A whole month Part 1: “He died and went to heaven and then God punched him in the face”

So, a bit of a different post this time, in the sense that usually I post a complete story of the time Kieran and I have spent together. I’m still going to do that, although this time it’ll be split into 3 separate posts simply because there’s so much to write… until last Monday when he flew home for the final time, Kieran and I spent the longest time we’ve ever managed together. Since the beginning of our relationship in 2016, we’ve known we’d be grabbing any chance available to spend time together but more than likely that’d be fleeting weekends and a couple of weeks at a time if we were really lucky. Ive been very lucky that Kieran’s parents have let me stay at theirs for increasingly longer amounts of time every time I visit. Mum would also do the same for Kieran if work commitments allowed for him to stay that long. However, me staying at theirs means he doesn’t have to take so much time off. With working from home the new normal, I’ve been able to see him much more than I ever did anyway. But this time, all the way back in mid October which seems so long ago now, Kieran and I started our longest run of time together, exactly 1 month, when he flew down to Southampton on Monday 18 October. Originally, before the pandemic hit and lockdown came into being, along with Josh we’d booked some more comedy shows. These are usually an excuse for Kieran to come and stay. But, because of all the rearrangements due to lockdown preventing anything from happening, all our comedy shows were rescheduled to take place within weeks of each other. First, Kieran, Josh and I had Ed Byrne at Southampton Guildhall; then Kieran and I, with Lesley, Rebecca and Kieran’s auntie Gill, had Chris Ramsey at the Utilita arena in Newcastle; finally Josh, Kieran and I had John Bishop again at the Guildhall. This meant quite a lot of travelling, especially for Kieran. In this post, I’ll write about our time when Kieran came to stay for Ed Byrne. Then, in the following two posts, I’ll write about my time in Newcastle and then Kieran’s return trip to Southampton a few weeks later.

So, on Monday 18 October, after what seemed a very long 5 weeks since we’d last seen each other, Kieran boarded a plane from Newcastle to Southampton, where Dad, M, T and I met him at the airport. Because the parking charges are so high and my disabled parking badge hasn’t yet been renewed, Dad didn’t really want to park in the usual airport car park. So, while T and I went into the airport to wait for Kieran’s arrival, Dad drove around for a bit to see if he could find a cheaper spot. At exactly 14 minutes past 7, a special assistance member of staff walked Kieran through to us. As always, it was great to see him and we had a big hug.

When we arrived home, Mum and S were in from work and Mum had stew and dumplings all ready for dinner. It was very nice.

On Tuesday, in the spirit of Kieran being on holiday, we had a long lie in before dragging ourselves out of bed, showering and having our lunch, cheese sandwiches left by Mum with bbq pringles and halloween edition orange fondant fancies cakes. Afterwards, Kieran found Gavin & Stacey showing on TV so we watched that followed by Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Then, we listened to the champions league match between Club Brugge and Manchester City, which ended 5-1 to Manchester City. During the match, after promising there weren’t too many bugs and I wouldn’t be thrown by any of the new features, Kieran updated my iPad software to iOS 15. Thankfully, as he said, I mostly haven’t had any problems with the new features, except that the new Focus mode doesn’t work quite how I thought it should and somehow my Bluetooth keyboard doesn’t type any more… luckily, these are things I can work around. For dinner, Mum cooked lamb, chicken and beef burgers with toppings and skinny fries. Chicken and lamb burgers with cheese, pineapple and mushrooms for me; beef and lamb burgers with cheese and lettuce for Kieran; beef and lamb burgers with cheese, cucumber and a little bit of lettuce for T. We listened to Atletico Madrid vs Liverpool in the champions league, which finished 3-2 to Liverpool; this meant I was of course very happy with the score, especially as the match included almost all the craziness any match can have, including: a penalty, a penalty being ruled out by VAR, a red card, yellow cards and the Atletico Madrid manager leaving the pitch without shaking Liverpool manager Klopp’s hand at the end of the match. It was eventful to say the least and very entertaining. Upstairs, we listened to compilation videos of Friday Night Dinner best bits.

On Wednesday morning, we watched more Gavin & Stacey before having the ham sandwiches Mum had made for our lunch. At 3pm, Grandad arrived to take us to his house for the weekly Wednesday dinner with himself and Nan. Before dinner, we watched The Chase. Nan had made cottage and shepherds pie for dinner; as always, it was lovely. When we got home, Kieran listened to the Manchester United vs Atalanta champions league match, which Manchester United won 3-2. Afterwards, we watched even more Gavin & Stacey.

On Thursday morning, we had tea and biscuits for breakfast and finished watching Gavin & Stacey. It was good to see it again, it never gets old. That afternoon, we ordered takeaway from Southampton Grill so that we’d had a meal before our comedy show that night. Kieran had a mixed kebab and chips with a tango orange, I had donner meat and chips, we shared some mozzarella sticks and ordered T a cheese burger and chips which she had when she arrived home from college. At 6pm, we left home and caught the bus into town, where Josh was waiting for us. He guided us to the Guildhall, where we sat in the square chatting for a while because we were even early for doors opening. You can always rely on Josh to get you somewhere in plenty of time. Safe to say I don’t think I’ve ever been anywhere with Josh and been late. When doors opened and we headed inside, I had a bit of a muddle showing my covid pass. I thought they’d accept my vaccine card but they wanted the pass stored in the NHS app on my phone. For some reason, I couldn’t find it so, in the end, they allowed me through on seeing my card. Once we were sat in our seats, I found that I did indeed have the app as I’d known I did and the boys showed me how to add the pass to the wallet on my phone, which is really easy to get onscreen whenever I need it. Ed Byrne was very funny with his If I’m Honest show. I’d been a bit apprehensive before the show, wondering if I actually found him funny. As it’s quite a while since I’ve watched his comedy, definitely way before the lockdown probably with Kieran at some point, I couldn’t actually remember if I liked him or not; that’s another thing epilepsy has broken in my memory. But I was glad to find that the boys had been right and I enjoyed the show very much. A line from the show is what gave this post it’s title, probably the funniest line of the whole thing. Just like it had been for the Sarah Millican and Chris & Rosie Ramsey podcast shows, it was so great to be out seeing live comedy again with the boys. It’ll never get boring.

On Friday, we had another long lie in before having more tea and biscuits for breakfast. For the rest of the morning, Kieran sorted my laptop out, starting updates and checking settings. Later, T, Kieran and I headed into town for a date afternoon +1. As we didn’t think we’d be able to have a regular date night this time, we thought we’d go out for dinner and use T as our guide. Of course, we weren’t going to tell her to go away as soon as we got to the restaurant so she became our +1. We chose Ed’s Easy Diner in West Quay because Kieran had never been and T had glowing reviews after going with friends the previous week. On arrival, we were told they didn’t have any chicken, which was a bit of a disappointment as half of their menu was chicken-based. However, we soon found alternatives. Kieran chose hot wings, the smoky Joe burger (beef burger with bacon, cheese and bbq sauce), cheese & bacon loaded chips and a vanilla milkshake. T had macaroni cheese, cheese & bacon fries and a mud pie milkshake. Unfortunately, they didn’t realise the macaroni cheese was just a side rather than a full portion but the size of the loaded chips more than made up for it. I went for the smoky Joe burger as well but with ordinary chips and a Go Bananas milkshake. The milkshakes were delicious. And huge! Mine had peanut butter milkshake topped by salted caramel sauce and pieces of banana. We were going to have puddings but were absolutely stuffed after one course and the shakes. Kieran treated us to the meal.

That evening, we watched The Chase and part of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets which was on ITV2. Afterwards, T joined us to watch Gogglebox.

On Saturday morning, Mum made us tasty sausage sandwiches for breakfast. Then, the rest of the day was full of football matches which we listened to on Talksport: Chelsea vs Norwich 7-0, Crystal Palace vs Newcastle 1-1 and Brighton vs Manchester City which Man City won 4-1. Then, after some thought, we realised we could have a date night if we paid for Dad and T to have a meal out too. M was working so they couldn’t go together and we didn’t think it was fair for us to get Dad to take us out then go home to wait in his flat on his own for us to finish when he could then come and pick us up and take us home. Kieran and I had agreed on Nando’s after having such a good date night there in July and a lovely Nando’s in Newcastle with Josh in September. Meanwhile, T was very excited that she was finally going to have a Harvester, agreed by Dad. Unfortunately, when we arrived in Whiteley, Harvester wasn’t open. We weren’t sure whether it could be having an upgrade or if there was staff shortages due to covid but T and Dad definitely weren’t having it for their dinner. In the end, they settled on the burger restaurant Five Guys, somewhere neither of them had been before. So, armed with my bank card, they left us at a table in Nando’s and went to see if they liked it. This time, Kieran chose the double pitta, instead of his usual burger, with hot sauce and peri salted chips. I went for my classic double wrap with lemon and herb sauce and peri salted chips. After looking through the menu earlier and seeing you can add extras to your meal, I decided to add some pineapple to my wrap and made sure, when I was customising it with the waitress, that I left the chilli jam in after discovering how lovely it was in July. We also got a portion of halloumi sticks, something I’ve also discovered I like a lot, and an extra pot of chilli jam for my chips. Kieran had beer and I had coke 0. As the meal had been so lovely, we decided we’d finish it off with pudding. I had salted caramel brownie with coconut ice cream and Kieran went for vanilla frozen yoghurt. After we’d finished, Dad and T came to collect us. It turned out they’d had a great meal too, topped off by the fact that it’d been free due to it being their first time at Five Guys. So it really had been a lovely evening all round. Nando’s Whiteley always seems to cook the food just right and the service is always amazing.

After Dad dropped us off at home, with very full bellies and that feeling of contentment that comes after a delicious dinner, Kieran and I watched Chris Ramsey’s All Growed Up show in preparation for seeing him live the following week. It was very funny.

We had tea and toast for breakfast on Sunday and Kieran spent the day working on stuff on my laptop and iPad. We watched more of The Chase. Mum cooked roast pork with roast potatoes, mash potato, cauliflower, Yorkshire puddings, green beans, carrot & swede and sliced carrots for dinner. Again, another tasty meal. We listened to more football, Manchester United vs Liverpool on BBC Radio 5live, which Liverpool won 5-0, a very pleased me of course. Later, we watched Josh Widdicombe’s What Do I Do Now stand up DVD.

Monday meant we’d come to the end of our first week and the end of our first stint in Southampton. We had another lie in but once we were up, we ordered Dominoes for the three of us. It was half term for T and of course they were more than keen to partake in the afternoon treat. I thought it was a nice way to celebrate in a little way her getting through their first half term at college. They don’t agree but I think they’ve settled in really well and adjusted to the step up in education level. They’ve made new friends and travels independently to and from college campus, something they’ve always been very nervous to do. Our feast arrived and we tucked in. Kieran had the Meat Fielder pizza and T & I had Create Your Own: I chose a bbq Italian-style base with pineapple, sweet corn, sausage and hot dog slices; T had a bbq original base with chicken breast strips, meatballs and garlic spread. We bought garlic bread, chicken strippers, potato wedges, normal cookies and their limited edition After Eight mint cookies. While we were being greedy pigs, we watched The Chase and a little bit of Judge Judy. Annoyingly, I didn’t enjoy my pizza as much as I usually do. I’d been really keen to have a Dominoes as I usually love it. But I think my change in sauce and toppings disappointed me because it wasn’t as nice. Normally, I stick to a Create Your Own with tuna, sweet corn, mushrooms and garlic spread with Italian-style base. It’s a poor alternative to my favourite tuna and garlic pizza at Sambuca Blyth, my favourite restaurant up there, but was the best available option during lockdown when I was starved of my favourite. Turns out the Dominoes version is lovely, though, just nowhere near as much as the Sambuca option. Next time, I’ll remember to stick to what I like best.

After we’d finished our food, somehow managing to eat nearly all of it, it was time to head upstairs and check we had everything packed for our flight. Kieran was marvelling at how much he’d enjoyed the After Eight cookies, which T on the other hand had declared disgusting. While sorting our stuff, I received a call from a lady I didn’t know from Guide Dogs. She’s taken over the role of another member of staff and was calling in to check in with me. A few days earlier, I’d been talking to my friend Tiny and he’d advised once I returned from my trip up north it’d be the right time to inform Guide Dogs of my planned move to Blyth sometime in the new year. So getting the call from this lady seemed as good a time as any to let them know. I’d been dreading it, thinking maybe I’d be taken off the list in Southampton due to my imminent departure. However, I was very surprised to find I can stay active on the list and they’ll continue to look for a match until I leave. She said when I know my moving date to get back in touch with her and she’ll start the process of moving me to the Newcastle team so they can be looking for a match up there. I’m not 100% sure yet whether I’ll be suspended on the list in Newcastle until I have enough routes to meet the criteria for working a dog. This lady didn’t seem to think so. I’ve also more recently been told by the head of the My Guide program for Southampton that once I know when I’m moving she can get in touch with the head of My Guide for Newcastle so they can find me a My Guide volunteer asap to help with route learning up there. Of course, nobody will compare to the lovely Jenny. I was also informed that as I’ve been on the waiting list over 2 years — now actually 3 including the suspended period which seems to count as well — I’m in the priority 1 category which is reserved for those needing replacement dogs. So overall, a very positive call that left me feeling a little more reassured about the situation.

Once we were sure we were all set, it was time to wait for Dad to take us to the airport and head up north in the air…

“Some men don’t deserve tiddlers… get him in the sea!”

Last Tuesday, after what feels like several years rather than 1.5, I finally headed up North to visit Kieran and family. Since the pandemic began last spring, it’s been impossible for me to travel up to Newcastle and on to Blyth to stay for a while. But the time had come at last! This time, however, I was going to use a different transport method to reach them. Encouraged by my good pal Josh and the dramatically lowered ticket price, I agreed to go by train, including through the London Underground; that’s definitely something I’d never tackle alone but as Josh is a serious train enthusiast I knew I’d be safe with him. On Tuesday morning, after packing far too much stuff as usual, I lugged my bulging rucksack to the bus stop and boarded a bus that was supposed to take me directly to Southampton Central station where Josh would be waiting. To begin with, I was a little less confident as the audio stop announcements weren’t on on the bus. Also, I’d never been further than the town centre independently on the bus before and was nervous about stopping at the right place. Luckily, my Victor Reader Trek had picked up GPS signal and was giving location prompts. Also, the driver had reassured me that he’d ensure I got off at the right stop. Then, when we reached the town centre, the bus had a fault with the doors and everyone had to swap to replacement busses. Thankfully, the driver was very kind and guided me to the new driver, explaining where I was going and the help I needed; the new driver remembered this and helped me off the bus when we reached the station at about 9:30. Josh and I went straight inside to the assistance desk, where they helped us onto our train, headed for London.

At 11:19, we reached Waterloo and changed onto the Bakerloo Underground, then to Oxford Circus and finally to King’s Cross, somewhere I’ve wanted to go ever since I was told there’s a Harry Potter attraction. During the films, the characters regularly visit Platform 9 3/4 to board the Hogwarts Express and head to school. For a very long time, I’ve wanted to go to the Platform 9 3/4 itself, stand with the trolley and touch the sign. On Tuesday, I got my wish. After we’d been shown where the information desk was, the assistance person took us to Platform 9 3/4; i stood with the trolley, had photos taken by the professional and Josh, held a wand and reached in vain to touch the sign. There was no chance! But I’d done it… another Harry Potter fan goal achieved. Of course, afterwards i had to go in the shop and spend some precious pennies on more merchandise. I was going to buy the photo of me on the platform but when Josh looked, he saw I hadn’t really been looking in the right direction and the ones he’d taken on his phone were better anyway. Instead, I bought myself a key ring, gloves, hoodie and passport holder. I bought Tamsin two key rings and Josh bought me a t-shirt and himself a key ring. The staff in the shop were incredibly helpful. A lady called Vicky lead us around the shop, letting me feel any items I wanted. Surprisingly, the visit to the platform and its shop didn’t take anywhere near as long as we’d anticipated. So we went in search of food. We settled on a place called Leon. Josh had cheesy fries and I had a fish finger wrap with fries. The food was very nice, although if I ever have it again I’ll be sure to ask for it without the sauce and salad. Once we’d finished, we headed back to the information desk where assistance helped us onto the 13:30 train to Edinburgh, which would take us to Morpeth and Rebecca who was waiting for us. On the way to Kieran, we quickly stopped at the pet shop so Rebecca could get more food for her gorgeous German shepherd Wilson. Sadly, when we arrived Wilson wasn’t as impressed to see us as I’d hoped. Since I saw him last, he seems to have become much more wary of strangers and protective of his pack, i.e Rebecca, Kieran, Lesley and john. He wasn’t happy with the two new intruders who came strolling in, plonking their luggage down on the floor and sitting on the sofa. For quite a while, Rebecca spent time trying to convince him with treats that we were friends rather than enemies. A few times, he edged closer and even came to eat treats Rebecca had placed on my shoe. But as soon as Josh reached out his hand to say hello or I stood to go to the loo, he reverted to territorial mode. Once Lesley and john were home, Rebecca loaded up her car with everything she and Wilson needed for a few days and headed off to stay at the caravan until we left on Saturday. As everyone is still working from home and two more people needed somewhere to sleep, the house would have been pretty crowded with all of us. Instead, while Rebecca stayed at the caravan, Josh was able to sleep in her room and there were less people to disturb during the day. In the end, however, it was only Lesley we had to disrupt as John had to go back to the office and Kieran had decided to take the 3 weekdays we were staying off to spend proper time with us. Downloading extra books and charging my iPad up had been unnecessary; not only had I not used it while we were on the train because Josh and I kept up an almost nonstop conversation but now I wouldn’t need it because we’d be able to spend time with Kieran during the day too. Turns out, my iPad didn’t come out of my rucksack again until Friday evening when I took it out to check it still had enough battery to last the journey home the following afternoon.

Later, Lesley cooked us burgers with homemade potato wedges for dinner; it was very nice. Afterwards, we watched Pointless.

Thanks to Kieran taking the time off, on Wednesday we were able to have a lovely lie in. Unfortunately, Josh had had other ideas and had text good morning at 7am. I think he was a little surprised not to receive a reply until a few hours later… after getting up and falling back in love with the Little’s shower, we headed downstairs where Kieran made cups of tea and I had a banana for breakfast. Although Lesley was working on the sofa in the front room, she didn’t seem to mind us sitting there chatting. She suggested maybe we should go for a walk to the beach and get fish & chips. It was a lovely day for it. On our way, my phone began to ring. Immediately, we stopped and I rushed to answer it, knowing it was the call I’d been expecting from the Southampton Guide Dogs Mobility Team. Indeed, it was the instructor who’d carried out my Guide Dog Assessment the previous Friday, where I walked with the lovely Guide Dog in training Kim, phoning to tell me the outcome after it had been discussed at case review. I AM BACK ON THE LIST!!! I couldn’t believe it. He said I’d walked very well with Kim and shown I have good mobility skills with my cane. He said they wouldn’t be looking for a very specific match for me, that he’d recommended I’d work well with pretty much any dog, except obviously a huge 40kg German shepherd. As always, he couldn’t give me a time frame to hope to receive a match call within; there’s just no knowing. But he did say the Southampton team are back to full capacity of dogs and more are coming through training. So there is hope that maybe this time I won’t have to wait too long. But after being suspended on the list for almost a year, just the knowledge that I’m active again and they’ll be looking for a match is enough right now. Ive waited almost 3 years now, since they originally put me on the waiting list, so I’ve got used to the waiting part. Being suspended was worse, especially as it was mostly out of my control. Thanks to my epilepsy being stable for almost a year — it’ll be a year if I get beyond the 15th — and me working hard to practice my routes with family and My Guide support, they were able to decide that I was again suitable for a dog. I felt like I was flying. We all had a big celebratory hug after I finished the call. Then, we headed on down to the beach, me feeling pretty numb with shock. I hadn’t expected this outcome. I’d thought there would be some reason why I hadn’t passed the assessment. Although I enjoyed my walk with Kim, I didn’t think I did particularly well. Apparently I was wrong.

After we’d ordered our food — jumbo sausage and chips for Josh and I and smoky sausage and chips with curry sauce for Kieran — I proceeded to phone and text everyone to tell them my good news. The food was delicious, although Josh and I hadn’t expected the sausage to come battered. As Kieran informed us, battered is standard up north… once we’d finished our food, we wandered along the beach for quite a while, Josh marvelling at how beautiful it is. It was nice to just walk along talking and enjoying the fresh air. When we arrived back, John was in and we headed straight back out to visit the flat where, once all the work is finished, Kieran and I will be moving into. The walk from Lesley & John’s is nice and seemed straightforward enough from what I could tell by Josh guiding me following Lesley and Kieran. Definitely a route to keep in mind for if I have or get a dog, I thought. Although there’s still a lot to be done to the flat, it’s clearly lovely. The kitchen units and some of the bathroom necessities are already fitted. John had been working on the tiling and attaching the heated towel rail. Lesley took photos and sent them to Mum, who was very impressed. The whole place seemed much bigger than I’d expected and all the storage possibilities are great. Also loving that the outhouse, where the washing machine and tumble dryer will be, is only a little way from the back door. Helpful on days when it’s pouring down and washing needs doing… Nan had said many times when I mentioned that washing would be in the outhouse that hers got on her nerves as she always got soaked on rainy days when she was ferrying laundry back and forth. Their garage is quite far from the back door so I can see why she feels that way. It was really nice to see the flat at last. Since Kieran and I started talking about me moving up there at the beginning of this year, I’ve tried to visualise the place in my mind from what he’s told me. As I’ve only visited the flat once, before his great-grandma passed away a few years ago, I couldn’t really remember what it was like. As it’s pretty empty at the moment, it’s still pretty tricky to imagine it as it will be when it’s ready, but it’s nice to have a. Better idea of the size and layout. Although, as usual it’ll take a while for me to become familiar with the layout after we move in; it always does. Again, I just have to add thanks to Lesley, John, Ken, Doreen, David and Kieran for making this chance possible for us. I’ll be forever grateful for it all and won’t ever have enough words to say how much. Obviously, I have to emphasise how awesome Kieran’s hand-built wall is… clearly the best part of the whole flat…

Once we got back, Josh set himself the task of sorting Kieran’s record collection, currently completely unorganised, into alphabetical order. We listened to music and when Josh had finally finished, the England vs Poland match was on. We watched some of it upstairs in Kierans room, with the radio commentary to accompany the television footage, before going downstairs for tea where john was also watching it. Lesley sorted a 20 month craving I’d been having: ever since I’d last had one, last time I’d visited in January 2020, I’d wanted another of her legendary jacket potatoes. Yes, they may just be jacket potatoes, cooked, cut apart and mushed up with butter and cheese but I’ve never known anyone serve them that way. Even if I had, I’m sure they wouldn’t make them half as good. But it wasn’t just me who was in jacket potato heaven; Josh, who has firmly avoided jacket potatoes since we had to eat rather unpleasant ones almost daily at college, seemed to like Lesley’s meal as much as I do. Although his dislike for jacket potatoes generally might not have disappeared, I’m quite sure he’d eat a Lesley special anytime. We had Spanish chicken and peas with the jacket potatoes, both also nice.

Thursday meant another lie in. Once we were up and showered, we went downstairs where Kieran made cups of tea and I had a banana for breakfast again. A little later, Lesley made us sandwiches with chip stick crisps for lunch. Then, following a plan agreed the day before, we walked to catch the 2:20 bus into Newcastle. The journey was quite long but I used the Trek to listen to things we were passing and Kieran caught up on the latest episode of the Chris and Rosie Ramsey podcast in preparation for the live show that evening. Once we reached Newcastle, Josh used his phone to navigate us around the Eldon Square shops. After a wander around, we found Nando’s, where I’d offered to buy us dinner. As usual, I had my double lemon and herb wrap with peri salted chips; Kieran had the double burger with hot sauce and peri salted fries; Josh had a lemon and herb pitta with chips. We all had a few drinks — coke for Josh & I and beer for Kieran. Afterwards, while the boys had another drink each, I decided to have a caramel cheesecake for dessert. When ordering, I’d thought it was just caramel cake so was a bit surprised when it turned out to be a cheesecake. It wasn’t bad but not something I’d reorder. After we were finished, we went to find somewhere to sit outside while we waited for the time to meet Rebecca and Lesley. Once we were with them, we headed for the arena, with Lesley guiding Kieran and Rebecca doing the train with me and Josh. Her experience of sighted guiding over the years for Kieran meant she managed two of us pretty easily. When we arrived, there were tons of people trying to get in. They checked we were vaccinated and did bag searches before letting us in. The Sh**ged Married Annoyed live podcast show was great! Chris and Rosie were both very funny and I don’t think any of us stopped laughing the whole way through, except the times I had my head in my hands during particular jokes or when they started singing. The title of this post comes from one of those head in hands moments, when they were telling a particularly grim story sent in by someone. Hilarious but gross… as we’d waited a lot longer for the show due to it being postponed because of the pandemic, it was even more great to be there and enjoy it all together. I’m now very much looking forward to seeing Chris live on his stand-up tour next month when I’m back up north.

Friday meant another lie in. Once we were up and showered, we went down to see Kieran’s grandparents who were round for their usual Friday visit. It was so good to see them both after so long. Once they’d left, Lesley decided to take us on a little trip to Alnwick. It was a nice long drive to get there and we wandered around the old-fashioned streets, stopping to sit outside a cafe for lunch. Josh only had a brownie but Kieran and I had chicken, cheese and chorizo toasties, Lesley having a tuna and cucumber sandwich. After this, we went along to Alnwick Castle, where scenes of the Harry Potter series were filmed. Another Harry Potter fan goal ticked off.

On our way back, we stopped at Morrison’s so Lesley could do a bit of shopping and Josh could pick up some drinks and snacks for the train ride home the following day. Back at the house, I was surprised to find john watching old episodes of coronation street… after a while, he left to do more work at the flat. Sometime later, Lesley took us out so that the three of us could have a meal together, a treat from Kieran at my favourite food place up north: Sambucas with tuna and garlic pizza!!! Since not being able to visit, I’ve genuinely had dreams about that pizza and been very jealous when Kieran told me they’d started getting takeaways from Sambucas. I’d though that Dominoes tuna pizza had been a close second to the one I love so much but on tasting it again, I realise Dominoes is only a poor substitute… yes, I really love that bloody pizza. While I was in my own tuna and garlic heaven, Josh was enjoying a pepperoni pizza and Kieran a pasta dish with bacon, tomatoes and chilli (it does have a proper name but I can’t pronounce let alone spell it). As we hadn’t had starters or sides and we didn’t see why not, we decided to have puddings, apple pie for Josh & I and chocolate fudge cake for Kieran. Nobody could believe I’d never tried apple pie before. Verdict: it’s pretty nice but not as good as apple crumble. Even the after dinner mints were lovely. My dreams of the food hadn’t come close to the real thing.

Feeling very full, when we got back we sat and watched Gogglebox and Joe Lycett’s Got Your Back. Then, as it was our last night before leaving, we sat up late chatting in Kieran’s room, hoping we weren’t keeping Lesley awake with all our laughter.

Saturday meant home time and as usual it had come around far too quickly. Once we were up and showered, Lesley made us all a cooked breakfast to fill us up before our journey. As always, it was lovely. Afterwards, we sat and watched Crystal Palace vs tottenham (3-0) before Lesley and Kieran took us to Morpeth station to catch our 3:14 train to King’s Cross. As always, goodbyes are the worst. However much we see each other, the distance between us the majority of the time is never nice. Even with the knowledge that one day soon we’ll be living together permanently, leaving still hurts. But, thanks to lockdown restrictions, all our rearranged comedy shows have ended up being scheduled really close together. So, in mid October, Kieran will be coming down to Southampton for a show, then we’ll be flying back up for another then coming down for the last one. It’ll be a busy month but I know we’ll enjoy having all that time together, as we always do. Spending extra time with our good pal Josh is always a bonus too.

That evening, we reached Southampton Central bang on time at 9:20. Again, we’d had excellent assistance at all the stations and I was very thankful both the outbound and return journeys had gone without issue. Of course, I have Josh’s excellent travel skills to thank, plus the fact that all the members of staff and public who helped us out were great. As we ended up going through the underground a lot quicker on the way back, we had time Josh hadn’t planned for to grab a snack. I’m always glad of a Costa and took full advantage, sitting down to enjoy my salted caramel frostino with coconut milk and slice of millionaire’s shortbread. Although our time in Blyth with Kieran and family was always going to be great, the trip was completed by having good assistance at all stations. Sometimes, things go wrong with special assistance on the trains and the underground seems notorious for this. So having everything go to plan really made things perfect. So, next up october when Kieran comes to visit and we flit up and down the country. I already can’t wait.

Thank you so much, Lesley and John, for having me to stay; for cooking the best meals; for ferrying us about; for making me laugh even though I clearly should know better by now; for the sightseeing; for everything you’re doing for us; for doing my laundry even though I was ready to take it home in my manky carrier bag … for always making me so welcome. Since the epilepsy diagnosis, seeing people I haven’t seen for a long time makes me very nervous. My forgetfulness makes me know I’ll have lost obvious things about a person that I knew so well before. I wasn’t sure how my mind would react to you after so long, what I’d remember. Turns out I didn’t need to worry. To rebecca: thank you for being our taxi driver and sighted guide; thank you for turning your bedroom into a temporary hotel room for Josh while you and Wilson moved out to the caravan; it was great to see you and Wilson, although briefly, and I’m determined that one day he and I will be friends… however long it takes. To Josh, thank you for being my train buddy; thank you for getting me safely all the way from Southampton to Morpeth and back again; for making sure visiting Platform 9 3/4, a goal of mine for so long, was a part of our journey; for my lovely Platform t-shirt; for nattering with me the whole way there and most of the way back; for being my good pal, I appreciate your friendship more than you know. Lastly, of course, thank you Kieran, for everything. I write my thank yous on every post because they’re never ending. Thank you for being my person, for the future you’re creating, and I’m trying to somehow contribute to, just for us. Thank you for deciding it was me you wanted on this journey with you, I wouldn’t want to be going anywhere else. Thank you for the best times. Love you lots and see you soon…

“Shitting arthropods” & “Knee Balls”: our first hug in 18 months

First, before I launch into this post, a disclaimer from me: IT WILL BE A LONG ONE! I WILL NOT APOLOGISE FOR THAT! Anyway, if you’ve read this far already or been unfortunate enough to stumble across my ramblings before, you’ll know that’s usually the template for my writing. Long, boring and probably pointless. But hey, I want to write it so I’m going to. Haven’t ever asked anyone to read this, let alone read to the end, so if you are then that’s your choice and yours alone haha. I write this because I enjoy doing so and because I find it fun to reread memories from the past and remember how much I enjoyed those times; even more so now with my epilepsy, which has left my memory lacking it’s clarity like before. I’m constantly asking friends and family what happened when and when reminded of something, having little, blurred or no recollection of it at all. More than the seizures and uncertainty of my not medicated period of epilepsy, the memory part scares me more and is the part I wish didn’t exist.

Anyway, on to the actual point of this post… after 18 months of waiting, Kieran and I have finally been able to speak in person, have a physical hug and properly spend time with each other. When I flew home from Newcastle in January 2020, I’d never have guessed that it’d be a further 18 months until I saw him again. If I had, I’d probably have treasured that time even more. The last year and a half has been quite a journey for the whole world and I wish I’d had Kieran physically by my side through it all. But, as many parts of our relationship have been so far, virtual communication had to suffice. But, at last he was here!

As my Christmas present last year, our good pal Josh booked tickets to see another of the comedians on our list of people to watch live, Sarah Millican. Like times before, it was at the Mayflower Theatre in Southampton, meaning Kieran needed to make the trip down south to join us. Since those tickets were booked, I’d had the 19th of July firmly fixed in my mind, knowing however long it took before then, on that date he’d be here. I hadn’t expected it to take until that date for me to see him for the first time post lockdown though. But on 19th July, despite concerns freedom day would be postponed yet again and spoil all our plans, Kieran flew to Southampton. At 3pm, auntie C came to collect little sis T and I from home and drove us to the airport. While we waited for Kieran to land and come through to arrivals, T and I had a fight with the vending machine; we all fancied drinks, as it was crazy hot, but Costa was closed and this was our only option. We wanted 3 but the machine only gave 1. Thankfully, as we were finishing our battle, a special assistance member of staff walked Kieran and his luggage into arrivals. We had the biggest hug! It really had been far too long.

However, half an hour or so after arriving home, Kieran was already starting his massive task of tackling all the laptop solving we had waiting for him. As mine, first bought nearly 6 years ago when I started studying with The Open University, had become very slow and irritating, I’d decided to buy a new one. Although my bank account is considerably lessened, a week later it’s safe to say the purchase was well worth it. The Dell laptop Kieran recommended works like a dream which, although partially down to it’s spec apparently being pretty good, is mostly down to Kieran himself for being my always reliable tech guru. He started working on the new laptop immediately and had it talking to us in minutes.

Whilst Kieran was still working away, Mum and her partner S arrived home from work. Kieran hadn’t met S before and it was nice for Mum to see him again after so long, too. He hadn’t stayed, until now, since October 2019 and a hell of a lot has changed in this family since then. For dinner, Mum made us corn beef hash with spaghetti hoops, one of my favourite childhood meals, and we ate it out in the garden on the big table. Afterwards, Mum brought out strawberries with raspberry ripple and chocolate ice cream for pudding, which really fit the hot weather we were having.

Once back upstairs, Kieran made T’s day by helping her set up her very first social media account. She’s been asking for years but not been allowed due to her age and all the issues it can pose. But, on the eve of her 16th birthday and with the reassurance Kieran always provides with anything internet related, Mum finally related. Just to add to T’s delight, Kieran also added her a profile to his Netflix account, something else she’s been desperate to have for ages. Between those, she was easily occupied for the rest of the night.

Of course, with the following day came T’s 16th birthday. How my teeny tiny mad as hell but oh so loveable little sister has turned 16 is completely beyond me. It’s definitely been a rollercoaster 16 years; from the tiny baby girl who was meant to be a boy born with fluffy brown hair, a tiny little body and lungs that couldn’t support her; to the 3 months that little person spent in intensive care in our local hospital fighting for her life while we visited every single day, not knowing whether she’d make it; to the little tiny baby wrapped up against the cold who came home, far too small for the baby seat she traveled in. Now, she’s 16 years old, left school, heading towards GCSE results day and a new adventure studying at college. She’s kind, caring, cheeky, clever, funny, bloody crazy, thoughtful and an all round beautiful soul and I wouldn’t change her for the world, even on the days when she’s flicking my ears, tickling my feet or throwing pillows in my face. She deserves all the love, luck and happiness in the world and I just hope she gets it.

As Mum had to work, as soon as the alarm went off at 7 we were up and getting dressed, the Stevie Wonder birthday song was on, as is tradition in this house, and we were all trooping down the stairs to be with T while she opened her mountains of presents. Of course, she was thrilled with everything, especially her amazon echo dot from Kieran, pandora bracelet from Mum & I and of course Percy the build a bear pineapple who sings who we bought whilst on a trip to Basingstoke. While I ate my breakfast of rice crispies and tropical fruit juice and sorted the guinea pigs breakfast out, Kieran had his shower and T continued to marvel over all her gifts. Last time I wrote anything on here, there was only one Guinea pig in the household, the lovely Teddy. However, he was joined on 17 July by his very cute now best mate, the gorgeous Bear. Already, they’re inseparable and I’m hoping, despite the fact that boy piggies can sometimes fall out, that they’ll remain cosy cage mates. While I was still doing the cage spot clean, Nan and Grandad arrived to see T for her birthday. They didn’t stay long, needing to go and do their usual little bit of wandering around Woolston. Kieran and I spent the rest of the day listening to music on my echo show while he continued to set up my new laptop. Meanwhile, T was taking full advantage of her new Netflix by watching a series she liked the look of.

When Mum arrived home early at 4, T was able to open her remaining presents, including ones left by Auntie C. A little while later, T’s best friend K arrived and then, once Dad and his girlfriend M had come to collect Kieran and I, we all set off for T’s birthday meal. She’d chosen Cosmo Restaurant, a buffet place in the new development of West Quay in Southampton. We were joined there by Auntie C, Uncle D and cousin A. For the rest of the evening, everyone indulged in several courses of food, including Chinese, Indian, English and Italian dishes plus dessert options including waffles, ice cream and doughnuts. I don’t think there was much anyone didn’t like. During the meal, Mum lit a cake and we all sang to T, who was understandably embarrassed as we made quite a racket in the middle of the restaurant. I think it was safe to say, by the smiles on the photos that were taken and the full bellies everyone left with, that it was a great way to celebrate a 16th birthday, especially as all the family were able to be there to do so.

On Wednesday, I stuck to my usual weekday routine of getting up at 7 before Mum leaves for work and having my breakfast, again rice crispies and tropical fruit juice. I also fed Coco and the piggies and made sure the cage was clean, swapping out soggy newspaper from under their bedding and spot cleaning. Meanwhile, Kieran and T had little lie ins. Once Kieran was out of bed, he had a shower before getting to work on my laptop again. We had an odd sort of lunch; Kieran had a slice of birthday cake while I opted for a couple of Ryvita, a yoghurt, a slice of cake and a banana. We spent the next few hours watching Judge Judy before Grandad picked us up so we could join him, Nan, Dad and M for dinner at Nan & Grandad’s. While we waited for dinner, Kieran had a look at their WiFi and made sure all the settings were as they should be. Nan & Grandad’s WiFi is notoriously awful, receiving complaints from all who try to use it. Strangely, it’s behaving better and Kieran seemed satisfied with the settings. While he was checking, I went for a quick shower because ours has been temperamental recently and I needed to wash my hair, made worse by the sticky sweaty weather we’d been having. Afterwards, we watched The Chase before tucking into Nan’s lovely dinner of roast pork with all the trimmings followed by apple crumble with custard or strawberries and cream for pudding. Safe to say that we again went home with full bellies.

We had to take a little detour on the way home to post T’s AirPods back to amazon as the apple box had arrived empty. As this was her big present, everyone was pretty disappointed. Unfortunately, the One Stop shop we chose to take the parcel to didn’t offer the print and return option I’d chosen. Back at home, Kieran and I spent the rest of the evening watching episodes of The Chase, Judge Judy and Live At The Apollo.

Thursday started similar to Wednesday, with me getting up at 7 as usual while Kieran and T slept on. I had my breakfast and sorted out the pets before going back up for a doze. When we decided to get up properly, Kieran and I had cups of tea with chocolate digestives and custard creams. Then, we had a bit of a shock by an email from the chairman of Hampshire VI cricket team, who I’d played for on Sunday, saying one of the players on the opposing team had tested positive for COVID. Thankfully, the test that T helped me take came back negative. While Kieran moved on to working on my really old Toshiba laptop, which I’d leant to Mum and T during lockdown, and my little 2-in-1 laptop that I’d bought to use for my studies while travelling to Kieran’s, I had a little play with my new laptop, now fully set up. Later, we listened to Kieran’s iTunes library on shuffle and helped T set up her new echo dot. Also, her replacements AirPods arrived in the post, which she was very excited to try.

In the evening, Kieran ordered takeaway for the 3 of us from a local place called Flame Grill. T had a chicken kebab with chips; Kieran had a cheese and bacon burger with chips; I had donner meat and chips; and we all shared cheesy garlic bread and mozzarella sticks. The whole lot was delicious! We watched 24 hours in A&E before T went upstairs and Kieran and I watched an old episode of Gogglebox. After, we went upstairs too and watched 8 Out Of 10 Cats.

On Friday, I couldn’t be bothered to get up so had a lie in too. Once we were up and showered, Kieran and I had breakfast, which sort of covered lunch too; Kieran had buttered crumpets with orange juice and i had Ryvita with a banana and orange juice. After this, Kieran joined in with a work webinar so i read a book. Kieran spent the rest of the afternoon setting up my old uni laptop for T and Grandad’s old HP laptop for Mum while listening to his iTunes library on shuffle again.

That night, Mum and S went out so Mum made us meatballs and cheesy nachos for tea. They were very tasty. The 3 of us spent the rest of the evening watching The Chase and funny videos on YouTube.

Saturday meant a super long lie in. Once we were out of bed, Kieran had tea and toast while i had honey nut cluster cereal and orange juice. While i did the weekly full clean out of the guinea pig cage, Kieran showered and then continued to work on all the laptops. We spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Olympics, King George horse racing and Judge Judy. At 6:30, Dad and M picked us up so we could go for a date night. We’d agreed on Nando’s. Dad took us to the one in Whiteley so that he and M could have their own date night at the nearby Harvester. We had a lovely evening and i felt very full by the time Dad picked us up again… we shared halloumi sticks and garlic bread, where i discovered i really like chilli jam dip. Kieran had a double chicken burger with hot sauce and peri salted chips while i had the double chicken wrap with lemon and herb and peri salted chips. Afterwards, kieran had mango frozen yoghurt and i had chocolate brownie with coconut ice cream. When we got home, we watched the latest episode of celebrity Gogglebox followed by older episodes with T.

Sunday meant comedy day had arrived. We went on the bus into town and met Josh by West Quay at 4. We’d planned to go to Yates for a meal but found it was closed so went on to the pub next to the theatre, the Mayflower Village. Josh had filthy fries which had beef burger, pulled pork and cheese on them; kieran had a cheese and bacon burger with added jalapeño and chips; and i had a chicken and chorizo burger with an added hash brown and chips. When it was time, Josh guided us into the theatre and we were directed to our seats. Sarah Millican’s Bobby Dazzler show was amazing. I don’t think we stopped laughing all night. When it was finished, we were able to collect free badges with the show name and put money in collection buckets for the Samaritans. Josh got us to our bus just in time. Once we were home, Kieran and i watched Friday Night Dinner on my iPad until we fell asleep.

Monday meant the day I always dread when we’re together had come. For breakfast, we had tea and biscuits. While we were eating and then when I was sorting out the pets, we watched Friday Night Dinner on the iPad, which continued for the rest of the morning. Around 3, I ordered a Dominoes for the three of us. Kieran had the Absolute Banger; I had a Create Your Own with the Italian-style base with bbq sauce, chorizo, meatballs, pineapple, pepperoni and garlic sausage; Tamsin had a Create Your Own with chicken breast strips, meatballs and garlic spread; Kieran had some extra hot wings and a doctor pepper; we shared potato wedges, garlic bread, breaded chicken strips and cookies. While we munched our way through our mountainous feast, we watched even more old episodes of Gogglebox.

Once Kieran had checked he’d packed everything and Dad arrived at 6:30, it was time to take the trip to the airport. Earlier, Kieran had been notified that his flight was delayed, although not by much. However, when he checked in, we were informed the flight was not due to depart for a few hours. So we all settled in to wait on the chairs, or in T’s case the floor, of the special assistance area. After we’d waited a while, Dad and M went to fetch drinks from nearby mcdonalds because yet again Costa was closed, leaving the temperamental vending machine as our only other choice. As Dad arrived back with our drinks, the special assistance lady informed Kieran he’d be able to proceed through security and board his plane in a few minutes. He expertly downed his coke 0 and then we had a massive hug. Then it was time to go. On our way home, i was relieved to receive a message from Kieran saying he was through security and about to board the plane.

As I sat in the back of the car on the way home, I felt quite strange. It seemed crazy that this time with Kieran, that I’d been waiting for for 18 months, had come and gone so fast. But my most overpowering feeling was thankfulness. Thankful that we’d finally been able to have this week together. Thankful that it hadn’t been delayed any longer. Thankful we’d been able to celebrate T’s birthday, go on a date night and see Sarah Millican live with Josh. But most of all, thankful that we are still us, just as we were pre-pandemic but stronger, I think. A lot has changed since we saw each other last and a hell of a lot of time has passed while we’ve been apart so I feel we truly are lucky to still feel the same as we did before, if not more. Kieran is a very patient and kind person and has taken everything I’ve thrown at him since our friendship began almost 8 years ago, but especially this last year or so. He took my epilepsy almost in his stride and has been unwaveringly by my side throughout. Despite the barriers and inconveniences it may cause during our future together, Kieran still wants to go ahead. And then, at the beginning of this year, I asked whether we could consider me moving up to Blyth and us starting our life together properly. If he wasn’t shocked by that then I’ll be very surprised. Ive made it no secret since coming home from college in 2015 that I had no intention of moving far from Southampton, if at all. So to chuck the fact that I’d genuinely been considering moving to the other end of the country to be with him must have been a bit shocking. At first, I was surprised myself. Ive always known that I want to live with Kieran and for us to have the whole couple life together. But I’d never imagined how. He’s settled up north with an excellent job and I’m down here floundering around for work and independence determined not to leave. I guess at some point something had to change. It started with me looking into Masters degrees because I thought maybe that’d be a way to move towards gaining employment. I looked into social work and found that Northumbria university run a masters degree in social work. By then, it’d already started to niggle in the back of my mind that sometime soon I was going to have to start thinking about making a choice. I knew not being with Kieran wasn’t even in any scenario for my future. But I also knew the idea of leaving my family and all the complicated emotions all tied up down here wasn’t something I wanted to contemplate or face either. But something had to change. We can’t stay like this forever, flying up and down the country and grabbing snippets of time together where we can. So I needed to make a decision. And I have. I’m Blyth bound. I don’t know for sure when yet but sometime in my very near future. I don’t think 100% of me has come to terms with the fact that I’m going to leave Southampton, move further than reaching distance of my family. But 99% of me knows its the right choice, the right thing to do for kieran and I and the future we want to build. Plus, between kieran himself and the rest of the family, we’re being given an opportunity only an idiot would turn down, the chance to set up home and start fresh in a newly ripped apart and newly renovated — currently in progress — flat near to where kieran’s parents live. It’s a spring board and great foundation for our future and I couldn’t be more grateful to all involved, especially Kieran himself and his parents, for this amazing chance. Right now, my employment chances are at rock bottom, my independent living skills have gradually decreased over the years and my contribution financially will be minimal at best. But I’m going to do my upmost to give my upmost to this, help as much as I’m able with the effort to make the property great for us and be forever grateful and in all of their debt for this golden chance and massive display of generosity. I can’t put into words what it means. So as i sit here, 24 hours since Kieran left, I’m not feeling sad that we’re not physically together right now. In 6 weeks time, at the beginning of September, the lovely Josh and i will board a train at Southampton, go all the way to London and then onto Morpeth. We’ll travel to Blyth and be staying a few days in order to attend the Sh**ged, Married, Annoyed podcast tour with Kieran and his family. I already know the show will be hilarious. The tickets are already booked, of course figured out by Josh so that I’ll be able to visit the Platform 9&3/4 and hopefully the Harry Potter shop that’s there. On my super Harry Potter bucket list, this is definitely a big one. I think Josh thinks I’m rather mad to have insisted but this is my first trip to Kings Cross so its just something that needs to be done. Anyway, it means that my train lover pal gets to spend even longer in somewhere he loves. It’s going to be different travelling to Newcastle by train, something I haven’t yet tried and probably not something I’d be brave enough to try solo, especially now part of the journey relies on the underground. Once, there used to be a direct train to Newcastle station and that might have been something I’d consider. But not now its much more complicated. But I’ll have my good pal Josh who must be one of the most competent travellers I know by my side so i know we’ll make it. So roll on September and all the fun it already promises. But for now, to Kieran: although i know you won’t read this because you got fed up of my ramblings a long time ago, thank you for the best time yet again. Thank you for flying down to see me on freedom day despite the fact that the pandemic still rumbles on and poses threat to us all. Probably a little reckless on our part but it was so damn great to see you and thankfully we’ve all got through unscathed. Thank you for being there for me through everything, especially when it concerns my broken brain and all that brings. Thank you for excepting me constantly, flaws and all; even though I can’t use cutlery properly, constantly ask questions you’ve already given me answers to and want to buy a sparkly toilet seat even though you say the toilet already has a perfectly good seat. Thank you, and your family of course, for the chance you’ve created for us both; for this opportunity to start the life together we’ve both said we’ve wanted for a long time now. I know right now my offerings don’t come anywhere close to what you and yours are putting in, but I’ll offer everything i have to help. When we’re finally settled or i know a moving date, I’ll be job searching and course finding and doing anything i can to ensure that as quickly as I can I’ll be moving forward positively leading towards me supporting us some, if not as much, as you will. I don’t for a second take what you are, and will be, giving us for granted. To your family, I’m forever grateful. Can’t promise I’ll be cooking food as good as Lesley’s anytime soon, if ever, but maybe one day I’ll be able to make you some kind of dinner that won’t poison you… maybe… or perhaps I’ll just buy a good takeaway… love you, my fella, and I’ll see you soon. Hugs.

PS: this blog title is made up of 2 phrases. “Shitting arthropods” comes from an episode of Friday Night Dinner and has been a saying Kieran has constantly repeated this last week. “Knee balls” is what Kieran kept saying whenever his knee kept hitting the wall, any other object or loudly clicking. I wanted a line from Sarah’s show and had chosen an excellent one as soon as she said it. However, she’d immediately moved on to the next joke and it had completely left my brain. Before, I’d have held onto that line until I got home and was able to note it down. Not these days. Not how my brain works any more. So “Shitting Athropods & Knee Balls” will have to do…