatted with Sam and Michelle, who showed us all the materials she’d bought for the scrapbook in memory of Grandad that she and Harley were going to make together as a surprise for Nan. Once were home, Harley cooked some breaded chicken strips and triple cooked steak chips so we could make wraps for tea. We did more wrapping and watched the rest of the episode of Gogglebox we’d started.
I spent the day working On Monday while Harley packed for their trip to Brighton the following day. In the afternoon, Dad picked us up and the three of us joined Nan for dinner. She’d cooked curry and made an apple crumble. It felt just like our old Wednesday dinners at Nan’s, except of course Grandad was missing. It felt very strange him not being there to put the 6 o’clock news on or lay the table. As always, Nan’s food was lovely and I was glad we’d made the effort to visit; although I felt a bit bad that we hadn’t been to see Mum that day. But if all went well overnight, she was due to come home the following day.
The next day, Harley caught the train with their friends to Brighton, where they thoroughly enjoyed the Louis Tomlinson concert they’d gone for. Later, Simon brought Mum home from hospital. The car ride had caused her a lot of pain and she was feeling very tired. Sadly, it wasn’t a very good first night home.
The next two days were quite quiet. Slowly, Mum started to feel more settled at home and was able to try eating a little more. Harley came home very happy from the concert, having had a great time and also enjoyed exploring Brighton. In true them-style, they’d taken loads of photos which they were very proud to show Mum. The thing they were happiest about was their Louis hoodie, which I’m not sure whether they’ve taken off, even now. We popped into town for our final Christmas shopping mission and enjoyed a McDonalds. The city centre Christmas market was opening up, which really created a festive atmosphere. It was scary how close Christmas really was.
However, the jolly feeling of Christmas was eclipsed the following day as Harley and I dressed in smart clothes and took a taxi to Nan’s to join everyone for the funeral procession. The time to say one final goodbye to Grandad had come at last. Strangely, there was one happy thing in all of it, which I think Grandad would have been pleased to know he’d made happen, in that my big brother Grant was here at last. It’s been nearly 6 years since any of us last saw him. Then, we were celebrating the birth of his little girl, my lovely niece Olivia-Grace. I’d been so excited to become an auntie, so pleased to start spending more time with my brother and his little family. But it hadn’t lasted. Things had changed for Grant and he’d moved area. For some reason, we’d slowly lost touch. I hadn’t been the part of the baby’s life I’d hoped to be and communication pretty much stopped. I only knew how they were doing from social media posts and it hurt a lot. I built up a lot of resentment towards Grant, fuelled when he was unable to come for our great-nanny Olive’s funeral last year. So I thought seeing him again was going to be difficult. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel. It had taken me a very long time to get used to the fact that we weren’t part of his life any more and didn’t know his daughter, that she didn’t know us. On every birthday I thought about her, couldn’t believe how time was passing and how grown up she must be. I didn’t want to get emotionally attached again, let myself get caught up in fantasies of us being proper family like I’d once thought we were. But then there he was, in Nan’s lounge, like it’d only been last week we’d saw him. It felt a bit awkward to begin with. What do you say to the brother you haven’t seen in nearly 6 years whilst waiting to go to your Grandad’s funeral? We just made small chat for a while, although slowly the jokes started squeezing in, especially when Nan started muddling up our names like she always used to. Once Dad had arrived with Michelle and Sam and Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave and Adam had joined us, it was time to go. The funeral cars drew up and we were all climbing in. Nan, Dad, Auntie Clare, Uncle Dave and Michelle in the first car, behind Grandad, with Grant, Adam, Sam, Harley and I in the car behind. Nan had decided all the grandchildren should be together and had wanted Mum to be in the car with us. Mum was absolutely gutted not to be able to attend but just wasn’t feeling strong enough yet after the surgery. She was his daughter-in-law a very long time and, like everyone else who ever met him, thought a lot of John Lillywhite. Plus, she was very touched that Nan wanted her in the family cars. I felt sad that she wasn’t with us; it didn’t feel quite right to begin with. But Nan had paid for a live stream of the service, mainly so our relatives abroad could watch, so Mum was going to be there virtually. Another person who couldn’t come was Kieran. He’d never been coming on this trip in the first place and plane tickets to come at the last minute were ridiculously expensive. Although I’d have absolutely loved him to be there, I didn’t want him spending that much money; Nan agreed. Again, he was there virtually, watching via the live stream.
The funeral itself was beautiful. I’m not sure that’s an appropriate way to describe the occasion but that’s what it was. It was full to the brim with people who’d known Grandad and wanted to pay their respects to a very special man. At first, I felt weird being sat next to Grant on the front row. I’d expected to sit beside Harley but they sat me next to him. In the end, it felt right. The service itself was lovely. Nan had picked the perfect music. Abba’s Fernando had us all a bit choked up as we walked in and of course Elvis’s American Trilogy, Grandad’s favourite, had to be played too. They’d put together a lovely photo montage showing Grandad’s life and Nan had picked Simon & Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water to play as it was shown. Grant described some of the pictures to me, which was very sweet of him and reminded me so much of how it used to be when he lived with us. It was lovely but hurt at the same time, especially as I was trying to sort through all the emotions about Grandad. The wake afterwards was just right too, everyone talking about their memories of Grandad. As the cliché goes, Grandad wouldn’t have wanted us all to sit around crying. He loved a big family gathering and would have been so happy to see everyone together. Afterwards, we went back to Auntie Clare’s for a little while. Then, it was time to say goodbye. I hugged Nan very tight. Through all of this, she’d managed to be incredibly strong. She’d spent 60 years of her life loving Grandad and the last 9 months giving him amazing care so he didn’t have to go into a care home, something neither of them wanted. Now it was just her and I was worried about her being on her own, however sure she was that she’d be fine. After that, it was time to say goodbye to Grant. He was only staying until Sunday so we wouldn’t be seeing him again. I hugged him tight too. However hard I tried I couldn’t stop myself from feeling. I was absolutely gutted to be saying goodbye again. Who knows when we’ll see him again. He’s very busy working and looking after his three kids. We live at complete opposite ends of the country now and one day doesn’t mean everything is fixed, even if I wish it was. But having everyone together gave Grandad the perfect farewell, I think. Nan even got her customary grandkids photo, which she always used to make Grandad take any time the four of us were in the same place. He’d have been chuffed to know that tradition has carried on, even if he’s not here to be the photographer.
Saturday was a quiet day, just wrapping Christmas presents. On Sunday, Harley and I went to Dad’s for the afternoon. Michelle and Harley started work on their memory scrapbook. Meanwhile, Dad watched a James Bond film and Sam worked on her lego Christmas tree. Later on, Michelle cooked spag bol for us all, which was really tasty. After we’d dropped Michelle off at work and treated ourselves to a Costa, we popped into see Nan on our way home because she was feeling a bit low. It was hardly surprising after the fortnight she’d had and Grant leaving that morning. We all gave her big hugs and she reassured us she was fine, which obviously we didn’t believe. She also gave me Grandad’s Southampton FC coaster, which I’d asked if I could have. I remember him getting it as a 70th birthday present and it’s always sat on the coffee table beside his chair. The Saints crest is raised so I can feel the lettering. It’s just a really nice momento for me to have as well as something that says Southampton in my up north home. Later on, we watched the first episode of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, which is when I always feel like Christmas is really on its way.
Monday and Tuesday were full of me working. We watched I’m A Celeb each night and ate lovely loaded potato skins cooked by Harley on Monday and a delicious chicken stew cooked in the slow cooker on Tuesday; it made the whole house smell lovely and Mum was able to eat a small portion. On Wednesday, Mum went to the dddoctors and had her staples taken out. She was really pleased about how well the wound is healing and having staples instead of stitches means there should be less of a scar. Around lunchtime, I received an audio message from Uncle Dave. He’d managed to record the clip of Grandad doing his father of the bride speech at Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave’s wedding from their wedding video onto his phone so that I could listen to it whenever I wanted. Over the last year or so, since Grandad hadn’t been able to speak very well, I’d realised I didn’t actually have any recordings of him talking before his voice started to change. This makes me very sad. Of course, everyone else has tons of photos to look through to remember him by. But hearing his voice is what I need to remember the man I knew. In the wedding video, he sounds younger than I remember him to be, even though I was present there at 8 years old. Either way, it means I have something to listen back to when I’m missing him most. I have a couple of audio recordings of him talking after his stroke and they make me smile fondly to remember how strong he continued to be, how he never stopped being Grandad. But the wedding video reminds me of the man he really was. A little later, Auntie Clare phoned Harley to tell us Grandad’s ashes were ready to collect. They’d also taken prints of his hands as I’d requested. I’m hoping to get a piece of jewellery made with his fingerprints. Due to the way it’s made, it’ll be tactile. That evening, Mum treated us all to a Dominoes for dinner and we watched the third Bridget Jones film, meaning Harley has finally seen the story in order.
The following day, it was time for me to head home. I’d been in Southampton for 16 days, the longest time I’d spent back down south since I’d lived there. It’s strange how in some ways you can just slot back in as if you’ve never been away but at the same time absolutely everything has changed. Either way, as always I’d loved being down, despite the reasons for it. Grandad’s funeral had been the perfect send off and Mum’s recovery was going well. Of course, she was already doing too much and not resting enough but sometimes she just won’t be told. I’m so glad I was able to be there to help her in her first week home from hospital and to visit her with Harley most days. Whatever had happened, I would have always been down for Grandad’s funeral. Nan did arrange it so it was within my pre-planned visit but I wouldn’t have cared how much it would have cost me in flights to be there for it. As I write this, it’s only 3 days from me flying down again as Kieran and I are going to spend Christmas with my lot this year. I’m looking forward to it a lot, but it is going to be very different without Grandad there too. This time last year, he was 6 days into his stroke recovery and things had started to look worse than they’d originally made us think. He spent last Christmas in hospital and at the time I remember hoping he’d be home with Nan for his next one. Sadly that wasn’t to be and we will miss him being there. But hopefully he’s in a good place now. Mum is doing well. The surgeons and consultants are very happy with her recovery and managed to remove all the cancer. There wasn’t any more infected areas than we already knew about, which is a massive relief. But she does have to start further preventative treatment in the new year. It’s hard for her but if it means she remains cancer-free then it’ll be worth it. Hopefully, 2024 can be the year she kicks cancer’s backside for the final time.
Rest in peace, Grandad John. I will miss you, always, and I wish I told you more just how important and loved you were. I hope you knew without us needing to say it. You were one of the most important figures in my childhood and I’ll never forget how much of an impact you had on my life. You will always be the best man I’ll ever know and I’ll always be so proud to be your granddaughter. Fly high with the birds or sail far on the sea, Grandad, you are always on my mind.
On the 20th of last month, I headed to Southampton for another visit. This time, Kieran stayed behind at home in Blyth so that he didn’t have to take any time off work to come with me. I wasn’t going for any particular reason, except that I’d booked Mum tickets to the Greatest Days Take That Musical at the Mayflower Theatre and had said if I was able I’d go down to go with her and Harley. We’d seen the musical several years ago when it was called The Band and although I couldn’t remember much of it at this point, I did remember us really enjoying it. I’d also booked this trip while I’d been on special leave from work, during the time they were trying to find me a suitable accessible role, so hadn’t thought about the amount of time I was going for. I’d booked 12 days, which is a bit longer than my usual week or so. But at the time I hadn’t cared because I didn’t know if I’d even be returning to work. If they hadn’t been able to find me an accessible role then I’d have been dismissed. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case and I’ve just started my third full month of employment with HMRC supported by a lovely manager. However, this did mean that when I returned I’d booked rather a lot of leave with all the trips I’d taken to Southampton since February. At one point during my extended period of special leave, I was told that none of the time off I took during the leave would count towards my balance of annual leave if/when I returned to work. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the opinion HR took when my annual leave was calculated on my return. Kindly, a manager argued on my behalf and was able to get one of my week’s worth of days down in Southampton returned to me. Somehow, I’ve still managed to book all the days I need during this next year of leave off so I’m very relieved. Even if that hadn’t been the case, I wouldn’t have regretted taking this time off to go down, especially after the news we’d received the previous day. A few weeks earlier, Mum had to go back to the hospital for a scan after something in her blood levels checked from her latest checkup blood test were a bit high. They’d decided to give her a scan as a precaution to ensure everything was ok. Sadly, that isn’t the case. While at work on Tuesday the 19th, the day before I flew down to visit everyone, I was gutted to receive a text message from Mum just after the time of her appointment asking if I was free to talk. As soon as I saw the message I knew it wasn’t good news. I’d already explained the situation to my manager who, very kindly, had said to take any call from Mum as soon as I needed to. So I took myself out of the team meeting we were all in on Microsoft Teams and rang Mum. She told me the cancer is back. It’s by her right hip and in the lymphnodes there. Shaking, I called across the desk to a colleague and asked if I could be taken to one of the quiet rooms I knew we had if we needed them. I knew my manager would realise it was bad news as I’d taken myself out of the team meeting. My colleague walked me to the quiet room and went to inform my manager while I phoned Mum back. There wasn’t much else she could tell me really, except that the mass was small and they couldn’t decide on a treatment plan until they’d seen the results of a PET scan, which they were trying to book as soon as possible. I was gutted and this time Mum sounded upset too. The last two times we’ve had this news she’s seemed quite calm, except when she’s seen us cry. This time, though, I think I’d convinced myself the cancer wouldn’t come back again, not after she’d been through chemotherapy. It’s silly, really, because I know chemo isn’t a guaranteed cure. But I guess I just didn’t want her to have to go through it all again. Once was bad enough. Twice, well, that just wasn’t fair. But three times, we’d thought surely that wouldn’t happen. But then when the blood tests came back abnormal, even by a fraction, and she told me she’d started to get an ache in her hip, I’d started to really worry. It seemed unlikely to be a coincidence. But I’d tried to stay positive, convince myself coincidence was all it was. Apparently not. It was exactly what I’d worried it would be. All I could hold onto at that point was that she was strong, had got through this before and I was going to visit the following day so could be with her and Harley. I spent that afternoon at home instead of working, as everyone told me I should. Kieran gave me lots of hugs and was waiting on the doorstep with the kettle ready when I arrived, even though I hadn’t actually told him I was on my way.
Around 4:30 the following day, Lesley arrived and took me to the airport for my flight. Before we left, she insisted on sending me £20 so I could buy flowers for Mum from her. It was weird saying goodbye to Kieran at the airport. It felt like he should be coming with me and I hadn’t flown on my own since the beginning of this year. But I just wanted to be in Southampton, to give Mum a huge hug. It was heavily raining when we landed and all the passengers waited on the plane for a few minutes until it had eased a bit. Dad and Sam were waiting for me in arrivals and it was great to see them. On our way to Dad’s car, the rain returned and we all got absolutely soaked. Despite my waterproof coat, my sweatshirt was still soggy. We went for food at McDonalds: Sam had a burger meal, I had a nuggets meal plus a portion of mozzarella dippers and Dad had his usual toffee latte. Afterwards, we stopped at Tesco on our way to Mum’s so I could buy the flowers Lesley had asked for. I spent £15 on two big bunches. By the time I reached Mum’s front door, I was even more soaking wet. I gave her the flowers and explained that they were from Lesley. She was very grateful and there were a few tears. The rest of the evening was spent talking, mostly about Mum’s news and what we thought might happen next. Obviously, it was all speculation; we wouldn’t know for sure until after the PET scan. But somehow it seemed to help to talk about it.
While Harley did their volunteering befriending telephone calls and Simon slept after his night shift, on Thursday morning Mum and I caught the bus into town to start my very early Christmas shopping. As Mum enjoys shopping and it gives us a reason to get out of the house, we thought we might as well get started. Plus, it’s a lot easier doing my shopping there as quite a lot of the recipients live down south anyway so doing it up north then posting it down would be impractical. We went to quite a few shops before stopping at a bakery and getting ourselves some lunch, which Mum spent the remaining £5 of Lesley’s flower money on a posh baguette and cake. That evening, Mum made cornbeef hash for dinner, one of our regulars when I was living at home; it was as nice as it always had been.
On Friday, while Simon’s car was in the garage having a new chip fitted, we wandered around Matalan and Home Bargains, picking up some nice bits and pieces. Then, we sat outside Costa for a while. When the car was eventually ready, we went to B&M bargains and did some more shopping before going to the nearby Ship Inn pub for dinner. Harley and I had a portion of loaded potato skins each and shared what was meant to be my macaroni cheese, which was huge and I wasn’t enjoying that much. Luckily, the potato skins were also huge and very nice. Mum and Simon shared creamy mushrooms, calamari and loaded potato skins for starters. Simon also had macaroni cheese but Mum just had the starters as they were enough for her. We just got everything to come out together as it made it easier for everyone. Overall, it was a nice meal; I’d just pick something different for a main meal if we go again.
The following morning around 11, Dad and Sam picked us up for a day of shopping in town. Beforehand, we popped into see Nan and Grandad. Sadly, Grandad still isn’t doing very well. He doesn’t talk much these days but still looks and smiles at you. He’s definitely still listening because Harley says he responds visually. Apparently, when I spoke to him and held his hand I got a huge smile and he squeezed my hand back. We had a good afternoon shopping in town. We went to Poppins for lunch: Dad had his usual brunch with beans; Sam had a cheese and bacon burger and chips; Harley went for chicken strips and chips; I had a tuna and cheese panini and chips. Although we used to complain about how often we went for food at Poppins with Dad, their menu does have a huge variety and the food was absolutely lovely that day.
That evening, while Mum and Simon were out, Harley baked cookies with a cookie dough mix we’d bought the previous day at B&M. It made very tasty cookies that were a lot like the ones you get from Dominoes. We watched the rest of Hebburn that we’d started during my last visit. My day had been made even better around 5pm when the tune of the Disney boat could be clearly heard from my room at Mum’s. It’s only coincidence but it always seems to be in dock when I visit. I love hearing it and shouting to Mum and Harley when it plays its tune, just like we always used to when I lived there.
The next day, Mum cooked a roast dinner for the four of us plus Simon’s mum and her partner. There was gammon and chicken with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, stuffing, cauliflower cheese, broccoli, carrot & swede mash and obviously lots of gravy. We had strawberry cheesecake for pudding. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the meal. During and after we ate, I was listening to the Liverpool vs West Ham match, which Liverpool won 3-1, and afterwards Sheffield United vs Newcastle. Amazingly, Newcastle won the match 8-0, setting some new Premier League records. Kieran was texting me the lyrics to some of the Newcastle players’ songs and I could imagine him singing them at the top of his voice in the flat. Later, we watched Paul Ogrady For The Love Of Dogs, Gogglebox, Pitch Perfect 2 and Match Of The Day.
Harley and I spent Monday with Dad and Nan doing Nan’s weekly shop. We went to Portswood and ended up in the Poppins there for lunch. As she doesn’t get to go out for dinner nowadays due to needing to be with Grandad, we insisted Nan treat herself to a proper meal; she chose ham, egg and chips which has always been a favourite of hers. Of course, Dad had his brunch with beans. I went for another panini, this time bacon, mushroom and cheese, which was also very nice. Harley had a jacket potato with cheese and beans and was very pleased to find they’d put enough butter on, usually an annoyance of theirs with Poppins. Afterwards, we stayed a little while at Nan’s to see Grandad and chat with Auntie Clare who’d been sitting with him. Later, Mum cooked some homemade chips to go with the leftover meat from the roast dinner. She and Harley added coleslaw and I had some beetroot with mine; it made a very nice meal. While we ate, we watched Pointless, Catch Phrase and Strictly.
By the time Harley and I got up on Tuesday morning, Mum had already caught the bus to the hospital for her PET scan, which had been arranged quickly as promised. We were able to see her briefly when she got home, just before Auntie Clare picked us up at 12:15 and took us to Nan and Grandad’s. We spent the afternoon with them and our cousin Lou and her 2-month-old baby daughter Fleur, who is absolutely gorgeous. Lou and her husband have been waiting a long time for a baby and Fleur is the miracle result of IVF. Lou is completely smitten with little Fleur and a great mummy already. I never miss an opportunity for a baby cuddle and it was great to catch up with Lou. Obviously, it was a great chance to spend more time with Nan, Grandad and Auntie Clare too. Grandad was asleep most of the day but Lou took a lovely picture of him smiling with Fleur laid next to him on his bed. Also, Nan made a little spread of food for lunch including sandwiches, warm sausage rolls, crisps, pasta and some little cakes. Harley had brought some of their homemade cornflake cakes which everyone enjoyed. All in all, it was a rather lovely afternoon. That evening, we watched some women’s football and Mum ordered Dominoes for herself and I. She had some chicken wings and I had a bacon and chicken wrap with some potato wedges.
Wednesday was a working from home day for me. I’d agreed with my manager that I’d work a couple of days during my visit so that I didn’t use up so many of the few annual leave days I have left. I worked my usual home working hours of 9 til 5. At lunchtime, Harley ordered Subway for themselves and me while Simon took Mum to the doctors for an emergency appointment about her chest. She’d been feeling a bit rough with a blocked nose and sore throat but it seemed to be getting worse and at times she was struggling to catch her breath. She returned with antibiotics for a chest infection and instructions to go to the acute ward, where she went if she was worried about chemo side effects, if it got any worse. After I’d finished work, Mum cooked lasagne, some sliced potatoes with bacon and a cheesy garlic bread for dinner; again, another of our regulars when I was living there. As always, it was lovely. I listened to Liverpool vs Leicester, which Liverpool won 3-1.
I spent Thursday morning with Jenny, who picked me up and took me to her house to meet her new Bedlington terrier Digbie. Digbie is very fluffy and cute. We spent the time chatting and I enjoyed the salted caramel milkshake she’d bought me. I also met her husband Simon for the first time, which was nice because she’s talked about him lots over the years. Later on, Mum’s Simon drove Mum, Harley and I into town so that we could go for a meal before the musical at the Mayflower. He’d decided not to join us as he had work that night. We went to the Italian restaurant L’Osteria. Which we’d never tried before. Mum had a mushroom risotto, Harley spaghetti Bolognese and me a pizza with salami, ham, mushrooms and pineapple. We shared some garlic dough balls for a starter. The food was really nice, although the portions were far too big. Even so, Mum enjoyed hers so much she ate it all, which is rare for her these days as the original operation she had means she can’t eat as much because it’s too much for her stomach. Afterwards, we popped into a couple of shops before catching the bus that took us a couple of stops to the train station, from which we only had a short walk to the Mayflower. We bought some merchandise, a program and two fridge magnets, then headed to our seats. The musical was brilliant. The storyline was lovely and reminded me, not that I need it right now, that you never know what’s around the corner. I’m so glad I got Mum the tickets because we all thoroughly enjoyed the show.
Friday was my second working from home day. In the morning, I took a break to try and get tickets to Take That’s concert at ST Mary’s stadium in Southampton next year. Originally, I’d planned to get them for just Mum and Harley to go together. But Mum then said Simon would quite like to go as well. Then, after the show the night before and seeing how much Mum enjoyed it, I knew I wanted to be at the concert to see her enjoy that too. Until now, Mum and I have gone to Take That together. The first time was at the O2 in London in June 2017. Then, in May 2019 they played St Mary’s. To begin with, Mum acted as if she wasn’t bothered about going. Again, after seeing her reaction to the musical the night before I knew that wasn’t true. Annoyingly, my app had logged me out, despite me making sure it was ready. I messaged Sam, who I knew was also trying to get tickets, to see if she was having similar problems with her app or the website. But she said it was fine. Eventually, she joined the queue for me, in the hope that one of us would be successful. But by the time we got there, all of the tickets for the St Mary’s show were sold out. There was some expensive standing tickets still available but I knew standing wouldn’t be any good to Mum or Harley. Desperately, I asked Sam to try queues for the shows at the O2 in London, thinking somehow we’d be able to make it work. While we were waiting, Mum shouted up that they’d announced a second date at St Mary’s. I told Sam straight away and she got in the queue. By now, Mum realised I was trying to get tickets and had joined the St Mary’s queue. But she didn’t press the right button for cheapest tickets so when quite pricy ones came up we assumed the cheaper ones had sold out. But then Sam phoned, saying she had four of the lowest priced tickets but actually in good seats if I wanted her to go ahead. At this point, Mum also said she had them. As Sam was already further forward, I asked her to buy them for me and I’d transfer her the money. So she did. We have four tickets to the second date of the Take That concert at St Mary’s next June. Mum was very pleased. I’d decided that I’d buy a fourth ticket provisionally for myself and if I couldn’t get time off work for it someone else could have it. After all the drama of securing the tickets, I actually managed to get quite a bit of work done for the rest of the day. Later on, Mum and Simon went to the kebab van we’ve always loved and Simon bought everyone dinner. Sadly, the food wasn’t as nice as it usually is; the chips were a bit soggy when they’re usually crispy. We spent the evening watching Brassic.
The following afternoon, Dad picked us up at 1:30 and we went to Bitterne where I did a bit more Christmas shopping before Dad and I had our hair cut. Afterwards, we went to Nan’s and everyone decided what they wanted from the chip shop so Harley could phone through the order. While Nan and Harley sorted the plates out, Dad and I went to collect the food. All together we had: an OAP’s fish and chips for Nan; two battered sausages (even though we only asked for one); two fish cakes; a portion of chicken nuggets; a pot of curry sauce; and a medium chips. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the food, even Grandad managed a few chips, a bit of fish, a piece of fish cake and a little bit of sausage. Nan said that was the most he’d eaten in quite a while, which made me very happy. While we ate, we watched the Tottenham vs Liverpool match which ended 2-1. It was a really lovely afternoon with Dad, Harley, Nan and Grandad, thanks to Kieran having the idea before I left. I’m so glad we did it and had that time to spend together. Harley even managed to get Grandad to say a couple of words, although his voice is very raspy now and it clearly takes a lot of effort. But it was good to just be there and make some good memories, especially after Grandad being poorly last time I was down. I squeezed his hand extra tight and gave Nan a big hug when it was time to say goodbye.
To begin with, on Sunday morning we were all going to go out somewhere for dinner. But by this point none of us were feeling that well. Although you can’t catch chest infections, it seemed like we’d all caught Mum’s cough and cold. However, Mum hadn’t done anything the previous day so was a bit fed up of being in the house and I always take any opportunity to go out I get so the two of us decided to go into town for lunch. Neither Harley nor Simon really wanted to come and said they weren’t hungry. During the bus ride, Mum had the idea of doing jacket potatoes for them that night so text with the suggestion. They both seemed keen. We decided to go to Pizza Hut. It was really nice having lunch with just Mum. Being with either Mum or Dad these days is rare but actually going out for a meal with them on their own is pretty much impossible. We had a really nice time and Mum really enjoyed her chicken delight flatbread and salad bowl. I had a meal deal which included a pizza and a side. I chose a create your own pizza with ham, mushrooms, sweet corn, pineapple and a stuffed crust with a portion of fries. I don’t get fries from Pizza Hut often and had forgotten how nice they were. I also had a salad bowl and unlike when we’d visited on my birthday, the salad bar was stocked really well. Afterwards, we popped to Asda to buy the baking potatoes for Harley and Simon’s tea plus some other bits and pieces, which included treats of snowy chocolate fingers, crispy cakes and gingerbread men. Later, we watched a few more episodes of Brassic and the Netflix documentary Biggie: I Got A Story To Tell.
Monday meant my last day of this visit had arrived. I was feeling particularly sad about it this time due to Mum’s news. At the same time, I was looking forward to seeing Kieran again. It felt weird being away this long and knowing he was by himself, except for Coco the cat of course, at home in the flat. But mostly I felt sad. I didn’t want to leave. It’s always hard going, even when I have another visit booked, but even more so when we have bad news. Mum had been told the results of her PET scan and decision on a treatment plan would be on the 6th of October which was only four days later. It felt weird that I would be miles away back up north when she told me them. But that’s just the way it is. I have my life in Blyth now and I love it. But that doesn’t make it any easier being so far away from them all or saying goodbye when I have to. Before the goodbyes, though, I spent the day with Mum and Harley in town so that Harley could get their glasses fixed – the arm had fallen off – and Mum could exchange some items. Once we’d finished in the shops, we decided to sit in Costa for a little while. I had a gingerbread hot chocolate, smoky bacon roll and mini caramel shortbread; Harley went for a pot of macaroni cheese and a hot chocolate; and Mum had her usual white hot chocolate with a slice of salted caramel cake. Since she’s been going to hospital regularly, Mum’s been having a lot of Costa drinks and it’s usually a white hot chocolate. That afternoon, Mum cooked dinner around 5 so that I could eat before I flew. She made omelettes with homemade chips at my request. I’m not brave enough to try and make my own yet. Mine was very nice and I was feeling very full when Dad arrived at 6:15 to take me to the airport. It was very hard saying goodbye to Mum and Harley and it took me a few minutes to feel ok again. Dad drove me to the airport and waited with me for quite a while until assistance came to collect me. I gave him a big hug too. It’s hard saying goodbye to any of them, just a bit harder right now. Although my flight was pretty smooth, at some point my ear popped and became very painful. I was already feeling pretty rubbish with Mum’s cough and cold but by the time I reached Kieran and Lesley in arrivals I couldn’t hear out of my right ear. When we arrived home, I had a hot bath, a cup of tea then led in bed with a heat pad straight from the microwave on my ear. I’m very pleased to say that now, nearly two weeks later, it’s mostly better. It still pops occasionally but I can hear again and it’s not painful anymore. Also, since then Mum has had her results. Thankfully, there was no evidence that the cancer has spread beyond what they already knew from the first scan. They’ll be performing an operation at the beginning of November and will decide on further treatment after that. Really, out of all the potential scenarios she could have received from these results, that was the best possible option. We just have to pray the operation goes well and whatever follows is positive. We need some positive and Mum needs a break longer than a couple of months. I’ve already spoken with my manager and she’s agreed I can work from Southampton for a little while around Mum’s operation so I can be there to support her and Harley. I couldn’t be more thankful or grateful to my manager for this. The idea of not being able to be there for them after Mum comes home from hospital is unbearable. I’ve been there the previous times so need to be there this time too. Whatever else has happened since I was given the job at HMRC, I couldn’t be more thankful for the work flexibility we get and the lovely manager I now have. Working those two days I did down there in September showed me I can work quite effectively there so it shouldn’t be an issue when I need to do it again.
The title of this post is a phrase Mum says repeatedly, especially in situations when it really is an issue. It’s funny because I hadn’t noticed it much until Kieran mentioned it but she always says it when there is an issue with something she’s got to do but doesn’t want to. It makes me giggle every time she says it now and I thought it was pretty appropriate for this post because it is a really fucking big issue!
On the 24th of May, it was time for another trip down south, mainly so I could see everyone down there again but also to celebrate my birthday. Unlike most of the times before, this time it was John who picked us up around 4:30 and took us to the airport because Lesley had tested positive for covid. We arrived at the airport quite early but still checked in fine. Assistance came quickly but sadly weren’t quite up to the usual excellent standard we’ve come to expect at Newcastle airport. Even so, we just about got through security and boarded the plane on time. It was late taking off due to staffing issues. However, it was a smooth flight and we landed in Southampton at around ten to eight. After we’d retrieved our suitcase, assistance guided us into arrivals where Dad and Harley were waiting. On the way home, we stopped off at Tesco so I could buy Mum some flowers to celebrate the all clear scan and blood results she’d received the previous day. After 6 chemotherapy sessions and an operation before that after her second cancer diagnosis, she definitely deserves some good news at last. I don’t for one second take for granted how damn lucky we are that she’s still here. A shop-bought bunch of flowers was nowhere near good enough to tell her how happy I was for this good news and how proud of her I am for going through it like a champion. I cringe at all the well-worn things people say to/about cancer patients, like they’re survivors and heroes and fighters. But I guess she is. As an extra treat, I also bought everyone a Krispy Kreme doughnut: Biscoff for Kieran and I, lemon for Mum, hazelnut for Dad and brownie for Harley. Somehow, Dad managed to eat his as he drove us to Mum’s, shoving the whole thing in his mouth. After all the hugs and hellos, Mum served us slow cooked garlic chicken with new potatoes. It was very nice. We spent the rest of the evening watching the finale of Hell’s Kitchen.
After breakfast the following morning, Mum and I went into town so I could buy birthday presents for Harley’s upcoming 18th and Father’s Day gifts for Dad. On our way to catch the bus home, we popped into Asda for a bit of shopping and bought a French stick so everyone could have rolls for lunch. I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in the sunshine in Mum’s back garden with Kieran, who quickly got sunburnt. That evening, Mum cooked burgers and homemade chips for dinner. She’d bought a selection of burgers so we all chose what we fancied from beef with cheese and bacon, chicken or lamb. They were very tasty. We watched Top Gun Maverick and a Tina Turner concert one of the channels was showing because it’d been announced she’d passed away.
Friday was another boiling hot day so Kieran and I spent it soaking up the sun in Mum’s garden. She covered us both in strong sun cream after seeing how quickly Kieran burns. That night, while Harley was out celebrating a friend’s 18th birthday and Simon had his daughter visiting, Mum cooked a picky bits buffet-style tea. It suited the warm weather very well. It included mini sausage rolls, cocktail sausages, little duck spring rolls, chicken strips, chicken dippers, spicy chicken bits, BBQ chicken wings, pepperoni pizza and new potatoes. We had chocolate bar ice creams afterwards. We watched Catch Phrase while we ate and Travels With My Father after Simon had taken his daughter home.
On Saturday, we went to Go Outdoors, B&M and a healthy food pet shop before dropping everything home and going to The Red Lion Wetherspoons for some food. I had quorn nuggets, haloumi fries and curry chips; Simon and Kieran both had fish and chips; Harley had sausage and mash; and Mum went for the chicken bites basket. It wasn’t the best Wetherspoons meal I’ve had but it was nice to go out somewhere for food and to try something new there. Turns out I quite like their quorn nuggets. Just after we got home, a boat horn started blaring and I smiled a lot when I recognised that it was the Disney boat. It used to be at Southampton docks playing its tune often when I lived at Mum’s and we’d always shouted to each other when we’d heard it. It had been there this time last year, too, and it made me happy to hear it again. Kieran listened to the Coventry vs Luton championship play off match, which Luton won on penalties, meaning they got promoted. Later on, we watched Britain’s Got Talent and some boxing with Mum and Simon.
Around a quarter past one the next day, after Mum and Simon had left for a day out in town, Dad picked the three of us up and drove to KFC so we could buy food for everyone to take to Nan and Grandad’s. When we arrived, there was big hugs all round. It’s always great to see them but even more so since Grandad had a stroke in December. He’s changed a lot and it always makes me sad to see him as he is now. But that good old Grandad spirit is definitely still there. While we enjoyed the KFC, Nan had 60s music playing and Grandad kept naming the artists, getting the majority of them spot on; Elvis, Bill Haley and Roy Orbison had always been some of his favourites. I was very pleased that Grandad enjoyed the KFC. He managed a chicken strip, some mash potato, a couple of popcorn chicken balls, beans and some gravy. Afterwards, Nan surprised me with her lovely homemade apple crumble, which has always been my favourite thing she cooks since I was little. For years, going to Nan and Grandad’s for a meal on Wednesday afternoon was a tradition. Since Dad moved to live slightly further away and Nan became Grandad’s full-time carer, which is very draining for her, Wednesday dinners have become a thing of the past. They are some of my fondest memories of times with Nan and Grandad. Once we’d finished all the food, also including a bowl of sweets Nan had put on the table for everyone to share, Harley and I walked to the little shop around the corner to get Nan some milk. As we arrived back, Grandad’s carers had turned up for their third visit of the day. Nan and Grandad like to call them “his boys” because he doesn’t like them referred to as carers. Not long after they left, it was time for the football to start. It was the final day of the premier league season and a fixture I look forward to every year… Southampton vs Liverpool. It was a Southampton home match and although I’d looked, I hadn’t been able to purchase tickets to go. It felt weird being back in my hometown to listen to them play my team. Sadly, Southampton had already been relegated from the premier league by this point and Liverpool were unable to claim a champion’s league place. It was a great game, which we listened to on BBC Radio Solent via grandad’s little radio, and ended 4-4. Meanwhile, Kieran was listening to Chelsea vs Newcastle which also finished a draw at 1-1. During the game, Grandad took me completely by surprise when he asked where one of the Liverpool players, who they’d recently announced was leaving the club at the end of the season, was going. It made me so happy because it just shows that he is still aware of what’s happening and taking onboard some new information, even if it doesn’t stay in his memory for long. Another thing I was pleased about was that, after my suggestion, Nan tried Grandad drinking from a Greggs reusable cup and it was a success. She’d told me that he’d been struggling drinking from the straws we’d bought him to try last time and I’d wondered if the opening on a travel cup might be more suitable. Seems it worked. Around half past six, Dad decided it was time to head home. Just like last time, I have some funny quotes from Grandad to make me smile when I need it. First of all, Nan told us how, when he’d first woken up that morning, he’d turned to her and said, very seriously, “I’ve got some news… Martin’s lost his job again”. This had us all laughing, although hoping it wasn’t a premonition. The second was much more personal to Nan and Grandad, involving him casually asking her “well did you enjoy it?” and when she asked him what he was talking about he replied, “the sex”. If nothing else, it’s good amusement, bless him. The actual blog title for this post came after we were home, while Harley, Kieran and I were messing around and making each other laugh. I said “don’t tickle my smelly armpit” and it seemed to stick.
The following day brought my 26th birthday. I’m officially feeling very old. After we’d showered, we went downstairs where Mum had put up a balloon, banners and sprinkled confetti on the table in the front room. She always enjoys making a big fuss on our birthday, hence the crazy amount of presents she always buys. This year was no different. Amongst other things, she’d bought me a birthstone Pandora charm; lots of body shop products; some wax melts; essential oils; a microwaveable heat pack; Lush bath bombs, conditioner bar and shampoo bar; a funny Harry Potter shower cap; a Harry Potter luggage tag; a Liverpool mug. Harley gave me a cool pineapple window sign and a fidget ring; a bottle of coconut Body Shop perfume from Simon; Vouchers and money from Kieran’s family; a cool sisters Pandora charm from Imi which splits into two halves so we have one each. The only sadness was that nobody put the Stevie Wonder birthday song on, which has been a tradition in that house for as long as I can remember. Around one o’clock, we went into town and to a few shops before going up to Pizza Hut in West Quay to meet Dad, Michelle, Nan and Auntie Clare for my birthday meal. The best part about the whole thing was that Nan was able to join us. Since Grandad came home from hospital, she’s barely been out anywhere, not having many people to sit with him if she wanted to go out and not feeling it’s right to ask them. But together Auntie Clare and I had insisted this time. It was weird enough not having Grandad there with us, I didn’t want Nan to miss out too. Once everyone was there, I opened the gifts they’d given me. First, from Dad and Michelle, I got the new 23-24 Liverpool women’s home shirt with Paige 26 printed on the back, some body shop goodies and a personalised Liverpool birthday card. Then, a card and money from Nan. Next, a big bag of body shop products from my good pal Sam (Josh, who has chosen the name Sam and she/her pronouns for herself as she identifies as a transgender woman). Finally, a dog Pandora charm from Auntie Clare. By this point, I was feeling thoroughly spoilt as I’d also received presents from Kieran in the form of gift vouchers for Pandora and Zizi that arrived by email overnight. The food was lovely. I had a salad bowl containing grated carrot, beetroot, sweet corn, peppers, crispy bacon bits and garlic mayo; a stuffed crust Hawaiian pizza with added mushrooms; and a white chocolate salted caramel cookie dough for pudding. Kieran had a stuffed crust spicy meat feast pizza and shared some of the new cheesy melts with Harley. Harley themselves had a bowl of salad and a create your own pizza with a BBQ base, chicken and ham and a chocolate chip cookie dough for pudding. Both Dad and Michelle had salad bowls and shared a portion of cheesy melts, some corn on the cob and a meat feast pizza with added peppers and mushrooms. Again, Mum and Simon had salad bowls and shared a meat feast pizza with added mushrooms. Auntie Clare and Nan also decided to share a pizza, going for half and half so they could both have what they wanted; they both had salad bowls and shared a portion of onion rings. The only complaint was that the choice at the salad bar was very limited. Just before our puddings arrived, everyone began singing happy birthday to me and a millionaire’s shortbread cake arrived, arranged by Mum. After the bill had been paid, I said goodbye to Dad and Michelle and the rest of us went downstairs to Pandora. I wanted Nan to help me choose a charm to represent herself on my bracelet. She chose a lovely sun, moon and stars dangling charm because she often puts moon and stars emojis at the end of her goodnight text messages. Lovely staff member Debbie was great at describing all of the charms with me and guiding my hands over them to show me the smaller details. She was also very intrigued by my Pandora necklace, which I’ve been adding to since 2016 and is now full. She seemed really happy to see some of the old charms they no longer sell. Later that evening, we watched more Britain’s Got Talent and I had a slice of my birthday cake, which was very nice but incredibly sweet; Mum knows my taste well. Overall, it was a pretty great birthday. I was thoroughly spoilt by everyone, was able to see most of my family and enjoyed a really lovely meal out.
After the busy day before, we enjoyed a few hours chilling in Mum’s back garden the next day. I ate my leftover pizza for breakfast and it was just as nice cold. Around 5 o’clock, we caught the bus into town so that I could claim my free Costa slice of cake, which is a reward you get on the Costa Club app when it’s your birthday, and use a body shop voucher. Primarily, though, we’d gone into town to meet my friend Tiny, his wife Nicky and gorgeous guide dog Millsey for dinner. We’d agreed on TGI Fridays and it turned out to be a good choice. Kindly, Tiny and Nicky had bought me a cool sequin birthday card of a football that changed colour if you moved the sequins up and down and a posh pizza slicer; this was because when they came to visit Kieran and I in December we’d had a conversation about how hard it is to cut up pizza without losing all your toppings. For the meal, I had the starter, fries and refill drink for £10 deal, choosing the Jack Daniels glazed sesame chicken strips. Mum and Harley also chose this deal, sharing two of them between them, having the loaded potato skins and Jack Daniels glazed sesame chicken strips. Kieran, Tiny and Nicky all went for the other good deal on, a starter and main course for £20. Kieran had sticky wings and the Fridays burger; Tiny chose the loaded potato skins and Fridays burger; Nicky went for Jack Daniels glazed sesame chicken strips and the quesadilla. Everyone seemed to agree the food was excellent. Even Millsey received good customer service as he was offered a bowl of water, a huge floor space to stretch out on and was left alone by the staff and other diners. It was so nice to see Tiny and Nicky again and I hope we can meet up again when I’m visiting or they have to come up north for work-related things at Guide Dogs. Once we were home, it was more Britain’s Got Talent. Mum got the song One More Time by Daft Punk stuck in her head after it was used in one of the act’s performances and kept singing it as we got ready for bed. I couldn’t stop laughing and she kept singing it every time she heard me giggle. I commented that she’d end up singing it in her sleep.
Auntie Clare picked Kieran, Harley and I up around half past ten the following morning and took us to Nan and Grandad’s. Nan needed to go out to do her weekly shopping so we’d arranged for the three of us to stay with Grandad while Auntie Clare took Nan out. It was nice to be able to help Nan out and even better that I was able to spend a bit more time with the three of them while I was visiting. Grandad was in good spirits again. I did my best to make conversation with him, asking him what he’d had for breakfast and whether he’d watched Britain’s Got Talent as I knew Nan sometimes did. Even though I listed as many options as I could think of, he couldn’t recall what he’d had for breakfast. But he did remember watching Britain’s Got Talent and the crazy guy who’d put a sword down his throat. Also, at one point he asked Kieran whether there was any sport on and they were able to have a little conversation about that. Around two o’clock, after Grandad’s “boys” had been for their lunchtime visit, Nan and Auntie Clare arrived with Greggs for lunch. We had sausage rolls and Yum Yums which were very nice. Just after three, Auntie Clare took Kieran, Harley and I back to hers for the rest of the afternoon. I gave Nan and Grandad big hugs before I left, trying to explain to Grandad that I’d see him next time I was visiting. I always feel that extra bit of sadness saying goodbye to them these days. I’m very aware that they’re both getting older and Grandad especially isn’t in the best of health any more. While Kieran and I lounged on the comfy sofa in Auntie Clare’s conservatory with crazy pup Teddy, Harley and Auntie Clare made cookie dough for our pudding. When Uncle Dave arrived, we all decided what we wanted from the Chinese takeaway and Auntie Clare phoned through to order. Uncle Dave went to collect it and we all enjoyed sharing curry chips, special fried rice, sweet & sour chicken balls, mini vegetable spring rolls and chicken chow mein. The food was very tasty and made a great combination for everyone. The homemade cookie dough pudding was also very nice and we were all very full afterwards. Later on, at home with Mum we watched more Britain’s Got Talent.
The following morning, Jenny popped round for a coffee and a catch up. She bought me some very cute birthday gifts of a handmade birthday card, dog patterned oven glove and little Labrador key ring. It was really good to see her again and nice to catch up. In the afternoon, Mum, Harley and I caught the bus into town, grabbed some snacks and drinks from the little Tesco Express nearby and went to the Mayflower to see the Disney’s Winnie the Pooh production I’d bought tickets to for Mum’s birthday. It was a kids show really but Mum loves Winnie the Pooh and it sounded like it’d be fun, which it was. We were definitely the oldest people without little children there by a mile but I didn’t care; Mum enjoyed it so it had the intended affect. That evening, Mum cooked chicken and chips with warm bread for dinner. It felt like a very summery meal. Afterwards, we had fudge cake and watched yet more Britain’s Got Talent.
Friday was spent in and out of the garden. The weather was still hot and Kieran was adding to his tan. I read two books: Sandi Lewis’s Living with Max, her first-hand experience of having a child with Down’s Syndrome, and foster carer Louise Allen’s Billy’s Story, which is her memoir of the sickening state little Billy was in when he was placed in her care and the horrors that emerged about what he’d been through. Although these fostering memoirs sound quite bleak, I really enjoy reading them to get a better understanding of what being a foster carer is like and the circumstances some children come from leading to them having to go into care. It’s strange because I feel like saying I enjoy those kinds of books is offensive to the children they’re written about considering the hardships they’ve been through. I guess “find them interesting” sounds just as bad but I don’t know how else to describe it. That night, Simon and Mum drove to the kebab van we’ve always loved and bought food back for everyone. Kieran and I shared a large mixed kebab with large chips. Mum and Simon did the same; Harley had chicken nuggets and chips. The food was lovely as always. We’d dithered between a Chinese takeaway or kebab and I was very glad kebab won. Yet more Britain’s Got Talent on the TV.
Around midday on Saturday, Simon drove the five of us to the nearby Mayfield Nurseries, a volunteer run small garden centre and café. Technically, it is within walking distance but is a bit too far for Mum, who’s still recovering from the after effects of surgery and chemo; plus, it was pretty hot out. We enjoyed a nice lunch: ham and cheese sandwich, triple chocolate brownie and a strawberry milkshake for Harley; a biscoff blondie and biscoff milkshake for me; an apple and cinnamon cake with a biscoff milkshake for Kieran; a raspberry & white chocolate cake and a coke for Mum; tuna mayo sandwich, slice of carrot cake and a chocolate milkshake for Simon. It’s a lovely little place and the food and drinks are all very fresh, being handmade by the volunteer staff. Later on, Mum and Simon went out to meet some friends to celebrate one of their birthdays. The three of us decided to order takeaway: cheesy chips and breaded garlic mushrooms for me; cheese burger with BBQ sauce for Harley, who had a few of my cheesy chips; Kieran had a burger with cheese, bacon and chilis and some chips; we shared a garlic bread. We watched an episode of Gogglebox and a documentary about Ed Sheeran. When they’d come home from their night out, Mum and Simon ordered a curry. Two more potential blog titles came that evening, one thanks to Suggs “he keeps getting his willy out” because he kept rubbing it across Mum’s fluffy mat in the front room and “I want my curry” said continuously by Mum who was staring out of the bedroom window waiting for the delivery driver to arrive.
At a quarter to one on Sunday, Kieran and I walked to the nearby bus stop so we could catch the bus into town to meet Sam. However, there was delays on the busses so Mum, Simon and Harley picked us up and took us into town on their way to Tesco. Once with Sam, we caught the 14:03 train to Bournemouth. After that, we got on the bus that dropped us off near The Moon In The Square Wetherspoons. We’d decided it’d be a good idea to have a meal there and sit there as long as we could before going to the Bournemouth International Centre (BIC) to see Russell Howard perform his latest stand-up tour. I had scampi and chips with mushy peas and some haloumi fries; I did order some curry sauce but it never came. Kieran and Sam had chicken burgers and chips and Kieran ordered some extra onion rings, not realising his meal already had some included. While Kieran and Sam had more drinks, I had the cookie dough sandwich, which was lovely although not warm like the description claims. At a quarter past six, we left the pub and went for a wander along Bournemouth beach. Another potential blog title came here when, as we walked, I kept saying “doughnuts” then “weed” repeatedly as the smells wafted. Russell Howard’s show had us all crying with laughter. It’s definitely the funniest live show we’ve been to in a while. Also, the reason the tour name hadn’t been found when we searched for was revealed… because he’d named the show “lucky jizz”. Dad and Michelle picked us up after the show. Sam, Kieran and Dad all enjoyed singing along to his rather diverse playlist on the way home.
As usual, the last day of our visit had arrived too soon. At first, this trip seemed to go nice and slowly, because it was longer than it normally is, but towards the end it flew by. We spent most of the day sat in Mum’s garden soaking up the warm weather. The forecast said Blyth was a whole 10 degrees cooler. At 4pm, Mum cooked us meatballs and nachos with garlic bread. We’d wanted to have a meal before we left because it would be late by the time we got home and there was no way we were going to cook or order something by then. Plus, I always enjoy it when Mum makes nachos with meatballs. Again,, it didn’t disappoint. By the time Dad, with Michelle and Sam, picked us up around a quarter past six to go to the airport, I was still feeling very nicely full. Big hugs all round for Mum and Harley. As always, it felt horrible saying goodbye again. My next trip to Southampton is scheduled for July to celebrate Harleys’ 18th birthday. I still can’t quite believe they’re going to be a legal adult. If me turning 26 didn’t manage to make me feel old, Harley reaching 18 certainly does.
So another great visit home has come and gone. It was really great that I managed to spend so much time with all my family. But it’s never long enough. I was treated to a really excellent birthday and am so glad I managed to spend it with everyone, although it was sad Grandad and Sam weren’t there. It’s amazing to see Mum recovering from her chemotherapy. She did really well throughout the treatment, only having relatively minor side effects. The fact that she lost all her hair was the hardest thing she had to deal with. But it’s growing back lovely now; she’s certainly grumpy that she has to shave her legs again! Getting extra time with Dad was nice too, due to his new work schedule that gives him more days off each week. It was especially great to spend a couple of lovely days with Nan and Grandad. I miss them a lot and FaceTime isn’t quite as good as being there in person. Of course, takeaway with Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave plus the meal out with Tiny and catch up with Jenny were great bonuses. I can’t wait to be able to see everyone again in just over a month. Hopefully, we’ll be lucky with some more nice weather so we can enjoy Mum’s garden again. Although it’s heated up considerably up here now, the temperature really was 10 degrees cooler when we landed and it was quite a shock to the system.
Due to the week this post is written about being never meant to happen, this post was never meant to happen either. But after a spur of the moment decision on my behalf, here it is. On 30 November, my Mum had her second operation of the year to remove a cancerous mass, this time from her groin rather than stomach. We were told the cancer had returned on the 14th October while I was visiting Southampton. In a weird way, I’m so glad I was there when Mum had to break the news to us. Of course, she would have done it anyway, just over the phone. But these kinds of thing are much better said in person. I had time just to sit and figure it all out in my head. We were able to have a cry together and discuss it as much as we needed to. That just isn’t the same miles away. Mum had a PET scan to confirm the size of the mass and enable the consultants and surgeons to decide on a treatment plan. They decided to operate first and then follow up with chemotherapy just to be sure everything is gone and give Mum the best chance of it not recurring again. Her operation date was set for 7 December and we all just waited for it to come. Then, a cancellation slot became available and they offered it to Mum who, although hesitant, agreed for it to be moved forward to 30 November. She began frantically making sure everything was ready for Christmas, worrying that not everything would get done to her standards if she left it until afterwards. Before her surgery date, the decorations were put up, majority of the presents wrapped and cards sent out to everyone. She packed her case, did all the laundry, separated out the correct amount of dog food portions into containers for how long she anticipated being in hospital. Every eventuality was covered. Harley packed a bag of essentials to stay at Auntie Clare’s for a few nights. Everything was ready. But on the day before the operation I just felt wrong. Mum and Harley had been messaging me with varying degrees of worry and optimism. I just felt like I needed to be there. So, thanks to my good pal Josh’s organisation skills and Lesley’s help, I made it so I could be. On the Tuesday morning, I messaged Josh and asked how horrendously expensive would train tickets to Southampton for the following day be. I fully expected him to give me some ridiculous price or tell me it just wasn’t possible at all. But he came back with a very reasonable amount, especially considering I was booking less than 24 hours in advance. Of course, he said I could make it even cheaper if I had a rail card. Mine had expired years ago and as I usually only travel accompanied by either Josh or Kieran, who both use trains more frequently than me and have valid rail cards themselves, I never really saw the point of renewing. Obviously, right at that moment I wished I had bothered. Quickly, I went onto the website to purchase a new one. I got halfway through the process before finding the website was experiencing technical difficulties. Both Kieran and Josh tried on several different devices for me just in case they had better luck. But nothing changed. So I just went ahead and booked without a rail card. Really, I wouldn’t have actually made any savings on what I spent that day as the cost of the rail card brought the total amount spent up to the original price of the ticket without the rail card. It would have only made me savings for the return trip. Once Josh had told me train times, I messaged Lesley and asked if there was any way she could take me to Morpeth station the following morning for an 8:55 train. I knew she was going to work, which is in Morpeth, that day so hoped it would be ok. She responded immediately, knowing it was Mum’s surgery date, and just asked if I was going to Southampton. She said it was no problem, although I needed to be ready early because traffic is usually heavy. I didn’t care about that. I just wanted to be down there with Harley, to be there for them and to be able to see Mum as soon as I could after her operation. I felt like if I was physically down there I could do things around the house, like hoovering or tidying, that Mum just wouldn’t be able or allowed to do once she came home. Simon works during the week and Harley is at college so I thought could help by being there during the day the first few days Mum was home. Being sat up here only being able to offer a chat over FaceTime didn’t feel like enough. Once everything was booked, I thanked Josh and Lesley over text message then went to give Kieran a big hug. I wouldn’t have been able to put my idea into action without any of their support and I really appreciated it.
I decided not to tell Mum, Harley, Dad or my grandparents I was coming down. I thought it would be nicer as a surprise. Plus, the journey that we’d booked meant I was travelling on the London underground by myself, something I’d never attempted before. My family are well-known for panicking so I thought it’d be easier not to worry them, especially as Harley would be worried enough as it was while Mum was having her operation. Another helpful thing about me travelling that day was that I had something to focus on during Mum’s surgery. I knew I’d never have been able to relax sitting reading a book during the day while waiting for news like I usually do most days. But I did need to tell someone because I needed someone to meet me at Southampton Central station and take me to Nan and Grandad’s where Harley and Dad would be having dinner. As Dad would be at work at the time I was due to arrive and Grandad doesn’t drive any more, I asked Auntie Clare. Josh said he’d have helped but he was working. Auntie Clare agreed almost immediately, after offering to pay the price of a plane ticket to get me there instead as that would be easier. The plane price was twice the price I spent on the train ticket and meant I wouldn’t reach Southampton until the evening. The train meant I’d be there before teatime. If we were lucky, I’d be able to visit Mum in hospital that evening. I packed a bag and Josh booked passenger assistance so that I’d be met at each station and helped onto my next train. My journey went from Morpeth, change at Newcastle, change at London King’s cross onto the underground, get off the underground at Victoria and onto the train from Victoria down to Southampton. I was mainly nervous about the change at Newcastle. Although the underground might be more scary, I’ve never had any issues with assistance on the underground before. Once, when Josh and I were travelling home from a visit up here, passenger assistance didn’t meet us off our train at Newcastle and it took a while to find someone else to help us onto our connecting train. Those moments worrying you might not find anyone to help you so you could miss your train are pretty daunting and that’s even with Josh, who is probably one of the most capable visually impaired travllers I know, by my side. The idea of nobody meeting me to help at Newcastle on an early morning by myself worried me. I only had a short amount of time to catch my connecting train, too, so couldn’t afford errors. Plus, as Josh had reassured me, the underground is always busy and someone, whether that be member of staff or public, always passes by and asks if you need any help if you’re standing looking lost.
As it turned out, I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I got up at 6am the following morning, showered and had breakfast. After adding the last essentials to my rucksack and hugging Kieran goodbye, I went with Lesley at 8am to the train station. As she’d predicted, we got stuck in some traffic but arrived in plenty of time for my train. As the train arrived, Lesley took me to the guard and explained that they needed to make sure assistance met me at Newcastle to help me onto my next train. The guard was excellent, helping me to a seat and then guiding me off the train at Newcastle and handing me over to another member of staff who took me straight to the platform of my next train. Ten minutes after I’d settled on the train from Newcastle to King’s Cross, I had a text from Mum to say she was going down to theatre. It’s a weird moment, knowing this is it and she’s in the hands of the surgeons now. Although they’re of course incredibly well qualified and amazing at what they do, you still can’t help feeling wobbly. Luckily, I had the excitement of going down to surprise everyone to keep me occupied. I put my earphones in and played all my favourite songs. About an hour into the journey, I realised I really needed the loo. I wasn’t really sure what to do so messaged both Kieran and Josh asking if they knew any way I could contact a member of the train crew to help me. Other than wait for one to pass and call out to them, neither had any suggestions. As I really needed to go, I leant across the aisle and asked a random member of the public if he could help me find someone. Straight away, he got up and went to get someone for me. That’s when I met train crew staff member Paul, who was great at helping me. He guided me to and from the toilet and once I’d sat back down told me to stay in my seat when we arrived in London and he’d come and help me onto the platform and to a member of assistance staff; and he did just that. The assistance continued to work flawlessly at King’s Cross. Someone guided me to the entrance to the underground, where I was handed over to another member of staff who helped me onto the tube. While I was on the tube I felt a little bit nervous. Luckily, it had really clear instructive announcements that meant I knew exactly when to get off. As I was getting up to make my way off, a random member of the public offered to help me. Although I’d have been fine doing it myself, I accepted and let them guide me off. I do this because I always think that by me accepting their support it might mean they offer help to someone else in the future who really needs it. Plus, it means I’m that little bit safer. As soon as I stepped off, another member of underground staff was there and took me to meet a member of the overground staff at Victoria. He took me to the assistance seating area, where I had about half an hour to wait. Just as he was guiding me towards my 1:35 train, my phone started to ring. Quickly, I stopped and checked. It was Mum, FaceTiming to tell me she was in recovery. Of course, as my visit was still a secret, I couldn’t answer a video call. I wouldn’t have been able to hear her anyway and needed to board my train. I sent her a rushed text saying I’d call her back in a few minutes. As soon as I was settled in my seat on the train to Southampton, I phoned her back. Still very drowsy, she didn’t really say much. But she was able to tell me she was ok and that was more than enough. It made my journey that little bit more exciting. I was so relieved she was all right. I think the scariest part was while she was in surgery unable to contact us. Although she was groggy now and the onward recovery is going to be long, at least she was able to talk to us again, tell us what was going on. I couldn’t wait for her reaction when she realised I was going down to see her. I’d wiped a few tears away and was smiling like an idiot; can’t imagine what my fellow passengers thought… But I just relaxed and enjoyed the rest of my journey. Mum was out of surgery, it seemed to have gone well, she was awake and talking fine and I’d done the scary part of my journey. Assistance had been amazing and the underground hadn’t been bad at all.
I arrived into Southampton Central right on time at 16:03. Again, a member of staff had told me to stay in my seat and assisted me off the train, where Uncle Dave was waiting to meet me. He took me to the car where Auntie Clare and puppy Teddy were waiting. We went and had McDonald’s for dinner nearby before driving to Nan and Grandad’s to surprise everyone. The reactions were definitely the best part. While Uncle Dave helped Auntie Clare get out of the car, I knocked on Nan’s front door. Quietly, Uncle Dave told me it was Harley coming to open it. “What the hell!” they exclaimed, giving me a massive hug. Nan, who was cooking at the stove, came in shock. Then, Harley shouted to Dad who did his trademark grumpy “what do you want?” to which I walked into the front room where he was sitting and said “who do you think you’re what the hell-ing?”. We had big hugs all round and then Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave came in. I explained what I’d done and how it’d been planned while they ate their dinner. Then, Harley messaged Mum to find out if she could have visitors that evening. But she hadn’t been moved from her recovery bay across the road to the hospital and her permanent ward so had been told no visitors. Obviously, I was quite disappointed; being able to wander onto her ward and surprise her that way the night of her surgery was the ultimate. But doing it via FaceTime while sat in my old bedroom was a close second. To begin with, she thought Harley and I were doing some sort of split screen FaceTime call. But then she recognised the wall behind me and that we were sitting next to each other. She swoere at me, like everyone else seemed to be. Harley said she cried a bit. It was just so good to be there. Again, I told her the story of how it had all happened. Like everyone else, she couldn’t believe I’d managed to keep it a secret and that I’d gone on the underground by myself. Nan’s reaction to that was the best; she said I wasn’t allowed to surprise them like this again or she might have a heart attack, she couldn’t stop shaking. Obviously, they were all pleased really. It was so good to surprise them, especially Mum. She spent the rest of the evening messaging me thanking me for coming. While we were on FaceTime, she told us she was still in recovery and hadn’t seen her surgeon for the report on how her operation had gone and for him to check on everything. That needed to happen before she could move. She said she wasn’t in any pain and hoped to have something to eat soon. After we’d said goodbye, Simon arrived. We thought we’d play a little prank on him. Of course, Harley was supposed to be staying at Auntie Clare’s so the house should have been dark and empty so he was already surprised when he came in to see Harley on the stairs. Harley said, “I’ve got a bit of a surprise for you…” and then I walked around the corner on the landing so he could see me too. “What the fuck are you doing here?!” was his exact response, but in a good way; I did check with Harley and he was definitely smiling. We went downstairs and chatted a bit and then he got Mum on the phone. In amongst talking about how she was doing and how the surgery had gone, they kept saying about how much of a sod I was for surprising everyone. I could tell Mum was pleased though. A little later, we were told that the surgeons had successfully removed the mass showing on the PET scan, which had multiplied from a few millimetres to the size of a ping pong ball, but had also taken away another two lumps, each the size of a ten pence piece. Although it was reassuring to hear they’d got everything, it was scary to know there had been more cancer in there than we’d realised. The amount the original mass had grown and the new lumps were worrying. But we focused on they’d got everything. The surgeons were pleased with how it had gone.
The following morning, we woke with the news that Mum had eaten a couple of sandwiches and a yoghurt and had a good night’s sleep; she still wasn’t in pain. We celebrated by listening to Christmas songs because it was the 1st of December. We also had a laugh about how Mum had posted me an advent calendar and now I’d be a week late in starting it. After Harley had finished their volunteering phone calls, we caught a bus into Southampton town centre and went for lunch at Pizza Hut while we waited to see when we could visit Mum. She’d checked with the nurses and we were allowed to visit in her current recovery ward but she was going to be moved across to her permanent ward in the hospital opposite very soon. Originally, Harley and I were just going to grab a quick lunch at the Subway in the hospital. But I decided it would be a good idea to get a bigger meal so we didn’t have to worry about getting dinner that night, as we also didn’t know what time we’d get home after visiting Mum. It was also a nice chance for us to spend some time together just us. We both had unlimited refill drinks and unlimited salad bar. Harley had a stuffed crust margarita pizza and I had a stuffed crust Hawaiian pizza. We had cookie dough for dessert, Harley’s chocolate chip and mine white chocolate with salted caramel sauce. The food was excellent and we felt very full on our bus ride to the hospital. As we arrived, Mum messaged to say she’d been moved at last. Harley phoned the number of the ward and asked if we could visit. We were allowed in straight away. Mum was in the corner by the window in a little ward of four occupied beds. Just like when she was in the Royal Marsden for her last operation, she was the youngest patient by several years. The nurses and ward sisters were all very nice and we managed to stay with Mum for about an hour and a half. While we were there, her evening meal was brought round. It consisted of macaroni cheese, some veg and a weird sponge pudding in a pot. She said it was worse than school dinners but tried to eat as much as she could manage. Towards the end of our visit, she messaged Simon and asked him to pick us up on his way home from work. Unfortunately, we’d used up Mum’s allowance of two visitors per day so Simon wasn’t able to see her. Mum said he didn’t mind too much and he’d be able to see her the following day as, all going according to plan, after the surgeon had seen her she was allowed to come home. We were all so pleased.
On Friday morning, Mum confirmed she’d definitely be coming home that day, although she didn’t know what time yet. So Harley went to college as usual and we said we’d update them as soon as we knew. It also made sense for Harley to go to college for the day because they were scheduled to look after Auntie Clare’s puppy Teddy that evening while Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave went to a birthday party; their house is just around the corner from Harley’s college. Obviously, before I’d disrupted everyone’s plans, Harley was meant to be staying at their hourse so would have just been there to look after him. After they’d left for college, I hoovered the house and did some cleaning. Mum arrived home around 2pm and it was so good to see her. I think visiting her the day before had been the first time I’d seen her in hospital since Harley was born. Ironically, Mum’s never ill. By now, she was in a bit of pain but still managing to stay cheery and positive. She came home with a drain in, which is in until the 16th when she’ll go back for a scan and to have it and the staples on the surgery site removed. While Mum had a nap on the sofa, I went upstairs where, via FaceTime, Josh helped me book my return train tickets for the following Wednesday. Kieran had already told me to stay longer if I wanted to but I needed to go back at some point and had always had a week’s stay in mind; prolonging it only makes it harder. Plus, I’d only packed enough medication for a week. My original Christmas visit is booked for the 27th anyway so it won’t be long until I’m there again.
When she’d arrived home, one of Mum’s first questions had been what were we going to have for dinner. None of us had any suggestions. I’d thought that between us Simon and I would find something out of the freezer to cook. But Mum really wanted to order a Chinese. We were all pretty hungry so as soon as it opened we placed an order. Mum had a mushroom curry with fried rice; Simon ordered hot and sour soup and a chicken, gravy, chips, peas and mushroom dish; I chose sweet and sour chicken and special fried rice; we shared prawn crackers and a platter which had veggie spring rolls, curry samosas, seaweed and crab claws. Unfortunately, the food quality was pretty poor and Simon’s meal was so cold he had to go and collect another portion as well as getting some chips because they’d missed those off the order. We spent the evening watching the Cameroon vs Brazil world cup match (1-0) until Harley returned from looking after Teddy.
Saturday meant Harley’s usual day to spend with Dad. As Simon was home and Mum just needed to rest, we thought we might as well go out with Dad for a few hours as planned. Dad and Michelle picked us up a little after midday and we drove to Eastleigh where we met Nan and Grandad, who’d caught the bus. We went to say hello to Josh, who was working. While we were there, Josh offered to come on the train to London with me on Wednesday. This would mean I could do the quicker route on the underground, which includes one change, and have time to get some lunch at King’s Cross; so of course I accepted. It was a nice opportunity for Josh and I to catch up and obviously company is always welcome, especially as travelling from Southampton to Newcastle, or vice versa, makes a long day. Once we’d said goodbye to Josh, we headed to Poppins for some lunch: Dad and Grandad had cooked breakfasts; Nan enjoyed ham, egg and chips; Harley had a cheese burger with a jacket potato and beans; Michelle had a loaded burger with chips; and I went for a tuna and cheese panini with chips. After we’d finished eating, we went to a few shops before saying goodbye to Nan and Grandad, who were ready to head home on the bus. On our way home, we popped into see Auntie Clare to give her our Christmas cards and a Guide Dogs 2023 calendar I’d been given for free in my new sponsor a puppy pack. Later, we spent the evening watching Catch Phrase, Dirty Dancing and Love Actually.
I spent Sunday helping Mum with laundry and online Christmas shopping. Simon cooked roast chicken with roast potatoes, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower and sprouts. Not that I joined in with the sprout eating. Later on, Simon took Mum to the hospital because her drain was leaking fluid. The nurses decided to put a dressing over the operation site to protect from infection, even though the surgeon had originally said it was better left uncovered because it would heal better. While they were gone, Harley and I did the washing up and tidying in the kitchen. Then, Harley attempted to slice up the pineapple I’d bought to have while I was staying. It turned into quite a challenge for them as they’d never cut a pineapple before so used a YouTube video as guidance. This gave the other possible title for this post: “how to butcher a pineapple: my surprise trip home”. When Mum arrived home, we watched the England vs Senegal match, which ended 3-0, putting England into the world cup quarter finals.
On Monday morning, Mum had to go to the hospital again because the drain was still leaking quite a lot. They adjusted the drain and replaced part of it that wasn’t working properly. When Harley finished college at lunchtime, the two of us went into town to get last-minute Christmas presents. I treated myself to a cinnamon pretzel from a stand in West Quay. We browsed the Christmas market on the high street and I decided to buy some of the homemade fudge from one of the stalls. I bought some for myself, Mum, Dad and Kieran; Harley said they didn’t like fudge. There were loads of different flavours and we went through them all several times picking each person all the ones we thought they’d enjoy. I ended up spending quite a lot of money on fudge but it was worth it just by Mum being so pleased with hers. She’s always said she’ll get herself some when the Christmas market has been there in previous years but never did. It was nice to buy her an extra treat and I enjoyed mine. That evening, Simon bought food from the chippy home to go with the leftover cold chicken from Sunday’s roast. I got a piece of battered cod to go with mine and it was delicious.
I spent most of Tuesday reading a book in the lounge while Mum dozed and watched Celebs Go Dating and other reality TV shows. At 6pm, we watched the Royal Marsden Celebrate A Life Christmas carol service live stream from the Sutton hospital. This is the hospital Mum’s gone to for all her aftercare since the first operation. Before the recent cancer recurrence diagnosis, Mum and Simon with maybe Harley were going to travel to Sutton to be there in person for the service. There’s a special Christmas tree where you can pay to name a star after someone special affected by cancer. Mum paid for a star for herself to be on the tree and also got stars to put on our own Christmas trees. She was quite disappointed that she couldn’t travel to be there but being able to watch the live stream was good. We had jacket potatoes for dinner. We spent the evening watching more world cup football, 24 Hours In A&E, All Right On The Night and Royal Family.
Wednesday meant it was time for me to head back up north and home to Kieran. In a way, it felt far too soon. But I knew it was time to go and I needed to get back at some point. Mainly, I had no more medication passed Wednesday night’s dose and my friend Tiny, his wife Nicky and lovely Guide Dog Millsey were due to visit me the following day. Although goodbyes are always the hardest, even more so with Mum being poorly and needing as much help and support as she can get, it felt a little less difficult this time because I’m flying back down on the 27th for a post Christmas stay. When Harley left for college that morning, I gave them a big hug and said I’d be back soon. Then, at around twenty past eleven, Uncle Dave arrived with Auntie Clare and Teddy to drive me to the train station to meet Josh. I gave Mum an even bigger hug; saying goodbye to her is always the worst, even though we message and usually phone each other every day. Josh was waiting for me at the station and after saying goodbye to everyone we headed straight through the barriers onto our platform. We boarded our train and chatted all the way to Waterloo. Josh effortlessly got us on and off the tube to King’s Cross and we got some lunch at Leon, Josh having a chicken burger with chips and a halloumi wrap with waffle fries for me. After we’d finished, Josh guided me to the assistance desk where a member of staff then helped me board my train to Morpeth. It was really nice having Josh join me for the first part of my journey. It was good to have someone to chat to and an extra bonus that we could get some lunch. I don’t really like eating while travelling and it isn’t in the special assistance staff’s duties to help passengers get food. Plus, Josh made going on the underground easy. I arrived back in Morpeth at 6:03, helped off the train by the man who’d been sitting beside me, where Rebecca was waiting to meet me. Having Josh join me for the first part of my journey made the day go much faster so it didn’t feel draining like the trip down had. Although flying is definitely the best way to travel between Southampton and Newcastle because of it’s convenience of only taking an hour, getting the train really isn’t that bad. It’s much cheaper. But going by train means you have to factor two days worth of travel into your visit and I’d much prefer spending that time with the people I’m going to see. But for last-minute trips like this one and times when I have extra days I can use for travelling, it’s well worth it.
I’m looking forward to a lovely Christmas with Kieran and family before flying back to Southampton for a week and am so glad I took the risk of travelling last-minute to be there with everyone after Mum’s operation. I know it’s not possible for me to be there for every big event nowadays but it feels good when I can. Hopefully, once Mum has had however much chemo they decide she needs, cancer will be out of her life and I’ll only have good things to visit for. It’s about time she has some good fortune. Cancer has done enough damage now and it’s time she got a break. It’s the worst thing seeing her go through the operations and pain she’s suffered due to cancer. Yes, we know we’re incredibly lucky that, touch wood, everything is going to turn out for the better after chemo has blasted her cells. But I wish she’d never had to go through it at all. It’s strange, I always watch Stand Up To Cancer and similar shows raising awareness and asking for donations but you never expect it to be someone you love those donations and charities will be helping. Naïve really given the statistics. I guess it’s just wishful thinking hoping it’ll never hurt those you care about. I remember watching the Stand Up To Cancer show in 2020 and feeling so grateful we were all well, that Grandad who’d had prostate cancer in 2015 was fully recovered and cancer free. It’s just crazy how things can change so much. My hope for 2023 is that it brings good things for Mum, that chemo isn’t too invasive and she doesn’t experience the horrible side effects you hear about – or if she does, she doesn’t get many and it’s over quickly. I hope by this time next year she’ll be cancer free with only her three-monthly check ups as a nasty reminder. And then I hope that’s it. No more cancer. Once is bad enough, twice is more than enough, she doesn’t need any more. So please, cancer, fuck off now.
Biggest thanks to Josh, Lesley, Auntie Clare and Uncle Dave who made it possible for me to travel down and surprise everyone. I wish it could have been for a better reason but it was great to be able to do it just for the reactions I received.
Today, 1st November, was my first mobility session of the month. We were hoping I may have heard back from HMRC, my potential employer, on the progress of my application. If I’d been really lucky maybe I’d have even received a formal job offer. But I’ve had nothing from them. So my mobility officer and I decided to continue practising my latest route, which takes me to the local gym via a little shopping area that includes a bakery, fish & chips shop, laundrette, Chinese takeaway and news agents. Last week, the route had felt really long and complicated. Today, it seemed much better. It took us 2 hours to walk it last time with me making quite a few mistakes; in comparison, it only took 45-ish minutes each way. It felt much simpler, too. It still needs a lot of practice and there’s quite a few awkward bits but I think I’ll get the hang of it. I just need to keep reading my route instructions and practising it as often as I’m able. After reading some of the user guide for the new HumanWare Stellar Trek device last week, when I was looking into all its features and whether it’d be a worthwhile upgrade from my current Victor Reader Trek, I was reminded of the record route function. With this, you record your movements for a route as you’re walking it. In theory, when you then activate that route again it should provide guidance and directions on how to walk that route again as you go. Of course, like any GPS device it isn’t 100% accurate and I’d never use it in place of learning a route fully aided by a sighted person. But it seems like a great backup and reminder just in case you veer off course. While we were out walking today, I attempted to record the route, which I named “home to gym via bakery”, but as we reached the gym and I went to end the recording, the Trek announced the battery was very low and immediately powered off. I was a little annoyed as I checked the battery level before leaving home and it was just above 50%; another vote for the Stellar Trek because it boasts a much longer battery life. I’ve just plugged the Trek into charge now I’m home so will check in a bit whether it did record the ending of the route or not. I’m hoping it did otherwise I have to do it from the start again. As the Trek wasn’t working on the return journey, I had to do the route without the GPS hints reminding me at certain points. This is quite daunting for me on a fairly new route. But I was really pleased with how it went. I only made a few mistakes, which my mobility officer quickly corrected. Also, due to the autumnal weather, there are a lot of leaves, puddles and manky mud about on the paths now. I had pretty dirty boots by the time I got home. They’re currently drying out with my cane in the porch. The change in texture of the ground makes it harder to follow a route, especially as leaves can make it slippery and mask curbs. I managed to do ok though. At the moment, we don’t have another session scheduled. Technically, I’ve reached the end of my third block of 12 sessions. As I’ve mentioned in previous updates, you’re only meant to have two blocks of 12 maximum. I did have these, plus a couple of extra sessions, before they put me back on the list. My mobility officer managed to wangle me a few more on the reason of I was already starting a third route that will be beneficial when they find me a Guide Dog match. Now, though, we can’t carry on just finding excuses. Luckily for me, if I do get word that I am going to start working at HMRC, my mobility officer has cleared it with her manager that I’m allowed a few more sessions in order to learn the route to and from work, which I could potentially be using 5 times a week. This will mean I can be independent from the start when I begin working. I really want that. It’ll be so nice knowing I can already get myself to the workplace. I think it’ll give me that little bit of extra confidence to boost me when starting my first job and remove one less thing I need to worry about. Also, the Newcastle team have some trainee mobility officers who need to work with clients in order to officially qualify. As I want to practice my routes as often/much as possible, my mobility officer is going to ask whether any of the trainees want to work with me; it’s mutually beneficial. She has a meeting tomorrow and is going to phone me with the outcome afterwards, when we’ll hopefully be able to schedule more sessions. It looks like November’s update could turn out to be quite eventful and exciting.
After my session at the beginning of the month, my next one wasn’t until today, 18th, because my mobility officer was still waiting to hear from higher up managers whether she’s allowed to continue supporting me. Her manager gave her clearance to come out today and do a route with me so I could try out my new device. Yes, I was easily tempted and gave in to buying a Stellar Trek, the new orientation GPS device from HumanWare. The other reason for doing a session today was to show me the route to the nearby hairdressers. Although Lesley had told me before that there was one on our estate, I didn’t realise just how close it actually is. It was pretty straightforward to get to. The Stellar Trek’s GPS definitely seems more accurate than the Victor Reader Trek’s was but sometimes it didn’t record landmarks very well. The microphone wasn’t very good so the recordings sound a bit distorted. I can still hear what I’m saying on each landmark, it just doesn’t sound as good. After we’d walked to and from the hairdressers a couple of times, we then extended the route into a block route, walking on passed the hairdressers and linking up with the other end of my beach route. It turns the route into a much longer option. Both routes are fine and it’s great to have variation, especially with a dog. My mobility officer is coming again on Monday to practice the hairdressers route and if we’re allowed more sessions after that I’ll do another practice of the bakery/gym route to see how well it’s stayed in my memory. I’ve been reading the route instructions for it each day, as well as the instructions for my other two routes every now and then, so I’m hoping that will help. My mobility officer has emailed me the instructions for the hairdressers route, with both return options, this afternoon so I’ll start reading them as well.
My final mobility session of November was this afternoon, 21st, when we repeated the new route to the hairdressers. I decided to practice it as the full block route rather than doing the 10-minute return route from the hairdressers to home, which is the outward route in reverse. Walking the route as a block route turns it into a 45-ish minute route, which is handy as it meets the minimum daily workload for a Guide Dog. My mobility officer said that although the block route for the hairdressers joins up to my beach route it doesn’t matter and still counts as a valid route because it has additional parts. Practising the route went really well. I crossed at all the right places, making sure I indented when needed, and turned at all the right points. It helps that the route is quite simple but it still felt good recalling so much of it correctly after only walking it once before and reading the route instruction notes a handful of times since. Our next session is scheduled for 9 December. It’s crazy to think that by our next session we’ll be over a week into the last month of the year and very close to Christmas. By then, my Mum will have had her operation to remove the cancer they found in her groin 5 weeks ago. We were incredibly relieved to be told that the cancer hasn’t spread anywhere else so this is the only site they have to deal with. But she does still require chemotherapy, more as a precaution than anything else. It’s not a nice thought that she’s going to have to go through it and probably experience many of the side effects that are so well known. But if in the long term it means cancer is gone for good then surely it’ll be worth it. I’m hoping so, anyway. After all, although her situation is terrible and I wish it wasn’t happening at all, it could have been a whole lot worse if the cancer had spread elsewhere. I can’t put into words how thankful I am that it hasn’t. Also, my lovely friend Tiny, his wife Nicky and giant Guide Dog Millsey are coming to visit at the beginning of December. Tiny has to attend a meeting with the Newcastle team as part of his role working for Guide Dogs and always said that if he was visiting up here he’d pop in and say hello. I’m looking forward to seeing them all very much. So there’s much to look forward to, which is keeping my nerves about Mum’s operation and treatment at bay. Plus, my route training has continued to progress really well this month. I’ve been able to carry on practising my third route, the bakery/gym route, as well as starting a fourth route, the hairdressers route. The hairdressers route even turned out to be better than we’d first predicted, not just a convenience route but an optional block route add-on as well. Next month, I’m planning to practice the hairdressers route and bakery/gym routes again, especially the bakery/gym one as that still feels a bit fuzzy around the edges. The hairdressers one feels like one of those routes that is just going to slot into my brain. It’s very straightforward so I just need to do it a couple more times to feel 100% about it. My mobility officer has also agreed we can go over the Lesley & John/Tesco block route mainly to reassure me it’s still correct in my mind. I now have four sets of route notes to read and am still reading daily, although I sort of rotate which routes I’m reading. Mostly, I’m focusing on the hairdressers and bakery/gym routes because I want to make sure I know them as well as I possibly can. But sometimes I have a quick read through the others just to refresh my memory. With my memory being the way it is these days that can only be a useful thing. The addition of my new Stellar Trek GPS device seems to have been a positive, too. The GPS accuracy is definitely better and having the longer battery life will definitely be useful in the future. If I do hear back from HMRC with a formal job offer, we will start learning the route to work straight away. So I have a lot going on mobility-wise and it all seems good. If I’m really lucky, maybe a match may even come along soon.
On the 6th of this month, it was time for another trip up north to visit Kieran and family, this time to celebrate his birthday. After he’d finished work that evening, Dad picked me and T up and took us, via McDonald’s, to the airport. As Mum was up in London attending another hospital appointment, I’d said I’d make it easier for everyone and get McDonald’s for them for tea. As I was feeling hungry, I decided to have some too. Dad had a cheese & bacon burger, chips and a toffee latte; T had a cheese burger, chips and coke 0; I had a cheese burger, chips, coke 0 and galaxy salted caramel mini McFlurry; between us we shared 20 nuggets. By the time I’d finished my ice cream, we were cutting it pretty fine for getting to the airport. However, I was checked in and through security in record speed so still early for departure. We’d arrived at the airport at 7:01 and I was sat at the gate by 7:17. Unfortunately, the plane was delayed. It landed late coming in from Newcastle and then took ages to be prepared for the return flight. Special assistance staff Neil and Alison helped me through the airport and onto the plane. Onboard, we had captain Rebecca and cabin crew June. I of course took advantage of the complimentary shortbread and June brought me a cup of water so I could take my tablets. The flight was very smooth and despite our late departure we seemed to make up a bit of time, landing at 9:30. In arrivals, Kieran and John collected me.
When we arrived back at theirs, Lesley came out onto the drive with Wilson, who initially wasn’t too thrilled to see me, giving me his customary booming bark to let me know. However, once I was inside, he didn’t bark again. He wasn’t too keen on interacting with me but didn’t seem bothered by my presence. I was even surprised to find that when I came back downstairs from putting my bags in Kieran’s room, he didn’t bark at all. John had made a Hairy Bikers recipe for dinner; I can’t remember what it’s actually called but it’s a chicken, onion and cheesy potato thing that tastes lovely. We watched a documentary called The Real Anne, which shows the story of the mother of one of the Hillsborough disaster victims. During the week, there had been a dramatised version of the documentary, showing the whole story from the morning of the disaster onto all the campaigning for justice over all the years that have followed. The documentary had the actual family members of Anne and her son in it, rather than the actors and actresses who’d portrayed them. Both the documentary and the series itself were brilliantly done, very emotional.
The following morning, we had a lay in until 9:30, when Kieran really needed to start work. While I was in the shower, Wilson nudged his way into the bathroom. I was pretty glad I was in the actual shower, which is around the corner from the doorway, because Lesley came to check where he was. Later, Kieran had his shower and Wilson again invaded the bathroom, this time stealing Kieran’s boxers and wandering off with them. Downstairs, I started reading sir Tom Moore’s autobiography, Tomorrow Will Be A Good Day. A little while after, Kieran’s grandparents arrived for their usual Friday morning visit. It was great to see them again. I had a sandwich with some quiche for lunch.
Not long after lunch, the Wi-Fi broke, which didn’t make Kieran very happy. He spent quite a while trying to fix it and got it partially working before we left to go sofa shopping for the flat. Kieran and Lesley had picked one they liked when they’d gone looking not long after Christmas. It’s very nice, a three seater sofa with an armchair and storage foot stool. We decided to get it. The sales assistant said it could take up to 9 weeks to arrive, but should hopefully arrive sooner. On our way home, we popped by the flat. It’s getting much closer to being ready now. Lesley has picked a lovely carpet, very bouncy. It feels better with the carpet down and doors on as it seems less empty and isn’t echoey any more.
When we arrived back, Lesley took Wilson, who hadn’t barked at me any more, out for a walk. Later, we had a BBC Good Food recipe of chicken wrapped in posh ham (can’t be bothered to look up the proper spelling) with potatoes, green beans and olives. I’ve never tried olives before and am not sure I’m much of a fan. Lesley said I should do the daily olive test. After so many days of having one olive per day you realise you actually quite like them. We spent the evening watching QI, Swindon vs Manchester City FA cup 3rd round match (4-1 to Manchester City), Would I Lie To You, Mrs Brown’s Boys, 8 out of 10 Cats Does Count Down and the Graham Norton show.
Saturday meant it was Kieran’s 25th birthday. It was so great to actually be with him to celebrate his birthday this year. The pandemic and lockdown restrictions meant I couldn’t visit him last year for it and it’s always nice to share it with him. Lesley made us sausage sandwiches for breakfast. Around 12:30, we left to drive to Cramlington station to catch the train into Newcastle Central station. When we arrived, John and Kieran headed in one direction so they could go to the Newcastle vs Cambridge FA cup match taking place that afternoon from 3pm, while Lesley and I walked to Eldan Square so she could return a Christmas present to John Lewis. We got the delayed 14:59 train back to Cramlington. Once we arrived home, Lesley watched the Bake Off Christmas special and I continued to read my book while Rebecca was absorbed in playing Animal Crossing on her Nintendo Switch.
Later, Rebecca went and picked John and Kieran up from Cramlington station. Neither of them were very happy because Newcastle lost 1-0. When everyone was ready, we headed out for Kieran’s birthday meal at Sambuca’s. We got garlic bread and squid for starters. Then, Kieran and John had steak, Lesley had breaded chicken in a tomato sauce with vegetables and I had my usual tuna and garlic pizza. As always, it was lovely. Although, for the first time ever I didn’t finish it all — I was just too full. I even said no to Lesley’s homemade chocolate cake with butter cream. We spent the rest of the evening watching the end of the first episode of Ant and Dec’s new game show Limitless Win, a Pointless celebrity special, the John Bishop show and Man vs Food. When we went up to bed, which was passed midnight, Kieran finally opened my birthday presents to him and then, because it technically was, his anniversary presents. I think it’s fair to say that we really have had the best 6 years. I really can’t believe it’s been 6 years now since we took the risk on our great friendship and turned it into a relationship. Now, 6 years on, we’ve been engaged for 3 and a half years and are about to move in to live together. I can’t wait to see what the next 6 years bring.
While Kieran had been opening his presents, we stumbled upon the first potential blog title: “your house is creaking again”. Every night as everyone goes to bed and the house is cooling down, the pipes and radiator in Kieran’s room creak in exactly the same rhythm every time. However, that blog title didn’t stick because a better one came along…
On Sunday morning, we had another lie in. During the day, Kieran worked on his laptop, continuing to fix things to do with the Wi-Fi. Lesley and Rebecca gave Wilson, who wasn’t very pleased with the situation, a bath. He kept trying to dodge out of their way as they tried to get him into the bathroom. Apparently, a jar of peanut butter made the task easier to complete. Afterwards, he sulked for the rest of the day, not even bothering to grumble when I gave him a fuss. We had sausage rolls for lunch. We listened to the Liverpool vs Shrewsbury FA cup 3rd round match, which Liverpool won 4-1. Lesley cooked a roast dinner with chicken and/or beef. Afterwards, we finally dug in to Kieran’s chocolate birthday cake which, as are all of Lesley’s cakes I’ve tried so far, was delicious. Once we’d finished, Rebecca, her boyfriend David, Lesley, Kieran and I played a logo quiz game and it took me ages to grasp the rules, even though they’re pretty straightforward. Lesley and I were a team, Rebecca and Kieran were a team and David was his own team. Rebecca and Kieran won.
Upstairs, I was checking my emails and found that Kieran had gifted me 3 months worth of audible subscription as an anniversary present. I’d jokingly mentioned, when he’d said he had credits to spend, that I wished someone would give me credits because there’s books I want to read; so he thought it’d be a good present. I have quite a few titles on my audible wish list so it’s going to be difficult to just pick 3.
While I watched The Chase, Kieran had a bath. When he was done, we watched some more The Chase, an old episode of Gogglebox and some Family Guy.
On Monday morning, I received some sad news from home after just getting up. My Great Nanny Olive, who was 95, had passed away in the care home at 8:20 that morning. Mum rang to let me know and a little while later, when I spoke to Nan Marg, she told me that they’d had a call from the home on Saturday evening to say Nanny Olive was struggling to breathe. She hadn’t been expected to make it to the morning but, true to her usual stubborn self, she pulled through until Monday. They said she was peaceful when she passed, which brings some comfort. I have many fond memories of her over the years. When I was little, Nan Marg used to walk us kids round to Nanny Olive’s bungalow for the afternoon, as they only lived around the road from each other. Nanny Olive always kept colouring pens and pads in the big cupboard in her porch for us. There was always tea and biscuits and I remember being fascinated by the tiles on her fireplace and the big thick green rug in front of it. She used to pick me up from school sometimes and I remember visiting for the day during holidays, having casserole and banana & custard in patterned bowls. In her lounge, she had old saggy armchairs and a sofa. On the sofa sat knitted dollies. I have so many great memories of her and I feel thankful that they’ve not been tarnished by seeing her so poorly at the end. When my Great Auntie Gwen died in 2011, I went to see her in hospital the day before she died, as she’d fallen at home and broken her hip, and she didn’t remember who I was, asked Dad if I was a new member of the family. Although I understood it was her dementia talking, it upset me and has stuck with me ever since. I didn’t want a memory like that of Nanny Olive. Last time I visited her at the home, she seemed cheery and we had a good time. I’m glad that’s my last memory of her.
I spent the day trying to read Tom Moore’s autobiography but just couldn’t get into it. Lesley made sandwiches for lunch and I had a slice of Kieran’s birthday cake with mine. As I couldn’t absorb myself in the Tom Moore book, I decided to try something else so used Kieran’s first audible credit to buy Evie Meg’s autobiography My Non Identical Twin: What I’d Like You To Know About Living With Tourette’s. T follows Evie on instagram where she posts videos to raise awareness of the condition and had read the book themself, recommending that it’s amazing. As soon as I started reading, I was already enjoying it. I chatted to T on their way home from college. Then, Wilson was brought home from day school. He flopped down and couldn’t be bothered to do anything.
We had another BBC Good Food recipe for dinner, dirty rice which was lovely. It reminded me a bit of a risotto. We watched I Literally Just Told You, Manchester United vs Aston Villa FA cup 3rd round match (1-0), Beat The Chasers and old episodes of Not Going Out.
That night, it felt weird going to bed knowing when I woke up the following morning it’d be the first day of my life that Nanny Olive wouldn’t be in the world with me. I just kept thinking that I’m so glad I have her name for my middle name and have so many great memories of her to hold on to.
Somehow, we accidentally overslept on Tuesday morning, until T phoned me on their way to college at 9am. During the day, I finished Evie Meg’s autobiography. I had a sandwich with the last slice of birthday cake for my lunch. Afterwards, I continued reading sir Tom Moore’s book. Once Kieran had finished work, I went upstairs and we listened to Kisstory and had a nap. It was another BBC Good Food recipe for dinner, campfire stew this time. Again, it was nice. We watched I Literally Just Told You, QI, Beat The Chasers, the news and Plebs. Upstairs, when we were chatting about all the mugs I’ll be bringing when I move in, Kieran said a line that has become this post’s title. He was talking about the biscuit mug he bought me a couple of years ago, which has an extra slot on the front to put a biscuit in while you’re drinking. When talking about how you’d make a cup of tea in it he said: “and if you’re not careful you’ll get water in your biscuit hole”. I was laughing for ages and immediately got up to write it down in my blog notes.
While Kieran worked, I spent Wednesday daytime job searching. I applied for several paid and voluntary roles. My inbox looked quite good for the amount of application received emails in it. But whether any of them will come to anything I don’t know yet. I’ve applied for hundreds of jobs over the last 6 and a half years since leaving college and only had a handful of interviews so far. Hopefully my luck will change soon. After he’d finished work, Kieran checked my laptop over because it had been randomly crashing lately and I was a bit worried about it. We had gammon, new potatoes and peas for dinner, which I really enjoyed, commenting that I don’t have new potatoes often enough. We watched I Literally Just Told You, Tottenham vs Chelsea (0-1), Live At The Apollo, the news and Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Sadly, Thursday meant my week up north had come to an end. During the day, I finished sir Tom Moore’s autobiography, which I enjoyed a lot. For lunch, Lesley took advantage of my need for new potatoes and made me fish cakes with new potatoes. It was lovely. Kieran had a fish cake sandwich and says it was great. I’ll have to try it sometime. At 4:20, Kieran, Lesley and I left for the airport. Once Lesley had called through for assistance, they came very quickly and whisked me away. This time, my flight home was on time. Cabin crew Andrew was excellent and both Newcastle and Southampton assistance staff coped very well considering there were several of us special assistance passengers on the same flight. In arrivals, T and Dad were waiting for me, a little more emotionally than usual due to Nanny Olive’s passing.
Yet again, I had an excellent time in Blyth with Kieran and family. Before, I’d thought that this time would be the last time I travelled up there before I move. However, as Kieran has booked tickets for us, along with Josh, to see Al Murray live in February, I’ll be going up there one more time, this time by train. Josh booked the tickets on Monday so we’re all set to go. Next Friday, a van is coming to collect all my stuff and drive it to the new flat. Kieran is hoping to move in very soon and we’ll all be staying at the flat in February when we visit. After that, I just have to move permanently. At the moment, it’s all dependent on Mum’s recovery. She had her major surgery yesterday and has a 2 week recovery in hospital plus a further several months home recovery ahead. As soon as she’s well enough to travel and recovered a lot, I’ll be off.
Thank you, Lesley and John, for having me to stay and widening my tastebuds even further. I had a great time as always.
Kieran, I loved spending time with you, as I always do, but especially being able to share your birthday and our anniversary together. I can’t wait for the future we have ahead.
PS: you’re all warned about the sheer amount of stuff coming up in the van next week. Believe me when I say I have had a sort through before packing… see you in February!
So we’re at the end of another year again. As always, I’m going to write my ramblings about it. This year, though, I feel like there’s going to be lots of things I miss out, either because nothing really happened or because I just can’t remember things that did happen. Since my epilepsy diagnosis in June 2020, my short-term memory seems to have worsened. In the beginning, when I was still having daily focal and Tonic-Clonic seizures, it was a lot worse than it is now, I think. I haven’t had it confirmed by doctors but I think it’s either due to the amount of seizures I had over a short period of time or a side effect of the lifelong medication I take to control the seizures. Something that did pass this year was 6 months then 1 year since I had my last seizure. To date, I’m at 15 and a half months seizure free. That’s definitely something I’d like to continue into 2022.
In the early stages of the year, we were in full lockdown again. Many takeaways and lots of junk daytime telly got this household through that I think. However, as restrictions lifted we were slowly able to adjust back to our normal lives. T went back to school for their final few weeks of year 11, although all their GCSE results were graded on coursework and teachers opinion. Mum went back to work and found some regular routine to her day. I was able to go back to meeting Nan and Grandad on Tuesdays for lunch, going to their house on Wednesdays for dinner, meeting Jenny for our My Guide walks and seeing Dad for days out on Saturdays. Later in the year, T and I joined our local gym in a bid to get me out of the house more often and both of us a bit more active. Auntie Clare joined us, too, and more recently T has been playing badminton with Uncle Dave, something they seem to really enjoy. Sadly, the gym sessions didn’t become a regular thing like I’d planned. T is just too busy with college work and Auntie Clare’s arthritis causes her too much pain to do the cardio stuff I like doing. But it was fun while it lasted. I hope T and Uncle Dave will continue to have their badminton sessions, though, because they seem to be a real success.
As I’ve mentioned, a big thing to happen in our family this year is T finishing secondary school and starting college. How my teeny tiny little sister is studying towards their A Levels I don’t know. In my mind they’re still about 9 years old. But nope, they celebrated their 16th birthday in the summer and is, I guess, all grown up. Next year, they’ll be old enough to start driving lessons so will be able to drive a car as well as the rest of us up the wall. They’re doing great at college and especially loving the freedom of half days and afternoon classes — taking full advantage of being a teenager.
It’s a nice thought that T might soon be embarking on driving lessons and getting a car of their own in the next couple of years because soon they’re going to have to be further than the neighbouring bedroom to wind me up. The biggest thing that happened in 2021 and will lead to the biggest change for me in 2022 was me asking Kieran if we could start discussing me moving up to Blyth and us getting a place together. Obviously, living together has been a long-term aim of ours from the start, like it is with most couples, but with us it was always the question of where and when. Most couples live pretty local to each other, or at least not nearly 300 miles away at opposite ends of the country. Since coming home from college in Hereford in 2015, I’ve always been pretty set on the fact that I wouldn’t move away from Southampton again. But Kieran has more reason to be in Blyth than I do in Southampton, mainly that he’s settled in full-time employment at his county council. Earlier in the year, he was given a full-time role in the job he loves. Sadly, no employment prospects have emerged for me over the last 12 months. I’ve continued to apply online for jobs, mostly remote ones given the current pandemic situation, and have had a few interviews. But I’ve never gotten any further than that. So deciding to move up north is the right thing to do. Kieran and his family are just finishing renovating a flat left in the family from his great-grandma which we’re planning to move into early in the new year. Originally, we’d hoped for January but I’m not able to move until later as Mum has quite a complex operation in mid January and I need to be here for at least the beginning of her recovery. Plus, everyone wants to travel up with me on moving day and I know Mum would be pretty gutted if she couldn’t come and help me move in. It’s going to be a big thing moving from one end of the country to the other permanently and I want her to do it with me. As the flat is pretty much finished, Kieran might move in before I get there. So, this time next year I’ll probably be writing this from Blyth instead of Southampton, unless I’m visiting of course.
Something that I had to sacrifice in preparation for moving up north was my gorgeous Guinea pig Teddy. He settled in well by the beginning of this year and in July I got him a friend, the beautiful Bear. Bear was a chocolate coloured fuzzy curly haired piggy bought from the lovely lady who trimmed Teddy’s nails for me. She breeds piggies and was so great about helping me find Teddy a friend. But, after I saw the flat in September, I realised having the boys there just wouldn’t work in a way that was fair to them. Fitting their large cage in the living room with the other furniture we’ll need would have been tough as it was but they also need floor time out of their cage every day and there was no way their indoor playpen would have squeezed in too. I did investigate transferring them to an outdoor hutch as the garden is more than big enough but I was worried about them escaping or being too cold outdoors. As I wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on them as much as most people, I was worried I wouldn’t notice if they’d managed to get out of the run or if they’d hurt themselves. Being indoor piggies, I also didn’t know how well they’d adapt to going outdoors. I’m reliably informed a lot of people keep theirs outdoors but I have no experience of it myself. The least important reason, but one I still had to consider, was that I couldn’t afford to buy a brand new set up of hutch, run and all the thermally insulated covers and things you need to keep piggies outdoors. When I decided to get more piggies, moving hadn’t even been in my mind and when I added Bear, I’d just presumed there would be enough room for their cage when I did move. As lovely as she was about helping me pair Teddy with a friend, the lovely lady I was in touch with was equally great about helping me find the boys a new home. Apparently, they now live with a lady and her teenage daughter who both absolutely adore them. She was able to pass on some of their bits and pieces I’d bought for them here too. Something I did discover from having them was that I was able to look after them much better than I did our girls. I’m not sure why but looking after the boys was much easier. Maybe because I’d done even more research than I did the first time. Maybe because I stuck to a proper routine with everything I did with them. I’m not sure. But it’s nice to feel like I didn’t 100% fail them like I did the girls, even if this time ended up pretty much the same way.
Sticking with the theme of animals, this year has again not been my lucky year for getting that elusive Guide Dog match. As I mentioned in my previous new year’s rambling, this time last year I’d been suspended on the waiting list due to my Epilepsy diagnosis and the fact that lockdown had meant I wasn’t really using my routes. Over the last year, I’ve worked hard to get back on the waiting list. I started by practising my routes with Mum, Dad and T helping. Then, when we were allowed, Jenny and I did them too. In May, I was finally able to redo the mobility assessments — showing a mobility officer 2 routes using my cane — which I passed. In September, I did my Guide Dog assessment with a lovely trainee Guide Dog called Kim. She was a dream to walk with and helped me pass the assessment and get back onto the waiting list no problem. Sadly, Kim couldn’t be mine as she was already matched and ready to go on class with someone. I’ve since been told they’ve qualified and are now a working partnership. Since September, things have changed again. I informed Guide Dogs in October that I’m moving away in the new year and, following protocol, they’ve again suspended me on the waiting list. As my move is imminent, it wouldn’t be fair for the Southampton team to be looking for a match down here. I’m told that once I’ve moved, I’ll be in touch with the Newcastle team and they’ll help me get mobile again. I’ll have a 12 week program of learning enough routes to meet the workload for a guide dog and then, as long as everyone is happy, I’ll be made active on the waiting list again. So if I’m really really lucky, maybe this time next year I’ll be sat with a furry hound curled up at my feet. Who knows? I’m hoping the move will bring me more luck with Guide Dogs and hopefully a job too.
One of my reasons for considering moving — except for Kieran and I to live together obviously — was studying for a masters degree. Sitting around doing nothing not being allowed to go anywhere gives a person a lot of free time to think about where they are and where they want to be. Being unable to find work has bothered me for a long time but it felt worse during lockdown and even more so when restrictions lifted and everyone went back to their daily jobs but I continued to stay at home, basically doing the same thing I had been while locked down. I started to think about aiming for a particular career. When I’d decided to study health and social care for my degree it’d been with the aim of working in a role that helped people struggling through hardship. I’d always liked the idea of becoming a social worker so decided to research further into it. It turns out that Northumbria university run a social work masters degree, which I’d be eligible for because I have my undergraduate degree in a relevant area. As well as the standard masters degree, there’s also a social work program called Think Ahead that runs nationwide; this gives you the chance to train as a social worker whilst studying towards your degree. You get paid while you’re training and the tuition costs are covered. It just so happens that the program ran in Blyth last year… they don’t announce which areas of the country will be supporting the program until after applications have closed each year but I thought it was worth a shot. I’m not so keen on just studying full-time. I studied for 4 years and have spent the last 2 trying to find work. I don’t want to spend much more time unemployed if I can. I submitted an application for the Think Ahead program but am having a few accessibility issues with the next steps of the process. I’ll keep trying and hope I get through. In the meantime, I’ll continue to look for remote working jobs and start searching fully as soon as I’m settled up north. However, I have been lucky to continue volunteering for CommuniCare In Southampton, a local charity who support vulnerable and isolated elderly members of the community. Although I had to quit my voluntary office role in 2019 due to Dad changing jobs and no longer being able to take me, I’ve been able to continue volunteering for them in a befriending role. I phone one lady and email two others regularly so that they have some social interaction. The ladies I talk to are lovely and I’m really glad of the chance to volunteer for such a good organisation. I’ve just applied to be a wellbeing volunteer for the charity Deafblind UK and should be starting that role in the new year after some training. I’m looking forward to being involved in something else and hopefully gaining more valuable work experience.
Unlike last year, Kieran and I have been lucky to see each other a few times: a week in July, a few days in September and then a month from October til November. I’m very much looking forward to flying up to Newcastle next week to visit for his birthday. During our time together, we managed to enjoy yet more comedy: Sarah Millican, Chris & Rosie Ramsey’s live podcast tour, Ed Byrne, Chris Ramsey solo and John Bishop. Good pal Josh joined us for 4 out of 5 of those too. After going from seeing him most weeks to only having FaceTime to keep up to date with each other’s lives, it was really nice to spend time with Josh again. Excitingly, we already have events scheduled for 2022 that will allow Kieran, Josh, Imi, T and I to spend time together. For Christmas, Kieran surprised me with tickets to see Al Murray in Newcastle in February; Josh was in on the secret and will be in charge of all travel arrangements as always. Then, in June, all 5 of us are going to see Ed Sheeran at the Stadium of Light. We’re all very excited about it. I feel very lucky that we’re going to see him for the second time and think it’s a great outing for T’s first ever concert.
It already seems that 2022 has a lot lined up for me, mostly very positive stuff too. Of course, we have to get through Mum’s big operation and immediate recovery first. Afterwards, though, there’s a lot to look forward to. I’m pretty interested to see what the year holds for me and everyone I love. Hopefully, with vaccinations being taken more and more, this time next year we’ll be way more in control of covid. I’d love to say we’ll have sent it packing with its tail between its legs but I think I said something similar last year and I was clearly being far too ambitious. Hopefully, we’ll be a lot nearer that happening. I hope T continues to do well at college, Mum & Dad find better jobs that make them happier and Coco the cat carries on being her sassy self, not taking any shit from anyone. Sitting here after devouring a Hawaiian pizza bought as a treat to celebrate new year’s eve, I feel thankful for all I’ve had this year. 3 doses of covid vaccination completely free on the NHS that I’m sure, after Mum testing positive with covid on Christmas Day, have kept T and I protected from the virus despite living with Mum. Continuing to be seizure free with all the positives that means for me. Being able to spend more valuable time with friends and family, especially after everything we’re going through with the pandemic. For Kieran agreeing to us taking the next step in our relationship and giving this living together thing a go — I’ll update next year. For generally good health for those I love: Mum not so much and I’m praying our amazing NHS fix her next year; or lovely Mr Godwin, Imi’s dad, who sadly won’t be so fortunate and who I’ll forever have fond memories of, especially the desk lamp incident the first time I met him; or my lovely Great Nanny Olive, who now lives in a nursing home and has recently come out of hospital after having a fractured hip and isn’t doing so well. I hope 2022 can heal those I love and those the people I love love too. But whatever happens, I know I’ll be lucky to have all the great people in my life I do and new opportunities that are ahead of me. Let’s see what next year brings, eh?
A5Ramblings 