On the 20th of last month, I headed to Southampton for another visit. This time, Kieran stayed behind at home in Blyth so that he didn’t have to take any time off work to come with me. I wasn’t going for any particular reason, except that I’d booked Mum tickets to the Greatest Days Take That Musical at the Mayflower Theatre and had said if I was able I’d go down to go with her and Harley. We’d seen the musical several years ago when it was called The Band and although I couldn’t remember much of it at this point, I did remember us really enjoying it. I’d also booked this trip while I’d been on special leave from work, during the time they were trying to find me a suitable accessible role, so hadn’t thought about the amount of time I was going for. I’d booked 12 days, which is a bit longer than my usual week or so. But at the time I hadn’t cared because I didn’t know if I’d even be returning to work. If they hadn’t been able to find me an accessible role then I’d have been dismissed. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case and I’ve just started my third full month of employment with HMRC supported by a lovely manager. However, this did mean that when I returned I’d booked rather a lot of leave with all the trips I’d taken to Southampton since February. At one point during my extended period of special leave, I was told that none of the time off I took during the leave would count towards my balance of annual leave if/when I returned to work. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the opinion HR took when my annual leave was calculated on my return. Kindly, a manager argued on my behalf and was able to get one of my week’s worth of days down in Southampton returned to me. Somehow, I’ve still managed to book all the days I need during this next year of leave off so I’m very relieved. Even if that hadn’t been the case, I wouldn’t have regretted taking this time off to go down, especially after the news we’d received the previous day. A few weeks earlier, Mum had to go back to the hospital for a scan after something in her blood levels checked from her latest checkup blood test were a bit high. They’d decided to give her a scan as a precaution to ensure everything was ok. Sadly, that isn’t the case. While at work on Tuesday the 19th, the day before I flew down to visit everyone, I was gutted to receive a text message from Mum just after the time of her appointment asking if I was free to talk. As soon as I saw the message I knew it wasn’t good news. I’d already explained the situation to my manager who, very kindly, had said to take any call from Mum as soon as I needed to. So I took myself out of the team meeting we were all in on Microsoft Teams and rang Mum. She told me the cancer is back. It’s by her right hip and in the lymphnodes there. Shaking, I called across the desk to a colleague and asked if I could be taken to one of the quiet rooms I knew we had if we needed them. I knew my manager would realise it was bad news as I’d taken myself out of the team meeting. My colleague walked me to the quiet room and went to inform my manager while I phoned Mum back. There wasn’t much else she could tell me really, except that the mass was small and they couldn’t decide on a treatment plan until they’d seen the results of a PET scan, which they were trying to book as soon as possible. I was gutted and this time Mum sounded upset too. The last two times we’ve had this news she’s seemed quite calm, except when she’s seen us cry. This time, though, I think I’d convinced myself the cancer wouldn’t come back again, not after she’d been through chemotherapy. It’s silly, really, because I know chemo isn’t a guaranteed cure. But I guess I just didn’t want her to have to go through it all again. Once was bad enough. Twice, well, that just wasn’t fair. But three times, we’d thought surely that wouldn’t happen. But then when the blood tests came back abnormal, even by a fraction, and she told me she’d started to get an ache in her hip, I’d started to really worry. It seemed unlikely to be a coincidence. But I’d tried to stay positive, convince myself coincidence was all it was. Apparently not. It was exactly what I’d worried it would be. All I could hold onto at that point was that she was strong, had got through this before and I was going to visit the following day so could be with her and Harley. I spent that afternoon at home instead of working, as everyone told me I should. Kieran gave me lots of hugs and was waiting on the doorstep with the kettle ready when I arrived, even though I hadn’t actually told him I was on my way.
Around 4:30 the following day, Lesley arrived and took me to the airport for my flight. Before we left, she insisted on sending me £20 so I could buy flowers for Mum from her. It was weird saying goodbye to Kieran at the airport. It felt like he should be coming with me and I hadn’t flown on my own since the beginning of this year. But I just wanted to be in Southampton, to give Mum a huge hug. It was heavily raining when we landed and all the passengers waited on the plane for a few minutes until it had eased a bit. Dad and Sam were waiting for me in arrivals and it was great to see them. On our way to Dad’s car, the rain returned and we all got absolutely soaked. Despite my waterproof coat, my sweatshirt was still soggy. We went for food at McDonalds: Sam had a burger meal, I had a nuggets meal plus a portion of mozzarella dippers and Dad had his usual toffee latte. Afterwards, we stopped at Tesco on our way to Mum’s so I could buy the flowers Lesley had asked for. I spent £15 on two big bunches. By the time I reached Mum’s front door, I was even more soaking wet. I gave her the flowers and explained that they were from Lesley. She was very grateful and there were a few tears. The rest of the evening was spent talking, mostly about Mum’s news and what we thought might happen next. Obviously, it was all speculation; we wouldn’t know for sure until after the PET scan. But somehow it seemed to help to talk about it.
While Harley did their volunteering befriending telephone calls and Simon slept after his night shift, on Thursday morning Mum and I caught the bus into town to start my very early Christmas shopping. As Mum enjoys shopping and it gives us a reason to get out of the house, we thought we might as well get started. Plus, it’s a lot easier doing my shopping there as quite a lot of the recipients live down south anyway so doing it up north then posting it down would be impractical. We went to quite a few shops before stopping at a bakery and getting ourselves some lunch, which Mum spent the remaining £5 of Lesley’s flower money on a posh baguette and cake. That evening, Mum made cornbeef hash for dinner, one of our regulars when I was living at home; it was as nice as it always had been.
On Friday, while Simon’s car was in the garage having a new chip fitted, we wandered around Matalan and Home Bargains, picking up some nice bits and pieces. Then, we sat outside Costa for a while. When the car was eventually ready, we went to B&M bargains and did some more shopping before going to the nearby Ship Inn pub for dinner. Harley and I had a portion of loaded potato skins each and shared what was meant to be my macaroni cheese, which was huge and I wasn’t enjoying that much. Luckily, the potato skins were also huge and very nice. Mum and Simon shared creamy mushrooms, calamari and loaded potato skins for starters. Simon also had macaroni cheese but Mum just had the starters as they were enough for her. We just got everything to come out together as it made it easier for everyone. Overall, it was a nice meal; I’d just pick something different for a main meal if we go again.
The following morning around 11, Dad and Sam picked us up for a day of shopping in town. Beforehand, we popped into see Nan and Grandad. Sadly, Grandad still isn’t doing very well. He doesn’t talk much these days but still looks and smiles at you. He’s definitely still listening because Harley says he responds visually. Apparently, when I spoke to him and held his hand I got a huge smile and he squeezed my hand back. We had a good afternoon shopping in town. We went to Poppins for lunch: Dad had his usual brunch with beans; Sam had a cheese and bacon burger and chips; Harley went for chicken strips and chips; I had a tuna and cheese panini and chips. Although we used to complain about how often we went for food at Poppins with Dad, their menu does have a huge variety and the food was absolutely lovely that day.
That evening, while Mum and Simon were out, Harley baked cookies with a cookie dough mix we’d bought the previous day at B&M. It made very tasty cookies that were a lot like the ones you get from Dominoes. We watched the rest of Hebburn that we’d started during my last visit. My day had been made even better around 5pm when the tune of the Disney boat could be clearly heard from my room at Mum’s. It’s only coincidence but it always seems to be in dock when I visit. I love hearing it and shouting to Mum and Harley when it plays its tune, just like we always used to when I lived there.
The next day, Mum cooked a roast dinner for the four of us plus Simon’s mum and her partner. There was gammon and chicken with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, stuffing, cauliflower cheese, broccoli, carrot & swede mash and obviously lots of gravy. We had strawberry cheesecake for pudding. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the meal. During and after we ate, I was listening to the Liverpool vs West Ham match, which Liverpool won 3-1, and afterwards Sheffield United vs Newcastle. Amazingly, Newcastle won the match 8-0, setting some new Premier League records. Kieran was texting me the lyrics to some of the Newcastle players’ songs and I could imagine him singing them at the top of his voice in the flat. Later, we watched Paul Ogrady For The Love Of Dogs, Gogglebox, Pitch Perfect 2 and Match Of The Day.
Harley and I spent Monday with Dad and Nan doing Nan’s weekly shop. We went to Portswood and ended up in the Poppins there for lunch. As she doesn’t get to go out for dinner nowadays due to needing to be with Grandad, we insisted Nan treat herself to a proper meal; she chose ham, egg and chips which has always been a favourite of hers. Of course, Dad had his brunch with beans. I went for another panini, this time bacon, mushroom and cheese, which was also very nice. Harley had a jacket potato with cheese and beans and was very pleased to find they’d put enough butter on, usually an annoyance of theirs with Poppins. Afterwards, we stayed a little while at Nan’s to see Grandad and chat with Auntie Clare who’d been sitting with him. Later, Mum cooked some homemade chips to go with the leftover meat from the roast dinner. She and Harley added coleslaw and I had some beetroot with mine; it made a very nice meal. While we ate, we watched Pointless, Catch Phrase and Strictly.
By the time Harley and I got up on Tuesday morning, Mum had already caught the bus to the hospital for her PET scan, which had been arranged quickly as promised. We were able to see her briefly when she got home, just before Auntie Clare picked us up at 12:15 and took us to Nan and Grandad’s. We spent the afternoon with them and our cousin Lou and her 2-month-old baby daughter Fleur, who is absolutely gorgeous. Lou and her husband have been waiting a long time for a baby and Fleur is the miracle result of IVF. Lou is completely smitten with little Fleur and a great mummy already. I never miss an opportunity for a baby cuddle and it was great to catch up with Lou. Obviously, it was a great chance to spend more time with Nan, Grandad and Auntie Clare too. Grandad was asleep most of the day but Lou took a lovely picture of him smiling with Fleur laid next to him on his bed. Also, Nan made a little spread of food for lunch including sandwiches, warm sausage rolls, crisps, pasta and some little cakes. Harley had brought some of their homemade cornflake cakes which everyone enjoyed. All in all, it was a rather lovely afternoon. That evening, we watched some women’s football and Mum ordered Dominoes for herself and I. She had some chicken wings and I had a bacon and chicken wrap with some potato wedges.
Wednesday was a working from home day for me. I’d agreed with my manager that I’d work a couple of days during my visit so that I didn’t use up so many of the few annual leave days I have left. I worked my usual home working hours of 9 til 5. At lunchtime, Harley ordered Subway for themselves and me while Simon took Mum to the doctors for an emergency appointment about her chest. She’d been feeling a bit rough with a blocked nose and sore throat but it seemed to be getting worse and at times she was struggling to catch her breath. She returned with antibiotics for a chest infection and instructions to go to the acute ward, where she went if she was worried about chemo side effects, if it got any worse. After I’d finished work, Mum cooked lasagne, some sliced potatoes with bacon and a cheesy garlic bread for dinner; again, another of our regulars when I was living there. As always, it was lovely. I listened to Liverpool vs Leicester, which Liverpool won 3-1.
I spent Thursday morning with Jenny, who picked me up and took me to her house to meet her new Bedlington terrier Digbie. Digbie is very fluffy and cute. We spent the time chatting and I enjoyed the salted caramel milkshake she’d bought me. I also met her husband Simon for the first time, which was nice because she’s talked about him lots over the years. Later on, Mum’s Simon drove Mum, Harley and I into town so that we could go for a meal before the musical at the Mayflower. He’d decided not to join us as he had work that night. We went to the Italian restaurant L’Osteria. Which we’d never tried before. Mum had a mushroom risotto, Harley spaghetti Bolognese and me a pizza with salami, ham, mushrooms and pineapple. We shared some garlic dough balls for a starter. The food was really nice, although the portions were far too big. Even so, Mum enjoyed hers so much she ate it all, which is rare for her these days as the original operation she had means she can’t eat as much because it’s too much for her stomach. Afterwards, we popped into a couple of shops before catching the bus that took us a couple of stops to the train station, from which we only had a short walk to the Mayflower. We bought some merchandise, a program and two fridge magnets, then headed to our seats. The musical was brilliant. The storyline was lovely and reminded me, not that I need it right now, that you never know what’s around the corner. I’m so glad I got Mum the tickets because we all thoroughly enjoyed the show.
Friday was my second working from home day. In the morning, I took a break to try and get tickets to Take That’s concert at ST Mary’s stadium in Southampton next year. Originally, I’d planned to get them for just Mum and Harley to go together. But Mum then said Simon would quite like to go as well. Then, after the show the night before and seeing how much Mum enjoyed it, I knew I wanted to be at the concert to see her enjoy that too. Until now, Mum and I have gone to Take That together. The first time was at the O2 in London in June 2017. Then, in May 2019 they played St Mary’s. To begin with, Mum acted as if she wasn’t bothered about going. Again, after seeing her reaction to the musical the night before I knew that wasn’t true. Annoyingly, my app had logged me out, despite me making sure it was ready. I messaged Sam, who I knew was also trying to get tickets, to see if she was having similar problems with her app or the website. But she said it was fine. Eventually, she joined the queue for me, in the hope that one of us would be successful. But by the time we got there, all of the tickets for the St Mary’s show were sold out. There was some expensive standing tickets still available but I knew standing wouldn’t be any good to Mum or Harley. Desperately, I asked Sam to try queues for the shows at the O2 in London, thinking somehow we’d be able to make it work. While we were waiting, Mum shouted up that they’d announced a second date at St Mary’s. I told Sam straight away and she got in the queue. By now, Mum realised I was trying to get tickets and had joined the St Mary’s queue. But she didn’t press the right button for cheapest tickets so when quite pricy ones came up we assumed the cheaper ones had sold out. But then Sam phoned, saying she had four of the lowest priced tickets but actually in good seats if I wanted her to go ahead. At this point, Mum also said she had them. As Sam was already further forward, I asked her to buy them for me and I’d transfer her the money. So she did. We have four tickets to the second date of the Take That concert at St Mary’s next June. Mum was very pleased. I’d decided that I’d buy a fourth ticket provisionally for myself and if I couldn’t get time off work for it someone else could have it. After all the drama of securing the tickets, I actually managed to get quite a bit of work done for the rest of the day. Later on, Mum and Simon went to the kebab van we’ve always loved and Simon bought everyone dinner. Sadly, the food wasn’t as nice as it usually is; the chips were a bit soggy when they’re usually crispy. We spent the evening watching Brassic.
The following afternoon, Dad picked us up at 1:30 and we went to Bitterne where I did a bit more Christmas shopping before Dad and I had our hair cut. Afterwards, we went to Nan’s and everyone decided what they wanted from the chip shop so Harley could phone through the order. While Nan and Harley sorted the plates out, Dad and I went to collect the food. All together we had: an OAP’s fish and chips for Nan; two battered sausages (even though we only asked for one); two fish cakes; a portion of chicken nuggets; a pot of curry sauce; and a medium chips. Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the food, even Grandad managed a few chips, a bit of fish, a piece of fish cake and a little bit of sausage. Nan said that was the most he’d eaten in quite a while, which made me very happy. While we ate, we watched the Tottenham vs Liverpool match which ended 2-1. It was a really lovely afternoon with Dad, Harley, Nan and Grandad, thanks to Kieran having the idea before I left. I’m so glad we did it and had that time to spend together. Harley even managed to get Grandad to say a couple of words, although his voice is very raspy now and it clearly takes a lot of effort. But it was good to just be there and make some good memories, especially after Grandad being poorly last time I was down. I squeezed his hand extra tight and gave Nan a big hug when it was time to say goodbye.
To begin with, on Sunday morning we were all going to go out somewhere for dinner. But by this point none of us were feeling that well. Although you can’t catch chest infections, it seemed like we’d all caught Mum’s cough and cold. However, Mum hadn’t done anything the previous day so was a bit fed up of being in the house and I always take any opportunity to go out I get so the two of us decided to go into town for lunch. Neither Harley nor Simon really wanted to come and said they weren’t hungry. During the bus ride, Mum had the idea of doing jacket potatoes for them that night so text with the suggestion. They both seemed keen. We decided to go to Pizza Hut. It was really nice having lunch with just Mum. Being with either Mum or Dad these days is rare but actually going out for a meal with them on their own is pretty much impossible. We had a really nice time and Mum really enjoyed her chicken delight flatbread and salad bowl. I had a meal deal which included a pizza and a side. I chose a create your own pizza with ham, mushrooms, sweet corn, pineapple and a stuffed crust with a portion of fries. I don’t get fries from Pizza Hut often and had forgotten how nice they were. I also had a salad bowl and unlike when we’d visited on my birthday, the salad bar was stocked really well. Afterwards, we popped to Asda to buy the baking potatoes for Harley and Simon’s tea plus some other bits and pieces, which included treats of snowy chocolate fingers, crispy cakes and gingerbread men. Later, we watched a few more episodes of Brassic and the Netflix documentary Biggie: I Got A Story To Tell.
Monday meant my last day of this visit had arrived. I was feeling particularly sad about it this time due to Mum’s news. At the same time, I was looking forward to seeing Kieran again. It felt weird being away this long and knowing he was by himself, except for Coco the cat of course, at home in the flat. But mostly I felt sad. I didn’t want to leave. It’s always hard going, even when I have another visit booked, but even more so when we have bad news. Mum had been told the results of her PET scan and decision on a treatment plan would be on the 6th of October which was only four days later. It felt weird that I would be miles away back up north when she told me them. But that’s just the way it is. I have my life in Blyth now and I love it. But that doesn’t make it any easier being so far away from them all or saying goodbye when I have to. Before the goodbyes, though, I spent the day with Mum and Harley in town so that Harley could get their glasses fixed – the arm had fallen off – and Mum could exchange some items. Once we’d finished in the shops, we decided to sit in Costa for a little while. I had a gingerbread hot chocolate, smoky bacon roll and mini caramel shortbread; Harley went for a pot of macaroni cheese and a hot chocolate; and Mum had her usual white hot chocolate with a slice of salted caramel cake. Since she’s been going to hospital regularly, Mum’s been having a lot of Costa drinks and it’s usually a white hot chocolate. That afternoon, Mum cooked dinner around 5 so that I could eat before I flew. She made omelettes with homemade chips at my request. I’m not brave enough to try and make my own yet. Mine was very nice and I was feeling very full when Dad arrived at 6:15 to take me to the airport. It was very hard saying goodbye to Mum and Harley and it took me a few minutes to feel ok again. Dad drove me to the airport and waited with me for quite a while until assistance came to collect me. I gave him a big hug too. It’s hard saying goodbye to any of them, just a bit harder right now. Although my flight was pretty smooth, at some point my ear popped and became very painful. I was already feeling pretty rubbish with Mum’s cough and cold but by the time I reached Kieran and Lesley in arrivals I couldn’t hear out of my right ear. When we arrived home, I had a hot bath, a cup of tea then led in bed with a heat pad straight from the microwave on my ear. I’m very pleased to say that now, nearly two weeks later, it’s mostly better. It still pops occasionally but I can hear again and it’s not painful anymore. Also, since then Mum has had her results. Thankfully, there was no evidence that the cancer has spread beyond what they already knew from the first scan. They’ll be performing an operation at the beginning of November and will decide on further treatment after that. Really, out of all the potential scenarios she could have received from these results, that was the best possible option. We just have to pray the operation goes well and whatever follows is positive. We need some positive and Mum needs a break longer than a couple of months. I’ve already spoken with my manager and she’s agreed I can work from Southampton for a little while around Mum’s operation so I can be there to support her and Harley. I couldn’t be more thankful or grateful to my manager for this. The idea of not being able to be there for them after Mum comes home from hospital is unbearable. I’ve been there the previous times so need to be there this time too. Whatever else has happened since I was given the job at HMRC, I couldn’t be more thankful for the work flexibility we get and the lovely manager I now have. Working those two days I did down there in September showed me I can work quite effectively there so it shouldn’t be an issue when I need to do it again.
The title of this post is a phrase Mum says repeatedly, especially in situations when it really is an issue. It’s funny because I hadn’t noticed it much until Kieran mentioned it but she always says it when there is an issue with something she’s got to do but doesn’t want to. It makes me giggle every time she says it now and I thought it was pretty appropriate for this post because it is a really fucking big issue!
A5Ramblings 